Page 6 | Anyone else feel unsettled after visiting someone with seemingly perfect life

Eastie77Returns · 2022-12-16T19:35:59+00:00

I went to visit a friend today. She was more of an acquaintance to begin with, friend of a friend, but we’ve become closer since she moved near to me. Her DC are the same age as mine and like me she works FT. Her house is immaculate. It wasn’t like that because I was visiting. I’ve dropped by before (unplanned) and it’s always like that. She is always well turned out, never a hair of place. She appears to have a life without any problems whatsoever. I know that can’t be true but it’s the impression I get. She describes her husband as perfect. He was in the house and gave her a hug when she said that so added to the whole domestic bliss. The children never present any issues. When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐. I came home feeling really unsettled. She has messaged asking for us all to get together for Xmas drinks with the DC and I don’t want to go because…I don’t know. I don’t think I’m envious as I definitely don’t want her life and the smugness is annoying but it’s not that either, I just find her really unsettling and can’t rationalise it!

SockGoddess · 17/12/2022 12:18

Actually talking about how perfect everything is and mentioning that your husband is perfect in front of him, and saying you can’t cope with other people who don’t have a wonderful life like yours, all seems like protesting too much. Surely no one who was genuinely happy and thrilled with their life would say that stuff - they’d just be enjoying it and perhaps trying to pass on some of their wealth where they could.

I admit I’m jealous of people who have more space and free time and nice gardens and supportive extended families - things I would love to have. But I wouldn’t want to be someone with a “perfect” life who goes on about how perfect it is. That’s odd and would give me an uneasy feeling too.

Bonbon21 · 17/12/2022 12:46

This lady and her life sounds utterly fake and hollow.
All normal people have likes and dislikes.... and a cupboard you dont open in public!!

lynthesearesexpeople · 17/12/2022 13:26

I knew someone like her once. I’d known her from childhood - she did actually have a charmed life, she wasn’t hiding anything. There was nothing going on in the background, we’d been friends for a long time. She’d had a wonderful upbringing with two very rich but very loving and attentive parents - she’d never known a second of misery.

She used to make the same comments re children and love, seeing poor people made her weep blah blah blah.

Anyway, about 3 years ago, we were finally priced out of renting in the SE. So we moved across the country to a place where we can afford to buy. It’s not a nice place by anyone’s standards, but we were fed up with landlords and london prices and wanted security.

She insisted on visiting us when lockdown was eased up.

From the increasingly high pitched phone calls on the way here “the sat nav is telling me in 5 mins away - it can’t be, it’s like fucking Beirut out the window!” (Nice!), I knew it wouldn’t be a good visit.

She cried when she saw our street (“the houses opposite - are they council?”), we took the children to the park and she visibly winced at the locals, kept pulling her children close and marvelling at how I could understand the accents as it sounded like a foreign language.

Before I could tell her to go and fuck herself, she decided that she didn’t feel safe with her car parked on our drive and hightailed it the 2 and a half hours home to “civilisation” as she saw it.

She then sent me a message saying she was blocking me as my new life made her sad and she couldn’t deal with it.

Cow.

So sometimes, that’s how these perfect people who foodbanks make sad actually think.

lovelypidgeon · 17/12/2022 13:58

I had a similar feeling about an acquaintance. She and her DH were very religious and both made a big thing about how much they loved each other and their DC and how their commitment to God made their family strong. Obviously great that they love their family and I think most of us do, but it always felt odd that they commented on it so often. She was involved in church fundraising etc for a women's shelter but often made comments along the lines that if the women staying there had chosen a more Godly partner their plight could have been avoided. At the time I wondered if my feelings about her were just down to her seeing religion as the answer to everything when I don't share this view. However, a few years later I heard that her perfect DH had another family at the other end of the country (he 'worked away' a lot). Which made me wonder if perhaps she had an suspicion that everything was not perfect and the unsettling feeling was me picking up this.

fifteenohfour · 17/12/2022 14:01

@WowIlikereallyhateyou

That is the best statement I've read "comparison is the thief of joy" it truly is for me. I get stuck in a cycle of hating the world because I just never seem to get on top of things and be equal to others. I'm going to make that my mantra.

Needarest22 · 17/12/2022 14:32

Snobs the lot of them.

Amiterrible · 17/12/2022 14:41

Sounds like to me the person seems very fake

NewToWoo · 17/12/2022 14:48

lynthesearesexpeople · 17/12/2022 13:26

I knew someone like her once. I’d known her from childhood - she did actually have a charmed life, she wasn’t hiding anything. There was nothing going on in the background, we’d been friends for a long time. She’d had a wonderful upbringing with two very rich but very loving and attentive parents - she’d never known a second of misery.

She used to make the same comments re children and love, seeing poor people made her weep blah blah blah.

Anyway, about 3 years ago, we were finally priced out of renting in the SE. So we moved across the country to a place where we can afford to buy. It’s not a nice place by anyone’s standards, but we were fed up with landlords and london prices and wanted security.

She insisted on visiting us when lockdown was eased up.

From the increasingly high pitched phone calls on the way here “the sat nav is telling me in 5 mins away - it can’t be, it’s like fucking Beirut out the window!” (Nice!), I knew it wouldn’t be a good visit.

She cried when she saw our street (“the houses opposite - are they council?”), we took the children to the park and she visibly winced at the locals, kept pulling her children close and marvelling at how I could understand the accents as it sounded like a foreign language.

Before I could tell her to go and fuck herself, she decided that she didn’t feel safe with her car parked on our drive and hightailed it the 2 and a half hours home to “civilisation” as she saw it.

She then sent me a message saying she was blocking me as my new life made her sad and she couldn’t deal with it.

Cow.

So sometimes, that’s how these perfect people who foodbanks make sad actually think.

Wow. She sounds revolting.

Have you seen

glasshole · 17/12/2022 14:50

I knew a family like this. Mum dad and 5 kids. He was a civil servant and she stayed at home. The 5 bed detached house was always immaculate, the kids turned out beautifully in freshly ironed designer clothes. I lived on the same road as them and when one of the younger kids got sick everything started to rip at the seams. Her house was immaculate because if it wasn't she would be punished and so would the kids. The kids were so well turned out that they would burst out crying if caught in the cross fire of a typical kids water fight or rough play. Because the dad would hit them if they got dirty/wet.

After 6 months of the kiddo being I'll the entire family unraveled and the dad had a breakdown and had to be sectioned. He has addiction issues. The mum was a shell of herself without the dad to " keep her in line " and the house quickly became the exact opposite of immaculate and was repossessed within a year. Very sad.

I'll take my poorly organised chaos and Comfy pjs and crocs thanks. I love that my house is filled with laughter and is perfect for me. So it Durante matter if nobody else likes it or "aspires" To it. It's MINE.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 17/12/2022 14:55

lynthesearesexpeople · 17/12/2022 13:26

I knew someone like her once. I’d known her from childhood - she did actually have a charmed life, she wasn’t hiding anything. There was nothing going on in the background, we’d been friends for a long time. She’d had a wonderful upbringing with two very rich but very loving and attentive parents - she’d never known a second of misery.

She used to make the same comments re children and love, seeing poor people made her weep blah blah blah.

Anyway, about 3 years ago, we were finally priced out of renting in the SE. So we moved across the country to a place where we can afford to buy. It’s not a nice place by anyone’s standards, but we were fed up with landlords and london prices and wanted security.

She insisted on visiting us when lockdown was eased up.

From the increasingly high pitched phone calls on the way here “the sat nav is telling me in 5 mins away - it can’t be, it’s like fucking Beirut out the window!” (Nice!), I knew it wouldn’t be a good visit.

She cried when she saw our street (“the houses opposite - are they council?”), we took the children to the park and she visibly winced at the locals, kept pulling her children close and marvelling at how I could understand the accents as it sounded like a foreign language.

Before I could tell her to go and fuck herself, she decided that she didn’t feel safe with her car parked on our drive and hightailed it the 2 and a half hours home to “civilisation” as she saw it.

She then sent me a message saying she was blocking me as my new life made her sad and she couldn’t deal with it.

Cow.

So sometimes, that’s how these perfect people who foodbanks make sad actually think.

Christ almighty. I read that open mouthed. All I can say is you are so much better without this toxic waste of space in your life.

OP posts:

UrricanesArdlyHeverAppen · 17/12/2022 14:56

Crikey, there’s some stuff going on under the surface there, I’m not surprised you felt unsettled. Everything sounds very tightly controlled. I wonder how she copes when things aren’t perfect or don’t go as planned. I’d suspect that all was not well in that household.

lynthesearesexpeople · 17/12/2022 15:02

NewToWoo · 17/12/2022 14:48

Wow. She sounds revolting.

Have you seen

Show quote history

Ha! Yes, i’s forgotten about that Catherine Tate character!

I was expecting it though, I didn’t want her to come but she kept insisting. Not that it’s much of a loss, her attitude was so vile.

lynthesearesexpeople · 17/12/2022 15:04

*I’d forgotten, even

Zodiacsigns · 17/12/2022 15:20

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 16/12/2022 19:55

By reading your post, I felt a bit uncomfortable. She is not a nice person. Can't volunteer because she feel sorry for unfortunate people? Most of kids aren't loved as her kids? She sounds like a horrible person, and not the kind of person I want to be friends with.

This. She didn't say "our kids", including you in that comment OP. She was saying she's better than everyone, better than you. She insulted you so nicely you didn't even see it, but your subconscious picked up on there being something "off".

On the "perfect life" thing, I project that image too. It's accidental. I just don't talk about the bad bits because I don't like to dwell on it and I treat friendship as a distraction from the daily grind.

TotteringByGenteely · 17/12/2022 15:25

Nobody has a perfect life, this person is putting on a charade that they like to display to the outside world, they might even believe some of fakeness themselves.

In my experience it's couples like this that end up divorcing as they've never been real.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/12/2022 15:32

The comment about her genius parenting is weird, and would indicate all isn’t entirely happy clappy.

Zodiacsigns · 17/12/2022 15:38

lynthesearesexpeople · 17/12/2022 13:26

I knew someone like her once. I’d known her from childhood - she did actually have a charmed life, she wasn’t hiding anything. There was nothing going on in the background, we’d been friends for a long time. She’d had a wonderful upbringing with two very rich but very loving and attentive parents - she’d never known a second of misery.

She used to make the same comments re children and love, seeing poor people made her weep blah blah blah.

Anyway, about 3 years ago, we were finally priced out of renting in the SE. So we moved across the country to a place where we can afford to buy. It’s not a nice place by anyone’s standards, but we were fed up with landlords and london prices and wanted security.

She insisted on visiting us when lockdown was eased up.

From the increasingly high pitched phone calls on the way here “the sat nav is telling me in 5 mins away - it can’t be, it’s like fucking Beirut out the window!” (Nice!), I knew it wouldn’t be a good visit.

She cried when she saw our street (“the houses opposite - are they council?”), we took the children to the park and she visibly winced at the locals, kept pulling her children close and marvelling at how I could understand the accents as it sounded like a foreign language.

Before I could tell her to go and fuck herself, she decided that she didn’t feel safe with her car parked on our drive and hightailed it the 2 and a half hours home to “civilisation” as she saw it.

She then sent me a message saying she was blocking me as my new life made her sad and she couldn’t deal with it.

Cow.

So sometimes, that’s how these perfect people who foodbanks make sad actually think.

This is one of the reasons why I don't talk about or show the difficult parts of my life. Lynthesearesexpeople 's ex-friend's reaction was particularly strong and very rude and I've luckily not experienced that, but I've definitely experienced the slow fade out or sudden disappearance of friends from my life if they know the ugly truth of it all. It's nothing more awful than a lot of other people's lives, but there's definitely a wish by so many to avoid any reality deemed unpleasant.

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 17/12/2022 15:42

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 16/12/2022 19:45

OP actually said she was unsettled rather than envious...

I can understand that. This bit in particular is very odd and far from 'perfect':

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐.

Show quote history

Comparison does not have to be envy based!

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 17/12/2022 16:54

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 17/12/2022 15:42

Comparison does not have to be envy based!

Show quote history

Well no, but the (much over-quoted on MN) line 'Comparison is the thief of joy' is about envy. It doesn't make sense otherwise.

toffeeapple77 · 17/12/2022 19:37

On mumsnet anyone with a messy home must be gloriously happy and homely. Anyone with a neat house is a stepford wife on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

SirMingeALot · 17/12/2022 20:25

Actually talking about how perfect everything is and mentioning that your husband is perfect in front of him, and saying you can’t cope with other people who don’t have a wonderful life like yours, all seems like protesting too much.

I agree, that's extremely odd.

Original poster

Eastie77Returns · 18/12/2022 10:59

toffeeapple77 · 17/12/2022 19:37

On mumsnet anyone with a messy home must be gloriously happy and homely. Anyone with a neat house is a stepford wife on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

I’m not sure that’s really the case. I’ve read threads where having a tidy and orderly house is definitely seen as a Good Thing and people who don’t tidy/clean regularly are criticised and told to ‘just get a cleaner’, or follow one of the cleaning gurus on Insta. There are quite a few decluttering challenge threads on here. I’ve been on one for a while.

OP posts:

toffeeapple77 · 18/12/2022 11:10

Ok I should have caveated a big disorderly home. It's a class cliche.
(The working class / ordinary home better be tidy or you're be accused of squalor.)