DS9 ran away from home because...

[Eyerollforwardroll]

... He doesn't want to be in his Xmas play.

Seems ridiculous I suppose but;
Ds likely has high functioning autism. I first raised concerns with the school 4 years ago but as he follows rules, is top of the class and generally masks his behaviour they were not supportive at the time.

In the last 2 years he's occasionally been overwhelmed at school and been unable to maintain the masking. I've spoken to GP and he's been referred to camhs where he's had a few initial assessments, but its a very very slow process. The school were still reluctant to get on board until two meltdowns where he pushed other children over and became extremely agitated when a lunchlady got as close to his face as possible to talk to him (in her words) .

He absolutely cannot cope with excessive noise, he particularly hates singing. For last years Xmas performance the school offered that he do the lighting/screens rather than be on the stage. This worked well for him as he was still a part of the production.
This year however they are insistent that he must physically take part, be that singing, dancing or narrating. He is adamant that he doesn't want to face an audience of 100 parents. He thinks his classmates will laugh at him if he wears his ear defenders.

Over the last week of performance rehearsals his behaviour has spiralled, he's run out of the school hall, he's argued with teachers, he was accidently kicked by another child and responded by intentionally kicking them back.

I'm not excusing any of his behaviour and we have had several losses of screen time and conversations about having to do things in life that you don't want to do etc.

On Friday after a further incident re the play, he took the house keys locked his sister and dad in the house and ran away. He's never done this before. Police were called, we obviously searched for him and thankfully a school mom spotted him around 20 minutes later running up and down a road sobbing. Police will be completing a contact report and potentially a safeguarding referral although they're happy he's low risk given the circumstances.

I've been in to the school this morning to suggest that the play in my opinion , with the reaction he is giving, isn't the hill we should choose to die on. I've asked if there's an alternative role he can take similar to last year or if he can undertake the same work that is set for children that do not take part in the play due to religious reasons. The headteacher and senco's initial response is that this would "reward his poor behaviour"

I am desperate to find some coping mechanisms for him, and for the school to understand that, yes his behaviours been unacceptable, but that I need them to work with me to find a reasonable adjustment. Given he's already in a spiral I do not want to reach the point where hes refusing to attend school. We have no formal diagnosis or ECHP in place.
What would you ask of the school reasonably? What else can I do to help him? He's quite clearly anxious and scared.
I've emailed his camhs contact to fill them in and request a update.

I am so sorry to hear about this situation.

I am a primary teacher, with 3 ASD diagnosed children in my current class (and more awaiting an assessment). There is no way our school would ever insist on anything like this, as others have said, behaviour is communication, and your DS is communicating real distress.

As others have said I would:

1. meet with school SENCO to see where your son’s case is in terms of ECHP application, etc
2. very clearly communicate with your son that he does not have to take part if he does not want to. Would he like a back stage role, or just miss it altogether?
3. email teacher/ HT about how the current situation is making your son feel, and how he ran away to avoid this whole debacle. ALWAYS have a paper trail. Specify how their job, as well as your job, is primarily to keep your DS safe. And you are concerned that their insistence on him taking part is threatening his safety and well being. Children from some religions (we have a Muslim child and 2 Jehovah witnesses children) do not take part in Xmas celebrations - and neither should they have to - so they can also make an exception for your DS.
4. If this all fails/ takes too long, your son can be mysteriously ill with a tummy bug. (You shouldn’t have to risk a fine.)

You’re doing a great job as your son’s advocate, let us know how you get on.

Pull him from the play. Tell him very clearly that he won’t be taking part, because either school will find another role for him, or else you will keep him home that day. Hopefully that will take the weight off his shoulders.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

This. Schools are finally getting onto the fact that putting kids through hell for the parents entertainment is cruel and unnecessary. It was encouraging this year to read all the posts about schools who have made sports day optional and dished out other jobs to pupils too scared to take part

I think this is a great way to phrase your response to the school - he's not choosing to misbehave, he's having a mental health crisis because they are insisting he does something that fills him with fear. It is absurd that the school think this is acceptable!

If your child has autism then this isn't poor or bad behaviour and he shouldn't be punished for it. He's screaming in pain because of his disability, pleading for help.

Rewarding poor behaviour? F that. Keep him off and start a parental EHCP request NOW. And yy to written communications to school.

SEN or not if he doesn't want to don't, I wouldn't be forcing him. It would be my idea of hell. Just go in, speak to the head and say He's not doing it. Its too distressing for him, school plays are not mandatory, it has no impact on his education and you will not allow your child to be bullied into it. End of discussion.

I have been to enough assemblies and plays to know that schools can accommodate kids who won't want to be on stage. For example, I've watched assemblies where a shy child's bit was pre-recorded in the empty playground and shown on the projector.
Some children enjoy being on stage while some don't. Plenty of adults would refuse to stand in front of 100s of parents so your son shouldn't be made to feel bad about it. There is nothing to be gained by forcing your son to participate in the way that the school wants.

This sounds so much like my son. This is what has worked for us (this assumes your son is an intelligent soul who just wants to be understood - which it sounds like he is). We have talked often and regularly about how not everyone's brains work the same. We've talked about autism, adhd, dyspraxia and dyslexia. I've made it clear he doesn't have a diagnosis yet, but he sees himself in lots of the descriptions. I explain that makes lots of things difficult for him, and that's okay (his friend is dyslexic so we use that as an example). I explain that he has to go to school, to sometimes I'll help him with things if he absolutely hates them - but he has to promise we'll only use that in an emergency. In this situation I'd let him know that if school insisted on making him do the play, he would develop a mysterious illness on the day of the play and would be too ill to attend. I make sure he knows this isn't something we can use on a regular basis though, and he knows school is compulsory in general.

Absolutely. If I’m honest I think you should have pushed back harder and firmer with the school earlier, not had the conversations with DS about ‘we all have to do what we don’t want to.’

The headteacher and senco's initial response is that this would "reward his poor behaviour"

It’s a fucking terrible ‘initial response’.
Have you considered a different school? I suppose if he’s usually happy he might not want to move but this school sounds terrible at pastoral care and supporting pupils for referral.

I'm so sorry the school are digging their heels in. My eldest was similar, I was aware of issues from p1 (NI) but she masked well and school kept saying oh no too young etc. By p4 she had an amazing teacher who backed us 100% and we were in the process of persuing various diagnoses. I got to the point that I kept everything in writing, if she felt unable to do something like a performance, or sports event I didn't ask them for her to be excused I told them she would not be participating due to her mental health and I would be collecting her at x time (ie before a play etc). I didn't bend or back down. One teacher in particular tried to guilt her into things, especially religious events but I was very hard against it and pulled her on it every time, Dd thrived when there wasn't that pressure. I thought at first I don't want to be 'that parent' but actually I'm the only advocate my kids have. I ended up permanently Home Educating after Covid hit which obviously doesn't work for everyone (self employed farmer) but left with a great relationship with the Head because he recognised how hard I worked with the girls and found their learning styles, he was amazingly supportive during lockdown and appalled at how much of a knowledge gap there was for my eldest as she was afraid to admit she didn't understand lots of things over the years and masked well. It opened his eyes and the SENCO too and they seem to have taken a different approach since going by some of my younger Dds friends we have kept in touch with.

They aren’t rewarding bad behaviour though. It isn’t bad behaviour - he and you have tried reasonably explaining why he can’t take part and they’ve ignored, leading to him resorting to other desperate and dangerous measures.
You need to listen to him, even if school dont, and be his advocate or this could end very badly.
Please speak to the NAS helpline or any other support organisations. If necessaty keep him off school on that day.
best of luck

My NT DS has always hated any kind of performing at school, and each Christmas and Sports Day I have this battle.

Some teachers have been good, others not so 'he might surprise us, he might enjoy it'. Nope. He won't. He worries. He gets anxious. He hates being on stage.

As an aside i have found the 'tell school, don't ask' approach advocated on here so enlightening, and I will do this from now on.

Latest thing is ALL KS2 children to perform in a church carol concert. ALL. Surely kids should be able to opt into these events?

OP good luck, sorry to derail.

He sounds very like my son. He came home delighted the other day that he had fallen at lunchtime and gashed his knee as it got him out of Scottish country dancing!

We are also in early stages with ed psych.

I agree with those who say put it in an email. It's a record and removes the emotion.

I think offering what he can do as a way of addressing the behaviour side would be good. Could he make some signs to say welcome or 'the fire exits are to the left'. Perhaps find some way he does do the standing up as part of the play but doesn't have to say anything or sing and it's over and done with immediately so it's not building. Something that takes a bit of time so he isn't getting a free pass in rehearsal time but can sit and be busy at the back.

Find him a job that's not seen as a reward but avoids all this unnecessary stress.

There must be kids that refuse to do it on the day and cry. There always are.

If you strip this back to it's simplest, your child is significantly distressed, to a level where police have been called, over a matter that can easily be resolved him not participating in a non important event.

The circumstances or any potential diagnosis or theories over why, bad behaviour v SEN etc. doesn't change that fact. The right thing for him at this moment is to eliminate the distress.

I would tell him he doesn't have to be in the play, tell the school he won't be in the play and that as his non attendance is as a result of their failure to make reasonable adjustments, you will expect it to be marked as authorised absence.

I would also escalate to the governors and ofsted.

This is the sort of thing my DS used to do. He was diagnosed with autism at the end of year 6.

My DD has ASD but even pre-diagnosis, the school recognised that she was sensitive to noise as it's own issue and accommodated her accordingly. These symptoms have to come before an autism diagnosis, rather than being things that only appear once the paperwork is ticked off. So instead of talking about a diagnosis he doesn't yet have, talk about how he can't cope with noise and how it seems to cause him pain.

I would ask the school what they are going to do if the show causes him to melt down, will they take responsibility for both the show being ruined and the detrimental affect on his mental health? Write in an email, saying clearly that you want it in writing that you warned them he couldn't cope and they said he had to do it.

Other issues:
If he's embarrassed by ear defenders, you can get ear bud style noise reduction earphones or woollen beanie hats that cover the ears with noise cancelling technology. There are less medical looking options to ear defenders that it might be worth looking into.

There is no way he should do this show. However, to help him in the future I would look for a sweet and nice drama or expressive arts group to help him get used to speaking in front of people sometimes. IME these groups are lovely and inclusive and they really helped my DD.

The schools are behaving appallingly.

Your priority is to reassure your poor son that you promise him he will not have to take part in this play, keep him off school if needs be and tell the school you’re doing for the mental and physical safety of your son.

As a pp said , parents are allowed to withdraw their child from Christmas plays because of their religious beliefs eg Jehovah's Witnesses
If someone in the year couldn't participate for religious reasons then the school would have to come up with a different solution for them.

Don’t railroad him into doing this if he doesn’t want to. The teachers will have long forgotten it while your son will remember the anxiety and stress for a long time to come, if not forever.

And I found his primary school was exactly the same - he was achieving well in class and generally flew under their radar so they were hopeless at recognising there was an issue. But I knew what his triggers were so I told them what would be happening.

'I will be collecting x at lunchtime today as it's sports day' etc.

I'm so sorry he's going through this. But you need to stop playing by their rules and start advocating for him. He's literally begging you to intervene by trying to flag to everyone in the only way he knows how. Please don't punish him for being in massive emotional distress.

i would be brutally blunt with the school and give them a choice, either:

1..they insist he takes part which could result in chaos, should you DC refuse and and have a meltdown in front of all the other parents and/or governors

Or

2...they tell him he doesn't have to do it, which will mean that they play goes ahead (relatively), smoothly

Then ask them which of those 2 options will reflect better on the school and it's management team?

*the play not they play.

WTF?

So they allow children to step out over one reason but not your son who has a bloody illness?

Surely this breaks some sort of disability rights law? They need to make reasonable adjustment for his condition. You will no doubt have clipboard social workers giving you grief and this is all stemming from the school being utterly useless and ignorant.

Is there no way you'd consider changing school?

Trying to read through the replies in the waiting room, again sorry please bear with me.

I'll try to answer a few questions.

Re the High functioning, those of you that feel the need to dispute / doubt this, you are indeed correct. They very clearly said their initial feelings were that ds is likely on the autistic spectrum. The spectrum ranging from low to high functioning, and they would say that ds sits in the high functioning part of that spectrum in that he's a very intelligent child, often very achieving in certain subjects with some occasional niche interests.

I find the term useful, as do others, I'm very sorry if I have offended anyone but I do think it helps to convey how his behaviour manifests itself.

The bad behaviour comment was from the HT, the Senco didn't actually say an awful lot other than suggesting he sits on the stage and doesn't speak or take part in any of the dancing or singing but can just be 'present' I did ask what this would achieve? Him sitting there clearly miserable isn't exactly what the parents in the audience have come to see.

Yes they know about the running away.

We tried the sometimes you have to do things approach very early on in the first few days of rehearsals after half term as roles had not been allocated at that point. To be fair to DS he did not ask for a backstage role last year, his teacher at the time suggested it, so it is fair in the mind of a 9 Yr old very lateral thinker that this would also be an option this year, oit's thrown him that it's not.

We have had issues previously with the HT, 2 boys were following him around the playground literally shoulder to shoulder as, as children do, they'd figured out he doesn't like people in his space. The more he tried to move away the more they boxed him in. He spoke to a few lunch assistants and got the response to just move away from them. Not helpful. After almost a week of this he pushed them over. The HTs response was "they were not poking him, or pushing him, or hitting him, or indeed even calling him names, they were simply following him around and DS must control his anger" we had a discussion that people being in his space is physically painful for him, you can see his distress. That was around 6 months ago and I thought they were actually starting to understand him.

Sorry bit of a tangent there.