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Original poster

DH gave cash win to one DD and the other one got nothing

132 replies

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 20/12/2022 23:34

DH bought two tickets for a Christmas raffle and put name of one DD on each. The girls are 16 and 12.
The girls or I were not aware of this.
One ticket won £100. I was with both girls in the living room when our older daughter received a text from DH telling her she had won £100. Other daughter checked her phone and no text. Older DD stated that she assumed it meant that there was £100 between the two girls (£50 each). She checked with DH and stated he had explained that only she was getting money as her name was on the winning ticket and her sisters ticket had not won.
The younger girl was quite taken aback and just gepeated "that is so mean". DD 1 was visibly torn between being delighted to have got an unexpected sum of money and feeling bad, asking me if she needed to give her sister a share.
I am in shock as while it may technically be correct that one girls ticket won, DH should in my view simply have told both girls that they had won £100 between them irrespective whose name was on the raffle ticket.
I am trying to figure out how to turn this round - both DDs are feeling bad. I am shocked that it did not occut to DH that this was going to be an issue (£100 is a big sum to DD1 and a fortune to DD2). He is now pissed off that it is an issue and that I have addressed it with him - he feels clearly bad about it in hindsight but has no ideal what to do and is not willing to discuss it. I have said that he needs to find a solution to resolve this.
We can't just give money to the younger one to even things out - it would just make things worse. We can't undo it and effectively penalise the other girl.
The girls normally get on really well and there is very little jealousy.

OP posts:
Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:45

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 08:42

Yes, and hopefully she’s left alone to enjoy her bit of good luck without anyone else trying to tell her how to spend it.

Show quote history

Yes I'd leave it too now unless the winning daughter asks for advice

whattodo1975 · 21/12/2022 08:47

There will be people along to say it’s a life lesson and all that. But as the kids didn’t even know they were in the raffle I’d have just split 50/50.

GentlemanJay · 21/12/2022 08:54

I used to put a Grand National bet on for each family member. Also the odd friend. When a son or friend won I went in to the betting shop to collect their winnings and then passed it on to them. I didn't split the winnings amongst the losers.

I once placed a bet for my late mother. When that won I donated it to a cause she used to support.

I feel sorry for the dad who just bought the tickets for a bit of fun.

Sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong.

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Families
HunterHearstHelmsley · 21/12/2022 08:55

As an older sister... I always had to share everything with my younger sister. Share meant giving her something that was mine. It's built up years of resentment.

If she chooses to share, without any encouragement or guilt tripping then great. If she is made to share, she will just feel that you favour the younger sister.

GentlemanJay · 21/12/2022 09:00

Pineconederby · 21/12/2022 08:06

What an idiot your DH is, talk about putting his foot in it! He’s managed to upset all three of you, all for want of a little forethought. How unattractive! Given neither girl knew he’d entered a raffle on their behalf, he should have split the money equally or used it towards some Xmassy day out. As it stands, he’s just shown himself up. What a shame to create discord just before Xmas. Leaves a really bad taste for everyone.

Yes. What an idiot for thinking he's going to enter a raffle on his two daughters behalf for a bit of fun.

Not.

RunningFromInsanity · 21/12/2022 09:07

I think it’s safe to say the poor DH won’t be buying anymore raffle tickets for his family.

Sirius3030 · 21/12/2022 09:09

Yes, there is a life lesson here…

Something about families and siblings looking out for each here. One way or another, I would share.

SummerHouse · 21/12/2022 09:14

This seems a bit unnecessary. My 10 and 12 year-old would have sorted this themselves. One went trick or treating, the other didn't. My expectation was that they would share the sweets 50/50. In the end it was a 33/66 split. Fair play to them. I would leave it to daughters to split and decide what's fair.

barbrahunter · 21/12/2022 09:15

As one to whom something similar happened a long time ago, you need to split the winnings. It's funny how these episodes can rankle a long time after if there is a perception of unfairness.

diddl · 21/12/2022 09:26

I think as he didn't split it immediately then the daughter who won gets to decide what to do.

As she assumed it was 50 each then surely she'll split it or at least treat her sister?

JockTamsonsBairns · 21/12/2022 09:28

In your DH's shoes, I would definitely have split the winnings 50/50. However, he seems to have been trying to do a nice thing, then didn't think it through.

I'm not sure there's any need for all this hand-wringing and awkwardness now though. If DD1 feels really bad she can either split the cash equally, or give her little sister £20 or whatever.
If she feels bad (but not bad enough) then she can keep the whole lot to herself.

There's a lesson here for everyone to learn from this saga.

Ducksurprise · 21/12/2022 09:29

barbrahunter · 21/12/2022 09:15

As one to whom something similar happened a long time ago, you need to split the winnings. It's funny how these episodes can rankle a long time after if there is a perception of unfairness.

But that works both ways, forced sharing is unfair

cloudsandream · 21/12/2022 09:36

I’m close to your eldest DDs age and honestly, don’t make her share it. She might across as all rosey and fine with sharing but if I had won the ticket, and had to share, I’d be rightly pissed. Teach your youngest that you win some and lose some, you can’t have everything. Being forced to share builds up resentment and bitter feeling (trust me). I think you should just drop it now OP. Donating it to charity and then taking them out is is a crap idea, it’s rightfully HER money.

NoSquirrels · 21/12/2022 09:37

Older DD stated that she assumed it meant that there was £100 between the two girls (£50 each). She checked with DH and stated he had explained that only she was getting money as her name was on the winning ticket and her sisters ticket had not won.

The younger girl was quite taken aback and just gepeated "that is so mean". DD 1 was visibly torn between being delighted to have got an unexpected sum of money and feeling bad, asking me if she needed to give her sister a share.

Why all the drama, then?

Why didn’t you just say ‘Well, DD1, it would be kind of you to share, but it’s up to you.’ Sounds like she wanted to share, so encourage her.

And why not say to DD2, ‘It’s not mean, it’s a raffle - one ticket wins, one doesn’t. It feels unfair, but it’s just the luck of the draw. But maybe your sister will treat you?’

NoelNoNoel · 21/12/2022 09:39

I had a similar situation with the Grand National one year. My DH made the winning DC share and he still resents it now 15 years on.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 21/12/2022 09:40

I don't agree that the time has passed to share it at all personally.
"Dad handled this badly. I have no doubt that your first instinct to share was the right one, and I'm sorry you have been put in this position. We both agree that the correct thing to do is share now."

VainAbigail · 21/12/2022 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Talk about picking the op apart. What business of yours is it exactly how many kids the op has? And why feel the need to try and look for so much info? And why do you think you need to “keep up”??

Nosy weirdo.

nancydroo · 21/12/2022 09:42

A sibling should be genuinely happy for her sister that she has had an unexpected windfall. I don't think it should be shared out. DH is not being mean as he put both girls forward for the raffle. It was a nice thing for him to do. He'll think twice before doing it again.

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 09:44

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 21/12/2022 09:40

I don't agree that the time has passed to share it at all personally.
"Dad handled this badly. I have no doubt that your first instinct to share was the right one, and I'm sorry you have been put in this position. We both agree that the correct thing to do is share now."

Why? To make you feel better, regardless of the impact it has on the girls themselves? Forced sharing isn’t going to promote sibling closeness, it’s just going to create bad feeling.

The girl is already happy about having the £100. She may have thought it would have to be shared, but that doesn’t mean she desired it to be. She should be allowed to enjoy something for herself without being expected to assume responsibility for her sister.

lynthesearesexpeople · 21/12/2022 09:46

Why is this such an issue?

One ticket won, the other lost.

I wouldn’t be telling or encouraging my children to share. The older one had the winning ticket.

Your younger child can’t go through life expecting to get something for nothing - her ticket wasn’t the winning one.

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 09:47

I wonder if she felt bad at being the only one to have the money, or because of the reaction of her mother and sibling applying unspoken pressure to split it. She was put in a shit spot.

Ijuststoodonlego · 21/12/2022 09:52

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 00:07

I am certain that on DH side it was not well thought out. Or rather not thought out at all. They did not have a ticket each as they were not aware of them - he had two tickets and had scribbled one name on each ticket.
I do not know what DD1 will actually do with her money.
Yes I could force her to share but that would not be right either.

If it was me I'd be splitting it, even if having to back track, plus an apology and explanation to the girls.

I was the DC who watched everything go to my brother (still the case). No explanation just that's the way it was/is.

I know you aren't like my parents but please make sure DH doesn't fall into a pattern of repeating this.

User135792468 · 21/12/2022 09:53

Op, there are winners and losers in life. Your dd won that money and her name was on the ticket. I would let your dd1 enjoy it as it sounds like you’re the one compounding the ill feeling instead of actually helping the situation. In your position, I would slip dd2 £20 and explain to her to be pleased for her sister. Your dh would have done it the other way round also so he’s not favouring one child. You need to be the one to take control of the situation but you’re acting like one of the teenagers.

User135792468 · 21/12/2022 09:54

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 09:47

I wonder if she felt bad at being the only one to have the money, or because of the reaction of her mother and sibling applying unspoken pressure to split it. She was put in a shit spot.

Exactly this.

PeekAtYou · 21/12/2022 09:56

I feel sorry for your h. Raffles are often in aid of charity or an organisation like a school so he did a good thing buying tickets. He didn't give dc1 £100 and dc2 £0.
It would be interesting to see what dc1 does with the money. I have a similar age gap and I think they would have spent some of their money (say a tenner) on their sibling. So the sibling also wins but not 50%. My kids would not feel entitled to a 50% share because they were related as they understand it's luck and maybe they will win next time. Did dc1 say what she'd want to happen if the tables were reversed ?