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Original poster

DH gave cash win to one DD and the other one got nothing

132 replies

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 20/12/2022 23:34

DH bought two tickets for a Christmas raffle and put name of one DD on each. The girls are 16 and 12.
The girls or I were not aware of this.
One ticket won £100. I was with both girls in the living room when our older daughter received a text from DH telling her she had won £100. Other daughter checked her phone and no text. Older DD stated that she assumed it meant that there was £100 between the two girls (£50 each). She checked with DH and stated he had explained that only she was getting money as her name was on the winning ticket and her sisters ticket had not won.
The younger girl was quite taken aback and just gepeated "that is so mean". DD 1 was visibly torn between being delighted to have got an unexpected sum of money and feeling bad, asking me if she needed to give her sister a share.
I am in shock as while it may technically be correct that one girls ticket won, DH should in my view simply have told both girls that they had won £100 between them irrespective whose name was on the raffle ticket.
I am trying to figure out how to turn this round - both DDs are feeling bad. I am shocked that it did not occut to DH that this was going to be an issue (£100 is a big sum to DD1 and a fortune to DD2). He is now pissed off that it is an issue and that I have addressed it with him - he feels clearly bad about it in hindsight but has no ideal what to do and is not willing to discuss it. I have said that he needs to find a solution to resolve this.
We can't just give money to the younger one to even things out - it would just make things worse. We can't undo it and effectively penalise the other girl.
The girls normally get on really well and there is very little jealousy.

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/12/2022 23:39

Did your DDs pay for the tickets themselves? Assuming not and they were bought together and it was just random which name was put on which surely you just tell them they must split the money and give them £50 each. The disappointment for DD1 to have it changed retrospectively so she’s ‘won’ £50 instead of £100 will be less than the disappointment for DD2 to have received literally nothing. If you don’t solve it this will be one of those ‘my parents were so awful and favoured my sister so much they used to give my sister money and me nothing’ stories she trots out when she explains why she is low contact with her parents. She is unlikely to forgive or forget.

amslop · 20/12/2022 23:40

Just split it 50:50, I think you're making it into a bigger problem than it is. DD1 expected to share, your husband was stupid in his approach but it doesn't need to be so difficult to solve does it?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 20/12/2022 23:41

I think too much time has passed now if the eldest was told it was just her money.

What the hell was your husband thinking?! He needs to have the solution.

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SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2022 23:43

asking me if she needed to give her sister a share
So what did you say? She feels bad, her sister is there upset, it's effectively free money. Surely to say along the lines of "well I think it would be the kind thing to do, what do you think?"

CatSeany · 20/12/2022 23:44

Definitely needs to be split! I can't believe he wouldn't think to do that. He just needs to apologise, say he made the wrong decision, and explain that the fairest way is to split the winnings. My Dad buys us all scratch cards when he sees us... one for each member of the family. If any card wins the kids get half each.

EIfie · 20/12/2022 23:44

What a twit he is.
Solution is to split it though. I think your husband should top both girls up the extra £50, when funds allow, and tell them so. His mistake, he needs to make amends.

SirenSays · 20/12/2022 23:46

I honestly wouldn't make a big deal out of this. If they were younger I'd say split but I don't think 16 and 12 are too young to understand there are winners and losers and it sounds like your older DD is happy to spoil the younger a little anyway.

golfwidow88 · 20/12/2022 23:48

I'm going against the grain...

If the eldest son why should she have to share with youngest? If they had a ticket each.

Life lesson?

They aren't babies.

Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 20/12/2022 23:48

Neither girl knew about the ticket - talking with younger daughter who is wondering why he did not just keep the money and spent it on Christmas presents.
I think both girls feel a bit awkward.
Have left it as stupid thing to do and this happens when there is poor communication.
Younger daughter is not asking for money - she has articulated that it was additional money but that it was absolutely not thought through.
Not spoken to older daughter by herself yet.
The time to share tha money has definitely passed.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 20/12/2022 23:53

One ticket won. Why does the non winner expect a share?

Newusernameaug · 20/12/2022 23:54

No sorry, the time to share hasn’t passed nd your older daughter at 16 should 💯 be offering to split it with her sister half half.
and if she didn’t offer I’d make her.
it will be a good life lessons in morals for them both.
they’re sisters and should learn to support each other and have each other’s backs as equals and stand against their dad in this. It needs to be no more than, thanks dad for the £100 and buying us both tickets, we’ve decided the split it!
end of.
and as their mother I’d make damn sure they did this.

Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 20/12/2022 23:54

Neither girl was aware that there were tickets so it was not really the opportunity to learn about winners and loosers. Basically the ticket was bought (and won) by DH. If he had told each girl prior to the raffle that they got a ticket each it would be different.
They are not babies and there is little drama.
But both feel awkward.
My suspicion is that DD1 is likely to spend the money on presents and I hope if she does that that she will buy herself something.

OP posts:
Mrspostitnote · 20/12/2022 23:57

What a carry on when there’s no need just split end of story

pinneddownbytabbies · 21/12/2022 00:03

I hope your DH realises what a pillock he has been. He should have just told them that he'd bought two tickets, won a £100 prize, and decided to give them half each.

(How come he didn't buy you a ticket OP?)

Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 00:07

I am certain that on DH side it was not well thought out. Or rather not thought out at all. They did not have a ticket each as they were not aware of them - he had two tickets and had scribbled one name on each ticket.
I do not know what DD1 will actually do with her money.
Yes I could force her to share but that would not be right either.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 00:10

He needs to untangle the situation - for the time being he is in a huff because apparently he always gets the blame.
Both girls (and I) are certain that there was absolutely no intent to create a difficult situation and he just followed a certain logic, without checking whether or not if was okay.

OP posts:
strawberriesplease · 21/12/2022 00:11

FFS.

You're clearly the sensible parent so step in, sort it, split the money and move on.

Stop dithering.

Eyerollcentral · 21/12/2022 00:12

Oh fgs it’s literally the luck of the draw. A 12 year old is old enough to understand that. I am in disbelief that anyone thinks the 16 year old should split the money. Such a palaver, poor girl has now been guilted about what should have been a nice surprise. Far too much thought given to this, is the younger one used to getting her own way?

Create10 · 21/12/2022 00:13

Your eldest won and your youngest didn't. I'm one of two sisters with exactly the same age gap and, yes, it's annoying that the other sister won, but that's life. Maybe next time the youngest will win. I don't think DH has done anything wrong, and I don't think DD should be expected to share.

roarfeckingroarr · 21/12/2022 00:33

Split it 60/40 in winner's favour.

Sceptre86 · 21/12/2022 06:03

I wouldn't split it. The dad won it in dd1's name. He has chosen to give it to her and that's the end of that. There is no need to share and dd1 doesn't need to be taught she has to share it with her sister or to be nice. Instead dd2 should have been told that it wasn't unfair, its not the same as her dad giving £100 from his own pocket to one child and not the other. Considering the drama if I was your dh I'd be writing my own name on any raffle tickets going further.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/12/2022 06:25

Do you have the money to even the score? I would contemplate this if you can. Firstly, I would sit down with your dh and 16 yo whilst your 12 yo is at a friend’s house or in bed and discuss why this approach was wrong. If they use their money, fair and square. But a parent to divide children like this is wrong. Ask them what they think should happen.

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 06:30

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2022 23:43

asking me if she needed to give her sister a share
So what did you say? She feels bad, her sister is there upset, it's effectively free money. Surely to say along the lines of "well I think it would be the kind thing to do, what do you think?"

Yeah this.

Let her make the choice. It's all very well her saying she felt bad but clearly not bad enough!

BCBird · 21/12/2022 06:34

Life lesson. If your daughter had wanted to share she could have

pelargoniums · 21/12/2022 06:34

DH has really fucked up here! He had the opportunity when older DD asked if it meant £50 each to say “Yes, that’s right” and instead he doubled down on his raffle mistake! This is on him to fix, but I can see why you want to step in.

I would ask older DD to share or give younger DD £50 – no more than she’d have got had your DH had any sense to begin with.

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