Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Heating wars...anyone else?

113 replies

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:30

I'm at a loss here!
Partner and I rent together (have a child), not married. I work part time.
He is from a wealthy family.with savings of hundreds of thousands.
I just about pay the bills.

He pays the rent and I pay all the bills. The rent is higher but he earns substantially more. I've been telling him we need to be careful with heating due to the increased cost of living but he's delusional. He thinks if we have the heating on all day it'll be an extra £20 a month! The heating comes on at 6am for a few hours so the kids are warm getting up bit it's supposed to go off. He switched it back on. I switch it off and he puts it on. It's on from 6am-11pm and he said yesterday it's cold.in.the night so he wants it on all night (so basically 24hrs).

He says we can afford it as we are a 2 earning household but I work part time and have no savings and he has a high wage and lots of savings.

I've just looked online (I was putting it off) and my direct debit was short by £160 last month.
This month my gas and electric is going from £200 a month to £480!!

I can't afford it. I only work part time around our son (which he wants).
I'm so stressed.

OP posts:
Flurbegurb · 14/12/2022 11:31

Why aren't you paying into a joint account for all bills and then individual savings? This is nuts OP?

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/12/2022 11:32

Leave him.

You’re being financially abused.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 14/12/2022 11:33

If the joint costs have increased then his contribution needs to increase

You have a child together he is dictating your earning ability whilst limiting your saving ability by acting like a flatmate not a partner

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Cost of living General money
Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 14/12/2022 11:34

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 14/12/2022 11:32

Leave him.

You’re being financially abused.

Actually ignore my post, this is the correct response

Original poster
Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:35

Well we agreed he would pay rent and I the bills. In fairness it worked out ok and is affordable. It's just with the increased cost in gas and electric I'm struggling.
With the £500 energy bills, £300 council tax that is 90% of my wage. A part time nurse doesn't earn much!

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 14/12/2022 11:36

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:35

Well we agreed he would pay rent and I the bills. In fairness it worked out ok and is affordable. It's just with the increased cost in gas and electric I'm struggling.
With the £500 energy bills, £300 council tax that is 90% of my wage. A part time nurse doesn't earn much!

You need to change the agreement then, because the bills have gone up hugely and your income hasn’t.

Original poster
Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

OP posts:
RottingAutumnApples · 14/12/2022 11:37

So basically you subsidize your affluent partners living costs by paying a disproportionately higher amount of your joint living expenses?

As well as subsiding his child care and domestic chores by taking on most of these at the cost of your reduced earning potential?

if he’s not a total pisstsker you need to sit down, go through all your living costs and come to a fair shared way of paying for these. The very minimum is that you park pro rata, but then if he really is that more affluent, even that is not fair.

I note you say partner, not H. I suspect this is because he has been much more conscious to protect his financial interests, than you have yours

butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 11:38

Well, he's delusional about cost of living and clearly doesn't give much of a shit about your opinion. I wouldn't want to live like that.

RottingAutumnApples · 14/12/2022 11:39

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

He does understand that. He understands very well that the set up he has now suits him better.

He’s not old fashioned. He’s selfish.

butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 11:41

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

Just why would you shack up with a dude so clueless about life?

It'll not get better, OP. It never does get better.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 14/12/2022 11:41

Please don't call him old fashioned when he is being abusive OP. You are telling us what he does and then making excuses for it !

sorcerersapprentice · 14/12/2022 11:42

What if the rent we t up by 200%? I bet he'd be asking you for more money.
You need to have a very direct conversation with him.

GrazingSheep · 14/12/2022 11:43

can you leave him?

coodawoodashooda · 14/12/2022 11:44

butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 11:41

Just why would you shack up with a dude so clueless about life?

It'll not get better, OP. It never does get better.

Show quote history

And nasty.

AriettyHomily · 14/12/2022 11:45

I'd be leaving. What are you getting from this?

Fladdermus · 14/12/2022 11:45

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

He's not old fashioned, he's financially abusive. If he was old fashioned he'd be insisting on paying everything to provide for his family.

butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 11:45

coodawoodashooda · 14/12/2022 11:44

And nasty.

Show quote history

That, too.

Taxistaxing · 14/12/2022 11:46

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

I thought you said that you pay the bills??? So the only thing he would stop paying is the rent, making you all homeless...really?

femfemlicious · 14/12/2022 11:47

Tell him to pay the gas bill. It really isn't that hard. Have you even showed him the bill yet?. You may be better off working full time and using childcare. You need to maximise your earnings. You are talking into a hole without even realising it.

ILoveYouMoreTheEnd · 14/12/2022 11:48

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

He's not old fashioned saying he will stop paying the bills! He's abusive and controlling. Of course he understands, he's not daft he just doesn't acknowledge it. How long have you been together? Do you have any family support and friends around you? 💗

femfemlicious · 14/12/2022 11:48

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:35

Well we agreed he would pay rent and I the bills. In fairness it worked out ok and is affordable. It's just with the increased cost in gas and electric I'm struggling.
With the £500 energy bills, £300 council tax that is 90% of my wage. A part time nurse doesn't earn much!

Have you told him this and what did he respond?

JaninaDuszejko · 14/12/2022 11:52

If he really was old fashioned he'd have married you hefore you moved in together and had a child and he'd pay all the bills.

So, either insist on getting married and having a single pot of money or leave him and get him supporting you and your child properly.

BarbaraofSeville · 14/12/2022 11:52

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

He's a good old fashioned hypocrite that's what he is.

If he was properly 'old fashioned' you'd be married and he'd be paying all the rent and bills and your earnings would be 'pin money' for days out and other non essential bits and pieces.

He can't have it both ways. Either you do the majority of childcare, housework etc and he compensates by paying most of the joint expenses so you have a decent disposable income, or you work full time and share the cost of childcare and a cleaner.

Currently he's getting the childcare and domestic work he needs done for free, at your expense.

Why aren't you married btw, does he 'not believe in it'? Also, if his family is wealthy, why are you renting?

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 14/12/2022 11:53

He's not old fashioned

When people say old fashioned in this context they mean people like my nan who never had a job after the war, did all the housework and childcare and my granpa bought home the money

In actually fact my nan was lucky and this situation didn't exist for vast swathes of women/households but that's the rosy 'old fashioned better times' that some people like to hold onto

In reality he has you doing all the housework (and probably all the childcare) whilst he gets to keep large amounts of money to himself and can threaten you because he's keeping you in poverty.

That's not old fashioned that's abusive.

Men used to be able to get away with hitting their wives (I mean they still do really) and marital rape wasn't illegal. But that doesn't mean we write of domestic and sexual violence as charmingly old fashioned.

Abuse is abuse.