Weird event, need some help interpreting what was going on

[LaurieFairyCake]

I went to an event today, I go every month. There's 6 of us.

Every time at this event the (we take it in turns) host gives us a glass of sparkly something, then we drink sparkly or wine for an hour or so - discuss politics, then we have tea and cake and then leave

Today was our Christmas one. The host gave us a glass of wine, it wasn't refilled - no one said anything at all (including me)

After a very long period of time we had a cup of tea and there was no cake

There was an undercurrent of something 🤷‍♀️

I've no idea what ?

I've discounted the following:

1. It's not money, I have the least money of a wealthy group of people

1. It's not me (it's NEVER you, though my paranoid thoughts obviously wonder if they don't want me, the newest member of the group. It really won't be me, the others are lovely

1. I wonder if one of them is sick but they don't want me to know, they're all older than me and have been in this group together decades?

Apart from that I've come up with nothing but I'm really baffled

I cant iterate how strongly enough it was different than every other month we've done it

Anyone any ideas ? (obviously I can't ask, it looks rude)

I'm hosting next time, I'm unsure about whether to be a bit more low key too

Yes, they all know something you don’t. Perhaps something about your ongoing participation in the group?

I would message the one you’re closest to

Perhaps they are sick of footing the bill for this event. Do you contribute financially or bring along wine/ cake.

My friendship with a fella( no boyfriend)petered out when I stopped supplying all the food / grog/ transport when it was never reciprocated. He was better off than me btw.

I think you're right that they were going somewhere afterwards but they forgot to invite you and the awkwardness was them all waiting for someone to invite you. But nobody does.

@LaurieFairyCake i think on this occasion you are probably overthinking it.

It’s likely that the reason you felt weird/odd is because of everything else that’s happened. It’s been the worst week of your life, after all. I’m sorry.

It’s also quite possible that they might have sensed that something wasn’t quite right with you or that you were preoccupied/upset. Sometimes people don’t then know how to act or what to say.

If everyone has always been friendly, then give them the benefit of the doubt. Speak to the friend you’re closest with, if it will help you to feel better.

Maybe, but how would you explain the no nibbles and reduced wine in comparison to previous events...

Perhaps news of the bereavement had reached them somehow. Things are rarely as confidential as we think they are and one of them might have found out. They might not have wanted to act as festive/celebratory as they usually would.

Are you all Marxist Lenninist revolutionists ?

They are wealthy but maybe the last week's heating bills just about finished the host off. They were frozen (hence not chatty) and saved all their gas to heat the room for the meet so you all had to go without cake, nibbles or refills.

Or one of them was outed as having an affair with another and the rest of the group did not want to take sides.

(Conjecture, of course. But it is a possibility.)

Anyway I was just offering a counterpoint to the scorched earth/cut them all off perspective. OP might need these friendships/this circle of people in months to come.

@LaurieFairyCake in your shoes I would probably host exactly as you were planning to. If there’s still an atmosphere at the next event then you can re-visit your position then.

Wishing you peace and strength.

Just do the usual thing next time. Don’t overthink it.

I hope you are OK Laurie

Could be anything and nothing but I've just watched an old Lewis with sword of truth and imaginary worlds and who did it was not who anyone might have thought had done it.

Pour yourself a glass of wine. Put on some nice music and snuggle down in bed.

I’m thinking the total opposite. I’m very interested in this group OP, sounds good! I have no advice for you that hasn’t really already been said. But to reiterate, it’s unlikely to be anything to do with you, but you won’t know unless you ask. In your shoes, I’d ask.

3 options

1. Ask
2. Let it Fester
3. Let it go.

If it were me I would have to ask, otherwise it would fester and I would be unable to let it go.

Hope it works out ok for you

@LaurieFairyCake sorry to hear of your loss and difficult week. Were the rest of the group aware of your loss? Do you think they might have felt they needed to be a bit subdued and hadn't expected you to turn up in a celebratory mood? If the loss was someone very close to you?

I don't really think the lack of additional wine or cake is that odd, perhaps down to poor organisation. What is a bit odd is how you are automatically jumping to something going on that everyone else was in on and you were excluded. That's screaming out to me that your self esteem is at rock bottom or that you are struggling with some mental health issues. I only say this because I see similar paranoia in a close friend who will interpret things differently to me. And also your comments about trying to gauge the right amount of wine and cake when you host next time when you've been attending for a year and hosted before with no issues I assume? Maybe this week has just left you feeling a lot more fragile?

I think you're probably right that there was something you were not party to going on. I think the email was to reassure you that it wasn't an issue with you.

Ask the person who has unexpectedly emailed you i.e. has tentatively made contact with you after the last odd meeting.

Would the film mentioned in the e.mail possibly provide any clues?
It has provided an opportunity to ask what was wrong, maybe take it?

I do t understand why you think it would be anything to do with you? I could understand if everybody had been offered cake but you or a glass of fizz etc, but it doesn’t sound like you were treated differently or singled out in any way? The fact nobody said anything doesn’t necessarilly mean they were all in the know, you didn’t say anything either but clearly weren’t in the know either. It could just be everybody was too polite to ask the host why there was no cake/ more wine etc rather than because there’s a big secret reason everybody knows but you,

Honestly, I think you’re overthinking it. Maybe there’s a reason for it but it’s really unlikely to be centred around you and nothing in your post suggests it would be. Host your event as normal next time with the normal routine of the last 14 months and, unless anything specific did come to light between now and then, I wouldn’t overthink why things were different this time and certainly wouldn’t assume it was because of something you did.

If they're in their 70s and 80s there are plenty of reasons why they might be trying to cut back on the amount of booze they're drinking, ditto with cake. Maybe they're private about it but plenty of people are told they have to change their diets and lifestyles. I think it's a massive leap from slightly changed hospitality arrangements to intrigue and conspiracy. I suspect it's more likely that your horrible experiences this week were affecting your mood and outlook. Anyway, you'll know if it's the same next time, and if it is I would pluck up the courage to ask.

I used to be a member of a political meet up group where everyone was significantly older - maybe they're on cake strike in solidarity with nurses/ambulance staff/rail workers

But if not, ask the member you're closest too - I found them quite keen to share the gossip with the outsider, but I did need to ask. These groups have a lot of internal disagreements!

Yes, I would agree with this. The person who emailed did not want you to feel excluded but that she was thinking of you. Either email her back saying thanks and ask if everything was okay with the group, or just focus on looking after yourself in the next few days, and then host as normal.

That's what I think too. Sometimes slightly older people can be very private about their personal lives and only share info with people they've known for eons. Could well be the case here.

Really sorry you've had such a terrible week, we want to feel included when bad things happen but I really don't think this issue is personal from everything you've said.

Tories

What time did everyone go home? Was it earlier than usual?