Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

I'm with you OP. Mentioning money, when giving a gift or hosting is incredibly tacky. Doesn't matter if it's a little or a lot, it takes away from the sentiment. It's also incredibly dull.

I would do what you want for Christmas. Don't see why you should have to sacrifice your own happiness/comfort for theirs. You are the one with children now and I think your family needs should be prioritized. I think a lot of our parents an in laws find that role hard to hand over. I also think it's up to your DH to address. Personally I'd feel comfortable telling my mum to stop giving gifts if she can't give it in the right sentiment.if he can't do that he can at least explain why you are having Christmas at your home.

Don't go and instead think about what the spirit of Christmas actually is.

Because, it's not crying about the gifts you're given or moaning about the way someone chooses to spend their day.

If you don't like it then stay at home.

Just because she has money it doesn't mean she can't try to save money here and there. My mil tells us she got things on offer and I literally couldn't care less. A gift is a gift and I'm always grateful she spent her time and money getting me something.

Send your DH on his own, while you visit someone with a more joyful approach to Christmas. Presumably he is used to their sour attitude.

They aren't your relatives, and you don't need to let them spoil your Christmas.

Childhood Christmases last about 10 years, you have lovely memories of yours that have lasted a lifetime.
Why do your child/children not deserve the same?
If this joyless cold Christmas is their childhood memory they will be unlikely to have any draw to return to you for Christmas when they are adults.

My middle class in laws can be a bit like this, no tv, not too much booze, presents should be educational and few and far between. Christmas breakfast is cereal. Not a fuss made about Santa
Loads of money but the Christmas spirit at theirs a bit lost!
I prefer loads of presents, tv and relaxed drinking to be honest!

I agree with this. Why are you blowing your kids' childhood Christmases by spending them with your in-laws? Those Christmases are too precious to waste... if relatives can't be bothered to make them special, they can see the kids at some other time to Christmas.

It's probably not joyless to the kids, unless their mum is miserable all day.

Tell her her charm school owes her a refund.

Or that it’s one of those things etiquette doctates we should think but not say.

I wouldn’t put myself in the position though. I’d be staying the hell away and telling her to donate whatever pennies she would have to a worthy charity.

I quite like a Scandi decorated Christmas tree. And I loathe and detest Christmas music.
But there's no generosity of spirit there and that's depressing and sad. You need to extricate OP. Stop buying into the narrative about how wonderful Queen Bee is.

Just don't go, I don't particularly love Xmas Sounds snobbish truly tight people wouldn't go to Sainsbury's 🤣🤣 my DF is comfortable and he would have a heart attack buying us Xmas dinner from Sainsbury's only Aldi or Lidl.

Honestly just don’t go.

@ChristmasJoysuckers
Interesting!
I've never encountered this before at all!
Why do you think they do it?

No, neither had I! My blood ran slightly cold when I read you FIL does it too. It is hard to explain to other people as doing this occasionally is normal (well I think it is) but...

I've been married to DH for 22 years now so I've had many theories over the years, the bottom-line is I just don't really know.

I do know that they definitely plan and play games (there have been very revealing slips over the years), FIL sees (well certainly used to) himself as the head of the family and thinks he can control everyone. Sometimes I don't think they understand that other people have feelings and ideas like they do? There are clues in their own upbringing/family dynamics. One theory was the MIL was even more needy and difficult behind closed doors than how she presents and this was what she expected of him (or he knew that if she didn't get gushing praise for things/enough attention he would get it in the neck later). Almost everything you say is compared to someone else/immediately brought back to them (quite often to subtly put you down).

DC learnt quite young not to share too much with them 'Granny I went up a book band today' would be met with 'Oh good..' and a 15 minute monologue about what a good reader she was at that age too, the importance of reading, a comparison with the other GC. Everyone is always compared...it is hard to pick this one thing out and explain it, it just seems to be part of a bigger general MO. I've got many anecdotes but they feel too revealing.

If it bothers you that much buy her a charity gift or oxfam gift or something and when she tells you how she got yours half price (so what?!) tell her you are regifting something given to you as you knew she would love it and appreciate how frugal you are being just like her and from now on you will be doing your best to spend as little as possible. But really all this is a load of nonsense isn't it? Who cares where food is from and how much is spent and how Xmas is different to how you like it you just don't like her.

If she’s like my mum, the reason she’s doing it is because she thinks you’re useless with money and that’s why you don’t have much.

She thinks she’s wealthy because she’s really careful and frugal and she’s ‘subtly’ trying to teach you how to be the same. She probably doesn’t offer you Waitrose food because that would encourage you to buy it. I can’t even tell my mum I’ve had a bath without a whole conversation about how she only has a 2 inch bath every few days.

Just don't go? Tell them you're doing xmas at home, just you, this year? She can be miserable with her canapes on her own.

My main take-away was that your MILs parents are alive? They must be ancient!!

You mention in your OP about how you had really frugal Christmasses and how they were so lovely . . . are you sure you haven't mentioned this to MIL? I was wondering if she is making such a big deal of not spending much because she fears being judged by you for being extravagant.

Imagine her posting "Oh gawd DIL is coming for Christmas, always banging on about all she had was an orange and a pencil and it was the best Christmas ever . . . I have to keep saying how little everything cost, pretend I got stuff 3 for 2, for fear of her disapproval."

😂 Yes or they are worried their son is going to ask them for money so they are laying the ground works to ensure they know they don't have enough to lend.

so you go and have a miserable time, and inflict that on your kids by choice. Do you want them looking back and saying Xmas was always crap because Mom and Dad forced us to go to Brandma's and she just made out we cost her too much money.

Just say no. Offer to go over Xmas Eve or Boxing Day etc. If they start with the "Sons hate their mothers after marriage" DH can point out you're offering alt dates.

No I don’t think that’s what it is. I know the type of person OP is talking about and they suck the joy out of everything by making everything a purely monetary transaction. If she was truly concerned she’d stop talking about money all together and secondly wouldn’t be stingy with gifts and make a big deal of how little it cost - she would give with good grace.

@Dreamsoffreedomjoyandpeace yes that’s much more likely IMO.

I wonder if mil suffers from hosting anxiety and fil is just wanting her to be kept buoyant and happy. That’s why there’s the over the top - doesn’t this look wonderful, isn’t the food great etc.

Perhaps she says about the presents being on offer / bogof etc so that you don’t think she’s wasted her money on you. By saying it’s half price, she thinks you may like it more and not feel bad that she spent ££’s on you.

It’s very draining though and I would avoid if you can.

Wow I vr not heard of canapes for Christmas with family😂
and I am an immigrant, without anyone even remotely well off.

Depends on how long youve known your MIL -I would talk to her myself. So what if she takes offence? Maybe no one told her before that her behaviour is cheap and tacky.

-I would call and ask about preparations
-ask for meal/drink plan
-offer help to cook Christmas meals together and offer 50%share in cost

You at expected to be grateful for being a financial inconvenience. It's mean spirited.

Don’t go! You have lovely memories of Christmas as a child but your DC are going to remember misery (and wow, it sounds utterly miserable).

I’d put my phone on silent and ignore phone calls if anyone calls to whinge.

We always have canapés when we’re hosting (actually we have them when it’s just us, too); it’s brilliant because everyone can chill and get Merry whilst dinner is being prepared - no pressure on timings as no one will be starving. I serve them in lieu of a first course.

Yes that’s exactly what it is - cheap and tacky behaviour. There’s just no need to make everything about money.