My beloved mum died but I’m ashamed that I feel OK.

[GalwayShawl]

We buried our lovely mum on Monday. She died three weeks ago so there was a long time waiting.

She was so sick and lived with us for six months, in and out of hospital culminating in open heart surgery from which we never fully woke. I could see her deteriorating day by day from July to December. I literally did nothing but care for her for months - all the parenting I left to
my husband.

I am far better than I thought I would be possibly because it was my entire life for
Months and I think I got used to it? But we were so close and this has been something I’ve dreaded my whole life - why am I so calm? I feel ashamed.

But also she went blind through a stroke and developed dementia quite suddenly so I feel like I’ve been missing her for most of this year. I don’t know if I’ve come to terms with it because if the traumatic and desperate nature of her death or because I’m aware that had she lived, it wouldn’t have been a life worth living for her.

A bit teary at times and flashbacks to ICU but other than that feel ok, just cracking on.

Im scared that I’ll be hit by a huge tsunami of grief but at the moment feel totally capable and grateful that she’s no longer suffering. She and I have been released from a devastating situation.

I am looking forward to the new year. I feel so inappropriate. Looking forward to getting my life back.

is it possible I’ve done the sharpest part of grief. We we’re so close yet I just feel that she’s within me and always with me and I feel broadly fine. I know she’s here and I feel strong. Am I in shock??

Maybe you are in shock, but you've had some time to prepare yourself. 'There is a time to live and a time to die'. I do not think that it is awful to hope/wish/pray that a loved person will die and get away from suffering, or at least not to feel cut to ribbons when it happens. If a tsunami of grief comes, well it does, and you will deal with it. My mother died many years ago, leaving me 'free' of caring, and her death was a blessed relief. That does not mean that I never have a little tear for her. I am doing now, completely in private, see what your thread title has done!!. I expect lots of people will come on here and say the same sort of things that I am doing. It is ok to be calm and take it in your stride.
In the time that it's taken me to type this there are 10 new posts.

Aww, you poor thing.
I lost my mum this spring, she was terribly ill for a long time. We watched her shrink, she was a shadow of herself. My beautiful,strong mum was lost to all of us ,including herself before she even died. I felt a huge huge sense of relief when she did die and the guilt that came with that. I felt a huge burden lift, and I realised it was because watching someone you love go through that amount of pain and not be able to take it away is one of the biggest burdens we can bear.
Take care of yourself now, it's been a rollercoaster for me so just trying to keep myself strong enough in the ups to survive the downs 💐

I think we subconsciously prepare and probably do a lot of our grieving beforehand when loved ones pass in these circumstances.

I was the same when my Dad died following a long and horrible illness. We knew it was coming (doesn't make it easier) but actually felt relief that he was out of pain. Grief never really hit in a big slap in the face way, just sadness which will always be there as he never go to do so many things, including retire from work. I don't feel as if I haven't grieved and I feel OK about it.

I lost my sister 2 years previously in a totally different and unexpected way. It was sudden and we were convinced she would be OK until the day she died. Whole different story and I still find it very very difficult to listen to certain songs, smell certain smells (body shop white musk mainly 😂) visit certain places or even visit her grave which is tough as she's buried with my Dad and my grandparents.
I remember a weird numbness and then BOOM!
There is no wrong or right OP. Just be kind to yourself. x

Please don't feel guilty. You have had time to accept the inevitable and grief is different for everyone.
Just because you aren't weeping and wailing doesn't mean you're not missing her, thinking about her and grieving in a much quieter, more personal way.
Sending love.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

DH said exactly the same thing when his DM passed away. She'd been ill for a few months and we knew she wouldn't survive, so I guess part of him had done the grieving. Also, he felt he'd had a good relationship with her and overall she'd had a good life, so there weren't any what iffs. Obviously there are times when we both think about her, but he's always said he's ok.

Hope the New Year brings you what you want.

I totally understand how you feel. My mum died at the end of March 2020. She had so much wrong with her and spent the last 2 years of her life in constant agonizing pain, it was horrible to watch. Covid ended her life and the fact that her suffering was now over and she was now at peace, gave me more comfort than grief. I miss her every day but (and this feels so wrong), I'd rather she was gone than for her to live the life she had over those last 2 years, any longer. It's ok not to cry, I haven't shed a single tear for her death, but I loved her and always will.

Ah honey. I was exactly the same. Almost relieved. And felt terrible because of it. I'd have thought it wasn't normal, bit for the fact my sister was exactly the same.

Like you, my mum lived with us and she was so, so ill. And I think, when you watch someone strong deteriorate to such a frail state (my mum was almost 6 ft tall and at the end weighed less than 6 stones, having been overweight most of her life) and being ready to die, you do a lot of grieving while they are still alive. And the end is a blessed relief for them and by extension, you.

I didn't have some big crash of grief either. Sure, I was sad and sure I would find myself crying over nothing and there were some songs I couldn't (still can't) listen to, but no big breakdown.

Take it the way it comes. There's no right or wrong. Only what you're actually feeling. Sorry for your loss.

Same happened to me and my mother was absolutely lovely, but you do most of your grieving while they are still alive and suffering. It is such a relief when that finally stops.

Similar to me. My mum was everything to me and I lost her in October but she had dementia for six years so it was a gradual losing her. I sad with her with end of life for a week and it was so sad but I was relieved when she was at the end of the hideous dementia journey. I can't believe I I held it together at her funeral and didn't cry but I think that's because I organized it all so knew what to expect. I know I'll be a blubbering wreck when I hear carols this year but that's ok.

There's nothing wrong with feeling relieved that an utterly shit situation is over. You can be glad that your Mum is no longer in pain, that you've got your life back, that you're not having to watch her deteriorate, that you can make plans for a holiday or a day out without having "...but what about mum" in the back of your mind.

None of that should make you feel guilty, or selfish. You know how much you loved your mum, your mum knew it too, and nothing you do now will change any of that. You've had months to come to terms with your mums death, you knew it was going to happen, so you've been grieving in your own way for months.

When my Mum died, my step-dad and my brother were a bit lost for a few weeks. I just got on with things, sorted the funeral, getting input where needed, started sorting out the estate. I'd spent a lot of the last few months cross because my mum was dying and I couldn't fix it. Now suddenly there were jobs to do, things to sort out, I could be productive about all these things. I was almost cheerful about it to be perfectly honest.

I didn't cry until a good few months after the funeral, of all things it was an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that set me off. I spent a night sobbing, and then just got on with it again.

A few years later, and Mums birthday or the day she died will fly past me, and I'll wonder why my brother has just rung me for no reason. Whereas I'll potter about the house talking to Mum every couple of months, just updating her on how life's going, what the kids are up to etc. I don't believe in an afterlife or anything, so I don't know why I do it, but it's my little ritual.

There's no right way to grieve, you honour your loved one the way that feels right to you. Even if that way is just cracking on with life as normal.

There's no shame in feeling ok. I completely relate to what you (and others posted). Both my parents (they were in their 70's/80's) died within the last five years - both very suddenly: Mum had cancer - we found that one out on the day she died - she'd been in hospital for 10days, getting more and more ill; a couple of years down the line, Dad had a fall and died four days later due to brain haemorrhage.

I'm a nurse and when they were dying/died, I put on my "nurse's hat" in order to better help them and help my family. I was so grateful for my training then (and these situations have helped me to help patients and their families better, which is always a good thing)! Another thing I take comfort from is knowing that both my folks went from being very independent (they had excellent health, had full cognition and mobility etc) to dying; both would never have wanted a long protracted last illness and death (they were both very vocal about that, and had spoken about Dignitas); both were spared the suffering that I see so often in people who have come to the end of months/years of illness. I was heartbroken to have lost them, but grief didn't floor me like I thought it would. I adored them and I miss them every day, but I know that this is what they would have wanted.

Grief does occasionally hit me still, and sometimes in weird times or situations. The first twelve months after each died was tricky at times. And even now, I might spot something and think "oh, I need to let my mum/dad know about it" (then remember that I can't call them!), or I might hear a piece of music that one of them loved; or a fragrance might trigger a memory. But that's ok too.

Sending you loads of love, look after yourselves xx

My nana died at the start of November. Even the vicar remarked on the fact this wasn’t an unwelcome death as such. She’d had no quality of life since May and she was very ready to go. She died knowing she was loved and all her family were ok. I was a bit sad the few days after the funeral (Irish funeral so buried less than 72 hrs after death). I think the worst thing would have been if she’d hung on in pain, not wanting food and stuck in the nursing home. We’ll toast her this Christmas glad that she’s with my granda again

I cried for a couple of days when my mum died. The vicar had been going on about funerals being a healing thing and I cried through it. My mum was very old and sick though so I was glad she wasn't suffering any more. Every so often I get a stab of grief when I think that she's not here any more.

Felt very much the same after Mum died. Her last 6 months were so stressful and horrendous that, by the time she passed, I had nothing left in the tank emotionally. I didn't feel grief-stricken as physically exhausted and on the brink of collapse. All I did was sleep for weeks.

That was 5 years ago. I've had the odd tough week but never been hit by any wave of grief like I was after Dad died. Grief's just weird...

I'm so sorry, what a difficult and devastating turn of events. Sending good wishes to you and your DC and peace for new year. 💐

OP, your grief is completely personal and IMHO not what you expect. When my DM died I functioned well for 6 months, having been very close to her and with her for the 5 years of illness. When she went into a hospice I went into what felt like a bit of disassociation to cope. After 6 months I had a breakdown. It was a long time ago and I got help but I wish I'd been able to seek help at the time. It uncovered a serious MH illness that I got necessary treatment for but I really wish I had allowed myself to be open to counselling and therapy. It's only really now I can talk about it. I hope you're able to keep moving on, there's nothing wrong with that & your DM would want you to be as well as you can be.

I'm so sorry @GalwayShawl - it is such a strange thing to go through.

My MIL died a few months ago and she had not been herself for at least a year. When we had the funeral I was so conflicted. The funeral was, as it should be, a real celebration of who she was throughout her life. It almost felt like there were 2 different people. Who she was when she was healthy and active and then a different person who had lost all her spark.

My DH was saying the other day how he felt he had grieved gradually over the last year and had not had a massive wave of grief since she died. I also get my moments but mainly it was just a relief that she wasn't suffering any more.

Look after yourself. There is no right or wrong and you feel what you feel. There is absolutely no shame in looking forward. We still say how wrong it feels to have so much more free time and to enjoy that but Mil hated being what she considered a burden (we did not at all think that) and would want us to get on and enjoy our lives.

Sending you so much support and strength. Sorry that turned out to be all about us but I find it hard to explain to people who haven't been in the situation. I hope all of us telling you our similar experiences brings some comfort.

I think it is a combination of you knew it was coming, o you had started grieving already and getting ready for it. Also, it is the end of her suffering.
I was, and still am after many years, rather calm when my grandmother passed away. I actually felt relief when it happened, alongside the missing her.

Thanks for your messages, I am going to read them through properly when I get the ironing finished

I think what helped also was going to see her in the chapel of rest. She didn’t look like her at all and when she was buried I felt nothing when I saw the casket lowered. If anybody is reading this and in doubt - it’s a very upsetting thing to do but it really helps with the grieving process. Or did for me - both times I’ve lost somebody close, I’ve visited them.

we are very similar in temperament and that’s probably why I feel she’s with me so there is nothing lost as such.

Our 30 year old tradition of daily phone calls dried up months ago - in fact sometimes I’d find myself phoning her in the way home from school run only to realise that she was in bed in my home, blind afraid and constantly sleeping. All of that helped slowly ease us apart from each other I think.

Also I was able to say anything and everything I wanted to her in the last few weeks: and above all we were great friends all my life and I have no regrets about anything - we rarely even fell out.

im sorry for everybody’s losses and thanks for taking eh time to comfort me.

I felt the same when my dad died. He’d been sick for years and was suffering so badly at the end- it was a relief for him ( and for all of us really) I never felt deep grief for his passing and felt guilty for it. I loved him so much- but I think I did my mourning whist he was alive. It’s very confusing. I some times look at old photos of him and miss him- but still don’t feel grief.

Echo that you may have done a fair bit of grieving beforehand, I know I did with my Dad. (Anticipatory grief is a well recognised part of the process)
There really is no right or wrong way, be kind to yourself xx

I’m same after losing my dad in Sept after many years of decline with Parkinson’s , he spent most of summer in and out of hospital and it was just too much for him to cope with so I think the relief I feel for him is outweighing my grief , at least for now. I’d always imagine being an absolute wreck when I lost him and I have cried but nowhere near as much as I imagined

There is nothing to feel guilty about, you have probably been in mourning for quite a while already. When my Dad died I wasn't distraught because it was a release for him. Grief did hit me in little bouts over the months and years because something would remind me of the man that he was before he was ill, and I miss him as he was then, but I never had an all consuming mourning period the way that I have for other people close to me who died suddenly and too young.

The day after my Mum died I went out my pals for a curry and ended up in a bar singing (badly).

It’s fine to feel ok (and it’s fine to feel relieved, I did and I loved my Mum more than any other person alive at that point in my life).

However, this may be shortlived. I am so sorry your dear Mum has died, it’s shit I know.

My mum's very poorly and always in pain ,she says herself she's had enough so I'd be at peace when the inevitable happens x I will remember the good times the agile happy mum and know that she will be dancing up there.
It makes me sad to see her decline x