Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Anyone else feel unsettled after visiting someone with seemingly perfect life

148 replies

Eastie77Returns · 16/12/2022 19:35

I went to visit a friend today. She was more of an acquaintance to begin with, friend of a friend, but we’ve become closer since she moved near to me.

Her DC are the same age as mine and like me she works FT. Her house is immaculate. It wasn’t like that because I was visiting. I’ve dropped by before (unplanned) and it’s always like that. She is always well turned out, never a hair of place. She appears to have a life without any problems whatsoever. I know that can’t be true but it’s the impression I get. She describes her husband as perfect. He was in the house and gave her a hug when she said that so added to the whole domestic bliss. The children never present any issues.

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐.

I came home feeling really unsettled. She has messaged asking for us all to get together for Xmas drinks with the DC and I don’t want to go because…I don’t know. I don’t think I’m envious as I definitely don’t want her life and the smugness is annoying but it’s not that either, I just find her really unsettling and can’t rationalise it!

OP posts:
WowIlikereallyhateyou · 16/12/2022 19:39

Comparison is the thief of joy - you really don’t know what is going on really in anyone’s life.

PixiePirate · 16/12/2022 19:44

i have encountered people like this before and I think perhaps there’s a perfectionism there that is related to anxiety and/or insecurity. They remind me of the types who post about how #blessed they are on social media.

I know exactly what you mean about not being sure about getting too involved with them. I sometimes think it’s because I never feel like I’m seeing the real person and without that I think the connection feels flimsy. And the ones that bang on about their perfect relationship often seem to end in a break up.

Glassofwhatever · 16/12/2022 19:44

Urgh, she sounds insufferably smug, think nothing more of it, clearly an image she tries very hard to cultivate

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 16/12/2022 19:45

WowIlikereallyhateyou · 16/12/2022 19:39

Comparison is the thief of joy - you really don’t know what is going on really in anyone’s life.

OP actually said she was unsettled rather than envious...

I can understand that. This bit in particular is very odd and far from 'perfect':

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐.

frozendaisy · 16/12/2022 19:46

There are a few points that jump out as completely fucking unhinged

In no particular order:
Not a hair out of place
You are perfect hug (oh my actual bejesus)
Few children are as cared for as hers......are they terrified of spilling juice on the couch though?

So see blanky refuses to see real life and lives in cloud cuckoo land bliss?

Bet they're swingers!

frozendaisy · 16/12/2022 19:48

When I met my youngsters best mates mum for the first time we had just unpacked the car from a muddy camping trip.

Yeah, piled high surfaces of utter dripping mud.

Still may as well see us at our finest!

NoelNoNoel · 16/12/2022 19:48

Firstly work out if the feeling you have is jealousy, if it genuinely isn’t then keep her as an acquaintance rather than a friend.

carefulcalculator · 16/12/2022 19:48

You don;t need to rationalise it! Anyone who says this She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does is an absolute muppet.

Just be vaguely busy, and avoid avoid avoid.

I knew a proper alpha mum at school, she made my toes curl up, I declined all her invitations because she gave me the creeps. Not rational, but definitely correct!

JennyForeigner · 16/12/2022 19:48

Sounds a bit Amanda from Motherland, pre-marriage breakdown...

TinyRebelStayPuft · 16/12/2022 19:49

Do you know what I felt envious until you saying she couldn't help at a food bank because its too upsetting for her.

Yes it's upsetting that some people can't afford food but you know what she could do with sucking it up and realising how lucky she is and that other people are not so fortunate.

I get very annoyed when people just can't seem to cope with real life.

My husband is on call this week for his LA job and last night spent time fixing an issue at a house where children couldn't seem to speak properly, the mother was the same, there was dog shit in the kitchen, clothes and mess strewn everywhere and the pervading smell of piss mixed in. I feel sorry for those children and hope money I donate or food I donate help families like this - it's generational. From the outside I have a perfect life but you can be damn sure it's not that perfect and I'm aware how lucky I am and I'm not so judgemental of other people.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/12/2022 19:49

She sounds a bit of an ass though!

Tramma · 16/12/2022 19:50

Meh. I am in what I consider to be a very good marriage and I would never call my DH “perfect” because he isn’t. No such thing. I’d think he was joking if he described me as that too.

tidiness is a sign of an empty mind. Or something. Don’t worry about it.

Ineedtosleep79 · 16/12/2022 19:51

That not wanting to volunteer at a food bank sounds key - sounds like she is too selfish to have anything but a perfect life. Definitely looks after her own interests. People who are selfish do tend to have good lives because they are always putting themselves first, taking care of number 1.

WandaWonder · 16/12/2022 19:52

I don't assume anything about someone's life just bit what I see or in some cases just what I hear

I am not speaking of the op but there seems some odd judgement about people no one knows anything about other than someone's thoughts in a post

SirenSays · 16/12/2022 19:52

When I was younger I started dating a "perfect woman" and admit I felt slightly envious of how easy things seemed to be for her. As I got to know her better it was clear she was actually deeply unhappy, she wanted surgery on every inch of her body, had a completely awful childhood and was nc with most of her family... Things are rarely ever as perfect as they seem.

Zedcarz · 16/12/2022 19:52

She sounds like the one on .motherland, seems perfect, like an ai until the mechanism glitches

bigbadbarry · 16/12/2022 19:53

I couldn’t be friends with anybody who said, out loud!, that they feel sorry for other children because they don’t have her as a mother. Seriously? She sounds unhinged.

Candlemas · 16/12/2022 19:53

All I'm seeing is Amanda tbh.

TootsAtOwls · 16/12/2022 19:54

If it makes you feel any better she does sound like a total dick

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 16/12/2022 19:55

By reading your post, I felt a bit uncomfortable. She is not a nice person. Can't volunteer because she feel sorry for unfortunate people? Most of kids aren't loved as her kids? She sounds like a horrible person, and not the kind of person I want to be friends with.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 16/12/2022 19:55

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐.

I think you’re probably picking up on her anxiety which is why you feel unsettled. She is obviously so unstable in herself that she can’t cope with exposure to anything bad because it might knock her, and the immaculate house suggests anxiety - it’s something external she can control perhaps in the absence of internal stability.

Bobbybobbins · 16/12/2022 19:56

She sounds a bit OTT. Someone I went to school with is like this - must be exhausting. She suffered from an awful eating disorder as a teen which seemed for her to be part of this.

Superfoodie123 · 16/12/2022 19:57

So weird. It's like you've described a friend of mine. I know exactly what you mean it's doesnt feel like jealousy but almost like she's not living in the real world and it's unsettling, very hard to relate to which makes it hard to be friends

Amboseli · 16/12/2022 19:57

I get what you mean. I feel uncomfortable around people like that, they live in another world to me.

Our house can be tidy or messy, but friends pop in at anytime and don't care and don't notice and vice versa.

We love our DCs but we're not perfect parents (who is?) And have made loads of mistakes, shouted at them etc etc and friends and I all talk about this.

She doesn't sound like your sort of person, especially the food bank comment. That would really put me off more than the immaculate house. I wouldn't have any more than a very shallow friendship with someone like that.

Squashpocket · 16/12/2022 19:57

I knew someone like this, perfect house, marriage, figure, hair, children etc.

But the flip side was that the dc were required to be perfect at all times, they were basically accessories in her magazine shoot life.