Things That Shouldn’t Be Said To Children

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

I get quite upset hearing parents deal with sometimes really little children. For example, I was at work & a little girl was dawdling in the shop. Her dad said “ Ok we’ll leave you then”. Heard this so often & how awful for the child who doesn’t understand that the parent wouldn’t actually do that. When I worked as a nanny, one of the Mums used to threaten that “ Beryl” would come & get her 3 year old. I took her on the tube once & she was inconsolable when a woman near us called her friend “ Beryl”. However, it was sweet revenge when the Mum was attempting to dry the little girl’s hair & she was struggling, saying “No, I want Beryl to do it”!
I’ve also heard parents threaten their kids with the police & even that they would send them to hospital if they didn’t behave. Why don’t they think before they speak?

Yes, but you are allowed to say 'no' to the Lego playing at meal times.
Eg, just ask them to sit at the table until dinner is finished and then they can play Lego.

They may well eat anyway, they may not.

Yes, adults need to be in control, of course. And yes, there are times to pick your battles.

But making them eat the amount you have decided is wrong imo. I might remind them that they might be hungry very quickly etc if they don't eat now, or whatever. But I won't 'cajole' or bribe or negotiate with any child into eating food.

Wow, what helpful anecdata. 🙄. How reassuring that someone who claims to work with “traumatised adults” doesn’t believe that being threatened with abandonment can have any ill effects. Amazing

I honestly think dc are more resilient than to be effected by all this. My dad actually forgot me a couple of times in shops. Actually got home without realising until my mum laid into him about where I was. Can't say I actually forget my own dc but it hasn't affected me.

So what would you say ?
" we are going because I say so and I am bigger and stronger than you " ?

And as for Father Christmas won't be happy if you're naughty.
Well that was an absolute life saver for me when my dc were little. At least two solid months of excellent behaviour before Christmas. We laugh now because they're old enough to know he's not real but I still say it !

My mother often used to tell me she wished I'd never been born. I grew up feeling my parents never loved me and believing I was so horrible that no-one else would ever love me either.

Please, please do not say this to your children.

@00100001

Guess you haven't had a child/young adult with an eating disorder. You have to use every trick in the book. Currently dd (food avoidance not anorexia) is bribed to eat with custard tarts, trips to yo sushi and money to see her boyfriend, I'm not kidding when I say she just doesn't eat unless made to do so

Honestly get a life. I’m an EMDR therapist and I work with really actual trauma. It’s actually pathetic that you think techniques used by 90% of the population is anything near what actual trauma is.
I tell you who I do see a lot of too. Children raised by anxious, neurotic parents who worry about stuff like this and end up raising adults with zero resilience, severe anxiety and having to learn these skills as an adult because these boundaries and life skills were not taught in childhood.

But making them eat the amount you have decided is wrong imo. I might remind them that they might be hungry very quickly etc if they don't eat now, or whatever. But I won't 'cajole' or bribe or negotiate with any child into eating food.

And when they then are hungry later on you make them something else? Represent their uneaten dinner? Tell them that’s a consequence of not eating their meal and let them go hungry?

Eating and motivators for eating are complex in children, it’s not as simple as “I’m full and don’t want any more”, there can be many other things at play which need a variety of approaches depending on the causes and the impact on the child of not eating.

despite your protests you are 100% being judgy. I don’t understand how you think you’re not being

Well you sound lovely, but I’m not going to engage with you anymore, as you’re more aggressive and argumentative than I’m interested in. 👍🏻

What's wrong with a child knowing the adult who is in charge of them is actually in charge?

It doesn't have to involve violence or intimidation.

IME, all this negotiating, particularly when they are young and can't process too much language, just creates even more of a stand off.

I think this is a great thread and has sparked a very interesting debate.

Sometimes parents need to get stuff done and sometimes other children need to be looked after so they cannot pander to the needs of one child only.

I have never told my child "OK, I'll leave you here then", but I have said to them "If you don't come now, you can sit on this bench for the next two hours and your daddy will collect you later when he is free". Completely empty threat and no doubt awful parenting but we had a doctor's appointment for another child to get to which we couldn't miss.

'little girls should be seen and not heard' also 'deadhead' divpot'
My Dad had sole corkers 'I wish you'd never been born', you wouldn't last 5 minutes down King's Cross, and 'I know I'm going to die soon, but I promise I'll take you with me slut"
the last 2 were by text, I was 18 I think,so not quite a child!

Well my children are screwed then. Oh no wait they’re adults.

Many children test boundaries by not coming when you want them to, by telling them that you’re going regardless gets them out of the door at the same time as you so no one is abandoning their children. If they don’t move, at age 3 or 4 if I said I was going and they weren’t with me by the time I got to the door I would go and pick them up and carry them out. It’s not a negotiation, if we have to be somewhere for a certain time we are getting there on time. And guess what happened as they got older, they would be ready for when we needed to leave.

I never made them finish their dinner as my father used to do that with me but they knew that there would be nothing else until the next meal if they didn’t finish their breakfast/lunch/dinner some people may disagree with this but they eat anything, are a regular weight and have no issues with food or eating disorders.

If they hit us there would be a consequence, either the naughty step time out type of thing or their favourite toy confiscated for a day. They have never laid a finger on us since they were a toddler.

If they stormed off upstairs, I would get them back downstairs so we could resolve the problem. I would not tolerate sulking/silent treatment as it solves nothing.

DD slammed her bedroom door once, I told her how dangerous it is and that if she ever slammed it again it would come off it’s hinges for a week, she never slammed it again.

Actions have consequences in life and childhood is no exception.

I make no claims that my parenting style would work for everyone and I am by no means the perfect parent but it has worked for us. We have raised two loving children into adulthood who are respectful, well adjusted, independent and empathetic. We all get on and if they ever have a problem they come straight to us. We are extremely proud of both of them.

I threatened the naughty boys home in a few desperate attempts to avert the inevitable telling-off/melt down cycle with my 4 year old.

Sometimes all this lovely kind reasoning just achieves absolutely nothing except a total disrespect towards you and a feeling that your parenting is out of controil.

If you think that’s aggressive then perhaps you would benefit from some resilience skills workshops 👍🏻

It is sometimes very hard to know what to do. I wish it were easy. But it's hard.

You'd guess wrong if you think our lives haven't been touched by eating disorders .

Because us parents aren't perfect and we tend to say all the things that was said to us as kids and our kids will grow up to hate us for it as we did with our own parents. Then our children will have their own kids and repeat the cycle x forever

it's interesting how the notion of trauma is applied and how different people are affected by different stressors to become traumatised.
I come from a country where 30 years ago we hosted refugees with stories no one would believe but they actually happened. About 10 years later (with famines in between) HIV/AIDS swept through communities. Children entering their teens lost both parents, uncles, neighbours and became parents themselves. These have now grown up as adults into a world where economic reforms and globalization means they have no jobs or work two, three jobs. Yet few of these would constantly refer to their trauma. And certainly few if any would think your mum saying one more spoon when you haven't eaten "enough" is so traumatising you carry it throughout life.

Not saying all who experienced what am talking about are ok. Just saying Different strokes for different folks. Very very different strokes

Depends what the dinner is tbh.

Food is not a punishment or a reward in this house. So no, I wouldn't present a plate of cold, congealed food and make a kid eat that, but if its say chicken salad, then yes, I'll tell them there's dinner left if they're hungry, and give them their salad back. Otherwise I'd give them some food, yes. Why would I make them go hungry? what does that achieve? Apart from a power play to say "I'm on absolute control".

Look at it this way, if you decided you were full of your dinner, but your DH had decided you hadn't eaten enough in his opinion. And a couple of hours later you got up to make snack and he prevented you from getting food, because "You should have eaten more at dinner" and now have to go hungry until Morning... is that OK? Or is it not ok?

If you went to get food, he might reasonably comment "oh, I put your leftovers in the fridge if you want them" or you might do that yourself, assuming it was suitable dish for leftovers. You might also have a cookie. and that's OK too

My colleague told his kids the music on the ice cream van meant they’d run out! 😂🫢

Food is not a punishment or a reward in this house.

Its not in mine either, nor is it a battle ground, nor are my kids forced to eat when they’ve clearly eaten enough for them. They are encouraged to eat something which for one of mine is a very real struggle - I’d be neglectful if I didn’t make efforts to ensure he had some kind of nutrition across the day and sometimes that means making his favourite meal, sometimes it means distracting him so he eats without thinking and sometimes it means two more bites and you can leave the table. No tears, no tantrums, no over powering and no fighting.

The comparison with your partner isn’t really relevant. As an adult I’ve built healthy eating patterns, I have a balanced approach to food and a good sense of whether I’m eating for hunger or boredom. As an adult I can make an informed choice.

My kids are still developing those skills and it’s my job as a parent to set and reinforce boundaries, to develop good routines around food and primarily to ensure they get enough nutrition for healthy growth and development. It’s not something they can self manage yet.