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Original poster

Husband hasn't come home

576 replies

blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 07:17

I need advice please- my husband went out for his work night out last night and just hasn't come back. He told me the arrangement was that work would pay for a taxi home, then I would drive him back to collect his car today.

I last heard from him at around 6pm yesterday evening and not a dicky bird since. Sent him a message asking if he was having a good time at around 11pm, he hasn't read it. I thought that was odd as he would usually message me once or twice during the evening or at least let me know if he was planning on being late, and I would do the same. But I wasn't too worried and just went to sleep- assumed he was having a dance and a drink and a nice time. Got a sick toddler and I have the lurgy too so I was knackered.

I've just woken up and he isn't home, his phone rings when I call. WhatsApp messages are on one tick.

I'm absolutely frantic, this is really, REALLY unusual behaviour. He's a real home bird, not a big drinker normally (although has his moments) and likes his colleagues very much but isn't particularly close friends with them. He's just not someone who would stay out all night unexpectedly without saying ANYTHING, and I know he has battery because his phone rings. What do I do???

OP posts:
DarkShade · 22/12/2022 08:30

If it's in character (and it sounds like it is!) I would believe him too. I dated someone like this. Great guy, would never have cheated but can easily imagine him walking around until dawn instead of talking to a stranger. His decision making looked strange from the outside because his scale of what he minds doing Vs what he hates doing is really different to other people's. So being cold and staying up all night wouldn't have been a big deal, but being in an awkward social situation or having to sit there with other people trying contact you would have seemed awful to him. He would make choices that seemed strange and not do the thing that seemed obvious, but actually it's not because he hadn't thought of the obvious thing, it's because the obvious and innocuous looking thing would have been awful for him.

Anyway I think the real problem here is that now that he is a father he needs to face his fears. He must have known that you would fear the worse and so should have really really tried. Can be hard with neurodivergence in the mix (if he is, not assuming - the guy I just told you about was!) But perhaps it would be helpful to sit down together and come up with non negotiable priorities such as never going no contact all night, and strategies to help him cope with situations he finds hard.

Glad he's ok!

nancydroo · 22/12/2022 08:30

Does he smell strongly of oxygen. That outsidey smell I mean. Very distinctive.

Helpyou · 22/12/2022 08:30

I think he's telling the truth too. WhatsApp ringing still rings through even if other phone is dead and it makes sense as the WhatsApp messages weren't delivering so I think his phone being dead / off is correct.
He does sound like he could have autism from the way you've described him which may explain a few of his decision making techniques!
I recently discovered I have ADHD and it suddenly made me really understand why I think the way that I do!

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clpsmum · 22/12/2022 08:31

Please be careful Op and I'm saying this as someone who has fallen for lies. He may well be an odd character but surely he knows if car park is locked he can get a taxi home. He may also be using the fact he is a bit different to his advantage to manipulate you. I hope I am wrong and everything works out for you but I wouldn't believe it

frami · 22/12/2022 08:31

The senario may seem strange to some people and would have done to me until a few days ago when the same thing happened to a group of my friends after a Christmas meal. There was only a very small sign indicating that it closed early. None of the group are ND or disoganised, it was just bad luck.

Glittertwins · 22/12/2022 08:32

We almost fell foul of a carpark that required the ticket to be scanned before we could get in last week. It stops cars being broken into and the homeless from seeking shelter. It was a well known rough sleepers spot in the last.

vera99 · 22/12/2022 08:32

You wouldn't invent such a bizarre story so I'm guessing it's true.

Wakk · 22/12/2022 08:33

No car park is so locked up he couldn't get to his car. Would make me think the whole thing was a total lie.

clpsmum · 22/12/2022 08:33

tatalan · 22/12/2022 08:23

Bless, he sounds autistic.

What an offensive and patronising post.

Original poster
blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 08:33

Shutupyoutart · 22/12/2022 08:28

Op could he be nd? Sorry if it's already been mentioned, or if I'm way off but the way you describe him sounds like he could be. It sounds like something my cousin would do, my brother too actually, I think his story sounds entirely plausible and if it's not true it's a very elaborate lie when he could have just said he crashed somewhere. Poor fella must have been freezing wandering around in the cold all night, I'm glad he's safe. Ps. It's lovely how well you know him and it's clear you love him very much from your posts x

I think this is probably the case, I love him a lot and know his quirks. This is the first time in a long time that he's done something that's really frightened me but he just turns into a great big panicky goose in these situations.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 22/12/2022 08:34

frami · 22/12/2022 08:31

The senario may seem strange to some people and would have done to me until a few days ago when the same thing happened to a group of my friends after a Christmas meal. There was only a very small sign indicating that it closed early. None of the group are ND or disoganised, it was just bad luck.

So did they all walk the streets in the freezing cold all night not contacting anyone at all???

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 22/12/2022 08:34

blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 08:22

Yes I've wondered this for years. It's really hard to describe what he's like, he's usually delightfully peculiar but I'm not too fucking delighted at this precise moment.

Show quote history

Or ADHD. It sounds like he struggles with executive functioning. As unbelievable as this sounds to many people it is possible that he is telling the truth and he did what he said he did. Given you know him OP and we don't if this tallies with who he is I'd be focusing now on what he can do to make sure things like this don't happen again. Randomly wandering the streets for hours isn't exactly a safe way to spend the night. Good luck with it all.

www.additudemag.com/7-executive-function-deficits-linked-to-adhd/

Dragonskin · 22/12/2022 08:34

PurpleBananas22 · 22/12/2022 08:24

What type of car park was it?
I know they often close barriers so you can't enter or exit the car park, so that sounds plausible.

But he couldn't access his car to start the engine & charge his phone? Not so plausible.

I'm wracking my brains and actually can't think of a single car park where I couldn't sit in my car, even if the barriers were closed.

Surely you just find a way in? Most car parks have multiple entry points for pedestrians!

We have several round here where they close a shutter/garage door over the entrance to the multi-storey, and lock the external doors

Minimalme · 22/12/2022 08:34

My dh has social anxiety and will go to great lengths to avoid talking to people. Our eldest son is the same and they both have really compromised their own comfort in the past to avoid asking for help.

However, I would still need some proof sand would maybe want to check his location on his phone and battery etc.

He can't help it if he makes bad decisions because of anxiety but he has caused you anxiety and it is fine to want reassurance imo.

neveradullmoment99 · 22/12/2022 08:34

Bit of a 'tall' story that.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 08:35

Wakk · 22/12/2022 08:33

No car park is so locked up he couldn't get to his car. Would make me think the whole thing was a total lie.

You're wrong. Some are - see my previous post.

@blackandwhitecat123 was he in Newcastle?

MoltenLasagne · 22/12/2022 08:36

Glad your DH is safe OP, and FWIW I totally believe his story because I know people who would do similar.

I think it does need addressing though because he needs to develop skills to cope better in the future. Plus I'd be saying he needs to take out a debit card in future so hes not entirely dependent on his phone, or possibly always carry an emergency powerpack.

Charlize43 · 22/12/2022 08:36

This is the time of year when people drink too much and end up waking up in the hospital drunk tank after being picked up of the pavement.

I can't say it hasn't happened to me a few times in my life. I'm not proud to admit that.

Nogbreaks · 22/12/2022 08:36

Glad he’s home but he sounds like an absolute fuckwit! Why didn’t he just call a cab? There’s more to it…

neveradullmoment99 · 22/12/2022 08:37

Nogbreaks · 22/12/2022 08:36

Glad he’s home but he sounds like an absolute fuckwit! Why didn’t he just call a cab? There’s more to it…

Yes, ridiculous.
I really would not buy this.

TimeForMeToF1y · 22/12/2022 08:38

Wakk · 22/12/2022 08:33

No car park is so locked up he couldn't get to his car. Would make me think the whole thing was a total lie.

Is that based on you haven't visited every car park in existence?

Why are so many people in here incapable of realiaing there's a whiole world outside their own bubble

Of course there are carvparks that don't want randoms getting in at night for security reasons

Zooeyzo · 22/12/2022 08:38

The car parks normally have an attendant but if you have social anxiety that's not going to help. Especially if you have to convince them to let your car go with no money.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 08:38

Nogbreaks · 22/12/2022 08:36

Glad he’s home but he sounds like an absolute fuckwit! Why didn’t he just call a cab? There’s more to it…

Because his phone had died. The story does sound plausible to me.

BloaterW1 · 22/12/2022 08:40

neveradullmoment99 · 22/12/2022 08:37

Yes, ridiculous.
I really would not buy this.

Show quote history

OP has suggested SEN may be involved so not a massive stretch to think it happened as husband said.

Yippitydoodah · 22/12/2022 08:42

I was waiting for the ‘ND’ posts…