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Original poster

Husband hasn't come home

576 replies

blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 07:17

I need advice please- my husband went out for his work night out last night and just hasn't come back. He told me the arrangement was that work would pay for a taxi home, then I would drive him back to collect his car today.

I last heard from him at around 6pm yesterday evening and not a dicky bird since. Sent him a message asking if he was having a good time at around 11pm, he hasn't read it. I thought that was odd as he would usually message me once or twice during the evening or at least let me know if he was planning on being late, and I would do the same. But I wasn't too worried and just went to sleep- assumed he was having a dance and a drink and a nice time. Got a sick toddler and I have the lurgy too so I was knackered.

I've just woken up and he isn't home, his phone rings when I call. WhatsApp messages are on one tick.

I'm absolutely frantic, this is really, REALLY unusual behaviour. He's a real home bird, not a big drinker normally (although has his moments) and likes his colleagues very much but isn't particularly close friends with them. He's just not someone who would stay out all night unexpectedly without saying ANYTHING, and I know he has battery because his phone rings. What do I do???

OP posts:
zingally · 22/12/2022 11:35

TBH it sounds like the sort of thing my dear old (now departed) Dad would have done.
He had a real people-facing job, work colleagues would have described him as really confident and no-nonsense. But in fact he was a really shy, introverted guy, who would never approach a stranger for anything. Not in a million years.
I lost count of the number of times I stood in supermarkets with him, and rather than saying excuse me to someone who was in his way, he'd just stand there passively waiting until they moved.

He had very few practical problem solving skills, and would have done the exact same thing as your DP. His story sounds plausible to me!

mistopheles · 22/12/2022 11:36

This happened to me! I parked my car, went to get my haircut and when I came back around 7:30ish the car park was shut. There was a security sign with an emergency number to call but my phone was out of charge. I flapped about a bit (with my swishy hair) and ended up flagging down a police officer who kindly called the number for me. Security arrived and let me out.

It's an unusual decision to walk around all night waiting for the car park to open but I do understand the reasoning. If your DH didn't want to get the police involved, or anyone, to help him, then walking around till 7:30 would have seemed the only plan. Dipstick.

BlokeHereInPeace · 22/12/2022 11:37

Got a mate a bit like this. He's got coping strategies including having some fivers tucked up in hs wallet, phone numbers written out on a bit of laminated card in his wallet. As many have said, car parks get locked, phones go flat, the world isn't full of coffee shops open at 3am and helpful hotels who will call up taxis at random in the middle of the night. Looks like he needs to learn to avoid these situations rather than try to learn what they do when they happen.

Happy christmas OP.

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Relationship problems
Sunshinegirl82 · 22/12/2022 11:43

I think your DH and mine would get on OP!

My DH is genuinely fantastic and I love him, he'd do anything for us and the DC but I can completely imagine him doing something like this!

It's like a processing thing in my DH's case, he just can't organise the information he's presented with in a way that means he arrives at a sensible solution. He can follow a plan but can't improvise AT ALL!

Everything functions completely fine day to day and most of the time I'm there to deal with anything unexpected so things only go wrong very occasionally (and normally a phone call will sort that out). The lack of phone battery was the main issue here I think.

I'm glad he's ok!

Original poster
blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 11:43

BlokeHereInPeace · 22/12/2022 11:37

Got a mate a bit like this. He's got coping strategies including having some fivers tucked up in hs wallet, phone numbers written out on a bit of laminated card in his wallet. As many have said, car parks get locked, phones go flat, the world isn't full of coffee shops open at 3am and helpful hotels who will call up taxis at random in the middle of the night. Looks like he needs to learn to avoid these situations rather than try to learn what they do when they happen.

Happy christmas OP.

This is a good idea, I'm going to make him a little pack to keep in his bag with a power pack, phone numbers, charger cable etc for Christmas. I feel really sorry for him, he's really shaken and says he doesn't want to go on nights out again. Also feel very sorry for myself as I'm knackered and had a horrible fright 😆 this has given me a kick up the bum to talk about things a bit more frankly with him, I haven't bothered before because it doesn't have too much of an impact usually but this was really awful.

Merry Christmas too 🥰

OP posts:
ABBAsnumberonefan · 22/12/2022 11:44

Megifer · 22/12/2022 09:24

I'm assuming he went back to where the taxis were picking people up, they don't tend to arrive in a herd at the same time to pick everyone up, so its pretty certain there were some stragglers?

No need to be rude 🤣 I think its total bullshit, you don't. Who cares as long as ops happy with the explanation

Show quote history

Aw babes, that wasn’t being rude! What you were doing was though - being a total shit stirrer.

She said the colleagues had left in the taxis. So that would suggest the taxis the companies organised had left.
No phone = no taxi

Use your brain more.

Seasonofthewitch83 · 22/12/2022 11:48

Totally believable. I lost my house keys before and my phone was dead. I just sat at a bus stop all night like a numpty because my front door was accessed through a locked gate via a pub garden!

GnomeDePlume · 22/12/2022 11:50

BlokeHereInPeace · 22/12/2022 11:37

Got a mate a bit like this. He's got coping strategies including having some fivers tucked up in hs wallet, phone numbers written out on a bit of laminated card in his wallet. As many have said, car parks get locked, phones go flat, the world isn't full of coffee shops open at 3am and helpful hotels who will call up taxis at random in the middle of the night. Looks like he needs to learn to avoid these situations rather than try to learn what they do when they happen.

Happy christmas OP.

I agree with this.

@blackandwhitecat123 please try not to make too much of this. It will stress you both out more. It is quite possible that, given the circumstances, waiting for the car park to open was the sensible option.

I don't know where you live or where the works event was but I have lived and worked in plenty of places which are completely shut late at night. No convenient taxi offices/coffee shops/hotel receptions ready to welcome waifs and strays and let them charge their phones etc.

It isn't social anxiety to not ask anyone for help if there is no one viable to ask.

In my town getting any sort of taxi which hasn't been booked and paid for in advance is nigh on impossible in the evening. Let alone late at night.

Glitterpens · 22/12/2022 11:52

Flippin heck op, glad he's ok.

It does sound highly suspicious, but, it's something I can imagine my brother doing. He is autistic and has anxiety. He has got himself into some right ridiculous and far fetched situations over the years because he can't/doesn't make normal rational decisions.

Only you know your dh well enough to know.

Gerwurtztraminer · 22/12/2022 11:55

blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 10:42

That's a good point and I will raise this with him. Interestingly, these problems have improved a bit since having DS as he's determined not to pass on his hang ups so he has pushed himself a bit to do things that make him uncomfortable. I would hope that the urge to keep DS safe would override the aversion to talking to strangers but hope isn't good enough, I'll have this conversation with him when he's feeling less anxious.

Show quote history

It would worry me too, that he might panic and make unwise decisions when in charge of a child. He clearly does need to stop relying on his phone for paying for everything and carry a debit card, power bank and some back up cash when on his own. I've seen so many people in a flap because their phone didn't work or died at a critical moment. One person missed a flight as their boarding passes were on it & it died just as about to board, no time to get it sorted and weren't allowed on.

When you do talk to him about coping strategies OP, it's worth discussing possible scenarios and options if they happened. And also getting him to practice talking to strangers, Giving him a little script and examples of when it might be appropriate to initiate a conversation. Even if just talking to the check out person at the supermarket or whatever. He won't want to do it I'm sure but if he can be persuaded it's to help keep DS safe hopefully he'd give it a go. Practising makes the unfamiliar less frightening and gives confidence and something to fall back on as a memory when a real situation occurs

dnaconundrum · 22/12/2022 11:56

Not sure if it helps OP, but WhatsApp calls still ring through when your phone dies / turned off.

my friend recently had her iphone stolen by a man on a moped in London, I found it odd as WhatsApp kept ringing through but nothing else would work. She never got that phone back or located!

BadNomad · 22/12/2022 11:56

Oh this is definitely something I would do (and have done similar things in the past) due to autism/ADHD and social anxiety. I probably would have gone and sat on a park bench until the car park opened. That would make more sense to me than trying to figure out a way to get home, then have to come back again the next day.

sue20 · 22/12/2022 12:00

TerraNostra · 22/12/2022 11:31

@sue20 how long have you been on Mumsnet? Long enough to get fed up with it but not long enough to realise that there is a “see all” function that lets you read all OP’s posts without wading through all the responses?

as explained above, “see all” will do that in the mobile site. If you are using the app you select Filter on the OP and it will allow you to filter to only posts by the OP.

Not long enough (but getting there) to be surprised by the amount of aggression! Is it really necessary to write this way?

Yes thank you I know about "see all" Ive learnt to always check this first. But the conversation about the drive was not featured in the OP posts. It was only from reading the responses that it occurred to me a 45 minute drive where I live (capital city) is a very different walk time to someone in a different type of place.

ExhaustedFlamingo · 22/12/2022 12:04

Hey OP. I’m so glad he’s back safe and sound!

Like lots of others on this thread, it all sounded very dodgy at first but reading through your comments I can completely appreciate that’s not the case.

I’m autistic and so are my DC. I present a bit differently as I also have ADHD. I am intelligent, have a good career and a loving relationship with my DP….

but oh my shitting god, I can make some ridiculous decisions sometimes!! In the moment, the solution seems very clear. Typically it doesn’t occur to me to do anything else because I can see what I need to do. More often than not I choose a weird solution that makes no sense and is often the worst possible option….but I don’t realise at the time. I have a pretty high IQ but I can’t seem to solve basic life problems. G do or example…. The local supermarket introduced a weird hanging thing at the checkout for baskets and I had NO fucking clue what I was supposed to do. I can remember (cringing here) getting on my hands and knees in the supermarket to look UNDER the basket holder thing for a clue. Why??! Why do I do such stupid things?! It’s an equal source of entertainment (usually for DP) and frustration.

My autistic DS (aged 13) had to take something across to the main school building. The door was locked. Rather than knocking or going back to his class to say it was locked, he just stood there waiting. His teacher told me this as she watched him for a while to see what he would do. Nothing. He did nothing. Just stood there. She had to go and rescue him. That sounds like your locked car park.

Would your DH do an online test for autism? It might be useful to see how he scores.

Re practical solutions - brilliant suggestion from a PP about always having back up plans. I talk these through with DP if it’s significant as often he can think of a better back up plan than me 😂😂

sue20 · 22/12/2022 12:06

blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 10:30

And this! That would have been a mad thing to attempt!

Show quote history

True but completely depends on where OP lives. In a large city a 45 minute drive is a couple of hours walk.

TeaKlaxon · 22/12/2022 12:10

Seaweed42 · 22/12/2022 11:08

Could he not have flagged down a taxi.
Then paid for it using his phone. Or woke up to pay with your credit card, or stopped at an ATM?
Anyway the list of options he didn't take are endless.

His phone was dead and he didn’t have a card. Taxis will often refuse to do long fares with the promise of payment in the house, even if they take card.

CKL987 · 22/12/2022 12:21

I don't know if anyone has already said this but I think WhatsApp will still ring at your end even if the phone of the person you are calling is off.

DazedandConcerned · 22/12/2022 12:21

@blackandwhitecat123 i believe him. It sounds exactly like something my husband would do. Just diagnosed autistic.

Have a chat. It’s taken a massive load off his shoulders and is allowing him to view himself in a new light. Not only helping him cope - but also strategies to overcome the issues he faces. The NHS is providing group and solo counselling as well around coping mechanisms. May be worth it as it may give him more confidence and understanding of himself.

EarthlyNightshade · 22/12/2022 12:22

TeaKlaxon · 22/12/2022 10:42

The number of desperate attempts to prove OP’s husband is lying is pathetic. Of course maybe he’s lying but everything he says stacks up as far as I can see.

All of the ‘gotchas’ to prove he is lying are easily answered:

  1. the car park wouldn’t have been closed/he could have got to his car to charge the phone - umm no. Fully closed car parks exist. OP can obviously check out if his car park was one of them if she wishes.

  2. he could have found somewhere to use their phone to call OP - not if nowhere was open. But mostly, who remembers anyone’s number these days? The only number I could reliably recall would be my parents house phone and my best friend when I was 13. I certainly don’t know my DP’s number.

  3. He could have found somewhere to call a taxi - but a taxi would not usually take a 45 minute fare on the promise of payment on the other side. Too much risk. Taxi drivers are particularly unlikely to do this with an adult man on a comparatively warm night.

  4. He could have gone back to his colleagues - except that they were all leaving at the same time. I don’t know where the car park was but even if it was only ten minutes away, it would be twenty minutes by the time he returned (plus a few minutes probably desperately searching for a way in to the car park). Unlikely to be any colleagues left after 20-30 minutes of them all being on the street ready to leave.

  5. his phone couldn’t have been dead as he was probably buying drinks - obviously quite a stupid one since phones tend to die towards the end of a night out. He could have been merrily paying for drinks until ten minutes before closing. It may even be that he used the last of his battery trying to contact someone in the car park.

  6. If he’s socially awkward or ND he wouldn’t have changed his plan about the taxi - nonsense. If anything, being socially awkward would probably make him more likely to not really want to share a taxi with colleagues and to decide at the last minute he’d prefer to not drink and just drive home.

I do wonder if all those confidently claiming he’s lying are just trolls or really sad people with no trust in their lives.

Lovely post.
It's weird how many people just want to try to wreck the relationship of a complete stranger just because they can.
If OP had asked "would you believe this story?" then I can see why people are giving opinions, but she didn't.
It's such a shame that people judge all people just based on their own experiences.
You are brave, OP, to be so understanding of some quite frankly nasty posts.

HaggisWurst · 22/12/2022 12:24

Second a pp who mentioned autism. I'm pretty certain my DH has autism, no diagnosis though and this really is something that he'd do. I also don't understand his thinking sometimes and it feels like he can make things so much more complicated for himself than they should be.

somethingdifferenttoday · 22/12/2022 12:24

OP PLEASE DONT MAKE HIM a PACK FOR NIGHTS OUT.

You aren't his mother!

Even with my ASD so I'd suggest he needs one and get him to put it together so he has to think through the practicalities which is helpful in itself.

He does sound like he may be neurodiverse though. Glad he was ok in the end and I can totally believe his version of events if he does turn out to have ASD!

Original poster
blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 12:27

somethingdifferenttoday · 22/12/2022 12:24

OP PLEASE DONT MAKE HIM a PACK FOR NIGHTS OUT.

You aren't his mother!

Even with my ASD so I'd suggest he needs one and get him to put it together so he has to think through the practicalities which is helpful in itself.

He does sound like he may be neurodiverse though. Glad he was ok in the end and I can totally believe his version of events if he does turn out to have ASD!

OK I won't 😌

OP posts:
Sundayvibes · 22/12/2022 12:29

Threads like this are the ugly side of Mumsnet.
some of you love to pile in just to case trouble.
It’s completely spineless.

Time for a break from this place.

Merry Christmas OP

Doris86 · 22/12/2022 12:29

Did it not occur to him to find a public phone to call you (reverse charges if necessary?).

Original poster
blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 12:30

Thanks again everyone, I really appreciate the insights

OP posts: