Things That Shouldn’t Be Said To Children

[SunshineLollipopsAndRainbows]

I get quite upset hearing parents deal with sometimes really little children. For example, I was at work & a little girl was dawdling in the shop. Her dad said “ Ok we’ll leave you then”. Heard this so often & how awful for the child who doesn’t understand that the parent wouldn’t actually do that. When I worked as a nanny, one of the Mums used to threaten that “ Beryl” would come & get her 3 year old. I took her on the tube once & she was inconsolable when a woman near us called her friend “ Beryl”. However, it was sweet revenge when the Mum was attempting to dry the little girl’s hair & she was struggling, saying “No, I want Beryl to do it”!
I’ve also heard parents threaten their kids with the police & even that they would send them to hospital if they didn’t behave. Why don’t they think before they speak?

Agree in theory.

In practice it's a whole different ballgame.

Kids can be bloody difficult. Would be lovely to be able to dawdle about all day waiting for a child to decide they want to do something. In reality, there are things to do and places to go and kids need to go with the adult.

If there was another alternative, that worked, in an acceptable timeframe, I'm pretty sure parents would use it. I know I would.

I've stayed home before instead of taking kids somewhere, because they are just so difficult. It's not always an option and it's not always fair on them. For example, a visit to the park. Can be incredibly stressful when it's time to leave because they just scatter and refuse to come home. So occasionally, if I can't face it, we've stayed home instead. Other times, we've gone, and I've had to use a tactic like you are describing to get them to leave.

Overall, it worked out better for them that we went, despite the "scare" tactic used
to get them home.

No harm in telling them the truth. We've told them that if we can't concentrate in the car, we could have an accident. These are not empty threats, but the truth.

I intervene if I think it's really bad. This horrible granny was saying terrible things to her granddaughter when we were sat in a cafe the other day and then lied and said to the little girl that she'd kicked and hurt me when she was playing up which she absolutely hadn't. Plus she really wasn't playing up. She was just reacting to the way she was being treated. I smiled and said to the little girl isn't your granny so silly we can all see you didn't hurt me at all, you were nowhere near me and not being naughty. Silly granny. She was raging. Such a cow.

All a bit judgey, really.

There was a little statue that used to be in our dining room. I remember it being used to 'call the boggie man' that got me to shut up! I genuinely thought it was a direct line for a long time.

My four year old also kept putting her heavy coat over the babies head in the back of the car, not forcibly, just placing it there, think she was trying to play. I said never never do that otherwise she could suffocate and die 🙈🤷‍♀️. Bit harsh and scary but felt it was necessary and she didn’t do it again. I did explain gently afterwards and say it wasn’t her fault but just not to do it again

It just doesn’t always work like that though. You can’t always pick them up and move them. You might be carrying another child, bags, pushing a trolley, etc etc. Sure, in the airport example I’ve given, you can put everything else down to move the child out of the way, but you can’t then carry them all the way down the ramp onto the plane, or all round the supermarket, or home from the park or wherever, if you’ve got other stuff - which is often the case (and certainly was when I personally used “Bye see you later”.)

As a pp said, this type of technique has usually already followed the sort of firm, authoritative reasoning you’ve suggested, after that has already been met with ‘No’ . My dc1 responded well to your type of firm, authoritative reasoning and I rarely had to resort to anything else. Dc2 on the other hand could take bloody mindedness to Olympic sport level. Nice for you that you had three of the compliant variety.

I had no appetite as a child and my mum used to threaten that I’d have to go into hospital and be fed through a drip. I was terrified because I would eat what I could at meal times but I really had no appetite at all and I was in constant fear of being put in hospital. I didn’t even eat sweets or snacks, so I wasn’t being naughty or fussy, I just never felt hungry. She also used to force me to eat. I couldn’t leave the table until I’d eaten 3 or 4 more bites, that sort of thing. It made mealtimes a major cause of stress for me and I’d feel sick at meal times and hated it. She was an amazing mum in other ways, but she got that bit so wrong.

It wasn't meant to be a personal attack 💐I'm sorry that you struggled with your DC.

What do parents who rely on empty threats do when their DC is too old to care/believe them?

If I hadn’t had you my life would be better.

I wish I hadn’t had any of you.

'kin hell. No context whatsoever is available when you hear a passing snapshot of a conversation.

This weekend alone to my 10 year old

• I swear to God I'm going to throw you out a window if you don't do xyz now
• Ohhh I could just roast your pet rabbit and eat her
• I will smack you with this hair brush in a minute
• I'll poke you in your eye again
• Get yourself here, now, or there will be consequences.
• god, you're the most annoying 10 year old ever.

Two in public, the rest at home. Only one of them was said with any kind of frustration or even anger (second to last).

Funnily enough, because a)she knows me, b)understands context c)knows there is as much chance of me throwing her out of a window as there is of my picking a spider up, she just laughs and rolls her eyes AND THEN DOES WHAT SHES BEEN ASKED TO DO.

People need to relax.

If a child is surrounded by love and security then those times you do say a flippant comment that perfect Pete parents don't like...it will do the grand total of fuck all damage.

Fuck. All.

You know what does damage kids? When they're not surrounded by love and security, and the love they do get is haphazard and insecure. That's when the comments matter.

It's all balance.

It's in the tone of voice, e.g. the man I heard telling his kid he'd smack him if he didn't hurry up - you could hear the truth of that statement in his voice. The man I heard telling his daughter that if she didn't come he was leaving her...nope, no truth there. Just impatience and the need to be doing something else.

Children aren't god's, and they need to understand there is a time and place for all things. And other people matter.

@JustFrustrated all of that in one weekend? Yeah I will judge.

@JustFrustrated
The fact that you’re swearing at strangers on a website makes me think you might be more difficult in person than you imagine.

Very refreshing to see an entirely normal person on here!

Yep.

The rabbit comment, we were snuggling her on the floor and she was all warm and fluffy. Following a previous conversation about how some countries do eat rabbit, and I said I couldn't imagine ever doing it.

Smacking her with the hair brush, I was doing her a style she'd seen and she kept wiggling and it kept dropping out my hand.

Poke her in the eye, see above.

Youre the most annoying 10 year old ever - she kept hiding and making me jump, again, smiling as I said it.

See, context. If you can't joke around with your kids, says way more about you.

Proved my entire point, I made statements and removed ALL context, which is what happens in supermarkets/passing people in the street.

@JustFrustrated Erm ok, why so hostile.

I think relationship and context are everything - if the relationship is usually nurturing and supportive being authoritative when you need to be does not harm.

Parents are also human and have their limits, my kids need to know there are times they need to behave in a particular way. I’m not about to play games when they really do need to get their coats on and go to school, I’m not going to walk like a dinosaur or persuade them they need to do it, because it’s a daily part of life and non-negotiable. Other things I’m happy to be playful and persuasive with, I’m not heavy handed but they need to know when I say X I really do mean it.

My mother used to threate to put me in a childrens home.

She actually did it quite often when she was sectioned. The threat would have been she wouldn’t put me into care.

I loved being in care.

I agree about the police. We need to teach kids they can look to them for help, not be be scared of them. Ditto hospital.

The "bye now" thing is completely different in my mind. If it were done vindictively then yes, it might be upsetting, but mostly it's pretty benign. My DC saw straight through the 2 choices thing from very young, and I expect many others do too. By all means try that but many people will need something else in their arsenal when they're doing a couple of school runs a day, on a deadline, with a toddler who wants to stop and look at a hundred different things every trip.

One more bite also seems pretty benign to me, and a world away from making DC finish plates. I do hate one more bite repeated x15 until it's all gone. Stop changing the rules, give your child more credit.

Indeed. If I explained it like that and moved by two year old DC out of the way, She would kick up a fuss and say Stop it mummy. Now if I persistent while she said stop it, I would also be told I am a bad parent for not listening to her, no?
My parents were definitely not perfect and by MN standards, they would be serving a life sentence in jail. But we are all generally well adjusted happy adults despite the many obstacles we have and continue to face in life. So they may have done some things right after all.

So true

I think you are worrying in necessarily.

Out of interest what do you think she should have done differently? My nephew has real issues with feeding and his parents force him (on the advice of a child nutritionist!) which I absolutely hate and can see giving him life-long phobias around food, but the alterative is what, let your child starve? With hindsight what do you think would have been the answer for you?

As an adult I don’t trust the police a jot! While I don’t necessarily think I need to teach my DC that the police are institutionally racist and misogynist and to be tremendously wary of the lot of them, I’m not bothered about teaching them they’re a source of great safety either. There’s a balance.

Telling young children that there’s no Father Christmas.

I would like to be able to inflict very painful piles on any joyless, miserable bitch or bastard who does this. 🎄😈