Anyone else feel unsettled after visiting someone with seemingly perfect life

[Eastie77Returns]

I went to visit a friend today. She was more of an acquaintance to begin with, friend of a friend, but we’ve become closer since she moved near to me.

Her DC are the same age as mine and like me she works FT. Her house is immaculate. It wasn’t like that because I was visiting. I’ve dropped by before (unplanned) and it’s always like that. She is always well turned out, never a hair of place. She appears to have a life without any problems whatsoever. I know that can’t be true but it’s the impression I get. She describes her husband as perfect. He was in the house and gave her a hug when she said that so added to the whole domestic bliss. The children never present any issues.

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐.

I came home feeling really unsettled. She has messaged asking for us all to get together for Xmas drinks with the DC and I don’t want to go because…I don’t know. I don’t think I’m envious as I definitely don’t want her life and the smugness is annoying but it’s not that either, I just find her really unsettling and can’t rationalise it!

The food bank comment would really annoy me.

Yeah it’s quite odd! There are always issues with her kids so it’s odd/sad she isn’t being open. Or she has no idea as never sees them. Ever.

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐.

These aren't the words of a person with a perfect life/person. They are very revealing.

I wouldn't particularly want to go either OP - experience would be telling me keep this emerging friendship at acquaintance level and not get too close.

Yea she definitely sounds like Amanda from
Motherland and like she is trying too hard to create the illusion of a perfect life.

More recently some of the couples I have always thought to be the happiest have split up, those with seemingly perfect loving extremely sociable extended families have massive cracks in relationships and all is definitely not what it first seemed and some who seemed rich beyond belief and I wondered how they afforded everything have been living up to their necks in credit and have many issues hidden beneath the facade which has come tumbling down big style.

She sounds high maintenance keep her as an acquaintance rather than a friend.

The only friend of mine who described her DH as perfect (and they were always all over each other when we were out) found out he had been seeing someone else for two years. All is not always as it seems.

She doesn't sound particularly nice! What a weird response to the food bank thing, I've never come across anyone who spoke that way.

Whatever is behind it, I'm not surprised you feel unsettled. Surround yourself with good people who lift you up OP. It's taken me nearly 40 years to learn this.

And keep going with the food bank, sounds great. 🙂

Was reading something that said it's being honest about our struggles and failings that binds us together. Letting down our guard and letting others see the real person is how good friendships are formed. Scratch under the surface here with this woman and l suspect all is not as it seems but you will feel far more comfortable with friends who show their real self.
Your dc are learning a lot by seeing you volunteer at a food back and that's more constructive than a perfect house.

I would feel unsettled too. Making a big announcement about how she could never volunteer with people having hard times? She pities others' kids? The performative hug and lavish praise of husband, for your benefit?

Who knows what's up with her but no, that would all be very off-putting to me.

She sounds strange.

She's not perfect, she sounds like an insufferable asshole.

Sorry but I can’t reimagine an adult actually saying those things. Did she actually say that or did you embellish? Just can’t imagine anyone I j have ever met being crass enough to speak like that.

Run for the hills - the food bank comment is disgraceful. She wants to get herself down to one and help out to get a dose of realism.

Having been very lazy and then got much more disciplined and hard working, I would say there definitely is pleasure to be got from having beautiful things, looking good and maintaining control- it makes you feel in top of your life and in control. There is also pleasure in being lovely to your loved ones and making them feel good. So I can see why you felt everything was perfect.

But not relating to people starving??? Not wanting to spoil her perfect bubble? What’s she going to do when inevitably a cloud appears on her horizon? How will she cope? She sounds like a bit of a snob tbh.

I would suspect she has carefully cultivated this life because she has a massive fear of being out of control. Maybe she grew up in a chaotic or abusive household?

I have been wondering this lately as I have a friend like this. Her house is absolutely immaculate and doesn't need a thing doing to it, she is always perfectly dressed and made up, her and her family are always doing amazing stuff, her children seem perfect and their sporting achievements are posted everywhere, she just seems to be smashing life. It's not that I feel envious. It makes me feel like I'm failing, despite doing my best. I can't keep on top of the house right now, it feels messy, dirty and cluttered - there are so many odd jobs to be done too, I'll try my hand at most things but these are things I just can't do. As for my appearance 🤣 I rarely do my hair as it's curly and I haven't got the time or inclination, make up is probably 3 years old, skin routine gone, dress... hmmm joggers and a thick fleece nearly every day at the moment. So yeah it seems to highlight to me all the things I'm not doing or failing at. But I certainly won't stop being friends with her, I just try not to get too involved.

Unfortunately she will also be passing this message along to her kids.

yes I have a couple of relatives who are like this. They want 'fans' not friends. I wouldn't get too involved.

Do you think it’s her shallowness that makes you feel uncomfortable? I couldn’t connect with some like this either.

Whether she genuinely does feel her life is perfect it’s the one dimensional aspect of her nature that I would struggle with.

My best friend could come across like this to people who don't know her well though she'd never make the food bank comment. Her house is stunning, her children are talented, she has a good job, is beautiful and her husband is helpful, thoughtful and very much in love with her.

She is very discrete about what she shares with people unless she knows them well. Under the surface she's as messed up and messy as the rest of us. Her children aren't perfect, her husband irritates the hell out of her and her spare room is a teetering mass of crap and clutter. She's just good at curating what people see of her.

Yep. A female relative of DH's. Perfect life works PT in a hobby job and has lots of friends and family nearby, beautiful and stylish with gorgeous clothes and model slim even in her late 50s, perfect marriage to a gorgeous, funny and high earning man, perfect house like a show home but quirky and individual, adult kids in good jobs and happily married themselves.

Too right I am fucking envious.She's lovely and funny herself as well. Bitch.

If she’s trying to convince you of her perfect life you can guarantee not all is so perfect.

YANBU. They sound far too demonstrative and the comment about not being able to see others' relative discomfort is problematic. I would also give them a wide berth.

Now, this. This I am jealous of 😂

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐

I don't think i could be friends with someone with those 'values'.

She sounds like a snob and bitch and no amount nice clothes / clean house doesn't make up for that.

I don't know why I am commenting really because all my thoughts are encompassed in pps, but I am quite unsettled myself at her comment that she couldn't work in a food bank because she doesn't want to see people with less wonderful lives.

I worked in homelessness and in my experience people who don't want to see the reality of how some parts of society live is not particularly unusual, but I think that generally is caused by either a don't see it - don't think about it attitude or if they do think about it it causes anxiety or stress or feeling overwhelmed by how much work there is to do (feelings I can absolutely identify with!). To place it in the "not have as wonderful a life as I do", it's just missing the point? When you step into that food bank, when you step into that homeless unit.... It's not about you - that is the point surely.

I have appreciated what I have more due to things I have seen, but I still know the people I have worked with have WHO they are, they still have alliances and friendships. They need more and they need a lot of support but I don't work with them so I can pity their life. That's what unsettles me - I just realised. She thinks people who work in these areas do so despite feeling superior, and she thinks that by not being able to do it - she is in some way more empathetic.

It sounds too try hard to me. I'd say it's potentially like a house of cards. If any element of the perfection slips (or image of perfection) then the whole lot may cone tumbling down like a house of cards.

No one's life is perfect. It just doesn't go like that. Bad things happen to everyone at some point, and the joy to a successful life, is the resilience to deal with it. She sounds like she has no resilience which I would say is a worry.

She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does.

😆😳

Her life does seem perfect right enough apart from the personality probs.