DS9 ran away from home because...

[Eyerollforwardroll]

... He doesn't want to be in his Xmas play.

Seems ridiculous I suppose but;
Ds likely has high functioning autism. I first raised concerns with the school 4 years ago but as he follows rules, is top of the class and generally masks his behaviour they were not supportive at the time.

In the last 2 years he's occasionally been overwhelmed at school and been unable to maintain the masking. I've spoken to GP and he's been referred to camhs where he's had a few initial assessments, but its a very very slow process. The school were still reluctant to get on board until two meltdowns where he pushed other children over and became extremely agitated when a lunchlady got as close to his face as possible to talk to him (in her words) .

He absolutely cannot cope with excessive noise, he particularly hates singing. For last years Xmas performance the school offered that he do the lighting/screens rather than be on the stage. This worked well for him as he was still a part of the production.
This year however they are insistent that he must physically take part, be that singing, dancing or narrating. He is adamant that he doesn't want to face an audience of 100 parents. He thinks his classmates will laugh at him if he wears his ear defenders.

Over the last week of performance rehearsals his behaviour has spiralled, he's run out of the school hall, he's argued with teachers, he was accidently kicked by another child and responded by intentionally kicking them back.

I'm not excusing any of his behaviour and we have had several losses of screen time and conversations about having to do things in life that you don't want to do etc.

On Friday after a further incident re the play, he took the house keys locked his sister and dad in the house and ran away. He's never done this before. Police were called, we obviously searched for him and thankfully a school mom spotted him around 20 minutes later running up and down a road sobbing. Police will be completing a contact report and potentially a safeguarding referral although they're happy he's low risk given the circumstances.

I've been in to the school this morning to suggest that the play in my opinion , with the reaction he is giving, isn't the hill we should choose to die on. I've asked if there's an alternative role he can take similar to last year or if he can undertake the same work that is set for children that do not take part in the play due to religious reasons. The headteacher and senco's initial response is that this would "reward his poor behaviour"

I am desperate to find some coping mechanisms for him, and for the school to understand that, yes his behaviours been unacceptable, but that I need them to work with me to find a reasonable adjustment. Given he's already in a spiral I do not want to reach the point where hes refusing to attend school. We have no formal diagnosis or ECHP in place.
What would you ask of the school reasonably? What else can I do to help him? He's quite clearly anxious and scared.
I've emailed his camhs contact to fill them in and request a update.

I've got an autistic 11yo DD. If he's this anxious already about the play I would say it's highly likely that you won't be able to get him in to school anyway on the day. By this age they're usually too big to carry/drag even if you wanted to. My 11yo is the same size as me, if she's too anxious for school then there's generally nothing I can do. The school are failing him though.

Your poor ds. I would tell him right now that he does not need to worry about this anymore because he will not be doing it, take that stress away from him. Then tell the school, they can have the choice of finding him a different way to take part or of him not taking part at all.

Longer term I would be considering moving schools or home educating him because this school does not sound like they are going to be meeting your child’s needs.

Your poor little boy. Being distressed is not 'poor behaviour'.

Compliance training will not reduce his sensory distress, and repeatedly traumatising him by him trying to force his body to comply with a high level of distress because that's 'being good' will eventually build anxiety high enough to risk him joining the many primary aged kids currently school refusing. Many of whom have sensory processing needs and have just tried to be good until they broke.

Are the school seriously equating faking neurotypical as 'being good'? Do they know about masking? Have they read the Code of Practice and that blanket policies and unmet needs can be discriminatory? Ableist much? How do school staff feel his trust in them will go now they've shown they won't listen to him and his feelings don't matter?

Get on to your local parent advocacy SENDIASS group (they're called different things) and if you can source an Occupational Therapy assessment for your son you would get evidence for school that will be very clear that requiring him to mask and tolerate sensory distress is harmful and likely to increase his avoidance.

I would I'm afraid at this point be pulling him out of rehursals and out of the performances. There are plenty of other schools if necessary, he has years of education in front of him. Him reaching this point of distress and fear over one Christmas production is absolutely not worth the potential harm it may do.

Sending you and him positive thoughts, OP. Sounds very much like autism to me, but I'm only an autistic mother and grandmother, not an expert. I disagree with the post I quoted because he sounds exactly like an autistic who can mask until they can't.

And after a week of people in my space, I'd be ready to lash out, too.

The last incident was around 6 months ago. As long as he has a routine and is set specific expectations academically he performance behaves brilliantly. He has a group of 3 friends that he gets on well with. His teacher recently described him as "not liking to waste words, why use 100 if you can use 5?" He's a liked little boy, and if you can see past some of his resistance to interact unnecessarily, you'll occasionally be rewarded with a very witty comment and the odd smile.

Do maybe the school do not believe he "needs" intervention. But I do.
Resources are limited and sometimes its those that shout loudest or misbehave or underachieve that get those resources first.

I'm appalled by the school and their lack of understanding -particularly the senco.
Can you switch schools?
Is there a local FB group for parents of autistic kids you can join.
You have to stop thinking of autism as a scale from one end to the other though. That's all wrong.

I don't think schools should force kids to perform in school plays , it may build up some kids who literally think they are the next rising star but a lot of kids find it traumatising.

Move him. Find another school.

Your son has been bullied, and the HT has done nothing to stop it. On the contrary, they’ve let two kids bully him and then punished your DS when he snapped.

And now your son is being bullied by the adults school, despite signs of severe distress.

Move him. This is not a good school for his mental health.

In utter shock at this thread. I would change school. Autism or not I don't see anything playful in this "play". There is a degree of insensitivity that I do not get. Weird. They are not the one getting locked down though or having to run after a child when it's dark outside. Something is not working and it's the child who is breaking.

Sorry bit of a tangent there.

Not a tangent. The HT sounds absolutely bloody terrible. How would they like being followed everywhere precisely in order to provoke a reaction? Idiot.

I’d a) reassure DS he will not need to perform and that you’re working on a solution with school then b) ask him what suggestions he has - would he like to do backstage, or record a narrator role via audio, or help with the sound & lighting (where ear defenders won’t be an issue) then c) tell school your acceptable options and don’t take no for an answer.

This school sounds awful. If there is already provision in place for kids who don't celebrate Xmas him going to that doesn't require any additional work on their part.
Also, you don't have to have religious beliefs to ask for your child to not participate in collective worship. You can do that as an atheist. If they're being this pedantic than I would just send an email saying he is not taking part, we do not want him to take part in collective worship and to please ensure this is actioned and he is taken out of the play.
I used to volunteer for a well known SEN charity as a parent advisor and it was actually quite shocking how difficult schools can be for the most basic of changes. I remember we had a child who had always used the disabled toilet as they would melt down if someone could hear them pass urine. The child went to another class and the disabled toilet was on the other end of the school now. The school was adamant the child has to learn to use communal toilets and refused them access to the disabled toilet as it was too far. This child became a school refuser and access to the disabled toilet had to be written into their ehcp.
It's actually mind boggling how many NT teachers think they can unteach triggers of kids with SEN, without any guidance or support from professionals.
Get your son out that play and get the ball rolling for an EHCP.

Exactly, SN or not, diagnosis or not, ECHP or not NO child should be forced to be in any school performance

They are to some degree stuck in the 60s. Very much a public school yet all boys up until Yr 6 have to wear shorts all year round, rather than long trousers. This suits DS though as he hates trousers! All children wear shirts and ties, no polo shirts. Girls wear skirts or dresses, no trousers.
HT is quite authoritative, but generally the children seem to respect the rules.

The 2 children that do not take part due to religious reasons are put in another room with ipads/headphones and do online maths etc. DS would happily do this.

I think this is one of the issues with talking about low or high functioning autism

What people forget is what they are seeing is high functioning, they aren't taking into account what goes on in the background like masking until they get to the point where something triggers the person into no longer be

You’ve got too high an opinion of ‘professionals’.

Tell him you will keep him off school on the day of the play.
Don't let the HT or anyone bully him into this.

You need to read this thread - maybe see if @inthemarblejar or one of the other parents commenting on the thread can give you some help/advice.

Please reasure him that he won't have to go to school that day.

Your update makes the school sound even worse. Your son was clearly provoked - I hope that he wasn't punished for something that would annoy everyone.

Posted too soon ! No longer being able to mask , or the anxiety that can still be there in the background

The school play is a trigger point with your ds, he can no longer mask his anxiety around it and is shoeing distressed behaviour

The head and senco don't seem to understand this

I agree. Apparently SLI or expressive language disorder isn't used anymore in favour of DLD but my DD has both written into a diagnostic report by an LA SALT. Ive seen a lot of Asperger's too even though that's apparently long gone.
What's on paper with SEN law is often far from reality sadly. This includes SENCO behaviour, especially in primary school.

Please don't make him do the play. I know this sounds ridiculous but have you asked him what he needs ? I understand it may be difficult for him to communicate this but sometimes my son (ASD) can explain in a roundabout way what it is he needs to feel safe and secure if he's feeling overwhelmed.

The comment “rewarding negative behaviour” is idiotic but presumably they are operating under a very poor understanding of behavioural psychology. So I would suggest that you respond in kind and use behavioural terminology.

You could point out that what they are actually suggesting is consequating his behaviour with a known aversive (forced exposure to overwhelming sensory stimuli) or using what would be identified behaviourally as a positive punishment operant.

To suggest using a punishment operant instead of first manipulating the setting events and antecedent is inappropriate, and furthermore any positive punishment contingency should require an ethics assessment, parental consent and only be conducted under the supervision of a BCBA.

Sorry but some senco's are bat shit crazy, and awful at their job. You have no idea.

I'd be taking a hard stance with the school. He's nine. He's not doing the play, it is causing undue stresses for him, and no, it's not rewarding poor behaviour.

Deal with the kicking and anything else separately sure - but no, my son will not be taking part in the play.

Put everything in an email so you have a paper trail.

If you do speak on the phone to them, follow up with an email reiterating everything said, schools are very good at denying things but if you have an email with times/dates they cannot.

Christ alive! Autism or no autism, no school play is worth this amount of anxiety for the poor lad.

I am fully neurotypical but was just cripplingly shy and I used to get physically ill at the thought of school plays, presentations, anything that involved public speaking, even just in front of the class. IMO whether or not he has autism or not is in some ways irrelevant to whether or not he should be forced to do the play when he's so clearly distressed by it. School plays are supposed to be fun, not make you want to run away from home.

Just tell the school he's not doing it, and if they really won't budge then, as another pp said, just tell him not to worry because you'll be calling in sick for him on the day of the play.