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Original poster

Heating wars...anyone else?

113 replies

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:30

I'm at a loss here!
Partner and I rent together (have a child), not married. I work part time.
He is from a wealthy family.with savings of hundreds of thousands.
I just about pay the bills.

He pays the rent and I pay all the bills. The rent is higher but he earns substantially more. I've been telling him we need to be careful with heating due to the increased cost of living but he's delusional. He thinks if we have the heating on all day it'll be an extra £20 a month! The heating comes on at 6am for a few hours so the kids are warm getting up bit it's supposed to go off. He switched it back on. I switch it off and he puts it on. It's on from 6am-11pm and he said yesterday it's cold.in.the night so he wants it on all night (so basically 24hrs).

He says we can afford it as we are a 2 earning household but I work part time and have no savings and he has a high wage and lots of savings.

I've just looked online (I was putting it off) and my direct debit was short by £160 last month.
This month my gas and electric is going from £200 a month to £480!!

I can't afford it. I only work part time around our son (which he wants).
I'm so stressed.

OP posts:
Taxistaxing · 14/12/2022 12:17

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:11

@Taxistaxing yes I do pay all the bills and he pays the rent.
So his comment was ridiculous. I said it was ridiculous. He thinks he's doing me a favour paying rent and that I'm costing him a lot of money. All because he could be living at his dad's house rent free (which he did before moving in with me).

Did you live where you are and he moved in? If so, you must have been able to pay the rent before? If that was pre DC then I would be checking if universal credit would cover the rent and waving him goodbye.

Biscuits1011 · 14/12/2022 12:18

First of all. You live together and have a child together so it should be joint money. This is ridiculous. He needs to pay more.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 14/12/2022 12:19

So he cheats, he lies, he abuses you. You need to leave him

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DontFeatureMeOnSocialMedia · 14/12/2022 12:21

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:13

He won't marry me because I'm mentally unstable.
I discovered his cheating and because I had an issue with it, he decided to tell people I'm mentally unstable.

Oh dear, it just gets worse and worse.

OP you are being emotionally and financially abused. Please leave this man. Do you have family you can go and stay with?

Biscuits1011 · 14/12/2022 12:21

butterfliedtwo · 14/12/2022 12:14

Listen, get the fuck out of there.

This: run.

pelargoniums · 14/12/2022 12:22

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

He can be as old-fashioned as he wants. You can be modern, and leave him. Or insist on joint accounts. Or any solution you choose:

Soothsayer1 · 14/12/2022 12:25

He understands fine well what he's doing, he's doing it because you're letting him exploit you.
Please let us help you understand what's really going on.

Original poster
Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:26

Pansypotter123 · 14/12/2022 12:01

I agree that there is financial abuse going on here.

Can you tell us more about your respective incomes?

You're a part time nurse. What does he earn, what is his job?

Is there a family business on his side?

Does he have financial support from his wealthy parents?

Are you able to treat yourself to nice clothes, coffee out etc? Days out with girl friends and do on?

What about clothes, presents, toys for your baby?

What is the rest of your relationship like?

I am a band 5 nurse but work part time. I bring in around £1100 a month.
He's a Consultant and has a very high hourly wage but chooses to work very little, as a result he earns good money but not a huge amount due to lack of work. He's basically knows he will inherit a lot when his dad dies.

His dad is a retired surgeon. He had a lot of help in the past but lost a lot in divorce (around 500k). But he lived with his dad prior to this rent free.

I do have some money to buy clothes etc. When our son was born he wanted me to drop a day at work to look after our son. In fairness he does pay me that decrease in my earnings as I would not have been able to pay the bills otherwise.

I buy all our child's clothes and gifts etc. Hence why the bill increase hasn't helped due to Xmas being more expensive.

The rest of our relationship is a disaster.

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamus · 14/12/2022 12:27

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:13

He won't marry me because I'm mentally unstable.
I discovered his cheating and because I had an issue with it, he decided to tell people I'm mentally unstable.

And you’re still with him why? My God the shite that some women put up with. Would being single really be worse than this?

Seeingadistance · 14/12/2022 12:27

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 11:36

Unfortunately he doesn't understand the idea that usually couples split bills based on a percentage of their earnings and constantly reminds me he pays more. He's old fashioned. I asked him to help in the house the other day and he said if I expect him to do house work he will stop paying bills.

If he were actually “old fashioned”, you would have been married before having a child together, he would be paying all the bills and he’d treat you with respect.

He’s a bullying, controlling, abusive arsehole.

amylou8 · 14/12/2022 12:27

You're partners, you need to have a conversation with him that the heating now costs significantly more than it did, and you cannot afford it on your wage. Either the heating goes off of he will need to pay towards it. If you can't do this or he won't listen then you have bigger problems than the gas bill.

jellybe · 14/12/2022 12:28

Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:13

He won't marry me because I'm mentally unstable.
I discovered his cheating and because I had an issue with it, he decided to tell people I'm mentally unstable.

It just gets worse! He is gas lighting you over having a perfectly normal reaction to him cheating. Honestly, what do you get from this relationship? Send him back to his dad and get child maintenance in place.

Original poster
Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:29

Taxistaxing · 14/12/2022 12:17

Did you live where you are and he moved in? If so, you must have been able to pay the rent before? If that was pre DC then I would be checking if universal credit would cover the rent and waving him goodbye.

Show quote history

No, we moved into a bigger place together. I was a single mum living in a small 2 bed previosly. Our rent is very expensive and I could not afford it alone.

OP posts:
LearnerCook · 14/12/2022 12:29

OP, please make plans to leave this poor excuse for a man. He is abusing you, financially & emotionally, and is controlling you. You know you aren't mentally unstable. Please get as far away from him as you can, claim child maintenance from him (get proof of his earnings before you leave, if possible) and then have a much better life. You deserve so much better than him and your kids do not need to grow up thinking that is how men behave.

Original poster
Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:30

Give me strength. He has just come in from taking our son to an appointment (I'm working) and the heating is back on!! It went off an hour ago.

OP posts:
Dahliasrule · 14/12/2022 12:31

Have you shown him the bill?

Soothsayer1 · 14/12/2022 12:32

You don't seem to be listening to us OP

Original poster
Snowontheholly · 14/12/2022 12:33

Not yet, he has just come in. I'm actually feeling sick and having palpitations at the thought of discussing it with him. I've been telling him for weeks it's going to be extortionate and I can't afford it.

OP posts:
mumofone2019 · 14/12/2022 12:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

jellybe · 14/12/2022 12:35

It gets worse and worse everything you are telling us about him is not ok. He is a pathetic man who is free loading off his band five partner when he is a Consultant!?!

Do you work in the same hospital/ trust? Will he make work uncomfortable for you when you leave him? Not that means you shouldn't but I'd want to start sewing seeds at work about what he is actually like if this was a concern.

MardyMincepie · 14/12/2022 12:35

How many children do you actually have and does your ex pay Child maintenance. Do you have any relatives you could stay with while you look for somewhere else to rent and whose name is on the rental agreement?

MrsWhites · 14/12/2022 12:35

You’ve got much bigger problems than a heating bill OP.

Why are you with a man who is abusing you and why are you accepting him telling people that you are mentally unstable as an excuse not to marry you? You and your children deserve better - if he earns a good wage and has huge savings, get proof of this, leave and go through the child maintenance service!

Seeingadistance · 14/12/2022 12:35

Do you have family or friends you could go and stay with? Even temporarily, while you find something permanent?

You need to leave him, OP.

Taxistaxing · 14/12/2022 12:37

@Snowontheholly just remind us what this guys positive points are again....🤔

Littlepiggiesinblankets · 14/12/2022 12:40
  • He's financially abusive
  • He's emotionally abusive (gaslighting you because you objected to the cheating)
  • He cheats

Honestly, this is not OK and it's not salvageable. Start making a plan to leave.

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