Rich in law's ruin Xmas spirit with stinginess: Coping strategies please.

[ChristmasJoysuckers]

Growing up we were not poor but certainly cash poor for many years and yet DP decorated the house beautifully, good music, a feast of food and some presents. Nothing excessive or wow but it was all wonderful.
Eg a book about insects, monopoly game and a Barbie and some chocolate and a basic stocking with pencils etc.

It all felt different, special and grand. Since then I've had very frugal xmasses in all sorts of reduced circumstance places with no gift's, basic food etc but the feeling was cheery and happy.

I can't get my head around in law's version of Xmas and my dp are overseas and we see them at other times of the year but not Xmas.

In law's are v v comfortably off and I actually find going there depressing.
They seem to want everything they do to be "better" and we have to admire mils tree like it's the best ( it isn't).
She will serve Sainsbury's canapés but makes out like she's really spoiling us ( I've seen her really pull stop's out for business clients and she would make stuff or buy Waitrose/ m and s).
I'm very happy with Sainsbury's or Tesco party food and serve it to my guest mixed in with homemade or something higher end but I don't sort of serve it as if I'm doing my guests a massive favour.

She keeps to a very strict budget of I reckon between 20 / 50 pounds. I'm very grateful for anyone buying me a gift but it sort of ruins it when she proudly states how she got our gifts reduced from x or 3 for 2 Argos etc.

She always refers back to how she saved money on them , eg one year a shaving travel kit for DH and a similar set from boots for me and she proudly tells us how it was buy one get one half price.

For the DC one was given a sticker book with some sticker sheets missing and she says she got a reduction because of that.

She spends far more on her own parents and sister and I'm sure her nieces and nephews.

When we eat there she will again look sad and say how she had to buy us food from a wholesaler or how she got it reduced.

I've seen her spend on herself though and buys the finest clothes and food for herself.

Of course it's her business what she does with her money but what I mean she she can splurge where she wants too.

When we give her and fil gift's they are very comfortable to say what they don't like but we are on a truly tight budget.

It's the tone and atmosphere that gets me ,there is no music I'm very easy to please actually and have spent very lean xmasses for many years. I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?
The spirit of Xmas doesn't seem to be there at all. I think money is a huge theme with them anyway, but it feels like they are always modelling how to save money?
DH and I have a tight budget all year, we have too and at Xmas I like to feel comfortable, we save for Xmas and I don't want to talk about saving money or be made to feel guilty because we went for a nicer turkey etc?

How do I get through it? It feels totally against Xmas?

Tbh it sounds like it might quietly be a relief for both of you if you stop going.

It sounds like she might feel put upon and finds the whole thing a massive chore. Maybe she feels like she has to invite you every year and resents it?

Stay home and do Christmas your way. It's been a bleak year for most, and life is too short to be miserable out of obligation.

I would be very happy at in law's if I didn't feel I had to profusely thank mil for gift's she's literally brought straining every sinew to save money on. Praise her to the high heaven's for basic supermarket party food?

So stop doing it!

Every time you give her the kneejerk reaction she's hammering you for, you are reinforcing 1) her own fragile credibility as a necessary budgeter 2) your assumed gratitude for her performative cheapskatery 3) your undeniable & continuing role in her theatrics.

Instead - every time she makes her crass announcements about "yes, I got 1/3 off your present / saved a ton on these canapes / your gift was half price"-
bat it straight back with
"oh let's not discuss the money aspect, it's not very christmassy. Are we watching the King's Speech at 3pm?"

Make sure you finish with a subject change, so it never becomes a debate - just a demonstration that you are no longer playing shepherdesses with Marie Antoinette.

My late MIL used to talk about money, but she wasn't like your ILs. I just said to her "talking about money the way you do just takes the joy out of everything, so please stop it". I had to repeat it a few times, but she stopped.

Why hasn't anyone challenged your ILs?

I wouldn't go, and I would tell them why.

I agree with a PP that half the problems on MN wouldn't exist if people stopped pussyfooting round each other and acting the martyr. Just communicate with them.

You aren't being "made" to feel anything. You are in control of your own emotions.

@GoBubbles

It's impressive in size, at least 100 worth, fresh. But decorated in my view very plain and sparse with straw made decorations? No classic baubles or colour it's all straw stuff?

It's not my taste at all.

I'm going out now , I will read back through later there is lots of food for thought and some funny comments too which I appreciate.
Being able to laugh at this what I think is a bizarre situation makes me feel better.

If MIL knows you are on a tight budget due to circumstances, could she possibly be relaying the bargain prices because she thinks she is trying to help. Is it a bit of bonding over bargains in her eyes? Perhaps she thinks you would be embarrassed by expensive gifts - hence her 'it was only buy one get half off'

I do agree though, it sounds annoying and patronising. When she starts one of her 'it was only ..... can you say, 'Lets not discuss the price and ruins the magic of Christmas'.

@KettrickenSmiled
That's so true and good idea of how to get out of it.
It does feel like we are in a controlled situation like some strange immersive Xmas theatre production where we are forced into a " role".

Yabvu to put the wants of adults over your own dc's Christmas memories..
Christ woman your dp needs whipping into shape! The shape of a decent df who puts his dc first.
This year.. Christmas at home. Or you are an accomplice to this shit..

I like pp suggestion of, if you have to go, showing up with board games and hot chocolate and charcuterie and general de-Grinching. Stick Carols from Kings on on Christmas Eve, take the kids out to forage for greenery, bake gingerbread stars for the tree in her fancy kitchen, sing/bellow carol snippets like “PEACE ON EARTH” and “GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING” while you’re in the shower and round the house. Weaponise Christmas at her! Be the glittery bauble you want to see in the world!

" you are no longer playing Shepardess with Marie Antoinette"

🤣🤣🤣🤣

Spot on !

Is FIL very devoted to her? My late GF was an orphan and he adored my gran and his children were the most wonderful children in the world. He thought gran walked on water but he was born in poverty in the late 19th century, grew up in a Catholic orphanage and she clearly transformed his life. I'm feeling tearful now thinking of how he was when she was diagnosed with a terminal illness. For him I can absolutely understand how he would praise her, obviously no idea of your ILs relationship.

I think there is a weird thing where wealthy people don't go overboard with presents, I've read the Royal Family sort of try to outdo each other with their cheap presents.

Funny old world isn't it.

Maybe copy the royals and tell her how you got a deal on her present or you made it from a matchbox and two pieces of old ribbon. Play her at her own game?

So when she fishes for a compliment tell her "it's very you"

😂😂😂
Yup, I get it OP - the description of FiL urging you to applaud like performing seals over some sainsbury's snacks was .... suffocating.

Give yourself permission to move on from the immersive theatre to a new role in Improv.
"MiL! - it's not very christmassy to tell me you got it on the cheap - it's the THOUGHT that counts!"
etc
Award yourself points for every time you manage to shoehorn remarks like this into her competitive cheapness ...

I think you sound snobby and ungrateful too. Just because she spends more on business clients (because you have to impress them) shouldn't make any difference whatsoever people all do Xmas differently she is proud of her efforts and wants them appreciated as she had done them for her family, she is proud she saved money and wants you to know she hasn't spent fortunes so you don't feel awkward if you don't like it don't go but just know that your idea of Xmas probably isn't everyone else's either. I think she sounds fine to be honest.

Be the glittery bauble you want to see in the world!
😂😂😂

Buy her things on sale and gush about how you have taken her as an inspiration! Give that gift with the dented box! Buy the tat from a charity shop! (And point out your being frugal AND charitable) do oxfam still sell you a virtual goat or toilet? My best Christmas gift was getting a goat from my aunt another relative got a toilet and we roasted them that they were clearly not a favourite 😂 the following year we all got given "meals"

You sound just as bad tbh, criticising her decor and the tree. Maybe she just doesn't like you very much and this is what you can sense.

Maybe ‘outcheap’ her, to every I got these on a ‘three for two offer’ comment add ‘did you get them on Black Friday when they were also doing the 70% discount?‘

I have friend who is very wealthy.

When we meet up with another friend - who is financially struggling , I’ve noticed wealthy friend doing something possibly similar.
Wealthy friend will downplay the price she has paid for holidays, clothes, cars etc. Always saying she managed to get a bargain.

I assume she does this to avoid drawing attention to the disparity of their individual finances and trying not to rub her less well of friend’s face in it.

Could this perhaps be a similar - albeit crappy attempt, on your mil’s part?

& I think she sounds gauche AF.

Constantly telling someone how cheaply you got their present discounted then asking them for excessive applause all day long is gameplaying at its finest.

OP - I've only read your responses & a very few PP's - as anyone asked how your H responds to this tomfoolery? Would he play along with the Marie Antoinette-assassinating remarks?

Don’t go.

Why let these horrible people spoil your DC’s Christmas?

I agree with this….it sounds as though she’s trying to play down her spending but she’s failing at it! She’d obviously be better off saying nothing to you about what she spent and whether it was a bargain or not.

Your post obviously isn’t about the actual point of Christmas so I won’t focus on the fact that it’s really not about what’s being saved or spent but I can see why it’s tricky for you there with your MIL’s odd behaviour.

I would pop in for drinks and pressie swap and but tell them in advance, you will be having lunch back at yours this year.

Your OP reminds me of everything that is wrong about Christmases with relatives. The nit picking about the price of everything, the bitching about every little thing people say, the comparisons between what people think someone owns materially and what they think they should be dishing out to others in the way of food and presents.

and the classic line

Of course it's her business what she does with her money

as if to excuse the barrage of criticisms.

if you don't like them and they suck the joy out of your world that much, it is far better for you and them, to make your apologies and not spend time with them. Or spend time with them and ignore everything they say and don't overanalyse any of it. Jan 2nd will soon be here.

Are the guilt tripping granny and sister there on Christmas Day too?