Things That Shouldn’t Be Said To Children

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

I get quite upset hearing parents deal with sometimes really little children. For example, I was at work & a little girl was dawdling in the shop. Her dad said “ Ok we’ll leave you then”. Heard this so often & how awful for the child who doesn’t understand that the parent wouldn’t actually do that. When I worked as a nanny, one of the Mums used to threaten that “ Beryl” would come & get her 3 year old. I took her on the tube once & she was inconsolable when a woman near us called her friend “ Beryl”. However, it was sweet revenge when the Mum was attempting to dry the little girl’s hair & she was struggling, saying “No, I want Beryl to do it”!
I’ve also heard parents threaten their kids with the police & even that they would send them to hospital if they didn’t behave. Why don’t they think before they speak?

When in a shop, saying this lady/man will tell you off, uncomfortable for the staff when the child looks at them in fear.

I’ve done just about all those things. If you don’t wear your seatbelt and there’s a crash you will end up in hospital and a big policeman will take mummy to jail. Because it’s true.

We have got to keep the therapists in business somehow. Good luck when it’s your kids OP. I’m sure you’ll be perfect.

I didn’t say we’ll leave you but do say we’re going, bye and they always choose to come. Police should be a sign of safety, so that helps nobody.

Oh, I tell my 3 year old all the time I’m going home without her. “Bye, then!” and moving towards the door is the quickest and surest way to get kids to get a move on.

I don’t threaten the police: far more exciting to tell her I’m going to sell her to the circus or give her to the zoo.

Scaring children is an awful thing to do. I am autistic, obviously nobody knew this in the early 80s and I used to be terrified someone would take me away because I had been told it could happen and I fully believed it. Horrible.

Just eat 1 more bite/3 more carrots/the last of the soup.

Ugh negation over bullshit. Seriously, what is 1 more spoon if peas going to do about their hunger levels, apart from show in a battle of control, the strongest person "won" over 8 peas.... big whoop-de-fucking-do.

Plus getting kids to ignore their own hunger/full cues is fucking annoying!

Lol

We used to tell my dd there were bed police who would be paying her a visit if she didn't go to sleep.
My dh would even knock on the front door pretending it was the bed police.

She found out they were made up when she was talking to her friends in high school 😂
Now she is 20, she still laughs about how she believed it.

I don't think she has beeb irretrievably damaged 🤣

"you're fine/ok" when they're crying real tears for whatever reason.

Yeah I used to hate that one when I worked in retail. Manipulative and nasty.

DM often told me I was a 'mistake' when I was child. I think she meant unplanned pregnancy. Very hurtful!

I don't see it as scaring, it's all dependent on how you word it.

Mummy needs to get to (wherever the next place is), you have a choice, you can come with Mummy or stay here, which would you like?

So in effect, move your ass or I'll leave you here. I know I won't leave them but they need to understand the process of life.

Cannot stand those parents who stand dawdling in the shops while their child flat out refuses to leave. You're the adult, act like it.

But what does it achieve?

Apart from the message that "Me, your most trusted person in the entire world, will leave you here alone" and I'm going to scare you into coming with me.

And people wonder why adults around us are fucking arseholes who use manipulation/scare tactics to get what they want, or are emotionally suppressed or whatever. When parents do shit like "aww, mummy is sad you don't want to cuddle me" or "don't cry, it doesn't hurt" or "you're not getting down from table until you eat x" or whatever.

Yeah, it might seem dramatic, but it's all these small things that undermine relationships and cause trust issues etc later in life.

But why negotiate and have one alternative as 'abandonment' or letting them give you an answer you absolutely won't go through with.

Why not go for a more 2 X positive choice of"Mummy needs to get to (wherever the next place is), do you want to race to the car, or shall you walk there? which would you like?"

Then you're not even giving them the option of staying. Because if, in your wording, they choose to stay, then what are you going to do? Make them come anyway....so not giving them a choice, but following through on your 'threat' of leaving them behind, because then you'll have to change your mind, or call their bluff, and "win" by them being scared into coming with you as you walk away. In which case you've taken their 'choice' away from them. And I'd they're still reluctant in coming wit the walking/racing choice, you can still go "I'm going to get there first! I'll race you!"

Or whatever.

I agree, although I do think that tone and delivery play a part. I.e. if the the child is laughing along with you and definitely knows you are bluffing then it could work as a good distraction technique.

I assume you mean in a dismissive way, because I think it depends on tone. A child who has been scared by something being reassuringly told "you're ok" (eg after a nightmare maybe) is different to a tone of "stop making a fuss".

I think context and tone, plus the temperament of the child, are relevant in a lot of these.

Blahburst that was uncalled for. My DD is 13 & of course I wasn’t perfect when she was little. I didn’t mean the hospital & police thing like you said it. I meant parents that threaten to send little kids to hospital as a punishment if they misbehave or say that the police will take them away. What you posted was completely different.

I know am a terrible parent because I've said a few of these. One more spoon because my toddler hardly ate so in my thinking 3-4 teaspoons were better than nothing. If I depended on him knowing his hunger cues he would eat nothing the whole day or only drink 50 ml of milk. No kidding. Paeds and Surestart offered no advice
And I sometimes say " we are going/leaving. Bye" because otherwise they will go the other direction or just stop and refuse to come with. Won't negotiate.
I do know these are not great but I have looked and I have no other tools. Lately been looking for positive parenting solutions.But for now that's all I can do (I've largely given up on the one more spoon cos he is 4 now but at 2 I just couldn't). May be I should just call social services on myself.

Off to the terrible parents club now.

Of your examples I have to confess when my 4 year old is dawdling I’ve said ‘ok bye then’ and walked a little down the road…and she keeps asking to stay at home while I pick up baby from nursery and I’ve said, I can’t as it’s illegal and the police will tell me off! Bad parent!

My friend's mother used to say to her "Your real mammy is in jail, and if you're naughty, you'll get sent to her!" My friend would start sobbing and say " No, I want you for my mammy..."

When DS had one of his vaccines there was a loud ‘health visitor’ type person there. The injection was done by a proper nurse.

DS cried when the needle went in. He was about three. It hurt.

She got right in his face and told him he had to have it because otherwise he’d get ill and end up in hospital.

I still have no idea she was there. Did the doctor’s office employ her to stand there and scare children?

I told her exactly what I thought of her.

Using Father Christmas/Elf on a shelf as a threat. I absolutely hate that.
'Santa won't bring you xxx if you aren't good' Just no. Keep Xmas a simple happy celebration and don't use it as a bribe!

I have done the "shall we walk or jump to the car?..... Hey let's see whether it's still raining! We can jump in the puddles.... Let's see how many doors there are on the way out". And then 20 mins later have found myself saying "okay well I'll be at home when you're ready to join me". Because I'm human and I'm tired and sometimes WE JUST HAVE TO LEAVE. So far, child appears not to be totally scarred by this but I'll bear in mind for when I have to visit him in Wormwood Scrubs and explain to the parole board why he's gone off the rails.

It's widely acknowledged that good parenting is about being warm, positive, loving and boundaried in order to make children feel safe and loved and secure. You don't have to be perfect 100% of the time. There is a very long way between the occasional misstep of not communicating in a totally gentle parenting manner and the infliction of permanent psychological harm.

DD's nursery told her that the burglar alarm is a camera where Santa is watching their behaviour to see if they are good or bad. Grim.

I always say "Well I'm off anyway" and walk on when DS is dawdling or trying to get me to buy something and I have said no. Not only do I think there is nothing wrong with it, I think it is much more sensible than trying to reason with a child who is digging their heels in.

Do you actually have any children OP?