Page 14 | What’s the worst thing you’ve found out about someone after they’ve died?

Watisthis · 2022-12-16T20:03:30+00:00

Going through a big shocker at the minute. Has anyone ever had something massive come out after a loved one has passed away?

MrsThimbles · 19/12/2022 04:14

@alpenguin if you or any member of your family would like to know where your relative is buried there are websites available that show where the men who were shoot at dawn are buried. I’m not suggesting there are records for everyone but I think there’s a very good chance you’d find out where his grave is. You’d only need his name.

cammie · 19/12/2022 05:31

Dorisbonson · 17/12/2022 05:07

And for any horrid journalist looking for a story they don't have permission to use content from my posts.

😂 when you sign up to MM you give consent to your posts being widely used. Anywhere.

Zedcarz · 19/12/2022 05:35

Season0fTheWitch · 16/12/2022 20:46

My grandmother died and it was revealed that she had millions of pounds in a bank account. She'd received it as inheritance and put it all away, lived frugally and never told anyone. We grew up in poverty, my (single) mum worked 3 jobs to keep us fed and warm and GM never offered us help. It was very bittersweet but the money has been put to good use now

Wow. That's really sad. Glad the money is helping now.
I'm a single mum, disabled (and working) my family is minted, know about my struggles and never do anything to help.
due to historical family circumstances we arent geographically close, i often think its a case of out of sight out of mind but it still reallt hurts. Especially seeing how much they all rally round and support each other, plus a lot of paid help at home.

i understand how much of a shock it is to find out someone could have been more supportive and made a huge difference.

JustLyra · 19/12/2022 06:47

AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2022 01:41

I think it's just too bad that that knowledge was so upsetting to her that it changed the way she felt about him. I guess I can't see why the widow felt it was such a huge 'betrayal' that it 'undid' however many years of happy marriage they had. Did it make difference that he was adopted? It's not like he had a 2nd family or was a felon. I think my overriding feeling in that situation would have been one of sadness that he felt he had to conceal it, not anger that he had.

I'm adopted BTW, so maybe that gives me a different perspective on the situation.

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I think it’s understandable that any spouse finding out something pretty major about their partner that everyone else knew and they didn’t would feel rocked.

It would leave most people wondering both why and what else there could be.

ElizabethBest · 19/12/2022 06:56

@AcrossthePond55 she had no issue with the adoption aspect, just the lie. And nobody knew why he’d done it - the family had always been open about it.

LemonBounce · 19/12/2022 07:14

Is all this stuff about reporters a bit paranoid? How are they going to make three anonymous lines on a forum into a story? Don't understand

ReneBumsWombats · 19/12/2022 07:38

They do sometimes lift MN threads to make stories. But I really don't think that's what's going on here. They tend to do it for anything that stirs up class wars or misogyny (they love bridezilla and entitled woman/mother who thinks she's socially superior stories...a lot of those are probably planted). This kind of thing doesn't really fan the flames that they like.

Stewball01 · 19/12/2022 07:41

Nothing interesting.

Naddd · 19/12/2022 07:49

Yes!! It really is out of sight, out of mind!, I've even spoken to one family member about this who agreed with me, then just carry on as before!

Always good to see how much people actually care

AssumingDirectControl · 19/12/2022 07:49

AcrossthePond55 · 19/12/2022 01:41

I think it's just too bad that that knowledge was so upsetting to her that it changed the way she felt about him. I guess I can't see why the widow felt it was such a huge 'betrayal' that it 'undid' however many years of happy marriage they had. Did it make difference that he was adopted? It's not like he had a 2nd family or was a felon. I think my overriding feeling in that situation would have been one of sadness that he felt he had to conceal it, not anger that he had.

I'm adopted BTW, so maybe that gives me a different perspective on the situation.

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I would tend to think this, too. For him they were his parents. There are a number of reasons why he’d have left it at that.

Breehinny · 19/12/2022 07:50

wychiep00 · 19/12/2022 03:45

About my dad: a man died in a duel (saber) with my dad in med school in Austria back in the very early 40's. He then fathered twins in 1948 and left them behind when he came to the US in 1953. Paid child support until they were 18 but never met or spoke to them. I found out about both after his death and 18 years later I still can't wrap my mind completely around it. I've been able to meet my half-siblings on video calls and have a relationship of sorts with my half-sister, but the rest of my family refuses to acknowledge their existence. There's no denying it though: my half-sister looks very much like my Oma.

I’m very confused about the first part of your reply, what does a man dying in a duel have to do with your father? Did he leave Austria because he killed the man?

SoupDragon · 19/12/2022 07:57

LemonBounce · 19/12/2022 07:14

Is all this stuff about reporters a bit paranoid? How are they going to make three anonymous lines on a forum into a story? Don't understand

Are you new to MN? 😂

The tabloids lift stories from Mumsnet all the time! They don't even bother to re-write anything, just "copy and paste".

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/12/2022 08:01

marvellousmaple · 18/12/2022 21:21

Oh thank goodness it wasn't just me @Emotionalsupportviper . I was wondering it the poor rabbit was still alive after put in a box in the back of a wardrobe. I am a total dumbo sometimes.😂

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Some of us are too gentle and innocent for this wicked world @marvellousmaple . We really are. 😇😂

Dizzywizz · 19/12/2022 08:02

I find it amazing that people read people’s diaries after they’ve died - diaries are secret!! I will burn mine but what if I died suddenly?! Will have to consider whether to still keep them.

crimsonpeak · 19/12/2022 08:06

Picklewicklepickle · 18/12/2022 18:36

This has made me think that I have 2 half siblings and I haven’t told my children about them (they’re only little at the moment). The siblings are not part of my life and while I may see them in passing they’re not part of my life, I don’t consider them as brothers/sister (I already have those) and tbh they are a reminder of a really awful time in my childhood so I could see this being me.

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I also have older half-siblings. Estranged for many reasons - going on almost two decades now. I haven’t told my young children about them. If they ask whether I have siblings in the future I will tell them, but as we are not part of each other’s lives I feel no need to burden them with any family confusion at this stage. The situation between us will never change (which I’m fine with).

AllOfUsTogether · 19/12/2022 08:07

TheFormidableMrsC · 18/12/2022 23:40

Oh God and another, I found this out recently. I was brought up Catholic by my Irish Catholic Dad and London born Protestant Mum. I recently discovered that my Mum was in fact Jewish. My maternal Grandparents were anxious to avoid anti-semitism during the war and living in East London and just decided to be Protestant.

I was so shocked at this that I have started to grow my family tree on Ancestry and it's been eye opening. It's sort of made me question my identity. I've been a Catholic for all my 53 years although long lapsed, but actually I am Jewish from my mother's side. It's been an odd discovery!

That is simialr to the story of my paternal grandmother. My father was brought up Catholic. When his mother was ill in her 50s she brought her adult children together and told them this sort of story. Her family were Russian/Ukrainian and had fled the pogroms- consequently most of them being in England, Sotuh Africa and Australia when the Holocaust happened. But not all.

My grandmother told her children she wanted a rabbi when she died.

20 years later she indeed had a rabbi. Within those 20 years all the adult children learned more about Judaism and for a while we straddled their Catholic faith and Judaism. Now my father and an aunt are very active in their synagogue. My mother converted to Judaism and 're-married' my father at a Jewish ceremony (I and my sister were present with our own - Christian- husbands) and we are bringing up our children dual heritage. This fearful secret has become a source of great joy, and enrichment. But it was no means uncommon for people to hide their jewishness, even now. I will never ever say i am jewish on the census for example and very few of my friends know. We are still too fearful.

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/12/2022 08:07

Damnloginpopup · 18/12/2022 20:08

Yes. This 100%. I've worked with enough of these cunts over the years.

Constantly grooming everybody. Totally likeable, totally trustworthy, model citizens and perfect resudents...If it wasn't for knowing what is in their file. There is no rehabilitation and definitely no guilt.

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And that's how they get away with it.

Even when a child tells someone, they're told "Don't be silly! X wouldn't do that" , or "You must NOT say things like that! Where have you got that filth from?" - or worse than being told they're silly, they're called liars and punished for revealing the truth.

And all the sympathy goes to the vile, sadistic abuser who has groomed, threatened and blackmailed the child for their own perverted purposes. Everyone shuns the child and rushes to protect the abuser - I mean, he's such a lovely man . . .

Emotionalsupportviper · 19/12/2022 08:23

AllOfUsTogether · 19/12/2022 08:07

That is simialr to the story of my paternal grandmother. My father was brought up Catholic. When his mother was ill in her 50s she brought her adult children together and told them this sort of story. Her family were Russian/Ukrainian and had fled the pogroms- consequently most of them being in England, Sotuh Africa and Australia when the Holocaust happened. But not all.

My grandmother told her children she wanted a rabbi when she died.

20 years later she indeed had a rabbi. Within those 20 years all the adult children learned more about Judaism and for a while we straddled their Catholic faith and Judaism. Now my father and an aunt are very active in their synagogue. My mother converted to Judaism and 're-married' my father at a Jewish ceremony (I and my sister were present with our own - Christian- husbands) and we are bringing up our children dual heritage. This fearful secret has become a source of great joy, and enrichment. But it was no means uncommon for people to hide their jewishness, even now. I will never ever say i am jewish on the census for example and very few of my friends know. We are still too fearful.

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These stories are so touching - but how very sad (though unsurprising in many ways) that you are afraid to be open about your Jewishness.

I'm a practising Christian, and a licensed lay minister, but sometimes (only semi-jokingly), refer to myself as a "Messianic" Jew (apologies to any Jewish people who find this offensive - it truly isn't intended to be).

Jesus was Jewish. He said he didn't come to abolish the Law (the Torah) but to persuade people to live it properly. His every breath and every action was born from the Jewish faith, and whenever I preach I put him, his words and his teachings into context as much as I can.

I was born and brought up in Sunderland - a place which I believe at one time had the largest population of Jews outside of Israel, and I have many Jewish friends and learned a lot about their faith and developed, and still have, a huge respect for Judaism. At its foundation it is about God, family, caring for all other people, and respect for all creation. None of us can argue with that.

It can be summed up in the words of Rabbi Hillel: "That which is is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn."

Unfortunately, people are people and we all drift away from the true basis of our faiths. (And that definitely includes Christians, too).

Alcemeg · 19/12/2022 08:41

Verbena17 · 17/12/2022 09:37

Ohhhhh - i assumed she’d also boxed up her dead pet rabbit and put it at the back of the wardrobe to decay. 😬

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I thought it was still alive and kicking. I was worried about how often it got fed, and how unhappy it was shut in a box without daylight.

blobby10 · 19/12/2022 08:47

If its been properly embossed with a hand operated machine and heat then the gold foil will have been indented into the letter and will therefore be in the leather forever. You cant just scratch off the foil as the leather has been marked already. If the foil is just a stuck on letter then maybe you could scratch it off.

TurquoiseDreamCatcher · 19/12/2022 08:49

HashtagShitShop · 18/12/2022 18:54

My dad's grandad was a drinker and abused his wife and kids and put everything else before them. He did sod all and several times they were found in complete poverty with him peeing what little bit of money (including wages his young children brought in to pay bills because he wasn't) up the wall.

He was one of the first people prosecuted in court by the NSPCC way back when and was locked up for his crime when the landlady (who wasn't getting paid either) called them and the police in because of it all.

When he was released he still treated his family like dirt. His wife (My dad's gran) was a lot younger than him (seems that he got her pregnant then 'had' to marry her) and became ill through the abuse to the point she was practically paralized. He then abandoned all the children and his wife and they had to go into the workhouse where she died not long after. The elder ones were able to get jobs at sea to prove that they could look after the younger ones with wages. Sadly before they could come back with enough money to be allowed to take the younger children out -t he two youngest boys had been sent over to Australia never to be seen again.

We knew nothing of this until about 2 years ago. (happened early 1900s)

It's such a sad story. Have you ever heard of the "Lost children?" Many children were sent to Australia, Canada and America after being taken in by the authorities to take care of them. The government had to apologise a few years ago. There is lots of information about it, you may know this already though.

ThanksItHasPockets · 19/12/2022 08:59

I'm a practising Christian, and a licensed lay minister, but sometimes (only semi-jokingly), refer to myself as a "Messianic" Jew (apologies to any Jewish people who find this offensive - it truly isn't intended to be).

I am honestly pretty shocked that you know how offensive this is and still do it. You enjoy the freedom to practise your religion without fear of persecution. Meanwhile in the UK, in 2022, Jewish communities have to lay on security during every worship and I have friends who won’t send their children to Hebrew schools because of the very real security concerns.

HashtagShitShop · 19/12/2022 09:35

TurquoiseDreamCatcher · 19/12/2022 08:49

It's such a sad story. Have you ever heard of the "Lost children?" Many children were sent to Australia, Canada and America after being taken in by the authorities to take care of them. The government had to apologise a few years ago. There is lots of information about it, you may know this already though.

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Thank you very much for that. I hadn't heard of that but I will look into it. I'd love to see if it would be possible to make contact. My dad himself never knew his dad as he was born 6 months after he was killed in the 2nd World War. There was only ever one picture of his dad (until extended family found through ancestry.com gave us one 2 years ago that was on his body when he died (as part of his Id). My dad was his absolute double. Like you could think they were the same person

Dogsinthecradle · 19/12/2022 10:05

My grandparents on my mothers side where narcissistic and evil people-they had 4 dds-my mother,then my aunts

we knew they didn’t give a toss about us and played favourites between us and our cousins

my parents didn’t seem to notice and allowed them to treat us like shit just to keep the peace

anyway,they both died

it came to light that my grandmother was bi-sexual (which now,nobody would bat an eyelid-but then was taboo)

They had an open marriage,both slept with other people of both sexes-and I know money changed hands a few times

my mother was dumped into a mental hospital (with all the treatments at the time-I’m 99% sure there was sexual abuse in that home) so grandmother could take in a female ‘lodger’ who they ‘shared baths with’

my grandmother had another dd-before she had my mother-who she was forced to give up for adoption as the baby was born out of wedlock

my aunt isn’t my grandfathers child-my mother and other aunts are blonde with blue eyes but aunt is dark haired with brown eyes and so different in other ways to her sisters

i always wondered why my parents got married so fast and so young-it wasn’t a shotgun wedding-it took them 7 years to have me-it turned out that my grandparents had planned to pimp her out as soon as she turned 18-she got married to get out at 17,none of the family bothered to show up on their wedding day

her sisters all married young so they could get out before the same happened to them-all 3 are now divorced and one has been married 5 times (my parents are still together)

they where still swinging well into their 70’s

it was a bit of a shock to find all this out at the time

my ex found out about an unsolved murder,years ago in our home town

two ladies who worked on the streets where killed,their bodies stuffed into a barrel and dumped in the local river

it was an open secret in his family what it was his grandfather who’d killed them-he ‘did the deed’ with them both and for some reason he thought his wife would find out and murdered them to shut them up

his wife found out and kept quiet about his involvement but once he was dead,it came out one night when she got pissed one Christmas

she died-and their adult dd told me

i did read up on the case and I did go to the police but they didn’t want to know as it was too long ago

Retired65 · 19/12/2022 11:11

I wouldn't call it the worst thing ever. My mum told my sister and I when I was about ten that she had be married before and had had a baby who died. She said her first husband had been a pilot in the RAF and we had the impression he was from Canada. .Not sure how we got that idea. She said he had gone missing on a flying mission during the second world war. I am interested in Family History and asked my mum to tell me about her past but she wouldn't and told my sister I was upsetting her by asking. After she died, I set about tracing this marriage. I found there was no marriage but I did find the birth and death of the baby. The father was on the birth certificate and he was in the RAF but not a pilot. The baby was born in 1947. Eventually I found out that the father was from Jamaica. He never married my mum although my mother pretended she was married and adopted his surname.

Researching my parents marriage, I found they were married the year I was born not the year after, as we were told when we were growing up. My mum gave her maiden name as being her adopted one, on her marriage certificate and on both my sister's and mine full birth certificate. My sister found it all very upsetting.