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Original poster

Weird event, need some help interpreting what was going on

131 replies

LaurieFairyCake · 21/12/2022 20:20

I went to an event today, I go every month. There's 6 of us.

Every time at this event the (we take it in turns) host gives us a glass of sparkly something, then we drink sparkly or wine for an hour or so - discuss politics, then we have tea and cake and then leave

Today was our Christmas one. The host gave us a glass of wine, it wasn't refilled - no one said anything at all (including me)

After a very long period of time we had a cup of tea and there was no cake

There was an undercurrent of something 🤷‍♀️

I've no idea what ?

I've discounted the following:

  1. It's not money, I have the least money of a wealthy group of people
  1. It's not me (it's NEVER you, though my paranoid thoughts obviously wonder if they don't want me, the newest member of the group. It really won't be me, the others are lovely
  1. I wonder if one of them is sick but they don't want me to know, they're all older than me and have been in this group together decades?

Apart from that I've come up with nothing but I'm really baffled

I cant iterate how strongly enough it was different than every other month we've done it

Anyone any ideas ? (obviously I can't ask, it looks rude)

I'm hosting next time, I'm unsure about whether to be a bit more low key too

OP posts:
Newwardrobe · 21/12/2022 22:37

Maybe there's been a spat via email or text between some of them that's caused the weird atmosphere?

Gensola · 21/12/2022 22:38

I would be upset by this too. Hope you get to the bottom of it and can enjoy hosting when it’s your turn.

Katekeeprunning · 21/12/2022 22:39

I hope you can find out if something has happened and that will put your mind at rest

Tinner01 · 21/12/2022 22:45

Is it an NWR type thing? Cant really help that much but I know a lot of politics can come from these types of groups!

antelopevalley · 21/12/2022 22:48

I think there was a weird vibe as everyone else was wondering where is the bubbly! Where is the cake! And all wondering if someone else was going to say something.

Saz12 · 21/12/2022 22:52

The one who emailed you is just checking in to say “I care about you”, with a spurious excuse. Probably doesn’t have the nerve to say “hope you’re ok, hope we’re still friends”, is more sophisticated & grown up than that.

I would guess that either (a) the group have plans for an event that you’re not invited to and some feel bad about it, (b) there’s been News affecting someone in the group which no one can quite bring themselves to discuss with you there, or (c) host was overwhelmed - yet another Christmas obligation that seemed like it’d be fun in November - and you’re taking it personally because you’ve had a crappy week.

BatshitBanshee · 21/12/2022 23:05

It's entirely likely that you're hypersensitive (I say that kindly) given the week you've had and maybe you're picking up on an atmosphere that wasn't there previous. I think you've done the right thing with the message you've sent, I would see the email as "gosh we were probably a bit rude, I better give an olive branch" kinda thing.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 21/12/2022 23:08

host has taken offence at you trying to muscle in on hosting the Christmas get together as it's their thing.

they've taken it very personally as if you feel their hosting isn't up to scratch, and have taken the hump and refused to cater properly if you are going to be there.

the others think they are being silly and have ended up awkwardly attending an event knowing that the host has taken issue with one of the guests and that guest has absolutely no idea they've inadvertently caused offence.

the others don't want to tell you you have caused offence because they don't want to upset you and think the host will get over themselves eventually.

Rogue1001MNer · 21/12/2022 23:10

This would really upset me too.

My head would also be spinning

Iknowthis1 · 21/12/2022 23:15

My guess is that two of the members of the group have had an argument.

hugefanofcheese · 21/12/2022 23:17

Bless you, what an awful week 💐

I can understand why you feel thrown off by this but I wouldn't assume it was personal to you.

Is the host still quite busy and social? If so then I would suggest that the run up to Christmas might be a bit hectic for them and they may be thinking 'oh shit, as much as I love seeing the politics group, I could really do without this tonight but ive offeed to host, so am going to do the bare minimum and get it out of the way. I put on a good spread last time so hopefully they won't think I'm being tight'. Alternatively they might not be feeling in the best of health given their age.

The follow up email suggests that the others noted this and wanted to assure you that it wasn't intended to make you
feel unwelcome.

Seeing as you've offered to host next time, I'd try and put this out of your mind, have a relaxing rest of the night, then host next time as normal with nice wine and cake and see if things feel more back to normal. If not, ask your closest friend in the group if all is well. It's a busier than usual time of year, with health worries for older folk in particular so I would reserve judgement until next time unless you hear anything more.

If it turns out there was a dinner that the others went to that you weren't invited to then it might've been with other friends or something and they just found it awkward to mention it. Not the best way at 17 or 77 but there's nothing from your post that indicates you were deliberately left out.

I'd try to park this for now and reassess at the next meeting.

BertaHoon · 21/12/2022 23:22

LTBs

BoneyEmm · 21/12/2022 23:25

Could one of them have had a positive lft? We're any of them ill?

Could they have been worried about passing on flu/covid while you had a sick relative? And then hurried the night along?

MysteryBelle · 21/12/2022 23:28

We’re you supposed to bring the cake? 😄

Did you say anything politically last time that was even the teeniest bit off the group’s opinion?

A terrible but common thing for a group dynamic is to have one person ‘included’ to ‘convert’ (although you say you’re very likeminded, but you’re younger than the group so it crossed my mind), or to be the person the rest of the group or ringleader will complain about and put group against because that’s how they get their kicks. However I don’t think this is the case as you say they’re all great people.

ok. Could be they wanted to go to dinner just themselves. The person who just emailed you, it is a perfect opportunity to text back and say btw, felt something was off and I wasn’t in the loop?

AliceOlive · 21/12/2022 23:31

It will come out in the wash. I don’t think you are imagining things but it may have nothing to do with you.

Staniel · 21/12/2022 23:49

Iknowthis1 · 21/12/2022 23:15

My guess is that two of the members of the group have had an argument.

That was my best guess.

I'd be like you, OP, and assume it was to do with me, but it's probably not.

As suggested upthread, email the person who emailed you and just ask the question.

It's either that, or they were indeed heading out to dinner afterwards, and felt awkward. That would explain the follow up email as well.

Sorry you're having a rotten time Flowers

NCNCNCYEP · 21/12/2022 23:51

Sometimes you gotta trust your gut? Although I suspect the only way you’ll truly know or even attempt to know, is if you directly ask someone x

ThisSolstice · 21/12/2022 23:51

Honestly, OP, you’ve had a dreadful week, and have most likely converted a lack of booze and nibbles at a gathering that didn’t go with a swing into a sense of exclusion and conspiracy. I wouldn’t give it any more thought. It sounds very unlikely to be anything at all to do with you.

JedEye · 21/12/2022 23:53

Did any of the guests turn up with drinks or food? Maybe the host was annoyed that people were waiting for them to offer more of their Christmas cheer.

deeperthanallroses · 22/12/2022 00:03

Gosh you have to ask. And I don’t see why you need to keep it to vague ‘Is everything ok?’ I’d add people seem a bit funny and suddenly I’m not sure if I should be supplying the usual wine and cake for the next one, is there a reason we didn’t have it last week? Would people be upset if I provide it as usual?

Cherryblossoms85 · 22/12/2022 00:07

Bit off topic but I'd love a political debating group!! Hope you can resolve the issue and keep going.

Goingforarun · 22/12/2022 00:15

There’s absolutely no point guessing. You’ll have to ask someone. Then let us know. Please.

Bluekerfuffle · 22/12/2022 00:15

An argument between two of them doesn’t explain the lack of cake and wine unless one of them dropped them.

ShowsLikeThese · 22/12/2022 00:44

Oh, I know what you mean. Had this feeling once at a meet up with a group of very close friends. Was so upset about the weird atmosphere that I knew was somehow directed at me, but couldn't figure out why. The next day, the relevant person told me the 'news' they had avoided telling me the night before.

To this day that group prob think I was upset about the 'news' I heard the next day, but actually I was upset because I felt so utterly shit at the feeling of suddenly being an outsider in the group.

angelpoise · 22/12/2022 00:48

I'm confused as to why you think this is about you? There is nothing in your description to suggest that you were being treated differently so why do you think this is personal?
I would ask the person who contacted you afterwards