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Original poster

My beloved mum died but I’m ashamed that I feel OK.

94 replies

GalwayShawl · 22/12/2022 13:44

We buried our lovely mum on Monday. She died three weeks ago so there was a long time waiting.

She was so sick and lived with us for six months, in and out of hospital culminating in open heart surgery from which we never fully woke. I could see her deteriorating day by day from July to December. I literally did nothing but care for her for months - all the parenting I left to
my husband.

I am far better than I thought I would be possibly because it was my entire life for
Months and I think I got used to it? But we were so close and this has been something I’ve dreaded my whole life - why am I so calm? I feel ashamed.

But also she went blind through a stroke and developed dementia quite suddenly so I feel like I’ve been missing her for most of this year. I don’t know if I’ve come to terms with it because if the traumatic and desperate nature of her death or because I’m aware that had she lived, it wouldn’t have been a life worth living for her.

A bit teary at times and flashbacks to ICU but other than that feel ok, just cracking on.

Im scared that I’ll be hit by a huge tsunami of grief but at the moment feel totally capable and grateful that she’s no longer suffering. She and I have been released from a devastating situation.

I am looking forward to the new year. I feel so inappropriate. Looking forward to getting my life back.

is it possible I’ve done the sharpest part of grief. We we’re so close yet I just feel that she’s within me and always with me and I feel broadly fine. I know she’s here and I feel strong. Am I in shock??

OP posts:

AmazonianAvatar · 22/12/2022 20:06

Think how your Mum would want you to feel at her passing OP.

Would she have wanted you to go into a deep, debilitating grief or would she have wanted you to feel relief for her that her suffering is over and have good memories of her which make you a bit emotional occasionally but mostly smile and feel comfort?

Don’t feel guilt your Mum would never want you to feel. It’s actually healthy to be able to be logical about death which it sounds like you are. She was obviously a good Mum and gave you good tools for life.

Bluekerfuffle · 22/12/2022 20:23

Was just thinking the same earlier today. I was very close to my mum and always dreading the day she went. When it happened three months ago I was there and it was unexpected and traumatic, with hours of going through despair and then hope and then despair again as she was given repeated CPR. I also feel guilty that I am plodding on and getting on with things, but every now and then it hits me, especially certain places and thinking about things we would be doing if she was still here. I’ve been trying to keep my mind occupied with anything else and have faith that she is ok now and hopefully happy.

suzyscat · 22/12/2022 20:36

GalwayShawl · 22/12/2022 13:51

Thanks so much.
I have felt horribly guilty all week.
But she’s completely part of me and we were very similar and both naturally optimistic types, I just feel OK.

I am so glad to hear that not all grief is truly crippling.

Please don't feel guilty. My mum and her sister felt the same when they lost their mum. The last bit had been an unsustainable workload, full of suffering and preparation and I guess there wasn't that shock more of a release for grandma and them.

Sometimes the big burst comes, it has with my own grief, but it didn't for them and their situation was more similar to yours.

Merry Christmas

Rainbowshit · 22/12/2022 20:41

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Baconand · 22/12/2022 20:46

My grandfather had dementia and my mum did all her grieving when he was still alive but didn’t know who anyone was. She was pretty much fine when he actually died. They were very close.
There’s not a right way go be.

Original poster

GalwayShawl · 23/12/2022 12:25

Well I’m bawling my eyes out today 😂😂

OP posts:

WhatWouldHopperDo · 23/12/2022 12:44

Sending hugs @GalwayShawl

babyjellyfish · 23/12/2022 14:46

Unmumsnetty hugs for you.

Blocked · 23/12/2022 15:29

GalwayShawl · 23/12/2022 12:25

Well I’m bawling my eyes out today 😂😂

It comes in waves. At the start the waves can be huge and crashing, but they get smaller over time. Take your time, you'll get there

JockTamsonsBairns · 23/12/2022 23:16

Op, I work in a Hospice, and I can reassure you that bereavement and loss is very personal. Everyone has their own reaction, their own journey, and their own feelings about the relationship they had with their loved one.

There's no "should". Loss is so personal, and you'll find your own way through.
Some people have a massive outpouring of grief, while others tend more towards a quiet contemplation. Neither is right or wrong.

My own dad died very suddenly when I was 15. He was an absolute stalwart, and I'd say the love of my life (if that doesn't sound too strange?!).
I'm 49 now, and I never did get a moment of grief 'hitting' me. I was so incredibly sad when he died - but I've always had a sense of peace around his death, like our closeness gave me the comfort I needed.
I hope this makes sense.

I've got a bit of a mantra that stays with me, which is - I feel so massively lucky that I had such an amazing dad, even for such a short time.
He was such an influence on me, I often think that he's still sitting on my shoulder.
I won't go far wrong in life while I still seek out his guidance.

PlantPhoenix · 24/12/2022 22:11

@JockTamsonsBairns that is so beautiful. I hope my children feel a bit like that about their dad. I know that when I'm having a good time with friends I feel like it's celebrating DH's life in some way. This is our first Christmas without him but he loved eating and drinking with friends and family so much that it feels like we're celebrating him if we carry on with a relatively normal Christmas

PlantPhoenix · 24/12/2022 22:11

JockTamsonsBairns · 29/12/2022 00:16

PlantPhoenix · 24/12/2022 22:11

Oh love, I do hope that you and your children find your own ways to grieve. There is no right or wrong. I have celebrated my Dad's life multiple times over, and I have laughed so much more than I've cried. Laughter is healing for me - Dad had a brilliantly sharp sense of humour, and that lives on through me... My relationships with my friends, my husband, my colleagues, my children - we find the humour in the strangest of places. I have shed tears, of course I have, but it's far more important to me that I keep his memory alive by 'living'. Dad would be so disappointed if he thought I was dragging myself around, unable to see the joy in life. Honestly, it's ok to grieve in your own private and personal way.

Catshaveiteasy · 29/12/2022 00:23

My mother died 3 years ago. Her health declined over many years but for her last year she no longer knew who or where she was, and her quality of life was severely limited. It was a relief to me when she died. No, I never had any overwhelming grief. I felt I'd mourned the gradual loss of her over the years. However I still miss her and am often reminded of her. My life feels like there is a hole in it, especially when we gather as a family.

fUNNYfACE36 · 29/12/2022 00:36

You could not possibly have wanted your mum to live like that.Her death was a blessed relief xx

Original poster

GalwayShawl · 29/12/2022 06:31

I’m at her house now, just staying here for comfort really. Hoping to get some stuff taken to the tip and spend time with my sister.I don’t know who I am or how to feel really. just want ti crack on with selling the house now and it’s making me sad that I am so Impatient but she’s really not here in any sense.

her spirit keft here months ago

I have had had a few healthy cries and am finding the whole thing quite arduous mentally

I’m so grateful though that it was months and not years- although I’ve realised she was slowly dying anyway with undiagnosed heart failure.

OP posts:

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 29/12/2022 06:52

Abra1t · 22/12/2022 13:52

I felt the same when my father died. I miss him but his life was not what he would have wanted in his final year. I said goodbye to him every time I left the nursing home or hospital and never knew if it would be the last time.

I echo this. The relief when someone who is suffering is free at last is immense. The grief hits later I found .

mrsconradfisher · 29/12/2022 09:25

So sorry for your loss. My Mum died on Boxing Day and at the moment all I feel is utter relief that she isn’t suffering anymore. She was only diagnosed with Dementia last Christmas so her decline has been very quick. I’ve basically spent the whole of last year grieving for her. She no longer recognised me or her beloved grandchildren and over the last week was incontinent and couldn’t talk. She would have hated to live any more like that as she was a very private person and it would have been her worst nightmare.

clairelip · 29/12/2022 09:37

A friend said to me when my dad died of kidney failure that grief is like glitter, when you think it's all gone you find another bit. I'm okay most of the time and then suddenly something will make me think of him, an tv advert for Morecambe and wise set me off last time as my dad loved them. The best advice I can give is to remember the happy times with your mum and know you were lucky to have a wonderful mother and that she loved you very much and although I'm not really religious I do believe you will see her again one day and she'd want you to be happy.

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