Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

This

Just say really nicely “ we are going g to have a quiet Christmas Day this year.just us here.it’s been a bit hectic and we need to just stay still.
But obviously we need to see you guys so could we organise Boxing Day or soon after? If you want you could come here,whatever’s best.what do you think?”

Sounds to me like she thinks you need to be taught how to manage money.

I think the sticker book would be the end for me. I wouldn’t go. Lack of generosity is rude.

This

I don't disagree this is very bad gift-giving etiquette from MIL - telling the recipient the price of the gift either way is gauche - but I don't think I could get worked up about it. More likely I would try and see the funny side, maybe turn it into a secret drinking game with DP (same goes for everytime FIL asks us to compliment the tree, etc). CAVEAT: The reduced price sticker book with missing pages is mean though.

It sounds like at best OP and PIL have a very different idea of what constitutes a good Christmas day, and at worst, OP and PIL just don't get on that well. Either way I think it's time for OP/DH to tell PIL that they will be having a family Christmas at home this year (where they can have all the M&S canapés they want).

Please please please stop subjecting your DC to a miserable atmosphere on Christmas Day.

Tell the in laws you can't afford to go and are staying home.

She probably claims the business client entertaining on company expenses or see it as an investment.

This.

I assume you mean Porsche, as in the car, rather than 'Porches'....unless you are saying that they each have an entrance to their house?

I giggled at this too @sianiboo so pm'd OP like any decent pedant woman to point out the error of her ways help her out, but she's explained it's definitely porches.

They are set up "His&Her" style, & neither party is allowed to step foot in the other's porch.

OK I get you now, @ChristmasJoysuckers

No craic (banter) at all? Not even with your DH in the room? That's no good at all. You might need to start a new tradition there.

Balloon slayer,she never ever asks me anything about myself and when I try and speak it feels like the oxygen is sucked out of the room.

Someone else said

Janiered

I'm not joyles,I'm very grateful for the gift I'm always nest foot forward.

Your in laws sound totally miserable to be around. Is your MIL generally disapproving of you and your DH? I wonder if it’s all a big passive aggressive dig at you because she thinks you’re profligate spenders or some such nonsense.

Season heating,the money/savings theme actually doesn't stop all year,I just find it v hard to tolerate on Xmas day.

There are many things she does which I consider wasteful and it's hard to have to endure this either relentless lesson from her on how to save or her sharing how great she is when saving money.

Bearing in mind she hands over basics from boot's in Gucci types bag's . Xmas for me is atmosphere, people feelings relaxed,off work, happier ish.
An exitement in the air, slightly treating food.... decorations, good music and laughter.

Sounds trite perhaps but whatever my personality circumstances have been it's one day to forget Money worries and loose the reigns. I suppose because she doesn't have this problem that's why she does it.

However if I said to her " mil that's a wonder saving but you do realise your son and I save like this and source things for free 364 days a year? " She would retort " well whose fault is that, fil and I worked hard to get where we are " 😐.

It wouldn't work if I then said it doesn't bother us etc.

@Outdoorable

That's uncanny and I have thought the same things, esp fil getting it in the neck.
He has joked about mil doing this.
My mil has never worked and is a house wife. I wonder if this is why she pushes the savings as if it's a job role?

Same with comments, she said once when I said DC reading coming on " well that's because I sit and read with her". ?? ( Once a month) !! When I'm reading with her and the school daily!

Everything's goes back to her. And she gets the GC to profusely praise her as well.

She gave DD a book and instead of asking " do you like it " where DD might have been able to say...I do but actually,I've already got it! It was " wow what a great book, mil chose that aren't you lucky". So dd plays along and polity thanks her for the book.

@Outdoorable

Yy to the comparing as well. Everything intellectual comes back to fil, he can't hear anything DC have done without referring to himself. DD is good at geography and he expressed surprise because he wasn't that good at it.
Mil will also compare with members of her family eg oh yes DD cousin was good at blah...the odd comment one expects but this is constant.

OK so you clearly don't like you're PIL.

Are you going to tell them you won't be going for Christmas this year?

Just refuse to go for Christmas and ignore the complaints tell DH he can go on his own but you refuse to have your day spoilt for them.

Gift set in Gucci bag? PLEASE next time she hands over a boots gift set in a Gucci bag gasp and say omg Gucci for me? Im so excited thank you!!! ….o this is nice too thanks.

sounds awful can you fake covid to get out of it? Christmas Eve ring up and say ye have tested positive? 😁

Please, for the love of god, can you and your drippy husband stop being so wet and just tell them you’re not going as it’s miserable as sin.

Sometimes in life you learn that certain relationships need to be contained to doing the absolute minimum. It sounds like this is one of them. You have got to the point where everything they do pisses you off - that cannot be fixed by tweaks and quips. Be an adult and manage the situation, limit contact and move on.

Hmm straw decorations could be pretty with some red felt details etc, but I can also easily imagine them looking like the contents of a paper bin shaken out on the tree.

Go bubbles, I don't want to offend anyone they just aren't my taste. There are other items placed around that I like but everything is quite minimal.
I'm a maximalist at Xmas.

That's fine it's the vein forced to say how amazing and wow it is.

Another log I do agree.

Here comes, drippy is unkind.
We can't say the truth there imagine what it was like growing up there?

• being forced