DS9 ran away from home because...

[Eyerollforwardroll]

... He doesn't want to be in his Xmas play.

Seems ridiculous I suppose but;
Ds likely has high functioning autism. I first raised concerns with the school 4 years ago but as he follows rules, is top of the class and generally masks his behaviour they were not supportive at the time.

In the last 2 years he's occasionally been overwhelmed at school and been unable to maintain the masking. I've spoken to GP and he's been referred to camhs where he's had a few initial assessments, but its a very very slow process. The school were still reluctant to get on board until two meltdowns where he pushed other children over and became extremely agitated when a lunchlady got as close to his face as possible to talk to him (in her words) .

He absolutely cannot cope with excessive noise, he particularly hates singing. For last years Xmas performance the school offered that he do the lighting/screens rather than be on the stage. This worked well for him as he was still a part of the production.
This year however they are insistent that he must physically take part, be that singing, dancing or narrating. He is adamant that he doesn't want to face an audience of 100 parents. He thinks his classmates will laugh at him if he wears his ear defenders.

Over the last week of performance rehearsals his behaviour has spiralled, he's run out of the school hall, he's argued with teachers, he was accidently kicked by another child and responded by intentionally kicking them back.

I'm not excusing any of his behaviour and we have had several losses of screen time and conversations about having to do things in life that you don't want to do etc.

On Friday after a further incident re the play, he took the house keys locked his sister and dad in the house and ran away. He's never done this before. Police were called, we obviously searched for him and thankfully a school mom spotted him around 20 minutes later running up and down a road sobbing. Police will be completing a contact report and potentially a safeguarding referral although they're happy he's low risk given the circumstances.

I've been in to the school this morning to suggest that the play in my opinion , with the reaction he is giving, isn't the hill we should choose to die on. I've asked if there's an alternative role he can take similar to last year or if he can undertake the same work that is set for children that do not take part in the play due to religious reasons. The headteacher and senco's initial response is that this would "reward his poor behaviour"

I am desperate to find some coping mechanisms for him, and for the school to understand that, yes his behaviours been unacceptable, but that I need them to work with me to find a reasonable adjustment. Given he's already in a spiral I do not want to reach the point where hes refusing to attend school. We have no formal diagnosis or ECHP in place.
What would you ask of the school reasonably? What else can I do to help him? He's quite clearly anxious and scared.
I've emailed his camhs contact to fill them in and request a update.

This brings back horrible memories for me. Is this a private school? You make it sound like it is but then I don’t understand as a private school would treat you so disrespectfully.

I had to make huge sacrifices to send my youngest to an little independent school because of the way we were treated by his state school. They put so much pressure on parents and create this situation where the parent feels disloyal to their child because they know what’s right for their child and they’re gaslighted by the school staff.

What I would say is that you need to be very strong and be totally on your child’s side. None of this ‘We have to do things in life we don’t like’. We don’t have to be a school play or any play ever. The SENCo at my DSs school banned me from school trips and tried to stop me from holding my son’s hand! The problem was that he hated school but they tried to put all the blame on me, and this is very common.

Threatening to keep a child off school is a good bargaining tool because they’re obsessed with attendance at any cost. You need to try to move him though. It was such a relief when I moved DS and he was like a different child. I think if I hadn’t been able to move him to a different school I’d have home schooled.

It’s really important to keep in mind that your ds is not being difficult child , but that he is a child having a difficult time.

Hi; so sorry to hear about how difficult this is. You son should be on the schools SEN register while he is awaiting a formal diagnosis- and I think that asking the SENCO for a meeting to discuss your son's first SEN plan could be a way forward here?

it may be time you had an unspecified religious objection to the play

this is not the real answer of course but it might buy some time until real problemis beginning to be answered

Wow the school sounds awful! He doesn't need an absolute diagnosis, it doesn't sound like the SENCo or HT have a clue about autism!

Frankly the school play is a non issue, I'd just keep him home "sick" on the relevant days, and I don't give a damn if the school knows it's a lie.

The school's lack of support is an issue, but one that will need to be adressed in the long run.

The headteacher and senco's initial response is that this would "reward his poor behaviour"

I think that's worrying - but I'd put in writing that you are withdrawing consent to have him take part - and trough in safe guarding and discriminating against a child with clear sensory issues and who they are aware is under going diagnosis process.

I had a teacher dig in on on a seating plan - the shear amount of upset and stress caused when she could easily have swapped seats round was unreal.

Is this a private school? Your last post makes me think that.

Private schools are generally awful with sen. They don’t really want children with sen so basically don’t make the right allowances. I am a member of several sen forums and pages and the amount of complaints we have about independent schools is insane. I would push for diagnosis, apply for an ehcp and explore other schools. It’s only going to get worse at this school as he gets older - academic expectations will increase and unless they are good at supporting sen (they’re not) your son will really struggle.

I would push for diagnosis, apply for an ehcp and explore other schools.

I'd suggest this as well.

I have to admit long term I'd be looking for a more supportive school - though that's often easier said than done and it would depend on this schools attitude going forward - is this just a blip or a sign they don't want to support him long term.

The school is being ridiculous. I would move him from a school that is so uncaring.
Alternatively tell them you have converted to a religion that doesn’t celebrate Christmas so your son will need to sit out

I agree with you about the diagnosis thing - here is a child who is becoming severely distressed at the idea of being in a play, so surely he should just not be in the play regardless of the diagnosis or lack thereof.

Obviously, I hope OP and her son get a diagnosis soon. I'm not trying to say diagnoses are unimportant. I suppose my point is just that if for whatever reason OP's child were to come back from his assessments with no diagnosis, it is still cruel for the school to make him do something that is so clearly distressing him.

Oh come on 😡

The boy is under pressure and being forced to do something that he cannot cope with. Autism is a disability and the OP has explained that he is on the path of being investigated, a process that will take time. During this time the school SENCO and head should do their utmost to be professional and supportive and assume that he is autistic.

The school are failing him and I would contact the governors as a next step OP. Longer term, can you look for a school that is actually willing and capable fo supporting a pupil with autism?

High functioning is more about how other people in society view the autism rather than the struggles of the diagnosed individuals

@Eyerollforwardroll They are to some degree stuck in the 60s. Very much a public school

WTF?? You’re paying for your child to be so mistreated that he runs away from home??

Take your money elsewhere and find a school which isn’t in the 1960s and will not mentally torture your son.

My DS did this at his private prep school (right down to the running away) and they didn't make him do anything on stage. At the time they thought he had ASD but he now has a different, more complex diagnosis. I would caution against assuming it is ASD. Other neurodivergence disorders are available!

But it's the wrong school for him with that kind of attitude from the HT. There are some great private schools out there that would be a much better fit for him.

Just tell the school he isn’t doing the play, then go and collect him before the play is about to start.

Job done.

Good luck re the diagnosis.

You can withdraw him from anything religious, including the Christmas play, without argument. It doesn't matter what your religion is (or isn't). Inform them in writing that he is being withdrawn from the play as is your right. That's that.

This is awful that they are treating your son so appallingly. Why can't they give him a backstage role - helping with set making, costumes, lighting. He is then participating without distressing him.

I would be pushing back on the head and saying he will not be participating and to continue to tell him he is is causing a huge risk to his (and others safety). If there are others not participating for religious reasons then it should be acceptable that he is not for health reasons. If that's not good enough then tell them your family is recently atheist/Muslim/Sikh or something and that he won't be participating for religious reasons. Presumably they don't need some sort of official paperwork to confirm you are.

In my experience, I've also found private schools to he awful with SEND. Get him out and into a state school that has a proper SENCO.

I’m going to excuse your sons ‘poor behaviour’. Sounds like he’s in crisis to me and lashing out. Living in fight / flight mode can’t be much fun for him. I wouldn’t be adding to his misery by banning iPad etc.

especialky since this Could be completely avoided if school managed the whole play thing better.

Poor boy.

I would either keep him off the day/s of the play or have a sudden conversion to the same religion the other children are who get to do extra maths.

@Afterfire I am in this situation (private school with an ASD child), and the school is making our lives hell. Please could you PM me any online forums or communities - I am desperate for any help and advice I can get, and would be very grateful.

If your son is an a private school then this is even worse, you are paying for choice and an education that suits your child and clearly the school does not suit him.

Not all independent schools are terrible with SEN though, my DS is in a private prep that is bending over backwards to accommodate his needs and would never, ever behave in this way.

I would make it clear to the school that your DS will not be performing in the play.
End of story.

I wouldn't be seeking the schools permission on this, if my child was so traumatised by the play they ran away and police were called I'd be informing the school he will not be doing the play. It's lovely you want to engage with his teachers, but this seems an occasion when the needs of your son are above the desire of his teacher's.