DS9 ran away from home because...

[Eyerollforwardroll]

... He doesn't want to be in his Xmas play.

Seems ridiculous I suppose but;
Ds likely has high functioning autism. I first raised concerns with the school 4 years ago but as he follows rules, is top of the class and generally masks his behaviour they were not supportive at the time.

In the last 2 years he's occasionally been overwhelmed at school and been unable to maintain the masking. I've spoken to GP and he's been referred to camhs where he's had a few initial assessments, but its a very very slow process. The school were still reluctant to get on board until two meltdowns where he pushed other children over and became extremely agitated when a lunchlady got as close to his face as possible to talk to him (in her words) .

He absolutely cannot cope with excessive noise, he particularly hates singing. For last years Xmas performance the school offered that he do the lighting/screens rather than be on the stage. This worked well for him as he was still a part of the production.
This year however they are insistent that he must physically take part, be that singing, dancing or narrating. He is adamant that he doesn't want to face an audience of 100 parents. He thinks his classmates will laugh at him if he wears his ear defenders.

Over the last week of performance rehearsals his behaviour has spiralled, he's run out of the school hall, he's argued with teachers, he was accidently kicked by another child and responded by intentionally kicking them back.

I'm not excusing any of his behaviour and we have had several losses of screen time and conversations about having to do things in life that you don't want to do etc.

On Friday after a further incident re the play, he took the house keys locked his sister and dad in the house and ran away. He's never done this before. Police were called, we obviously searched for him and thankfully a school mom spotted him around 20 minutes later running up and down a road sobbing. Police will be completing a contact report and potentially a safeguarding referral although they're happy he's low risk given the circumstances.

I've been in to the school this morning to suggest that the play in my opinion , with the reaction he is giving, isn't the hill we should choose to die on. I've asked if there's an alternative role he can take similar to last year or if he can undertake the same work that is set for children that do not take part in the play due to religious reasons. The headteacher and senco's initial response is that this would "reward his poor behaviour"

I am desperate to find some coping mechanisms for him, and for the school to understand that, yes his behaviours been unacceptable, but that I need them to work with me to find a reasonable adjustment. Given he's already in a spiral I do not want to reach the point where hes refusing to attend school. We have no formal diagnosis or ECHP in place.
What would you ask of the school reasonably? What else can I do to help him? He's quite clearly anxious and scared.
I've emailed his camhs contact to fill them in and request a update.

School is being stupid. Just tell them he's not doing it and if it comes to it he can be sick on the day.

I also agree it does not matter if he has SEN or not for this issue. It might be SEN causing his distress, or it might not. But either way a total over-reaction for the school to force him to do the play.

No child should be forced to be in a stupid play against their wishes. That's barbaric.
Tell them he's not doing it, he's not doing rehearsals, he's not to be involved at all as it's distressed him so much. I feel for him.

Behaviour is communication, this is not "bad behaviour" this is distressed behaviour. He is telling the adults around him that he can't cope with the demands being placed on him.

Thank goodness my son's school were very clear that they would work with the child regardless of diagnosis, if he needs support and alternative arrangements, he needs them, whether he has a diagnosis or not.

You're not in Scotland are you? If you are I'll DM you the policies you can be quoting to them.

I’d speak to them again and tell them that he won’t be taking part in the play.

This isn’t about “rewarding bad behaviour “. He’s having a mental health crisis because of the stress it’s causing him. If he did have a formal diagnosis then giving him an alternative to performing would be a reasonable adjustment.

If the school won’t budge, then I’d be keeping him home on the day of the performance.

As for this: ”The headteacher was concerned about how we will deal with his leavers play, I did firmly point out that given that's over 2 years away we need to deal with this play for now!”

My DC1 finished primary school last year. There were several autistic children in the year group.
Most of them performed with the class, but one of them had a ‘backstage’ role. Presumably because he didn’t want to be performing. He sat at a laptop in a corner, coordinated the videos and music for the show and looked contented with his task.

If the school are still insisting that he has to be in the play I think I would tell him that he needs to continue to do the work in lessons but you will ensure that he doesn't have to be in the play. And then I would not send him to school on play day- he would have a strategic vomiting bug. He would need to keep quiet about not intending to do the play though. If know this is the 'wrong' way to deal with it, but I would be protecting my child's mental health.

Just to add, I think you need to de-escalate this entirely. So I would say to him, you don't like appearing in front of a large crowd. That is fine. Some people love it and some people hate it, different people like different things. School plays are supposed to be fun. The school seem to have forgotten this. So I am going to keep you off school the day of the play.

What you should tell the school will depend on how you think they will react. I would happily lie to protect my DC. But I would also happily tell the truth and say the school are being ridiculous. But my concern, if I told the truth, would be what the teacher then said to my DC.

If I told the truth I would make it clear to the teacher that my DC will never be in a play unless they want to.

Tell your son you will keep him off the day of the play, no matter what. Let him know you have listen and understood how much this is upsetting him. Even if the school change their stance on him being in it, I would still tell him he can be off that day. It's not rewarding bad behaviour is is taking away stress and turmoil for him.

Christmas can often be difficult for children with autism as it is due to music, decor and a change up in school activities. This play is just adding to his stress by the sounds if it.

The school is being ridiculous, it's a bloody play fgs , no one else will care if he's in it or not. I agree with a pp , your poor son is having to resort to dangerous behaviours in order to be heard, do the school know this ?

I think schools and education get a bad press overall but on this occasion I am your team 100%. I see no benefit at all to your DS or the children or school at all to force him on stage. I assume that it’s impossible to have all children on stage why they are trying to force the issue is bizarre. I’m sorry I have no real expertise in this area but just wanted to offer my support.

Can you get in touch with CAMHS and ask to bring forward the meeting you are waiting for, explaining the incidents that you have reported here? Also, be assertive with the school and stress that he is waiting for a diagnosis and that the paediatrician has already said his likely HF Autistic. He is obviously under considerable distress and they are digging their heels in and refusing to 'reward' his 'bad behaviour' thereby torturing him even more. If they don't make accommodations I would keep him off until the play is over.

I don’t think whether he’s autistic or not matters. He’s that upset he ran away from home.

As you’ve said high functioning I’d assume he’ll understand if you tell him just to get on with the rehearsals and you’ll keep him off sick on the day. My child would definitely have a ‘stomach bug’ if they were that unhappy they ran away.

i recognise all of the above @Eyerollforwardroll. My DS has grown out of or effectively masked a lot of the above sensory processing problems.

I’d be fucking furious at their inability to listen and see the pattern of events.

The business of your son locking his dad & sister in in order to run off is something I could imagine DS doing. He must have thought about it beforehand, about how he’d make sure dad didn’t just chase straight after him. It’s really sad how he knows himself what he’s trying to convey, but he can’t get anyone to listen.

He probably wasn’t thinking straight and would not be taking as much care on the road. Really dangerous.☹️

I’d email them - having it in writing is essential - and bullet the timeline of events so that it is clear his behaviour deteriorated as he felt his needs we’re not being listened to.

Don’t ask just make your final paragraph something along the lines of “in view of all of the above, culminating in him putting himself in danger, etc etc, we feel we have no option but to insist, as his parents and the people who know him best, that he is not forced to stand in close proximity to loud singing or bright lights blah blah blah.
Therefore he needs to be given quiet space to work somewhere else in school whilst rehearsals and the performance are taking place.
If there is any question of misbehaviour on these occasions then he will face appropriate sanctions at home.”

What a pair of fucking idiots the SEN lead and HT sound.

Get him a private diagnosis ASAP, that way you will be able to negotiate with the school far more easily. FYI, as a parent who has recently received an ASD assement diagosis for DD, they no longer use the term 'high functioning'.

Exactly this. If a child doesn't want to be in a Christmas play they shouldn't be forced regardless of their needs. I thought schools were strange in the 70s. They're still bloody strange.

I’d be telling the school he isn’t taking part and they don’t have your permission for him to take part in rehearsals or prep. I’ve long since stopped “asking” the school for their permission when my child needs accommodations, needs time off etc, I’m their parent and will make decisions in the best interests of my child. I have a very good relationship with the school and we can usually find a way forward that works for my child but I don’t ask.

Oh and I wouldn’t tell the school either. There’s no way I’d have an unauthorised absence or fine coming my way.

He's not coping, they don't like it, so they are going to make him fit the mould even if they break him in the meantime.

This sounds like a terrible school for him OP, is he generally happy there? I know moving could be very difficult for him but it's got to be worth considering with their attitude. It was about this age that my ds who is also high functioning (please fuck off language police) started to become more obvious and it was fairly clear that his school was clueless. I didn't move him because we didn't really have any other options but he had a horrible class and things only got worse. He was made to take part in sports day despite having dyspraxia and ASD and being very upset about it, it was recommended he sit at the front as he can't filter distractions, they sat him at the back as he's well behaved and that worked better for them. They just were rubbish and extremely defensive if I brought anything up. Primary school SENCO's are generally fairly clueless IMO, they often just don't have the experience. If you find a school with a good one, it's priceless.

I wouldn't lie , I'd keep him off and tell them why. Poor kid.

Of course he should not have to be in the Christmas play. No child should be forced to participate (unless it's drama school).

As someone who teaches kids drama out of school, and also has an autistic child - school is completely out of order.

For one thing, its a school play, not the blinking West End. I absolutely refuse to believe that they don't have other children who'll snap at having extra lines, and what, actually, do they think will happen during the performance? They're hardly going to wrestle him out there and force him at gun point, are they? Best case, he stand on stage and cries.

Refusing to say his lines nicely to show off for his mates is 'bad behavour'.

Your child, diagnosis or no, is so distressed at the thought of this that he's placing himself at serious risk of harm, and the police are involved.

Write to them, summarise the events so far, your conversations and their response. Insist on a written reply.

As for the ' I don't know what we'll do about the leaver's play' line I have no words.

The headteacher and senco's initial response is that this would "reward his poor behaviour"

They really don't understand his difficulties do they!

He isn't playing-up for attention. When in these situations, what they are seeing is the very tip of deep deep distress.

It looks as if they have not had much to do with high-functioning autism. (It isn't on standard teacher-training.)

Who cares what 'they' do or don't use. The OP (and I) find the term useful, so if 'they' don't want to use it that's fine, but we fucking well do. 'They' also don't use Asperger's syndrome any more but that was what ds was diagnosed with before they just decided to lump everyone in together so I'll use that too thanks - even if 'they' don't.

i was never diagnosed with anything but was made to do plays etc in school when i didnt want to-i know have life long anxiety-i thought the days of forcing kids to do things were over

just tell them hes not coming in and you wont be discussing it

My daughter is autistic, she wants no involvement with the Christmas nativity at school either - school have let her come home at rehearsal and performance times, for example I collected her from school 1pm one day they were going to rehearse. Could
this be an option? I more told them this was happening rather than asked by the way. No effect on attendance as she gets her afternoon registration mark.