14 yo planning to have sex

[VashtaNerada]

So we’ve just found out our 14 yo is planning to have sex with her boyfriend. She’s young and stupid and absolutely
not ready for it.
Can someone please talk me down and give me ideas of what to say to her? Right now I want to lock her in a tower for the next three years without any contact with the outside world but understand there might be a better way to handle it!!

Is she definitely likely to go through with it?
Absolutely have a chat with her but I’d go along with boys and entertain it sometimes over text. I didn’t do anything further than kissing with anyone until I was in my 20s despite having boyfriends beforehand.

First of all OP calm down!

Seriously. You need to be the type of parent that she can talk to without judging her or making her feel embarrassed. I lost my virginity at 14 to who I pathetically thought was the love of my life because my mother was an abusive narcissist who I would never have been able to talk to about anything.

Talk to her like an adult without making her feel silly or stupid. Tell her you understand her reasons and feelings and you won’t stand in her way as-long as she talks about safety and protection for both of them, don’t make him out to be the evil one. If she feels supported and not rebellious there’s a high chance she won’t go through with it

That post has creepy vibes. No good parent would make that post.

You really believe no 14 yo believed crap like you can't get pregnant on your first time, standing up, etc, or once his cock is hard he has to (have help to) get off else it hurts him, or of course all the girls suck off their bfs or of course she's a prude if she says no or of course that's how all the girls like it (in porn)?

I can only presume YOU are 14 if yo u think kids are so world aware

Firstly I'd take the phone off her.
Secondly I'd tell her that it's against the law to engage in sex at 14 and she is unable to give legal consent.
Thirdly, using the phone to arrange breaking the law with another 14 year old is very serious and his parents should be told.
Fourthly, I hug her, remind her you love her but set some serious boundaries for the foreseeable future.

She's not old enough legally to have sex!

JFC @JoanOfAllTrades 🙈🙈🙈

You're being a supportive, communicative and loving Mum.

I don't know if this has been covered, but when you do talk to her, ask her WHY she wants to have sex. This may make her stop and think.

Although woman in this thread say otherwise, all my friends who had sex at 14 & 15 said they regretted it. I don’t think it should be a given that a girl is sexually active so young and she is definitely at higher risk for depression, eating disorders and lower self esteem.

www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2007/02/sexualization

I bet she’s feeling the pressure from her bf and peers. She will think ‘everyone is doing it’ and many might make fun of her for having a bf but not having sex. In truth, most young teens are virgins and the ones that aren’t were pressured into it.

You need to tell her that sex doesn’t mean that a relationship will last and that it isn’t true that ‘everyone is doing it.’ If her bf truly loved her then sex wouldn’t be that important.

You also need to tell her the dangers of STIs and pregnancy. If her bf refuses to wear a condom then she should walk away.

You think I actively want 14 year olds getting pregnant 🤢
Of course its not ideal but people of that age were having babies until recently and you wouldnt want anyone deciding for you whether or not you had a sex life or wanted to keep a baby. Its no one elses decision to make.

@eelieza

That's the most ridiculous post I've ever read here on MN.

Firstly, try not to make a big deal about it even though you want to and that’s understandable!! Just try to talk to her and find out why and the reasons behind it, and try to see the whole picture.

Honestly probably wouldn’t talk to the lads parents, if she finds out which is a possibility, the idea of you all discussing her private life will most likely be mortifying and potentially push her away even further. You also don’t know how they will react so don’t put the boy in that position. Teenagers are so mega sensitive to embarrassment so be really conscious of this even though it’s hard.

Try and see this as an opportunity to open up the communication with her - 14 is a very delicate age, she’s finding out about herself and the world. If you handle this well and present as cool and approachable she will come to you in the future and this can only be a good thing. Just try to keep a lid on even though you’ll be panicking internally!! Best of luck!!

@eelieza you seem unhinged. Of course underage sex is her mums business. I hope you don't have children as the safeguarding would be concerning. Your advice is like a backstreet version of meet the fockers

I am not going to offer any advice OP additional to what has been written, just hope you can find a way to engage with your daughter so her plan does not become a reality.

No way would I put a 14 yr old on birth control- not going to lie id probably try and get in touch with the boys parents and blow my top- and find a piece of legal legislation to threaten the little shit with.
just me!

If the OPs daughter had been talking to a questionable person then fair enough
but I don't advocate for parents purposely clicking on a private conversation between what is obviously their daughter and her boyfriend. Thats very intrusive and wrong

Why would you put this on the boy more than the girl?
She is also under age.

Its not that I dont think these teenagers deserve to know about everything to do with sex and make an informed decision, but these teenagers are very capable of finding out these things for themselves, in fact they have already done so. Information about it is everywhere and sex is a very private, personal thing.

I’d say it’s rare that it’s a girl pressuring for sex so young

Let me rephrase that. The information is very accessible. And I find it disturbing that people want to know about someone elses private sex life when that person will have already found out everything for themselves or investigate more themselves.

@eelieza the OP doesn't want to know about her daughters sex life... she wants to stop it before it starts. Because she is just a kid and will probably regret this young decision.

She's 14, below the age of consent.
Are you saying that you think a 14 year old can consent to sex?
What do you think the age of consent should be?

Love this.

Also agree that although a 14 should expect to have their devices checked, if she thinks that her phone is private then it's so important not to lose her trust at this point.

reading your ‘advice’ it seems you condone and somewhat to a level, support underage sex ?!!

I would regularly be checking my teenage daughters phone. Especially if she had a bf. I would always want to know they are having a relationship that is at the level of their age and maturity . Which would not include planning to have sex. 14 is extremely young to be having sex, yes they will be aware of it and know about it but at 14 it’s not what any parent wants to read or hear about.