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Original poster

Heating wars...anyone else?

113 replies

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:30

I'm at a loss here!
Partner and I rent together (have a child), not married. I work part time.
He is from a wealthy family.with savings of hundreds of thousands.
I just about pay the bills.

He pays the rent and I pay all the bills. The rent is higher but he earns substantially more. I've been telling him we need to be careful with heating due to the increased cost of living but he's delusional. He thinks if we have the heating on all day it'll be an extra £20 a month! The heating comes on at 6am for a few hours so the kids are warm getting up bit it's supposed to go off. He switched it back on. I switch it off and he puts it on. It's on from 6am-11pm and he said yesterday it's cold.in.the night so he wants it on all night (so basically 24hrs).

He says we can afford it as we are a 2 earning household but I work part time and have no savings and he has a high wage and lots of savings.

I've just looked online (I was putting it off) and my direct debit was short by £160 last month.
This month my gas and electric is going from £200 a month to £480!!

I can't afford it. I only work part time around our son (which he wants).
I'm so stressed.

OP posts:
Parky04 · 14/12/2022 12:41

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 14/12/2022 12:19

So he cheats, he lies, he abuses you. You need to leave him

Agreed, but she wont.

IaminRome · 14/12/2022 12:46

FFS how many of these posts are there going to be? FAMILY MONEY. If you can't earn because you are looking after the kids, then the money he earns is your money too. As everyone else is saying - just put all your earnings into a pot and pay from that. When the kids are older things might be different and you can split them up again, but come on!
If he's not open minded to this, he's a selfish pratt and you can do better

fatnotfluffy · 14/12/2022 12:55

What does this absolute arsehole do to enhance your life? You would be better off without him. How dare he decide to spend your hard earned money on heating his entitled arse, and tell people you're unstable because you caught him cheating? I am so angry on your behalf. You don't deserve to live like this

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SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 14/12/2022 12:56

This old fashioned cunt has got you working as his nanny and skivvy and is charging you for the pleasure. Meanwhile your earnings have fallen and you have no secure home. He is having a lovely time with you as a housekeeper and bill payer whilst he feathers is single person nest.

NameChangeLifeChange · 14/12/2022 12:58

OP I'm sorry this sounds terrible. You need to leave and get some support- heating aside the whole relationship sounds dreadful.

FWIW for those pp who are saying why are you with him- I have lots of friends who are also nurses and there is weird hierarchy/thing with 'marrying up' and being with a doctor or surgeon. In some circles you'd be considered very lucky and surgeons often have terrible attitudes and think the world should fall at their feet (see your partner) and this bleeds into unhealthy relationships. I've seen friends who are treated as an inferior both at work in the doctor/nurse relationship (which is terrible in itself) and then at home as breadwinner/servant.

MardyMincepie · 14/12/2022 13:05

Serious research and not just internet musings has surgeons feature highly on lists of careers chosen by psychopaths. DH cousin is a surgeon and he really is an amazing self publicist.

Soothsayer1 · 14/12/2022 13:08

MardyMincepie · 14/12/2022 13:05

Serious research and not just internet musings has surgeons feature highly on lists of careers chosen by psychopaths. DH cousin is a surgeon and he really is an amazing self publicist.

I think it stands to reason... you have to be able to see people as just objects in order to cut into them, if you are paid a good amount of money and afforded a great deal of kudos and status for doing this it will further incentivise psychopathy /the ability to see people as objects

Soothsayer1 · 14/12/2022 13:11

I feel that OP is trapped in his spell

SnowlayRoundabout · 14/12/2022 13:14

If the relationship is a disaster, why is it continuing? I suggest you look now for a flat you can afford an aim to move out ASAP.

Adventadventures · 14/12/2022 13:16

This is mad. Just turn the heating off and tell him that you pay the heating bill so you get to dictate the heating schedule …..unless he wants to contribute then he can have it on extra. He was quick enough to dictate housework rules and terms with you in relation to bills
i can’t see the problem

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 14/12/2022 13:22

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

He's not old fashioned. He's abusive.

His refusal to get with the times, see what's right Infront of him and support you without leaving you in a financial rut is abusive.

You are dependent on him to survive, and he is taking actions to control what comes out of your bank account without your consent.

He is abusive.

MrsMontyD · 14/12/2022 13:33

You would be better off financially without him, with UC, maintenance payments, not having him to feed and control over household expenditure like heating.

I've been in a position where I was working and doing the vast majority of child care and household work and was left with very little for myself the end of the month, while my exH could afford a flash car and designer clothes and it's sole destroying.

You need to split household costs fairly based on income, including everything, children's clothes, Christmas, holidays, food everything. Not split the rent and bills and then you take on lots of other expenses that are the household and/or DC.

MrsMontyD · 14/12/2022 13:33

MrsMontyD · 14/12/2022 13:33

You would be better off financially without him, with UC, maintenance payments, not having him to feed and control over household expenditure like heating.

I've been in a position where I was working and doing the vast majority of child care and household work and was left with very little for myself the end of the month, while my exH could afford a flash car and designer clothes and it's sole destroying.

You need to split household costs fairly based on income, including everything, children's clothes, Christmas, holidays, food everything. Not split the rent and bills and then you take on lots of other expenses that are the household and/or DC.

Soul destroying.

CombatBarbie · 14/12/2022 13:35

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:13

He won't marry me because I'm mentally unstable.
I discovered his cheating and because I had an issue with it, he decided to tell people I'm mentally unstable.

And you are still with him because????

birdsandthewasps · 14/12/2022 13:37

He adds nothing of value to your relationship and he isn’t old fashioned he’s a twat

i would leave him before your dc is old enough to pick up on your toxic relationship

SnowyPheasants · 14/12/2022 13:40

He is from a wealthy family.with savings of hundreds of thousands.

A mumsnet classic, lol
Now what was it that attracted you to the millionaire paul daneils Grin ?

BuckarooBanzai · 14/12/2022 13:50

I think you would do well to do the freedom program and contact Women's Aid. I'm pretty sure you are with a bona fide abuser. He's not marrying you because he doesn't want you to have access to his financial assets. He's using the mental health thing in order to muddy the waters so he can discard you and still look like the good guy. I suspect he understands perfectly about the financial situation regarding energy costs. He doesn't care if you end up in debt over it. It will be in your name so it's not his problem. The financial control has 2 aspects one he's getting free heating and secondly it makes you more controllable. It's a win win for him. You need to leave or sharpen up considerably and start saving on the qt. You need to be able to support yourself and your child. If you do leave get those bills out of your name asap.

Original poster
Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 13:50

I have a daughter who is 12. Her dad pays maintainance and I never need my partner to provide nay money for her. Her dad is very involved. I don't have any family I can move in with.

OP posts:
femfemlicious · 14/12/2022 13:53

@Snowontheholly you are on the road to nowhere her. This man is never going to marry you so all you will be entitled to is child maintenance. He is already saying you are mentally unstable because you caught him cheating. This relationship is a no go. I'm guessing you are holding on because you already have at least 1 child that you are not with their dad?. I know it's hard but this guy is just dragging you down and making your life impossible.

liarliarshortsonfire · 14/12/2022 13:55

I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills

This is not how healthy, respectful and loving relationships should be.

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 14/12/2022 14:00

You are facing paying half of your salary on the heating bill.......HALF.........surely he should be able to see that simply isnt tenable. I thought Doctors were meant to be smart 🙄

He can have the heating on as much as he wants, when he is paying for it.

loveliesbleeding1 · 14/12/2022 14:05

Send the idiot back to his Father.

santasbushybeard · 14/12/2022 14:06

What a prick.

MrsMontyD · 14/12/2022 14:07

As an aside, his father didn't lose money in his divorce, he got divorced and their assets were divided in the divorce settlement. Let's not add to frequently used misogynistic divorce language that suggests all the assets are the man's and the woman takes them from him or is given them by him on divorce.

santasbushybeard · 14/12/2022 14:11

MrsMontyD · 14/12/2022 14:07

As an aside, his father didn't lose money in his divorce, he got divorced and their assets were divided in the divorce settlement. Let's not add to frequently used misogynistic divorce language that suggests all the assets are the man's and the woman takes them from him or is given them by him on divorce.

Ah yes, the old “my horrible ex wife stole all MY money” line that’s alway peddled.

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