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Original poster

Anyone else feel unsettled after visiting someone with seemingly perfect life

148 replies

Eastie77Returns · 16/12/2022 19:35

I went to visit a friend today. She was more of an acquaintance to begin with, friend of a friend, but we’ve become closer since she moved near to me.

Her DC are the same age as mine and like me she works FT. Her house is immaculate. It wasn’t like that because I was visiting. I’ve dropped by before (unplanned) and it’s always like that. She is always well turned out, never a hair of place. She appears to have a life without any problems whatsoever. I know that can’t be true but it’s the impression I get. She describes her husband as perfect. He was in the house and gave her a hug when she said that so added to the whole domestic bliss. The children never present any issues.

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐.

I came home feeling really unsettled. She has messaged asking for us all to get together for Xmas drinks with the DC and I don’t want to go because…I don’t know. I don’t think I’m envious as I definitely don’t want her life and the smugness is annoying but it’s not that either, I just find her really unsettling and can’t rationalise it!

OP posts:
jtaeapa · 16/12/2022 21:00

She’s doing her best to give her kids a good life. I think maybe cut her a bit of slack? She’s obviously decided you are a suitable friend so perhaps you appear to have a perfect life to her. I’m not her btw Grin

Abcdefgh1234 · 16/12/2022 21:04

I have millionaires friends. Living in 5m detached house in central london.

but i never jealous or feeling unsettled. My family, my kids, my husband are perfect in my eyes. Dont compare yourself with others op. Its just gonna make you unhappy

thaegumathteth · 16/12/2022 21:06

Oh god I'd feel unsettled because she sounds smug and unhinged.

Zipps · 16/12/2022 21:06

I had a friend like this. It was all just too perfect. It's a mask. She ended up in tons of debt (trying to find a fantasy) had loads of affairs, followed by a breakdown and is now an alcoholic.

Beginninnngtolookalotlike · 16/12/2022 21:07

The only thing there that stood out for me is that bringing up children well is actually bloody hard work and maybe it doesn't leave much time for volunteering anywhere. But smug comments about any husband always make me feel icky. He's probably gay and she's pretending he's perfect for her. Demonstrative people like this are irritating.. unless she was nervous and trying but failing to make a good impression perhaps?

Zipps · 16/12/2022 21:07

Fund not find

EmmaAgain22 · 16/12/2022 21:10

Just to add

could the unsettledness be something else?

if you feel uncomfortable around someone, it might be something unrelated to what you saw, but just a gut feeling.

Rushingfool · 16/12/2022 21:14

The not helping at food banks because she couldn't bear it is the reason I wouldn't want to spend any more time with her. How insufferably selfish of her. Presumably she couldn't nurse a dying kitten then because it would be too upsetting for her? Sod the kitten - let it die alone as long as this woman doesn't have to be unsettled in any way.

No thank you very much - not a person I'd want in my life.

Octopus45 · 16/12/2022 21:26

I would give her a wide berth. There was a Mum like that at my Son's primary school. I remember her once posting a thread on facebook about how lucky her girls were to have such a fun Mum, all because she jumped off the diving board with them at their swimming lessons. She does things like posting letters she has written to them for their birthdays and thank you letters that she gets in her job at the end of term, she is a TA. Also lots of photos of date nights with her husband, the irony is they have an open marriage but I'm pretty sure its on her side only. She gives the impression that her husband is punching above his weight. And yes to the kids being used as accessories for her social media life, lots of photos of them doing almost nothing. On the plus side she made it clear very early on that she didn't want to be friends with me, obviously I didn't measure up. In short, avoid.

TabithaTittlemouse · 16/12/2022 21:31

Scratch the surface and ye will find.

If she makes you uncomfortable don’t go.

Backtoblack1 · 16/12/2022 21:32

Smug and sounds like a stepford wife! Doubt her life is as perfect as she says. Just wait this one out…

Lemonademoney · 16/12/2022 21:39

She sounds fun…. 😁

Thank goodness for people like you who DO go out of their comfort zone to help those less fortunate. I know which of the two of you I would have more time and respect for

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 16/12/2022 21:51

PixiePirate · 16/12/2022 19:44

i have encountered people like this before and I think perhaps there’s a perfectionism there that is related to anxiety and/or insecurity. They remind me of the types who post about how #blessed they are on social media.

I know exactly what you mean about not being sure about getting too involved with them. I sometimes think it’s because I never feel like I’m seeing the real person and without that I think the connection feels flimsy. And the ones that bang on about their perfect relationship often seem to end in a break up.

I think you’re right about feeling I’m not actually seeing the real person and therefore there is no real connection. I guess connection comes from sharing experiences and discussing struggles. I’m struggling to think of a time she has spoken about any kind of negative experience because all aspects of the life she describes to me are perfect.

OP posts:
makingarunforit · 16/12/2022 21:59

She sounds a bit vacuous to me.

I don't volunteer at a food bank but I like people who are interested in things outside their own life and ask questions. I also like my friends to be a bit imperfect, laugh at their failings and occasionally get pissed and be make a tit of themselves. I don't think I'd get on with her somehow.

Computersaysno123 · 16/12/2022 22:08

Tramma · 16/12/2022 19:50

Meh. I am in what I consider to be a very good marriage and I would never call my DH “perfect” because he isn’t. No such thing. I’d think he was joking if he described me as that too.

tidiness is a sign of an empty mind. Or something. Don’t worry about it.

I think my husband is perfect but I would never tell him that 😂

AreOttersJustWetCats · 16/12/2022 22:22

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers.

And you envy her? But she's a dick!

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 16/12/2022 22:28

I think usually, in friendships you bond over shared experiences

But your life is so different from her!

It also sounds a bit fake. Reminds me of Amanda from Motherland

Mezmer · 16/12/2022 22:34

I think this is normal OP. I get like it. It’s not really envy though. I don’t know what it is. As you say a bit unsettled is about right as it rocks your own world. You start to compare and any insecurities over any aspect of your life are brought to the surface.

Ijuststoodonlego · 16/12/2022 22:39

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/12/2022 19:49

She sounds a bit of an ass though!

I don't normally think "asshole" but your friend came across that way.

hiccup123 · 16/12/2022 22:44

I don't think great parents go about the world claiming they are great parents. And I don't think partners of perfect people (really?) go about the world saying their partners are perfect. I mean, my husband is quite great but he's also quite flawed.

Beware of boastful people; it's likely they are trying to make up for what they don't have.

mackthepony · 16/12/2022 23:37

She sounds awful

Sanctimonious or wha

ZeViteVitchofCwismas · 16/12/2022 23:58

Trying too hard.

To me "normal" is a life of flow, coming and going, busy ish....no time to keep the house 'immaculate", people living in the house not living for it.

No one but no one has a perfect life.
Anything could change at any moment.
We have to enjoy what we have right now

BeautifulWar · 16/12/2022 23:58

I'd think 1) what's she hiding? This 'perfect' life is like a mask and 2) there's a midlife crisis waiting to happen.

Phewthatwasclose · 17/12/2022 00:28

PondintheRain · 16/12/2022 20:52

I don’t understand why you view this person as perfect. She has a tidy house. She always looks tidy. She described her husband as ‘perfect’ and he hugged her. She has a job. She has unproblematic children. She’s too unimaginative or thoughtless to give any thought to people with less fortunate lives than hers.

She sounds more than a bit dim. And dull. Why are your standards for perfection so low?

This!

Quent · 17/12/2022 07:54

Hmmmm... with her actually saying out loud that her husband is sooo perfect and her kids are sooo loved, could the unsettled feeling be because she's interested in you not as a friend, but as an audience for her 'perfect' life?

She wants to show off her lovely house, husband, kids, etc and make sure you witness how lovely it all is like you're an Instagram follower or something.

Can see why you wouldn't be keen on a friendship built on that

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