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Original poster

Anyone else feel unsettled after visiting someone with seemingly perfect life

148 replies

Eastie77Returns · 16/12/2022 19:35

I went to visit a friend today. She was more of an acquaintance to begin with, friend of a friend, but we’ve become closer since she moved near to me.

Her DC are the same age as mine and like me she works FT. Her house is immaculate. It wasn’t like that because I was visiting. I’ve dropped by before (unplanned) and it’s always like that. She is always well turned out, never a hair of place. She appears to have a life without any problems whatsoever. I know that can’t be true but it’s the impression I get. She describes her husband as perfect. He was in the house and gave her a hug when she said that so added to the whole domestic bliss. The children never present any issues.

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐.

I came home feeling really unsettled. She has messaged asking for us all to get together for Xmas drinks with the DC and I don’t want to go because…I don’t know. I don’t think I’m envious as I definitely don’t want her life and the smugness is annoying but it’s not that either, I just find her really unsettling and can’t rationalise it!

OP posts:
Fairy22 · 16/12/2022 19:58

Bet he shags sex workers or has a horrible kink

daisychain01 · 16/12/2022 19:58

When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers

did she really say that?

Clarabellawilliamson · 16/12/2022 20:01

I've met a couple of people like this, through work or NCT group. I never really click with them because I feel like they never let their guard down. I just don't believe them, and prefer to be around real people- warts and all!

Speedweed · 16/12/2022 20:02

OmG! You posted about me on MN? And you didn't mention the organic handcrafted canapes I made for your visit with biodynamically harvested produce from my allotment? Call yourself a friend?!

Just kidding...I did have a friend like this, and the friendship died a slow death because it felt like I was laying out my messy life for judgement whilst she'd just answer 'great' to every enquiry about her life. And to be fair, her life was great. I'd love to tell you it imploded spectacularly but no, she's still living in her huge house with her living husband, beautiful gifted children and I think she's been promoted twice.

She and I have nothing in common...!

latetothefisting · 16/12/2022 20:04

There are a few separate things here - firstly some parts of her 'perfectness' could be because she prioritises them over other things. e.g. for lots of people it makes them feel good to have a really tidy house all the time, and/or they actually enjoy cleaning. So she's not being a martyr or lucky to have a lovely house, she could be choosing to spend the time and effort making it that way because she likes it. In the same way other people prioritise cooking or going to the gym or reading extensively. So that could just be as simple as a difference in priorities.

Secondly her life might either not be as perfect as it seems on the surface or, even if it is, doesn't mean it has/will always be. How old are her kids? Lots of babies or young children who 'never present any issues' can go completely off the rails as teens/adults. Most people's lives go through peaks and troughs.

Finally, as pp said above, she seems like a bit of a dick, perhaps she's unnerving because she outwardly presents a 'perfect' facade but is actually very selfish and judgey, and you're feeling unnerved at the disconnection/contradiction.

nancydroo · 16/12/2022 20:09

I used to know someone like this turned out husband was a raging alcoholic who got lary (how do you spell lary it looks wrong!?) whenever anything was out of place and she was absolutely miserable and bitter. Just hid it well...to a point.

RaisinforBeing · 16/12/2022 20:15

I knew a lady just like this. A few years after I met her I discovered she was heavily medicated. Her husband had to take a week off work as she was threatening to kill herself. She had been taking medication for years but had stopped taking it as was pregnant and had a massive breakdown. I absolutely could not believe it. I thought she had a perfect, charmed life. Her hugely positive outlook was actually just from the medication.

VahineNuiWentHome · 16/12/2022 20:18

I think what I would find unsettling is the fact she so obviously tries extremely hard to reach an ideal that isn’t mine.

She never has a hair out of place, the house is immaculate. I would hate that. I want my children playing in the living room and toys all over (but tidied at the end if the day). I want clothes that are comfortable rather than looking perfect. I want to hear my dcs playing (and therefore sometimes squabbling). I want mud in the entrance after the dcs have come running back from playing outside. I want to hear music, friends. I want a home, not a show home.
And what you are describing is not what I want to achieve.

And the smugness!! 🤪🤪

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/12/2022 20:20

She’s very judgemental. That’s why you’re unsettled. You’re wondering what she’s judging you for and you don’t want to spend time together as families because she’s going to be using her judgy eyes on your kids and your relationship.

I don’t think it’s her house or what she looks like that’s pricking up your antennae, she’s just potentially a bit of a dick.

MyTabbyCats · 16/12/2022 20:20

Strange that she felt the need to say that about her husband in front of visitors. This is a facade. I knew a couple like it. He cheated several times, she’s now remarried.

Despairingof · 16/12/2022 20:20

She sounds smug at best , vile and superior at worse. Nothing is perfect- she’s lying

Strokethefurrywall · 16/12/2022 20:21

She sounds like a massive knob

VahineNuiWentHome · 16/12/2022 20:22

Besides her life just CANNOT be that perfect.
No kne has a perfect and a perfect husband. No one is perfect either.

She will have her struggles. Days when she falls out with her ‘perfect’ DH. A mother that is creating mayhem. Her DH might be made redundant and they will worry about money for their perfect house.
Thats LIFE, that’s what life is made off. Some great moments and some shitty ones. Fr all of us.

Keeping a facade won’t change that.

thekoalawhocouldnt · 16/12/2022 20:22

A friend once told me about a woman like this. Perfect life, perfect mum etc.

She (the perfect woman) turned up at my practice for therapy having a breakdown not long after that.

MushMonster · 16/12/2022 20:22

I do feel a bit self-critic when I visit someone with their shit together. It motivates me to get mine too.
But your friend sounds a bit weird about her perfect life and other parents not putting in enough effort. That is quite off putting.

BirmaBrite · 16/12/2022 20:26

She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does

Sounds very anxious, if I do X nothing bad will happen because I have loved and cared for my children better than everyone else most people. Betting those children are primary aged or very early secondary ?

userxx · 16/12/2022 20:31

She sounds a twat. A smug twat.

LindorDoubleChoc · 16/12/2022 20:31

"When I mentioned I volunteer at a food bank she said she couldn’t ever do that because it would break her heart to see people whose lives are not as wonderful as hers. She also said it’s so sad that most kids are not as loved and cared for as hers as few parents put in the effort she does😐."

I don't actually believe this part. I have friends who always look immaculate and their houses are immaculate. But they aren't smug braggards like this "friend" of yours. So there you go - she's not perfect, she's a superior twit. Don't envy her (if she even exists).

EmmaAgain22 · 16/12/2022 20:39

Hi Eastie

Most of my friends are/were like this (mostly vanished into their perfect lives without me now).

It is quite intimidating to host people like that. Some of them were in my building and you could bump into them getting post, they'd say "oh come and have a cuppa" and the place was looking perfect. My parents were naturally tidy, I grew up in a spotless house.

I don't know if it would put me off making friends now, I don't think so. But I definitely see why it's intimidating. I look a mess these days too, but it's a cba thing...but now, it takes me ages to look presentable for meetings etc.

Rinatinabina · 16/12/2022 20:46

Sounds highly strung to me. Some people really do enjoy being ordered, presentable etc and they will prioritise that in how they organise their lives. Nothing wrong with an immaculate house and looking well groomed (I’m messy and barely comb my hair). It’s the comments about others I would find uncomfortable.

GorgeousKitten · 16/12/2022 20:49

Things are not what they seem. OK she might be very organised, very clean and tidy or has money for help but it doesn't mean her life is perfect. People can overclean and fake or they can excel at certain areas but other things falling apart. You just don't know. I agree it's best to politely turn the drinks down. She's not your people for whatever reason but it's not cause she's perfect because I guarantee she isn't nobody is!

PondintheRain · 16/12/2022 20:52

I don’t understand why you view this person as perfect. She has a tidy house. She always looks tidy. She described her husband as ‘perfect’ and he hugged her. She has a job. She has unproblematic children. She’s too unimaginative or thoughtless to give any thought to people with less fortunate lives than hers.

She sounds more than a bit dim. And dull. Why are your standards for perfection so low?

gettingolderandgrumpier · 16/12/2022 20:52

The fact she tells her husband he is perfect in front of you 🤮cringe

walkinthewoodstoday · 16/12/2022 20:52

She won't help at a food bank because it would upset her- selfish! People don't do that to make themselves feel good.

shortsaint · 16/12/2022 20:57

I see this a bit differently.

She's not perfect. Neat yes, knows she's lucky, yes. Well behaved kids, yes. But also insecure that her bubble could be popped.

The food bank statement (good on you) just reveals what she doesn't want to face up to the fact that life isn't always perfect. It's her way of coping.

So she isn't perfect. Just protecting herself. (Yes, possibly selfish, but you have the moral high ground 😃)

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