DS9 ran away from home because...

[Eyerollforwardroll]

... He doesn't want to be in his Xmas play.

Seems ridiculous I suppose but;
Ds likely has high functioning autism. I first raised concerns with the school 4 years ago but as he follows rules, is top of the class and generally masks his behaviour they were not supportive at the time.

In the last 2 years he's occasionally been overwhelmed at school and been unable to maintain the masking. I've spoken to GP and he's been referred to camhs where he's had a few initial assessments, but its a very very slow process. The school were still reluctant to get on board until two meltdowns where he pushed other children over and became extremely agitated when a lunchlady got as close to his face as possible to talk to him (in her words) .

He absolutely cannot cope with excessive noise, he particularly hates singing. For last years Xmas performance the school offered that he do the lighting/screens rather than be on the stage. This worked well for him as he was still a part of the production.
This year however they are insistent that he must physically take part, be that singing, dancing or narrating. He is adamant that he doesn't want to face an audience of 100 parents. He thinks his classmates will laugh at him if he wears his ear defenders.

Over the last week of performance rehearsals his behaviour has spiralled, he's run out of the school hall, he's argued with teachers, he was accidently kicked by another child and responded by intentionally kicking them back.

I'm not excusing any of his behaviour and we have had several losses of screen time and conversations about having to do things in life that you don't want to do etc.

On Friday after a further incident re the play, he took the house keys locked his sister and dad in the house and ran away. He's never done this before. Police were called, we obviously searched for him and thankfully a school mom spotted him around 20 minutes later running up and down a road sobbing. Police will be completing a contact report and potentially a safeguarding referral although they're happy he's low risk given the circumstances.

I've been in to the school this morning to suggest that the play in my opinion , with the reaction he is giving, isn't the hill we should choose to die on. I've asked if there's an alternative role he can take similar to last year or if he can undertake the same work that is set for children that do not take part in the play due to religious reasons. The headteacher and senco's initial response is that this would "reward his poor behaviour"

I am desperate to find some coping mechanisms for him, and for the school to understand that, yes his behaviours been unacceptable, but that I need them to work with me to find a reasonable adjustment. Given he's already in a spiral I do not want to reach the point where hes refusing to attend school. We have no formal diagnosis or ECHP in place.
What would you ask of the school reasonably? What else can I do to help him? He's quite clearly anxious and scared.
I've emailed his camhs contact to fill them in and request a update.

Can he not be poorly on the day of the play.i wouldn't put my ds through that

They dont use terms like 'high functioning' anymore. Who told you that was their initial assessment result? Because no one would have said that. And no senco would have responded to this situation by saying they would be rewarding bad behaviour if they made adjustments for him.

Just some odd things coming out of your posts.

I'm often on the side of the school but not in this case. I would be telling them and putting it in writing that he will not be taking part. Don't ask, tell. Tell them his involvement will be limited to back stage support. Tell them they are ignoring the mental health issues you have raised and it's not acceptable

I would tell the school that you wouldn't be sending him to school for the performances. Regardless of diagnosis, your son is clearly terrified and communicating how he feels with his behaviour - it would be cruel to force it.
Gobsmacked at the "rewarding bad behaviour"
comment.

"He doesn't have a formal diagnosis sorry if I wasn't clear, he's awaiting a mutliagency meeting. He's had initial assessments with camhs, and a peadiatrician and dietician and their initial feedback is that he is "likely" high functioning. This is not a road I've been down before so please bare with me while I try to answer everyone's questions."

In my experience (I have a 10yo autistic daughter - she has a diagnosis now but it was a long road and the school were likewise unsupportive as she masks and does well academically), this should be enough to request that they make "reasonable adjustments" under the terms of the Equality Act - in this case, letting him take a backstage role.

Be calm but assertive when dealing with them, and get everything in writing. Here's a link to some useful advice: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/work/discrimination-at-work/discrimination-at-work/checking-if-its-discrimination/check-if-youre-disabled-under-the-equality-act-work/

As you know, his behaviour is not "bad behaviour", it's a result of his disability. The school needs to be made to understand that too. Good luck.

We only really got the ball rolling after the first return to school after the covid lockdown. He was really happy at home and was distressed at returning.

GP referred to peadiatrician and camhs. Camhs referred to dietician.

Camhs had to send paperwork to school 3 times before it was returned but all excused by admin errors at either side. Last conversation we had with camhs (video calls only) we were told the wait for a multi agency meeting was likely up to a year.

Hope this helps, I'm just off to a medical appointment myself so might be delayed responding but I really appreciate everyone's advice (barr the folk that either intentionally misread or don't bother to read the full post) 😉

The headteacher was concerned about how we will deal with his leavers play, I did firmly point out that given that's over 2 years away we need to deal with this play for now!

School are behaving shockingly. All sorts of adjustments were put in place at school with regards to my son despite him not having a diagnosis.

Intervention in school is also needs based, not diagnosis based. Especially with current wait times.

The school just wouldn't be responding the way they are to this behaviour with a child on a path to diagnosis.

Tell them he will not be taking part in the play. Don't give them the option to argue. If necessary I'd take him out of school on that day.

This

The headteacher's "bad behaviour" comment seems so inappropriate

Does the head know that he ran away from home?

To me this is simple. Forget all the extraneous stuff - it's important to you but not to the situation. You are going out of your way to explain why he doesn't want to be in the play - and I am sure all those reasons are 100% solid. But they are irrelevant, and you are not required to provide the headteacher or anyone else with an explanation. You simply tell the school that you DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION for him to appear in the play, so they can either find him a backstage role, or they can find something else for him to do. No school has the right to insist that a child appears in front of other adults. Full stop. If his behaviour was arising from normal, day to day, school routines, then I might say that there is some discussion / negotiation to be done. But appearing in public is not a school requirement, and they can either get with the programme or you tell them that he will not be in school on that day, and will be formally complaining about their conduct. There are many situations where a child or parent may have issues with appearing in a public performance. And they should not be made to.

Your doctors can sign him off, even if he’s not autistic. They can even just recommend that he doesn’t do the play.

If school refuse to find an alternative I would keep him home until after the play. It’s not worth a battle.

ds first refused to take place in the school plays in year 2 and hasn’t done any since. He hates everything about them. He didn’t take part in his leavers assembly either as the idea was too stressful (even though it was done with no audience)

You need to mention the equalities act to the head and SENCO. They cannot penalise him for behaviour due to his diagnosis, or make him take part in a play. Keep everything in writing, cope everything to the chair of governors.
My children’s primary school is ace, in that no child is forced to act or sing. You can sign up to be backstage crew.
FWIW my son struggles so much with music, that his primary school run an alternative curriculum for him, and he doesn’t attend music lessons at all, because they can often trigger sensory overload and sometimes meltdown. Why set up a kid to fail?

That is absolutely ridiculous. It’s a school play ffs, not his A levels. It’s meant to be fun and he’s terrified! If they don’t allow him out of the play then I’d be keeping him off those days, though I do agree with pp that you have a general problem with the school that needs sorting

My dd is NT and had performed well in previous school productions but she had a meltdown in Yr 6 and refused to go on stage when the moment came. It ended up a friend of her said her lines for her. No biggie. Why is your son's school making so much of this? I would just keep him off on the day of the production if they are going to be so unreasonable.

Sorry, just noticed you do not have a formal diagnosis. But the equalities act would still apply, I think. You know he has a disability, and is on the pathway for diagnosis.

I’m a Senco. My advice is to speak again to the Head and tell them that your DS will not be taking part in the play. Don’t ask. You’re not rewarding “poor behaviour”.
BTW, did you say the other children who can’t take part are doing work during rehearsal / performance times? That’s terrible! Is this school stuck in the 1960s?

I have a 9yo awaiting asd assessment and I would email school and tell them that your child will not be attending on the day of the play to safeguard his mental and physical health as they are not willing to make reasonable adjustments.

I would tell your child that you hear him and understand the need to not participate and fully support him and will not force him to partake. It's an opportunity to explain to him about what he has to do without option and what he is allowed to say he would prefer not to.

School seem to forget about the value of a child's voice, with or without autism, these are people who have needs and wants.

Call him in sick the week of the play. Promise him you'll do this, ask him to go through the motions of pretending in the rehearsals but promise him you'll protect him from the actual show and follow through with that.

Can you send a second opinion on his SEN needs to present to this (idiotic) SENCO?

Icy calm. Tell HT you note their comment and to avoid further disagreement, you have decided DS will take no part in the play whatsoever.

Also it actually doesn't matter if he has SEN or not. If something as insignificant as a bloody school play is causing a pupil this level of distress, wtf is the school playing at just forcing him through it?!

feef, you're a fairly new name to me, and one I already recognise because of your behaviour. You come onto a thread where the OP's feeling a bit vulnerable and then niggle them to death.

How 'bout you don't that?

If it was me I'd be interested to know the school's reasoning for him HAVING to be in a physical role. Will they dock marks or take away a treat/star/sticker on the behaviour system etc. if he doesn't? Why is it crucial to them to push him so far out of his comfort zone?

Just keep him off school that day and tell him you will do that.
This is as you say not a hill to die on. No one says in 20 years time, well Antelope you would have got that job if only you had taken part in the school play. Ridiculous to force him to do this.