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Original poster

DH gave cash win to one DD and the other one got nothing

132 replies

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 20/12/2022 23:34

DH bought two tickets for a Christmas raffle and put name of one DD on each. The girls are 16 and 12.
The girls or I were not aware of this.
One ticket won £100. I was with both girls in the living room when our older daughter received a text from DH telling her she had won £100. Other daughter checked her phone and no text. Older DD stated that she assumed it meant that there was £100 between the two girls (£50 each). She checked with DH and stated he had explained that only she was getting money as her name was on the winning ticket and her sisters ticket had not won.
The younger girl was quite taken aback and just gepeated "that is so mean". DD 1 was visibly torn between being delighted to have got an unexpected sum of money and feeling bad, asking me if she needed to give her sister a share.
I am in shock as while it may technically be correct that one girls ticket won, DH should in my view simply have told both girls that they had won £100 between them irrespective whose name was on the raffle ticket.
I am trying to figure out how to turn this round - both DDs are feeling bad. I am shocked that it did not occut to DH that this was going to be an issue (£100 is a big sum to DD1 and a fortune to DD2). He is now pissed off that it is an issue and that I have addressed it with him - he feels clearly bad about it in hindsight but has no ideal what to do and is not willing to discuss it. I have said that he needs to find a solution to resolve this.
We can't just give money to the younger one to even things out - it would just make things worse. We can't undo it and effectively penalise the other girl.
The girls normally get on really well and there is very little jealousy.

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 21/12/2022 09:57

Children need to learn what having a winning ticket means. It is up to older DD to decide what she wants to do with the money. younger DD needs to learn that having a ticket doesnt mean you will always win.

cosmiccosmos · 21/12/2022 09:59

I would expect my DC to just split the money, they wouldn't even need to ask me, they would just tell me that a what they are doing. I might ask them later what they would do in this situation!

rainbowstardrops · 21/12/2022 10:00

So did he buy two raffle tickets and put each of the girl's names on one each, or one daughter's name on both tickets?

If he put each name on then why should the elder child share?

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Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 10:11

Just to clarify - there was or is no pressure from me. I am not telling older DD to share or not to. I have not talked in any detail with older daughter as she had a friend staying and as I was precisely not creating a drama (which is why I took it out to an anonymous online forum). DD2 did state initially she felt it was mean. I totally understand why she feels that and I am not telling her that this is not valid. I spoke with her when she came back downstairs after bedtime and complained of a tummy ache. I made her herbal tea and we talked about it and basically she explained that she felt awkward. She told me that older daughter had asked her if she wanted money and that she had said she did not know. We did discuss that it was a very stupid and not thought through situation and in no way intentional.
I will not make the older daughter feel that she is undergoing some sort of moral test.
If she approaches me to talk and asks me what I suggest I will suggest something along the lines of her doing some extra x mas shopping or her and her sister going to get something in the post Christmas sales.
But if she decides to keep the money, spend it on something stupid etc that is okay also.
I will not in front of the girls undermine my partners decision.
I did tell him that I feel in a situation where nobody had an awareness that there were any tickets in anyone's name it should have been shared or used for extra gifts or whatever but not given to one child only (unless there is a situation where one child had a genuine need for it).
Situations where each gets a ballot ticket and there s the excitement of the draw are in my view entirely different but can cause their own issues if it is a big win.

OP posts:
Roundandnour · 21/12/2022 10:12

Nope they shouldn’t split it.

When I was a kid we’d be asked what horse would win on the Grand national. None of us would pay but a small bet would be done for each of us. I was forced to share. Same with Halloween, raffles and other times. Even one year when I received money at Christmas I was guilt tripped to share. I don’t have siblings. It was a younger cousin.

Didn’t stop when I turned adult. Got a small inheritance from my dads side of the family and yup was told to share it. And no I didn’t.

VahineNuiWentHome · 21/12/2022 10:19

WallaceinAnderland · 20/12/2022 23:53

One ticket won. Why does the non winner expect a share?

Because neither girls actually knew about the raffle, they didn’t ‘chose’ the ticket and didn’t pay for it (nor were they offered the ticket) so it simply looks like their dad is giving £100 to one girl and nothing to the other.
which is mean and unfair.

VahineNuiWentHome · 21/12/2022 10:25

I’m amazed at the number of people saying that the older dd has ‘win’ and therefore it’s hers.

What did she win exactly? A lottery ticket she didn’t know anything about and wouldn’t have known about if she hadn’t won something. How can she says she was the owner of the ticket in that case?
She didn’t play, aka she didn’t buy the ticket. Nor was given the ticket as a gift. She never had it in her hands.

So where does it say that the money is hers entirely? I mean, for all we know, the father could have decided to favour the older dd by giving her the money seeing that no one saw the tickets before the draw…

It was a shitty action from the father.

Mix56 · 21/12/2022 10:29

I would say to older one that their father was a thoughtless dick. He hasn't got the money to give to younger daughter to even it up. He is not taking responsibility for being totally unjust.
She should either give Dd half or buy her £50 worth if presents
Hopefully she is mature enough to see this is the correct action & consider how she would feel if she was in younger sister's shoes

FunctionalSkills · 21/12/2022 10:34

So basically it's completely fine for dad to randomly gift one child 100 and not the other....

I think he needs to even it up!

beastlyslumber · 21/12/2022 10:35

Jesus this is awful. You both sound like you're refusing to actually parent your children and are instead putting them through some kind of suburban hunger games and seeing who comes out on top.

Just say their dad messed up, it should be £50 each. That's fair. He should apologise for messing it up. Girls both have some money of their own, no one feels hurt or left out or unfairly favoured.

That's the obvious solution. No idea why you won't do it.

Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 10:35

I have kind of made it clear to everyone that I agree with the thoughtless dick sentiment (did word it more diplomatically when talking to daughter about it). So re older daughter I am not going to put her under pressure - if she asks me I will help her figure out what she plans to do. I expect if she asks me it means she is looking for a way to even it out, if not she will not ask.
I not going to make this into a moral test.
DH just has to come out of his huff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 10:37

It is in this situation not up to me to do anything. It is up to DH to untangle.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 21/12/2022 10:37

But you are making it a morality test by not taking over as a parent. How can you put your daughters in that situation? Either the money is split equally between the two girls, or the other girl also gets £100.

There are no other options. Unless you want to completely fuck up your relationship with your kids.

beastlyslumber · 21/12/2022 10:38

Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 10:37

It is in this situation not up to me to do anything. It is up to DH to untangle.

Aren't you their mother? Of course it's up to you to step in if your husband is messing up your kids.

Cherrysoup · 21/12/2022 10:40

You keep saying you’ll leave it to your Dh to sort, so do so. Don’t talk about it with the girls, he should be doing this.

Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 10:44

I spoke to the younger girl yesterday because she got up and I was still up and she wanted to talk. He is at home with kids. I at work.

OP posts:
whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 10:55

beastlyslumber · 21/12/2022 10:35

Jesus this is awful. You both sound like you're refusing to actually parent your children and are instead putting them through some kind of suburban hunger games and seeing who comes out on top.

Just say their dad messed up, it should be £50 each. That's fair. He should apologise for messing it up. Girls both have some money of their own, no one feels hurt or left out or unfairly favoured.

That's the obvious solution. No idea why you won't do it.

because it’s not one?

the eldest one won a competition. That’s it. Hardly parental favouritism, nor something that should reasonably lend itself to dramatics. Forcing the eldest to share isn’t a ‘solution’; if you even consider the situation to be a problem in the first place, and does the exact opposite of encouraging a sibling bond.

whumpthereitis · 21/12/2022 10:59

VahineNuiWentHome · 21/12/2022 10:25

I’m amazed at the number of people saying that the older dd has ‘win’ and therefore it’s hers.

What did she win exactly? A lottery ticket she didn’t know anything about and wouldn’t have known about if she hadn’t won something. How can she says she was the owner of the ticket in that case?
She didn’t play, aka she didn’t buy the ticket. Nor was given the ticket as a gift. She never had it in her hands.

So where does it say that the money is hers entirely? I mean, for all we know, the father could have decided to favour the older dd by giving her the money seeing that no one saw the tickets before the draw…

It was a shitty action from the father.

Her father bought one in her name, and presented it as a gift in its entirety. She may very well have the money in hand now also. It’s hers.

He possibly did, but maybe there should be an expectation of evidence for this, rather than simply ascribing nefarious intentions to him for the hell of it.

anyolddinosaur · 21/12/2022 11:06

Your husband was thoughtless in putting the girls names on the tickets but when one ticket won he gave the money to the winner because he felt it was theirs, not his. The younger one should be taught not to fell jealous because there will be many other cases where people will win things she doesnt have. Instead you should have said what a kind dad to put your names on the tickets and its sad yours didnt win anything.

You undermined your husband being kind and taught your younger child jealousy is valid. You missed an opportunity to say to your daughter that's it's always good to share unexpected windfalls. I can see why your husband is cross with you.

urbanbuddha · 21/12/2022 11:41

It’s really up to your eldest DD now. If she doesn’t give her sister anything your husband should treat her instead. My mum bought all of us premium bonds and if one of our bonds won we were expected to share equally, but that was made clear from the start.

PriamFarrl · 21/12/2022 11:47

It’s so tricky. I do think that she shouldn’t share and sometimes life goes like that, but the fact they they didn’t know there were tickets bought for them does make a difference.

Original poster
Madwomanuptheroad29 · 21/12/2022 13:36

I do not think the issue is jealousy or even the money. Given that there was no process for the girls to understand what was happening (knowledge of the existence of tickets, anticipation of draw etc) has caused this situation.

They are getting on genuinely well mostb of the time and it never has been an issue if one got something one day and the other got something different at a different time. And they do not keep tabs on who gets what.
For example the older one gets far more pocket money but has to buy quite a lot of things out of that while the younger one still gets significantly less but can spend it on whatever she wants.
This should simply never have happened and as it can't be undone I want my DH to take ownership and resolve it.

OP posts:
cocktailclub · 21/12/2022 13:53

It is real life though. Not everyone wins at raffles and not everyone shares
Id leave it

pelargoniums · 21/12/2022 14:11

Thing is, neither girl won – OP’s DH won as he paid for and entered the tickets and received the communication that he’d won £100, only after which did he tell the oldest it was her money. Scribbling their names on a ticket doesn’t really mean it’s “their” ticket – any more than if I buy my 3-year-old and newborn a scratch card each. DH chose to then distribute the winnings unfairly when he could just as easily have said “I won £100 – that’s £50 for each of you” or “I won £100 – that’s £25 for each of us in the family” or “I won £100, it’s all mine and I’m off to the pub”.

TwoRockSalmonAndAHaporthOfChips · 21/12/2022 14:34

pelargoniums · 21/12/2022 14:11

Thing is, neither girl won – OP’s DH won as he paid for and entered the tickets and received the communication that he’d won £100, only after which did he tell the oldest it was her money. Scribbling their names on a ticket doesn’t really mean it’s “their” ticket – any more than if I buy my 3-year-old and newborn a scratch card each. DH chose to then distribute the winnings unfairly when he could just as easily have said “I won £100 – that’s £50 for each of you” or “I won £100 – that’s £25 for each of us in the family” or “I won £100, it’s all mine and I’m off to the pub”.

Not least because at 12, the second child was too young to buy a ticket in a raffle, so putting her name on one was nonsense.

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