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Original poster

DH gave cash win to one DD and the other one got nothing

132 replies

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 20/12/2022 23:34

DH bought two tickets for a Christmas raffle and put name of one DD on each. The girls are 16 and 12.
The girls or I were not aware of this.
One ticket won £100. I was with both girls in the living room when our older daughter received a text from DH telling her she had won £100. Other daughter checked her phone and no text. Older DD stated that she assumed it meant that there was £100 between the two girls (£50 each). She checked with DH and stated he had explained that only she was getting money as her name was on the winning ticket and her sisters ticket had not won.
The younger girl was quite taken aback and just gepeated "that is so mean". DD 1 was visibly torn between being delighted to have got an unexpected sum of money and feeling bad, asking me if she needed to give her sister a share.
I am in shock as while it may technically be correct that one girls ticket won, DH should in my view simply have told both girls that they had won £100 between them irrespective whose name was on the raffle ticket.
I am trying to figure out how to turn this round - both DDs are feeling bad. I am shocked that it did not occut to DH that this was going to be an issue (£100 is a big sum to DD1 and a fortune to DD2). He is now pissed off that it is an issue and that I have addressed it with him - he feels clearly bad about it in hindsight but has no ideal what to do and is not willing to discuss it. I have said that he needs to find a solution to resolve this.
We can't just give money to the younger one to even things out - it would just make things worse. We can't undo it and effectively penalise the other girl.
The girls normally get on really well and there is very little jealousy.

OP posts:
runningonberocca · 21/12/2022 08:01

Another going against the grain - 1 ticket won and 1 didn’t. Why the pandering to the daughter who didn’t win? It’s a bloody raffle - not every one wins a prize. Most kids learn this considerably younger than 12 and 16!

Your husband has done nothing wrong. You are making a ridiculous drama out of something nice that he did. And setting a level of entitlement in your youngest as well as taking the surprise and joy out of the win for your eldest replacing it with guilt and responsibility for the feelings of her little sister

TheFairyCaravan · 21/12/2022 08:03

I think it’s a shitty thing that your DH did. He should have just bought two tickets, if one came out then split the money equally. Doing it this way was obviously going to cause animosity and upset.

Our kids have premium bonds, they always split winnings up until they were 18. That was their choice.

Choconut · 21/12/2022 08:03

Don't tell dd to donate her money to charity - I don't know why anyone would making her feel bad about this in that way, it was just luck. They may not have known that they had a ticket each until after the draw but what difference does that make? I don't know why it would be different if they'd known before, one would still have one and the other would still be disappointed.

I would have just said 'wow wasn't DD1 lucky to win at the draw' I would then suggest she saves it for something like driving lessons which won't be far off and are expensive. I suspect both girls are picking up on your feelings about this and that is why they are feeling so uncomfortable about it - because of the way you're handling it. It's fine for dd2 to be a bit disappointed that she didn't win, your job is to help her manage that disappointment - it's called building resilience.

I feel sorry for your OH I doubt he'll buy raffle tickets for them again.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Choconut · 21/12/2022 08:04

*one would still have won

Pineconederby · 21/12/2022 08:06

What an idiot your DH is, talk about putting his foot in it! He’s managed to upset all three of you, all for want of a little forethought. How unattractive! Given neither girl knew he’d entered a raffle on their behalf, he should have split the money equally or used it towards some Xmassy day out. As it stands, he’s just shown himself up. What a shame to create discord just before Xmas. Leaves a really bad taste for everyone.

amslop · 21/12/2022 08:07

This reply has been deleted

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3487642l · 21/12/2022 08:08

It is a matter of personal values and fair play to those with differeing opinions. But I think a great lesson in this is that you can share your good fortune with those close to you - and it feels good to share good fortune! Especially with your sibling, as you'll have your sibling in your life longer than any other relationship. I'd explain to the older siblings that she'll probably get more enjoyment out of sharing the money with her sibling and sharing with her ideas of how they will spend the money. It will be a cool memory and sething that brings them closer.

Ducksurprise · 21/12/2022 08:10

Pineconederby · 21/12/2022 08:06

What an idiot your DH is, talk about putting his foot in it! He’s managed to upset all three of you, all for want of a little forethought. How unattractive! Given neither girl knew he’d entered a raffle on their behalf, he should have split the money equally or used it towards some Xmassy day out. As it stands, he’s just shown himself up. What a shame to create discord just before Xmas. Leaves a really bad taste for everyone.

Yes, what a selfish bastard, thinking of his kids when he was out and then giving the winner her winnings, LTB behaviour.

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:14

runningonberocca · 21/12/2022 08:01

Another going against the grain - 1 ticket won and 1 didn’t. Why the pandering to the daughter who didn’t win? It’s a bloody raffle - not every one wins a prize. Most kids learn this considerably younger than 12 and 16!

Your husband has done nothing wrong. You are making a ridiculous drama out of something nice that he did. And setting a level of entitlement in your youngest as well as taking the surprise and joy out of the win for your eldest replacing it with guilt and responsibility for the feelings of her little sister

I don't think the DH did anything wrong. And it's the daughter who won who needs to look at her morals. If she genuinely feels bad she'd spilt it.

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:15

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 07:55

The scratchcard or premium bond or celebration tin is entirely different as it is a situation where each child is aware that there is a potential win that will go to one person only and not everyone can win.
But for that there needs to be a transparency that there are tickets/ballots/scratchcards or whatever and that there will be a draw.
This money was given out without anyone except my husband being aware that it existed. So it does feel as if he had money and chosen to give it to one child.
I have not yet had a chance to speak to my older daughter yet. So no idea what her thinking is. I have spoken to the younger one who says it is difficult because it is not about the money. She is very aware that they do not always get the same things at the same time and accepts that.
I can't tell or "guide" older one into one direction - she was given that money by one parent and I can't take it away from her.
The little one says giving her money now would make it feel even worse.
Even asking what the older one is spending the money on feels wrong, a bit like a stupid moral experiment.
I had considered to suggest to DD1 to donate the money to charity and then take the two out for pizza or something but that would effectively also mean taking the money away from her.

You don't need to get involved unless she asks you. Then say "what would you feel best doing".

Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 08:16

I have not discussed the charity idea with anyone - it was one of many ideas that popped up in my head. I have also not yet spoken to older DD as she had a friend over and precisely because I do not want to take any joy or money away from her or pressure her.
My younger daughter articulated that it was awkward and initially used the word mean.
I did offer younger DD money as I simply could not think of anything else and she (rightly) said that that wouldnjist make it weirder.

I have told husband that this is his mess to sort out.
I am very sure that DH did not do any of this with intent and if we had had a chance to talk before he won that money (because effectively it was him who won the money, not either DD) or if he had paused instead of text messaging her the second the ticket was drawn there would have been a different outcome.

OP posts:
Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:18

No DH hasn't made a mess or done anything wrong. He bought them both a ticket and one of them won. Simple as. In life one of them is going to be doing "better" than the other at any given point.

Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 08:20

In terms of numbers of kids, yes given birth 6 times (one was stillborn). Probably due to biggish age differences at some point had four in the house. Three are adults who are living independently with own jobs/income so have nothing to do with this.
But thanks for asking - I do know how many kids I have and it is not really confusing.

OP posts:
SirChenjins · 21/12/2022 08:20

Crikey, what a massive to-do over something that can be easily sorted. Just give her £50 (there is no 'window') and move on. Tell your DH that next time he needs to buy the tickets in your family name and then split the winnings equally.

Ducksurprise · 21/12/2022 08:21

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:18

No DH hasn't made a mess or done anything wrong. He bought them both a ticket and one of them won. Simple as. In life one of them is going to be doing "better" than the other at any given point.

I agree and it wasn't your DH that has won the money. It was DD, her name was on the slip, personally I think you are as much to blame about the awkwardness, whilst it may not be how you would have dealt with it you have allowed it to blow out of proportion. It isn't 'mean' and you should have explained that to the younger one.

Ducksurprise · 21/12/2022 08:24

This reply has been deleted

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Don't be a dick, it is fucking weird to go trawling in past posts.

It is also perfectly normal to try and hide your identity, in this situation in only relevant to the two that her DH entered into the draw.

anexcellentwoman · 21/12/2022 08:29

@Madwomanuptheroad29
Remembering at this time of year the MIL who popped a scratch card in each of her family crackers on Christmas Day. One of her DIL's won a life changing sun of money. The MIL suggested sharing but the DIL was adamant that she was keeping the lot. Everyone on the thread apart from me and one other poster agreed with her. No sharing with in laws or a MIL who had tried to do a nice thing.
Compare it with this thread.A very different set of responses. Also a warning at this time of year not to go down the raffle/litter ticket route

TwoRockSalmonAndAHaporthOfChips · 21/12/2022 08:31

Growing up in our family this wouldn’t have been anywhere near such a drama - at 16 I would have split it with my younger brother without a second thought, but that might just be us - my family are very much one for all and all for one. That’s carried through into our middle age - DB and our parents and I would do anything for each other, and always have done. It’s stood us all in good stead.

Don’t let money cause a family rift. Having people who care about you is way more important than money - and I say that as someone who grew up far from well off.

anexcellentwoman · 21/12/2022 08:31

I have always hoped the MIL secretly altered her will to make sure the other members of the family received more than the grabby DIL

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 08:38

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:14

I don't think the DH did anything wrong. And it's the daughter who won who needs to look at her morals. If she genuinely feels bad she'd spilt it.

Show quote history

why? What has she done wrong, exactly? She may feel awkward as to the circumstances, but she’s got no reason to feel bad at all. She got an unexpected bit of luck, she should be able to feel happy about that without being expected to feel bad and automatically share with her sister. None of this is her fault nor her responsibility to fix.

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:40

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 08:38

why? What has she done wrong, exactly? She may feel awkward as to the circumstances, but she’s got no reason to feel bad at all. She got an unexpected bit of luck, she should be able to feel happy about that without being expected to feel bad and automatically share with her sister. None of this is her fault nor her responsibility to fix.

Show quote history

No and that's absolutely fine but it rests with her now. She has even asked if she has to split it and "feels bad" so now it's up to her to make the moral judgement. I'm not even saying she's wrong to keep it. But she's the one who has to weigh up if she feels so bad she will split it or not.

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:41

anexcellentwoman · 21/12/2022 08:29

@Madwomanuptheroad29
Remembering at this time of year the MIL who popped a scratch card in each of her family crackers on Christmas Day. One of her DIL's won a life changing sun of money. The MIL suggested sharing but the DIL was adamant that she was keeping the lot. Everyone on the thread apart from me and one other poster agreed with her. No sharing with in laws or a MIL who had tried to do a nice thing.
Compare it with this thread.A very different set of responses. Also a warning at this time of year not to go down the raffle/litter ticket route

Yes its all fun and a laugh until the big money gets won!

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 08:42

Ocrumbs · 21/12/2022 08:40

No and that's absolutely fine but it rests with her now. She has even asked if she has to split it and "feels bad" so now it's up to her to make the moral judgement. I'm not even saying she's wrong to keep it. But she's the one who has to weigh up if she feels so bad she will split it or not.

Show quote history

Yes, and hopefully she’s left alone to enjoy her bit of good luck without anyone else trying to tell her how to spend it.

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 08:44

@Madwomanuptheroad29 why do you need to talk to the eldest dd at all? Why not let it lie now, and let her enjoy her win without trying to direct her to share/give to charity/spend it on her sister? Don’t spoil it for her and create further bad feeling.

MintyFreshOne · 21/12/2022 08:45

Can she take her younger sister out for something she likes, like for a pizza or afternoon tea? Will not take the whole amount and can lead to bonding (probably while bitching about their dad…)