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Original poster

DH gave cash win to one DD and the other one got nothing

132 replies

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 20/12/2022 23:34

DH bought two tickets for a Christmas raffle and put name of one DD on each. The girls are 16 and 12.
The girls or I were not aware of this.
One ticket won £100. I was with both girls in the living room when our older daughter received a text from DH telling her she had won £100. Other daughter checked her phone and no text. Older DD stated that she assumed it meant that there was £100 between the two girls (£50 each). She checked with DH and stated he had explained that only she was getting money as her name was on the winning ticket and her sisters ticket had not won.
The younger girl was quite taken aback and just gepeated "that is so mean". DD 1 was visibly torn between being delighted to have got an unexpected sum of money and feeling bad, asking me if she needed to give her sister a share.
I am in shock as while it may technically be correct that one girls ticket won, DH should in my view simply have told both girls that they had won £100 between them irrespective whose name was on the raffle ticket.
I am trying to figure out how to turn this round - both DDs are feeling bad. I am shocked that it did not occut to DH that this was going to be an issue (£100 is a big sum to DD1 and a fortune to DD2). He is now pissed off that it is an issue and that I have addressed it with him - he feels clearly bad about it in hindsight but has no ideal what to do and is not willing to discuss it. I have said that he needs to find a solution to resolve this.
We can't just give money to the younger one to even things out - it would just make things worse. We can't undo it and effectively penalise the other girl.
The girls normally get on really well and there is very little jealousy.

OP posts:
DaftyInTheMiddle · 21/12/2022 06:36

OP doesn’t want to be the bad guy and tell older DD to share. Of course DH should be the one to do that but when you partner with an incompetent fuckwit thems the breaks. Your poor younger dd

whatsagoodusername · 21/12/2022 06:40

Could DD1 spend the money on an activity she could do with DD2? Something they would enjoy doing together?

Lunch out, an activity, a souvenir.

leftitabitlate22 · 21/12/2022 06:52

I honestly can't see the problem, at their ages. When the elder said Do I have to share I would have said something along the lines of if roles were reversed what would you want your sister to do?

I don't see the problem with what your husband did.

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Families
Idratherbepaddleboarding · 21/12/2022 06:52

I think you’re all making a bigger deal than it has to be. Has DD1 actually received re money yet? Your DH just needs to explain to both girls together that he’s thought about it and it is only fair to split the money between them. I’m surprised your older DD didn’t offer to share TBH.

rollerblind · 21/12/2022 06:55

I do the same as your DP- when buying raffle tickets I write the children's names and if one of them wins then great! They both have premium bonds- some months one of them might win and not the other. I don't see the issue. No need to split.

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 07:00

Why should the elder girl be pressured into sharing? Her ticket won, and she was given the money. It’s her money, OP can’t reasonably make her split it, unless penalising her until she does is considered to be promoting ‘fairness’.

Taking half away is likely to just cause resentments all round.

Hidingawaytoday · 21/12/2022 07:10

Hmm, it's difficult. I remember winning one of those big tins of celebrations at a raffle once (can't remember if i paid for the ticket or my parents did, but it was in my name) and they told me I had to share. I always felt shit about that - not because I had to share (as I was would have done anyway) but because I was just told that was the case rather than being given the chance to offer.

In your case I'd see what your older dd is thinking, she might just decide to give some to her sister or buy her an extra present from it. But give her the chance to offer.

Theydoyaknow · 21/12/2022 07:15

The winning ticket won. End of. That’s life. I am with your husband on this one.

LAMPS1 · 21/12/2022 07:15

I’d ask the girls what would have happened if their dad had actually given them the tickets before the draw and only one had won…..would they have split the winnings ?
From what you have already said, they will agree that yes they would have split it. So you can then encourage them to do that and to be really happy about it …saying dad was so kind to have bought the tickets for them and he’ll be really pleased that winning ticket daughter has generously decided to share and that her sister is grateful and happy too.
DH has been a bit daft about it all but it’s no big deal.

Maximinimalist · 21/12/2022 07:24

It’s stupid to teach the 12 year old that she is entitled to a share or even that her sister winning is unfair.

There is nothing unfair about this. Your husband is teaching the right lesson here. It is life.

The onus is on the 16 year old to decide what to do with her winnings. If she really want to share, she can. She is 16 not 5.

These are not babies. They are old enough to make sense of this and for the older one to make a decision without being told what to do.

You are making a big deal out of nothing and possibly giving the wrong message to your 12 year old. She is not entitled to a share and it is not unfair. Teaching her otherwise is not a wise thing.

Doingmybest12 · 21/12/2022 07:27

You seem to be the one making a problem here. Dad bought a ticket on each girls behalf, one won, one didn't. Yes you could say to the winner it would be kind to offer to share a bit with sibling but it is up to her. Next time the youngest might win. As long as the winner isn't rubbing the other ones nose in it I would say she should get to enjoy the lucky break and you can model being pleased for someone else.

KatherineJaneway · 21/12/2022 07:29

Theydoyaknow · 21/12/2022 07:15

The winning ticket won. End of. That’s life. I am with your husband on this one.

I agree with this

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 21/12/2022 07:32

I cannot believe how stupid he has been.

Op there was. Massive thread about prieumim bond child winner's.
One DC won load's and it was decided I'm.aure to split winnings to create fairness whilst young at least.

If the older girl won't share I would certainly just give the other 100. I can't believe he didn't think if this and that it's been allowed to turn into this misery instead of both girls being absolutely delighted with 50!!!

Ducksurprise · 21/12/2022 07:33

I also don't think the elder one should share. It's life, they won't always have the same opportunities. It is fair, dh bought two tickets.

RedHelenB · 21/12/2022 07:33

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2022 23:43

asking me if she needed to give her sister a share
So what did you say? She feels bad, her sister is there upset, it's effectively free money. Surely to say along the lines of "well I think it would be the kind thing to do, what do you think?"

This.

Ducksurprise · 21/12/2022 07:34

This reminds me off the post on here (I wonder what happend) when a mum gave everyone a scratchcard, one card won a lot of money, and the majority thought the winner shouldn't share.

DomesticShortHair · 21/12/2022 07:35

KatherineJaneway · 21/12/2022 07:29

I agree with this

Show quote history

Me too. Suppose it he’d bought them each a scratchcard each. If one of the, had won and the other one hadn’t, what would have been your approach then?

It was fair as they both had an equal chance. One won, one didn’t.

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 21/12/2022 07:35

They themselves did not enter into this,it's been done too them.
It's a little family bonus.

For the family and days before Xmas

Theraffarian · 21/12/2022 07:44

I’m with your husband here , he did a nice thing and popped one daughters name on each ticket . No one actually expects to win at raffles and the like really , so if he had come home and said that he did that but didn’t win I suspect you would have thought it was nice he was thinking of them while he was out .

As it is your older daughter got an unexpected but literal luck of the draw win , fabulous. Yes without pressure it would be lovely if she gave her little sister something , but that’s a life lesson for both of them whichever way it goes . Would be great to encourage your younger daughter to be pleased for her older sibling .

MichelleScarn · 21/12/2022 07:46

Doingmybest12 · 21/12/2022 07:27

You seem to be the one making a problem here. Dad bought a ticket on each girls behalf, one won, one didn't. Yes you could say to the winner it would be kind to offer to share a bit with sibling but it is up to her. Next time the youngest might win. As long as the winner isn't rubbing the other ones nose in it I would say she should get to enjoy the lucky break and you can model being pleased for someone else.

Agree with this, and can't help but wonder if he's right with the 'can't do anything right' a nice thing has happened but he'd got his wife and dc now all having a go and being called names!

MargaretThursday · 21/12/2022 07:54

Agree here that one ticket win and they're old enough to understand this. If next time the younger wins something that can't be shared what are you going to do to make that fair?

I wonder if the younger had won whether the OP would be expecting her to share.

Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 07:55

The scratchcard or premium bond or celebration tin is entirely different as it is a situation where each child is aware that there is a potential win that will go to one person only and not everyone can win.
But for that there needs to be a transparency that there are tickets/ballots/scratchcards or whatever and that there will be a draw.
This money was given out without anyone except my husband being aware that it existed. So it does feel as if he had money and chosen to give it to one child.
I have not yet had a chance to speak to my older daughter yet. So no idea what her thinking is. I have spoken to the younger one who says it is difficult because it is not about the money. She is very aware that they do not always get the same things at the same time and accepts that.
I can't tell or "guide" older one into one direction - she was given that money by one parent and I can't take it away from her.
The little one says giving her money now would make it feel even worse.
Even asking what the older one is spending the money on feels wrong, a bit like a stupid moral experiment.
I had considered to suggest to DD1 to donate the money to charity and then take the two out for pizza or something but that would effectively also mean taking the money away from her.

OP posts:
TrufflesForBreakfast · 21/12/2022 07:57

Come on OP, there doesn't need to be a big drama about this. It was a bit shortsighted of your Dh but he was clearly excited that your elder dd had won and thought it would be a lovely surprise for her.

Yes in hindsight it could have been managed better but I don't understand why there now has to be this big dramatic 'awkwardness' about it all. Just sit down with the family and sort it out. Ask dd1 if she's willing to share some with dd2. If she really does feel that awkward and guilty then she'll do so no problem. If she doesn't well it's just tough on dd2. There are winners and losers in life and sometimes life can be unfair. Ultimately I don't know why you seem to have taken on the burden of feeling bad for both your dds when it's they and your Dh that should be sorting it out.

amslop · 21/12/2022 07:58

Honestly OP I don't know how you've created so much unnecessary drama out of this. Stop dragging it on! Either get them to share the money or give the younger one £100 to make it fair. To be honest I feel like you're making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be now in order to use it as a stick to beat your husband with.

AreOttersJustWetCats · 21/12/2022 07:59

If they'd bought the tickets themselves then I'd say that the winner keeps the prize. But they didn't. In this scenario I think it should absolutely have been shared between them - £50 is a nice Xmas treat.