Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Heating wars...anyone else?

113 replies

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:30

I'm at a loss here!
Partner and I rent together (have a child), not married. I work part time.
He is from a wealthy family.with savings of hundreds of thousands.
I just about pay the bills.

He pays the rent and I pay all the bills. The rent is higher but he earns substantially more. I've been telling him we need to be careful with heating due to the increased cost of living but he's delusional. He thinks if we have the heating on all day it'll be an extra £20 a month! The heating comes on at 6am for a few hours so the kids are warm getting up bit it's supposed to go off. He switched it back on. I switch it off and he puts it on. It's on from 6am-11pm and he said yesterday it's cold.in.the night so he wants it on all night (so basically 24hrs).

He says we can afford it as we are a 2 earning household but I work part time and have no savings and he has a high wage and lots of savings.

I've just looked online (I was putting it off) and my direct debit was short by £160 last month.
This month my gas and electric is going from £200 a month to £480!!

I can't afford it. I only work part time around our son (which he wants).
I'm so stressed.

OP posts:
MardyMincepie · 14/12/2022 11:54

What sort of job does he do? Can he hide pay or take it in dividends because if he can I almost guarantee any future plans will have him dodging child maintenance. I assume your older child or children ate not his? this is probably very much part of the matter he does not want to sub the child that is not his. He will always have to pay rent though.

jellybe · 14/12/2022 11:55

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

This only would make me leave him! Doing house work means he would stop paying rent?!?😱
Honestly, he sounds like an abusive prick. Abuse doesn't have to come in the form of black eyes and injuries.

Soothsayer1 · 14/12/2022 11:56

He's not your partner he's your master and you are his servant, the reason he's with you is because it's very easy to exploit you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Cost of living General money
Soothsayer1 · 14/12/2022 11:59

I actually find it very upsetting ...this man sees you as a disposable vessel to bear and care for his child ☹️

MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj · 14/12/2022 12:00

He's not 'old fashioned' he's a twat.

Pansypotter123 · 14/12/2022 12:01

I agree that there is financial abuse going on here.

Can you tell us more about your respective incomes?

You're a part time nurse. What does he earn, what is his job?

Is there a family business on his side?

Does he have financial support from his wealthy parents?

Are you able to treat yourself to nice clothes, coffee out etc? Days out with girl friends and do on?

What about clothes, presents, toys for your baby?

What is the rest of your relationship like?

MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj · 14/12/2022 12:02

I would frame it this way:

'DP, you go out and work FT and are left with * in the bank. I also work FT (PT as a nurse and PT as a SAHM) and am left with *. This is not equitable. I am either going to go back to work FT or we need to change this financial arrangement to reflect the increase in COL.'

MyAutocorrectWishesMeDeaj · 14/12/2022 12:03

Oh balls, sorry for bold. was inserting asterisks for figures.

DAMMIT MN GET AN EDIT BUTTON.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2022 12:06

He’s not ‘old-fashioned’.

He’s an arsehole.

An arsehole who has got you where he wants you - looking after the children and the house (and him) and paying more than your fair share of expenses.

Either leave him now and claim CM and all the benefits you’re entitled to, or stay and have a massive argument about sorting the finances that results in you having equal spending and saving powers. (He won’t change, and you’ll expend a lot of time and emotional energy trying to make it so, but I suppose you’d be able to say you’d tried once you do end up leaving him.)

BuckarooBanzai · 14/12/2022 12:08

My DP pays the gas and electric. I'm now helping him as it's risen so much. You can't expect one person to shoulder the burden unless they are loaded. I hate to say it to you but he does sound abusive. Ducks in a row as they say.

Whatdayisitalexa · 14/12/2022 12:08

JaninaDuszejko · 14/12/2022 11:52

If he really was old fashioned he'd have married you hefore you moved in together and had a child and he'd pay all the bills.

So, either insist on getting married and having a single pot of money or leave him and get him supporting you and your child properly.

Spot on. He's taking the piss , has been living under a rock or thick as 2 short planks. Him being wealthy doesn't seem to benefit OP or the family as a whole. It does sound like control or gaslighting behaviour

Original poster
Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:11

@Taxistaxing yes I do pay all the bills and he pays the rent.
So his comment was ridiculous. I said it was ridiculous. He thinks he's doing me a favour paying rent and that I'm costing him a lot of money. All because he could be living at his dad's house rent free (which he did before moving in with me).

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 14/12/2022 12:11

I wish there was some sort of Public Service Announcement for women about to become mothers, or who are cohabiting for the first time, that said in big red flashing letters

DO NOT AGREE TO PAY THE VARIABLE BILLS!

DO NOT AGREE TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ‘WHAT THE CHILDREN NEED’ or ‘THE FOOD SHOPPING’!

ONLY AGREE A FAIR AND FULL SPLIT OF THE WHOLE HOUSEHOLD COSTS ACCORDING TO EARNING POWER!

Women who split finances like this are always, always fucked over, in my experience.

C1N1C · 14/12/2022 12:12

The maths is easy... if you want to keep separate accounts (no issues there, my wife and I do!), then the monthly contribution has to be in a fair ratio.

Add up all expenses etc... mortgage/rent, food, bills, children, insurance etc etc

Say that comes to £1000 a month.

If he earns 75k and you earn 25k, he pays a 3:1 share of the monthly pot, e.g. 750 pounds to your 250.

You can't keep over-paying, exhausting your accounts while he's banking the excess... it's just not sustainable. That's the ultimatum you have to give.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2022 12:12

All because he could be living at his dad's house rent free (which he did before moving in with me).

Send him back. Claim child maintenance.

butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 12:13

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:11

@Taxistaxing yes I do pay all the bills and he pays the rent.
So his comment was ridiculous. I said it was ridiculous. He thinks he's doing me a favour paying rent and that I'm costing him a lot of money. All because he could be living at his dad's house rent free (which he did before moving in with me).

What a twat he sounds.

Consider what is best for you and your baby long-term.

Original poster
Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:13

He won't marry me because I'm mentally unstable.
I discovered his cheating and because I had an issue with it, he decided to tell people I'm mentally unstable.

OP posts:
Soothsayer1 · 14/12/2022 12:13

If he saw you as a partner he would want you to have the same standard of living as him to have the same comfort and luxury that he can afford, instead he is treating you like a lodger who also bore and cares for his child.
I think I would give him a chance to change and treat me decently but if he wasn't able to do this I would terminate the relationship

C1N1C · 14/12/2022 12:14

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:11

@Taxistaxing yes I do pay all the bills and he pays the rent.
So his comment was ridiculous. I said it was ridiculous. He thinks he's doing me a favour paying rent and that I'm costing him a lot of money. All because he could be living at his dad's house rent free (which he did before moving in with me).

Omg so he's making you feel guilty for moving in together?!

That's tantamount to saying he resents being in a relationship with you! What a dick!

butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 12:14

Listen, get the fuck out of there.

Aposterhasnoname · 14/12/2022 12:14

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

If he’s so bloody old fashioned why isn’t he paying all the bills. That’s how it used to work.

NoSquirrels · 14/12/2022 12:14

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:13

He won't marry me because I'm mentally unstable.
I discovered his cheating and because I had an issue with it, he decided to tell people I'm mentally unstable.

Oh why oh why are you with him?

Soothsayer1 · 14/12/2022 12:15

Ok he's just a disgusting amoral predator, probably best to not let him realise that you're onto him but make a plan to get rid and leave

Oakbeam · 14/12/2022 12:16

He's old fashioned.

In which case, he should be paying everything.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 14/12/2022 12:16

Oh this just gets better and better. OP Kick him out. Seriously