14 yo planning to have sex

[VashtaNerada]

So we’ve just found out our 14 yo is planning to have sex with her boyfriend. She’s young and stupid and absolutely
not ready for it.
Can someone please talk me down and give me ideas of what to say to her? Right now I want to lock her in a tower for the next three years without any contact with the outside world but understand there might be a better way to handle it!!

How did you find out?

Messages on her phone

First, get her on the pill or implant, and explain the importance of condoms and that coldsores can pass herpes virus to genitals etc

Secondly, talk to her about the risks of pregnancy even with contraception, about how she will feel if he ends the relationship after sex compared to now, about how she will feel if he tells everyone at school etc.

Don't go crazy or hysterical. Most important thing is keeping communication open. Validate her feelings. Listen to her.

Ouch. Do you know the boyfriends parents? How old is he? Have they said where they plan this if she's going for sleepovers?

Its hard as teenagers can be very difficult. Safe sex, consent and a pregnancy is a must.

Is her BF the same age? 14 is very young, I would reach out to the other parents. Do you have a partner to discuss this with?

Same age and although we don’t have contact with parents we could ask for their number actually. DH was the one who found the messages and is very upset so I’ve said we should sleep on it and plan what to say to her tomorrow evening.

Unless you drop her off at school and pick her up from school, she'll find a way if she's determined. If she says she's out with other friends, or at the shop for a few hours, this will most likely be a cover... most likely you won't be able to stop her... Guys at that age are pushy and will say anything (I'm not sure that ever really changes!).

Maybe explain your past, tell her how you know guys convince girls, the warning signs, the repercussions of losing it the first time to someone that may dump you, the cost of children... does she have ambitions?- so much harder with kids! Has he been faithful? Diseases...

Kids these days have such a diminished consideration for diseases because HIV is pretty much over, but they still exist... don't let her fall for the 'no sensation' line the guys use (despite it actually being true...). I might be saying completely the wrong thing... these are just ideas!

Does she know you have had access to her phone? If not, broaching the subject will open up a whole new can of worms and she'll likely feel violated and even less willing to share these details with you.

this must be so hard for you. I had sex for the first time aged 14, and nothing would have stopped me. I think you should bear that in mind, as pp has pointed out you can’t be with her all the time and she will find a way. I would encourage having a proper conversation with her about sex and contraception - getting too authoritative and controlling is not the way, unless you want her to do it without your knowledge and take risks. Not sure how your husband found the messages but just be careful she doesn’t hugely hold that against you. I’d be inclined to not disclose that part, unless she knows you review her phone.

I think the best thing to do is try not to be judgmental, advise her to wait but make sure she has access to contraceptives and that she knows she can talk to you if she needs to. Whatever you do don’t be angry with her, this will shut down all communication and trust she has with you.

It is intrusive of your husband or anyone for that matter opening private messages between your daughter and her boyfriend and then wanting to speak with her about her sex life and have a nosey in, its none of your business, those are personal boundaries you dont cross, theres something very off about you thinking its ok to do that. Teenagers of that age definitely know about sex and contraception, they know how babies are made, they know about cheating, and diseases. They will have found out everything they didnt know for themselves, its not your place to speak to them about that sort of thing, theyve reached puberty, physically theyd be having families, its a very new thing that they dont now. Im shocked I have to tell you, keep your nose out of it.

And the prize for the most idiotic, uneducated and ill informed post goes to @eelieza

And a grandmother at 30?

"physically they'd be having families"

That poster actively wants 14 year olds to be getting pregnant. 🤢

Absolute weirdo.

@VashtaNerada

I’m inclined to agree with you, 14 is way too young. But having 6 boys before having a daughter, yes, I agree with @C1N1C that boys of that age always have their eyes on the prize! (1 of mine had sex at 14, one at 15, one at 18 and my two youngest kids (1 boy and 1 girl) haven’t had sex yet and are aged 18 and 17.)

So, with that in mind, what can you do?

Well, talking to kids about sex is easier now, because you have the internet.

A police force in the UK released a video about sex using tea as an analogy. You could start off with watching that with her, either the two of you or with the boyfriend.

You could probably also find videos on YouTube where young single mothers speak about the difficulties of being a mum so young.

Ask your daughter (and maybe her boyfriend)what her/his aspirations are.

Do they want to go to university? How does that look with a baby?

Do they understand that no contraception is 100% effective and that babies happen when they happen?

Do they understand about allergies to some condoms that mean that the condom won’t be effective in preventing pregnancy?

Are they aware that syphillis, gonorrhoea and herpes are on the rise?

Is your daughter aware of the link between early sexual activity and cancer of the womb, cervix, ovaries?

Is she aware that chlamydia can be symptomless in females but make them infertile?

Does she understand about HPV? Pubic lice? HIV/AIDS?

Of course you don’t want to scare them but ya know, you absolutely must make your DD aware of these things, if not her boyfriend. And who started this conversation about sex? Him or her?

I would also make a list of all the things a baby needs. Everything. And ask them how they envisage paying for all of this? Have either of them got jobs? Where would they live if they have a baby?

The above probably feels like overkill, but reasonably, teen pregnancies are on the rise in the UK and one has to wonder if sex has become a form of entertainment for kids!

It’s hard to think about your children having sex (I think the stork delivered my grandchildren), just as it’s hard to think about your parents having sex but you will both (you and your DH) get through this 🌹

Thank you everyone, this has been extremely helpful. I have till tonight to formulate what our conversation is going to be!

And there’s the photos problem.

Hi op, I'm curious about the messages when you say she was planning- did she mention birth control or contraception? If she did then I wouldn't necessarily call her young and stupid although I can understand why that would absolutely be your knee jerk reaction. I think you need to sit down with her and be honest about looking through her phone, explain why you did that in the first place. Then I'd say that you saw the messages and you understand that you cannot lock her away in a tower as much as you might want to right now, but you can help her decide if the time is right and that she is as safe as she can be if she decides to go ahead with it. Then talk her through contraception and consent and her motivation for having sex in the first place. I would also ask her how she'd feel if her bf told other people they had done it and I'd remind her of the dangers of taking photos/ videos etc because those can travel.

I hate to say it but if she's really determined she will find a way and she just won't tell you. So the better you handle this (the more understanding, caring and non judgemental you are) the more chance she'll open up to you and see that you're talking it through because you love her not to embarrass or stop her. You need her to make her own decision here so she feels informed, and ready and sure it's the right person who she can trust.

I hope that you do not encourage your 14 year old child to go on the pill or have an implant.

You should be able encouraging her and supporting her to abstain not fill her young body with synthetic hormones.

www.newscientist.com/article/mg23130814-300-the-unknown-effect-of-the-pill-on-teenage-bones-and-brains/

What the ??! She is a 14 year old child . Absolutely fine to check her phone and should be done to protect her . Christ .