Things That Shouldn’t Be Said To Children

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

I get quite upset hearing parents deal with sometimes really little children. For example, I was at work & a little girl was dawdling in the shop. Her dad said “ Ok we’ll leave you then”. Heard this so often & how awful for the child who doesn’t understand that the parent wouldn’t actually do that. When I worked as a nanny, one of the Mums used to threaten that “ Beryl” would come & get her 3 year old. I took her on the tube once & she was inconsolable when a woman near us called her friend “ Beryl”. However, it was sweet revenge when the Mum was attempting to dry the little girl’s hair & she was struggling, saying “No, I want Beryl to do it”!
I’ve also heard parents threaten their kids with the police & even that they would send them to hospital if they didn’t behave. Why don’t they think before they speak?

"Come on we are going now".

" I don't want to"
" Yes I can see that, it is difficult to leave something/ somewhere you are enjoying"
"I'm not coming"
" I am afraid you have to or we will miss the bus/be late for school/ leave our friends waiting for us"

Calm, factual acknowledging their thoughts and feelings.

…
‘I don’t care, I want to stay at home…’
’I understand you want to stay at home, but…’

Half an hour later… misses bus, late for school, friends have indeed, ironically, left without you for being late and won’t be arranging plans with you again because you’re because your busy fannying around ‘acknowledging feelings’ when you need to leave the house.

I think I would have preferred her to just put food out at mealtimes and leave me to it and just engage in normal tea time chat and not make everything about my lack of eating. I used to have tea at my friends house and eat and try different things because they just left us alone and never made a big deal. They’d even say just leave anything you don’t want, and I’d eat what my body needed and everything was so much more relaxed. My mum would often be amazed to hear what I had tried or eaten at my friends house. She couldn’t put two and two together and realise that she was causing the problem.
I think she was so paranoid that I wasn’t getting enough food or nutrients to grow, but the reality is I was eating enough for my body and my body obviously didn’t need that much and was functioning fine on what I ate. I was a very lively and active child, certainly not lacking in energy.

"I'll send you to boarding school"
Used to hate it. Now I could laugh as there's no way they could afford it but a child wouldn't know that.

My kid is stubborn as all hell. The “I’m off then, bye!” Gets said pretty often. Mainly to get out of soft play/toy shop. I genuinely don’t think we’d ever leave otherwise. She doesn’t seem too scarred by it. Still doesn’t come when asked.

I assume she has a compliant child naturally, or no children at all.
Most children reach the stage where all that is not enough and they still say no. So you then either become the parent that tries for an hour or more to persuade a child to come, or you resort to slightly stronger tactics.
I have seen the former approach. I am not spending an hour trying to persuade a reluctant child to leave a playground.

And then if they continue hitting you???

I’ve never seen a parent doing something with their child suddenly turn round and say ‘bye im
going then’. They’ve done the explanation, negotiation etc and now need action. Are you suggesting that you just explain and then accept whatever they choose to do? Natural consequence of refusing to leave when your parent has explained why it needs to happen is that you get left behind. Because you can’t control everyone around you. I don’t think that’s a bad lesson and if the child is loved and attached to the parent it’s very doubtful that they believe that it will actually happen (not sure it’s always effective because of this but that’s another debate!). Things that criticise the child and make them feel unwanted like ‘you were a mistake’ are totally different to expecting certain behaviour

I sometimes told dd I’d throw her to the lions, obviously because there were no lions I never thought it was a serious threat.
It backfired terribly when we visited a zoo. As an adult she told me that as a dc she was scared it may happen.
Dc take things literally.

So I would (and do) always, always leave a good 20 minutes contingency especially with young children so would very likely get the next bus, be 10 minutes late rather 30. Hard to argue for 30 minutes with someone who isn't arguing back. So much of this can be avoided by giving everybody enough time to process requests and not necessitating rushing.

So we needed to be at primary school 15 minutes away by 8:45. (gates closed at 8:55) I would aim to leave at 8:20. We generally got there a couple of minutes before the gates opened, but even on those days things didn't go well we still got there on time.

I really don't think acting like an adult involves bullying and threatening a toddler.

I wouldn't threaten my mother with being left behind if she didn't move as fast as I would like, or my friends, so I'm not going to do it to a small child. Especially not my own child, who's emotional well-being I'm strongly invested in.

Perhaps people need to realise that their child might eat without issues, behave well, sleep or whatever because they’re lucky. They could use any number of methods and still be successful. It’s not always the case that you’re doing it right just because your child doesn’t have problems. If you look at evidence based treatment for eating, sleeping, behaviour etc what you’re doing might not be the best thing for other children

And then if they continue hitting you???

Nothing works first time all the time. By year 5 DS wasn't expressing himself physically. Obviously the first thing to do is remove yourself from the situation.

By year 5?! That’s clearly ineffective parenting then isn’t if. I would expect a child over 3 to be hitting anyone.

@Haycorns4Piglet This was me. Community health nurses ignored me even when I broke down crying (didnt even check if I had PND or was struggling). GP ignored me. Went private with no answers after several tests, and was given same old advice: add cream, add oil to food etc. He still didnt eat. Would I have been better letting him starve?
Second child hardly sleeps. Around 6 months I sought GP help. She averaged 4 hours sleep in 24 hours (not kidding). The referral came back to me when she was 18 months. I was rugged. No real tests done except being given piriton. Her problem was staying asleep. She just wants to jump around 24 hours a day. So sometimes in the day when they are both pushing boundaries, the super exhaused me yells. The last 4 years have aged me beyond belief. My health has taken a hit from lack of sleep and non-stop stress. I still love them and we enjoy many many moments together. But sometimes I yell and sometimes I used "threats" : I am going. If you dont do this, I will... whatever. Hopefully they will still be well adjusted, compassionate happy adults in spite of having the non-Mumsnet mum like me

Hahaha ever had a belligerent three year old? That convo would go like this:
"I'm afraid you will have to or we will miss the bus / be late for school/ leave our friends waiting for us"
"Don't care"
"Come on please, we need to go"
"No"
And so and so forth.
You cannot cajole, reason, or plead with a three/ four or five year old.

Am off to get you a medal

“I want never gets.”

In the playground I gave a 10 minute then 5 minute warning, given by holding the relevant number of fingers up. So "we need to go now" wasn't a shock and again would aim to leave a good 10 minutes before we needed to.

Yes DS was truly challenging.

Half an hour later… misses bus, late for school, friends have indeed, ironically, left without you for being late and won’t be arranging plans with you again because you’re because your busy fannying around ‘acknowledging feelings’ when you need to leave the house.

Haha, quite. I'm often found acknowledging feelings whilst ramming a wellie boot on a foot.

I know, it would be fun (left boot) if we could play some more, (right boot), you don't want to get in the car (swerve a flailing arm), that's tough (throw child under arm and depart) .

I have a high tolerance for dicking about and am a fairly soft parent (to my reasonably gentle child) but really, sometimes life simply has to happen and she'll simply have to find a way to deal with that.

With absolutely no fucking thanks to Bluey and her useless parents. That one episode where her dad is leaving for work and doesn't? No. That was the end of our Bluey journey.

As I said acknowledge thier feelings then withdraw attention.
Leave yourself plenty of time
Don't get drawn
It's not easy but elaborate threats are either terrifying or ineffective, bit like smacking really.

I know, it would be fun (left boot) if we could play some more, (right boot), you don't want to get in the car (swerve a flailing arm), that's tough (throw child under arm and depart) .

I have a high tolerance for dicking about and am a fairly soft parent (to my reasonably gentle child) but really, sometimes life simply has to happen and she'll simply have to find a way to deal with that.
Sounds like our parenting strategies were similar.

I threaten my children with having to go live in the neighbours, even the 4yr old just laughs or plays along. We used to tell #3 (who was always a handful) from the age of about 2 every time we heard a siren it was the police coming for her. She knew we were taking the piss but eventually lost it at us and we’ve never done it since. We don’t tease sensitive #2, she doesn’t like it. #1 (who is an absolute legend of a child) is told regularly he’s fired from the family because he won’t hug his mum. Sometimes when I need something done I say whoever does it first is my favourite and they all sprint and knock each other over to do the job.

My kids are made eat X more bites. 95% of the time they are just refusing and will lean on snacks later. Sometimes the agreed on 1-15 more bites means they’ve finished their dinner. If they look like it’s upsetting them then 1 more bite achieves quite a lot in terms of them realising dinner is not negotiable or a snack to pick and choose at.

I’ve rolled my eyes at yet another crash into the door and tears. And told them they are fine and been dismissive. At worst it’s a not amazing parenting moment, at best it’s teaching them that they are responsible for making themselves feel better and the world won’t stop turning every time they do something they were told not to and ended up getting hurt.

I see some of their friends and the level of preciousness is not healthy in my opinion but that’s up to their parents. It’s not what I want for my kids who so far are doing really great, display all the characteristics of being well adjusted and independent, open, caring, thoughtful. And one thing I’m certain of is that for all our shit parenting moments (and some that people here perceive as shit but we are fine with) they know they are unconditionally loved.

I’m going to use “don’t be uppity” on my DC, a new one for the repertoire!

Leave plenty of time does not work in a lot of circumstances. At a play date, if I spent 20 minutes negotiating and cajoling and withdrawing my attention from my child whilst removing all toys in the vicinity to make it an uninteresting environment - in someone else’s house - then I would not expect to be invited back. I absolutely do the 10 minute, 5 minute, 2 minute warning thing. And then, when we need to leave, I expect them to leave and no, I don’t give them options.

Yes but threatening to leave them at the playmate is hardly going to effective is it ?
Why can't you help the host tidy up the toys ?
Good non verbal prompt.