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Original poster

Husband hasn't come home

576 replies

blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 07:17

I need advice please- my husband went out for his work night out last night and just hasn't come back. He told me the arrangement was that work would pay for a taxi home, then I would drive him back to collect his car today.

I last heard from him at around 6pm yesterday evening and not a dicky bird since. Sent him a message asking if he was having a good time at around 11pm, he hasn't read it. I thought that was odd as he would usually message me once or twice during the evening or at least let me know if he was planning on being late, and I would do the same. But I wasn't too worried and just went to sleep- assumed he was having a dance and a drink and a nice time. Got a sick toddler and I have the lurgy too so I was knackered.

I've just woken up and he isn't home, his phone rings when I call. WhatsApp messages are on one tick.

I'm absolutely frantic, this is really, REALLY unusual behaviour. He's a real home bird, not a big drinker normally (although has his moments) and likes his colleagues very much but isn't particularly close friends with them. He's just not someone who would stay out all night unexpectedly without saying ANYTHING, and I know he has battery because his phone rings. What do I do???

OP posts:
Original poster
blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 10:30

theswoot · 22/12/2022 10:28

@Manaslave18 he was a 45 minute drive from home - that could be 50 miles!!

And this! That would have been a mad thing to attempt!

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 10:30

Manaslave18 · 22/12/2022 10:27

Surely even a really really long walk home would not have taken him 6 hours, so he could have walked home rather than wandered the streets for 6 hours?

I work a 30 minute drive away. It would take 5 hours and 40 minutes to walk that according to google map. Given that my journey is nearly all motorway I wouldn't know the walking route, especially if my phone had died and I couldn't use google map. So your suggestion probably wouldn't work as he may not know the walking route home.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 10:30

Cross posted @blackandwhitecat123

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Relationship problems
xogossipgirlxo · 22/12/2022 10:33

What a stress, OP. Glad he's back home and it was just car being in prison, nothing serious. My car was locked once too and my battery dying, but I wasn't far from home, so I just took the bus 😂But it was 4-5 miles.

whynotwhatknot · 22/12/2022 10:36

most taxis accept cards/contactless now he could have gone and asked

what if he was stuck somrwhere with the dc would he just panic and not do anything about it?

TidyDancer · 22/12/2022 10:38

I'm glad there was a good ending to this OP. I have social anxiety and I have suspected for a while I may be ND and I could quite believe I would do something like this. It sounds bizarre but not if you're used to having strange coping mechanisms for things that other people find easy. It's not always as simple as doing the logical thing.

girlmom21 · 22/12/2022 10:38

whynotwhatknot · 22/12/2022 10:36

most taxis accept cards/contactless now he could have gone and asked

what if he was stuck somrwhere with the dc would he just panic and not do anything about it?

He couldn't access his Apple Pay if his phone was dead

Original poster
blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 10:39

PrinceHaz · 22/12/2022 10:26

I wouldn’t be suspicious of this in the slightest. It sounds to me that he is likely autistic: poor executive function, anxiety, lack of social life.
I would imagine that if he is autistic, his quality of life is generally fine because his work from home life with you suits him well.
If, in the future he is doing activities that are unusual for him, it might be worth planning out possible emergency scenarios with him so he knows how to handle them.

This seems spot on, I don't know if he is ND but I've always wondered. He's absolutely fine in situations where he's comfortable or talking about something he's knowledgeable about, so he would come across as confident to his work colleagues. He's fine with things like job interviews because he understands how those conversations go if you see what I mean and he's confident with the subject matter. It's striking up a conversation with a stranger, especially while stressed and having to explain he's done something daft that he would find unbearable.

Generally he seems quite happy and is a good dad, it's a happy marriage overall. I do a lot of 'organising' for him but then he does a lot of the hands-on stuff as I have a chronic illness. I do agree that he needs some strategies for coping in unfamiliar and unexpected situations. I was really cross when he came home because I was so scared but I actually feel really sorry for him, it's shaken him up.

OP posts:
bitfit · 22/12/2022 10:39

Glad he's home OP, hope you both aren't too traumatised. My family are all ND and have a variety of quirks. I think his story is totally plausible. Like a PP said though, what would he have done in a similar situation with your DC with him? Would he have panicked or been able to think of a solution - that would be my only worry here

TeaKlaxon · 22/12/2022 10:42

The number of desperate attempts to prove OP’s husband is lying is pathetic. Of course maybe he’s lying but everything he says stacks up as far as I can see.

All of the ‘gotchas’ to prove he is lying are easily answered:

  1. the car park wouldn’t have been closed/he could have got to his car to charge the phone - umm no. Fully closed car parks exist. OP can obviously check out if his car park was one of them if she wishes.

  2. he could have found somewhere to use their phone to call OP - not if nowhere was open. But mostly, who remembers anyone’s number these days? The only number I could reliably recall would be my parents house phone and my best friend when I was 13. I certainly don’t know my DP’s number.

  3. He could have found somewhere to call a taxi - but a taxi would not usually take a 45 minute fare on the promise of payment on the other side. Too much risk. Taxi drivers are particularly unlikely to do this with an adult man on a comparatively warm night.

  4. He could have gone back to his colleagues - except that they were all leaving at the same time. I don’t know where the car park was but even if it was only ten minutes away, it would be twenty minutes by the time he returned (plus a few minutes probably desperately searching for a way in to the car park). Unlikely to be any colleagues left after 20-30 minutes of them all being on the street ready to leave.

  5. his phone couldn’t have been dead as he was probably buying drinks - obviously quite a stupid one since phones tend to die towards the end of a night out. He could have been merrily paying for drinks until ten minutes before closing. It may even be that he used the last of his battery trying to contact someone in the car park.

  6. If he’s socially awkward or ND he wouldn’t have changed his plan about the taxi - nonsense. If anything, being socially awkward would probably make him more likely to not really want to share a taxi with colleagues and to decide at the last minute he’d prefer to not drink and just drive home.

I do wonder if all those confidently claiming he’s lying are just trolls or really sad people with no trust in their lives.

Original poster
blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 10:42

bitfit · 22/12/2022 10:39

Glad he's home OP, hope you both aren't too traumatised. My family are all ND and have a variety of quirks. I think his story is totally plausible. Like a PP said though, what would he have done in a similar situation with your DC with him? Would he have panicked or been able to think of a solution - that would be my only worry here

That's a good point and I will raise this with him. Interestingly, these problems have improved a bit since having DS as he's determined not to pass on his hang ups so he has pushed himself a bit to do things that make him uncomfortable. I would hope that the urge to keep DS safe would override the aversion to talking to strangers but hope isn't good enough, I'll have this conversation with him when he's feeling less anxious.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 22/12/2022 10:43

Glad he’s safe, sounds like he’s found a wonderful match, lucky him. Not sure I can say lucky you right now! But I can understand his scenario.

sue20 · 22/12/2022 10:44

ShadowPuppets · 22/12/2022 07:24

I wonder if he’s lost his phone if it’s ringing but he’s not picking up messages. I’m sure he’s fine but what a worry for you. DH did this once but rocked up at 5am so at least I only had a couple of hours’ worry. And for full disclosure I’ve done it to him a couple of times pre kids! I know you immediately go to the worst case scenarios but honestly, I don’t know many people who haven’t had one or two instances of getting carried away/losing their phone etc - I’m sure it’s that.

Very drunk and phone lost or stolen?

whynotwhatknot · 22/12/2022 10:45

right fine it run out already at that point

but like i say he needs to be more prepared he cant go round panicking and just not do9ing anything about it especially if he has dc

Fingeronthebutton · 22/12/2022 10:46

If he was walking around all night, why didn’t he walk home.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 10:48

@Fingeronthebutton
@sue20
Please read the OP's updates. Neither of these were an option.

TimeForMeToF1y · 22/12/2022 10:50

Unless they were ambulance taxis what on earth has that got to do with anything

You are aware that taxus can be prebooked I assume

sue20 · 22/12/2022 10:51

blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 07:49

He was about a 45-minute drive away so way too far to walk

Show quote history

Would think a 45minute drive would take 2 hours max to walk. I am not young but my only concern would be personal safety.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 10:52

Unless they were ambulance taxis what on earth has that got to do with anything

Really! You can't work out why someone might need to get to hospital urgently and doesn't have the transport to do so? Or is unable to drive for one reason or another?

luckylavender · 22/12/2022 10:52

TiredA · 22/12/2022 07:26

Can you go to his place of work today to find out where he is?

Please don't do that

Original poster
blackandwhitecat123 · 22/12/2022 10:53

Google maps says 6 hours to walk, it's only 45 minutes if you drive on the motorway. It would be significantly longer if you drove a route suitable for walking.

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 10:54

Would think a 45minute drive would take 2 hours max to walk. I am not young but my only concern would be personal safety.

A 45 minute motorway journey could be 50 miles @sue20. Even olympic athletes can't run that fast. My journey to work is a 30 minute motorway journey and would take over 5 hours to walk it. And you are assuming he would know the route away from the motorway, given that he couldn't use google maps as the phone had died. Your logial thinking skills seem rather lacking.

HotChoxs · 22/12/2022 10:55

Odd thread.
OP worried about husband not returning home. Thankfully returns home next morning. OP happy with explanation.

Turns into cheating thread because so many people have been cheated on.

sue20 · 22/12/2022 10:59

clpsmum · 22/12/2022 07:52

I'm afraid I think you are being very naive. His story is a load of a crap and more fool you if you fall for it

Really sorry but I agree with this. If he was wandering around for 6 hours why wasn't it home bound? A 45min drive would take much less time to walk I would have thought. But not that you are a fool. It's a nice trait to be trusting. My main feeling reading all this is either he is lying or he is an enormous great big stupid baby!

Sparklfairy · 22/12/2022 11:00

RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 10:54

Would think a 45minute drive would take 2 hours max to walk. I am not young but my only concern would be personal safety.

A 45 minute motorway journey could be 50 miles @sue20. Even olympic athletes can't run that fast. My journey to work is a 30 minute motorway journey and would take over 5 hours to walk it. And you are assuming he would know the route away from the motorway, given that he couldn't use google maps as the phone had died. Your logial thinking skills seem rather lacking.

Exactly. I've just googlemap searched a town roughly 45 mins drive away. 24.5 miles and over 8 hours walking!

Another is 28 miles away and 7.5hrs walking. And I wouldn't manage either with a dead phone and no map!