14 yo planning to have sex

[VashtaNerada]

So we’ve just found out our 14 yo is planning to have sex with her boyfriend. She’s young and stupid and absolutely
not ready for it.
Can someone please talk me down and give me ideas of what to say to her? Right now I want to lock her in a tower for the next three years without any contact with the outside world but understand there might be a better way to handle it!!

To be honest, if she's going to do it she's going to do it. You can't lock her up and keeping her away from him will only make her want to do it more (I've been there!)

I think the good thing is you know so can advise her and have an open chat. Talk about risks, consequences and safety. What is her bf like? A nice boy? Likely to get want he wants and leave?

From my experience, my parents or any older person when I was 14 telling me I'd regret it, I should wait etc. wouldn't have made a blind bit of difference.

Are you close to any of her friends? Friends have more of an impact in my opinion.

Yes indeed! Happened to my children’s friend. Invited her boyfriend round, he attended with booze and friends, her and the boyfriend went upstairs and his friend followed them up and live-streamed all the activity on Instagram! And the video was then posted online!

She was 14, he was 15.

She never told her mum, my kids told me, I called the (expensive private Catholic) school, to be asked if I had seen the video and had I downloaded it?

I asked the woman if she was taking the effing pee because that video would be classed as child pornography and as a nurse, and a mandatory reporter, if I was found in possession of that material, or found to have viewed it, I would immediately lose my nursing registration! And my children hadn’t seen it either as both of them are a lot smarter than that! But the video was shared (and viewed) in school and if they brushed it under the carpet as I knew for 100% certain that they had brushed other things under the carpet, I would go to the Archbishop, the diocese and the Catholic Education Office!

The school took me seriously, called the police and the boy was arrested as was the friend.

So yes, photos!

that's horrific @JoanOfAllTrades. that poor girl.

Talk to her about birth control and stds
and just ask her some what if scenarios, more as a ‘let’s get you prepared for this, and once you’re ready you do what you like’
rather than fighting her against it perspective
so what happens if he dumps her after
what happens if he tells everyone about it and makes fun of her
what will she do if she gets pregnant (does she know birth control isn’t 100%) realistically does she know how to get an abortion? Does she know how long it takes and what happens to her body? What about logistics of childcare and her future plans?
what about if it hurts - what will he be like? Will he be kind or not care?
will it be worth it to her if it’s over very quickly and she doesn’t enjoy it?
how safe does she feel being that vulnerable with him?
what if she regrets it?
Is she sure he doesn’t have an std. how does she know?
what if she stops consenting part way through, does she know she can do that? Does she think he’d stop? Even if he did stop would he be angry? Would he make fun of her or tell other people?
Does she feel he will be respectful?

she obviously won’t want those conversations with you, but I think they can be naive and not think things through, so if she has sensible ideas for all of these things then great. If not she may just think a little harder about it.

Do you have relationship where you talk about stuff....peer pressure need to do what everyone says so they all say they have sex, pressure of doing it or I'll find someone else etc?

I don't know if my experience is helpful to you and other posters might find it controversial but I had a boyfriend at that age that I'd been with for a year and thought it was love etc etc. I took myself off the GP to arrange to get an implant as we had mutually decided we'd have sex. GP advised me to speak to my mum but it wasn't required. I did end up letting her know the day before that I was getting it. Boyfriend had been sleeping overnight at our house.

The relationship carried on for a few years afterwards and looking back as an adult I am a bit shocked at how adult I felt back then, but I don't have any regrets as I was in a loving relationship and felt in control - I have plenty of friends with regrets who lost it at 16 or later but with random drunk encounters.

If she wants to do it she will find a way to do it. The most important thing to me would be getting her on contraception asap - you don't have to co-sign her actions obviously but if you can take accidental pregnancy off the table that's a huge win.

As much as I appreciate how you want to keep her in a tower… is she wants to have sex, she’s going to - sorry but that’s the truth
do you or any other trusted adult (aunt, gamy friend) had a good enough relationship to really talk to her about the practicalities?
and by that I mean, contraception, STDs, risks of contraception, etc
make sure if she makes a decision, it’s at least an informed one

I can relate to your daughter. I was sexually active at a similar age, although I was looked on by others as being a bit of a bookish goody girl. I am now in my 40s with a professional job. At the time my hormones were bubbling. When mum first find out I was having sex (he was a boy of my own age) she was annoyed, not that I was having sex but that I had not confided and told her.

Looking back, I have no regrets.

I agree with what others have said about contraception and if she want so have sex in reality you are not going to be able to stop her. I would just try and ensure the boy is not using her and that she is safe.

As a parent you have every right to police her phone, but what are the "house rules" on this? Does she know you are likely to? The biggest risk here is driving her away so that she won't talk to you when she needs to, try and avoid that.

Take care OP and take care of your daughter.

It was. The mother had to pull her daughter out of the school because they were, shall we say, less than sympathetic! The two boys involved were eventually excluded from the school after other, shall we say misdeeds, came to light but I really kept the pressure up, which ended with my own child being told that they couldn’t attend the end of year dance!

When will your DD turn 15? Why was you reading her messages?

God I'd be mortified if you was my mum!

May I enquire as to how old you are?

Wtf is going on at mumsnet? Posters get deleted for saying this post is weird, creepy and concerning. But the actual post trying to normalise 14 year olds having sex gets left up. Absolutely sickening. 🤮🤮🤮

Ignore this, it's the worst advice I've read for a long time.
You need to talk about contraception, about the possibility of disease and pregnancy, and if necessary take her to the DP to get the right contraceptive advice for her. The DP will have heard it all before.

Your post reminded me too much of this...

Do you consider all those facts when you have sex too?

Any parent NOT checking a 14 year old girls phone is a dreadful parent with no idea how at risk they are online!

Thank you everyone. I do realise that ultimately I can’t stop her if she’s determined but I really don’t think she’s thought it through. She’s quite naive about this kind of thing so a talk is definitely in order. She’s only fourteen (and not fifteen for a while) so IMO we very much have a duty of care to keep her safe and support her in making good decisions. She used to tell me everything! But not this sadly. I’ll be careful to keep calm and maintain a good relationship with her. I do want her to feel she can talk to me.

@JogOnNed
Do you object to parents pointing out the downsides of early sex to a child?

Well, I’m not 14, I’ve had the benefit of an extremely good education, am widely travelled, speak 7 languages, have a career, am studying again, have raised my children and am happy to get sex when I can, because at my age, well, let’s just say, that supply is not commensurate with demand, since we both have stressful careers in healthcare and I additionally have some physical issues right now. And oh yes, I’m through the menopause and finally, happily infertile! So no, those things don't go through my mind every time I have sex. But even though I’m infertile and it’s confirmed with blood tests, I have kept my mirena coil in, because although the five years is past and even though the hormonal part is gone, it still works as an IUD, and 7 children and 4 grandchildren later, I definitely do not want anymore babies!

Bollocks. She’s 14 ffs, still a
youngish child and should be having her devices checked daily. What kind of a parent are you??

Is she Year 9? Or a young year 10? Because that is young, but I found out that one of ds2's football friends has had sex.
How long has she been going out with boyfriend?
I'd talk sex generally, contraception. But emotional maturity, would she consider waiting. I mean it's not ideal. It is actually against the law because under 16, so the mild threat of him getting into trouble might bother her?

Yes. Keep your nose out of it? What kind of parent is this poster? If a parent at all!

While knowledge (and prevention of) STIs is important, pregnancy is far more likely. Condoms rely on her bf using them correctly and them both remembering to use them, and not just thinking it'll be fine just this once. God knows plenty of older couples run that gauntlet so it's particularly out there to assume that they won't (use them correctly or every time). Long acting contraception will be the most reliable.

It's also worth making sure she knows about emergency contraception and that she and her boyfriend consider how they feel about abortion - if she's against it then contraception becomes particularly crucial at age 14.

Yes re: discussing how once a picture is made then it's completely outside her control what happens to it. Also that it's illegal for both her an her boyfriend to take and share pictures, and unlike consensual underage sex, the police do tend to prosecute.

Also, she can have sex once, decide that it wasn't actually all that and not do it again for a while. She deserves good sex that feels good to her. Sometimes teenage sex is great sex, but sometimes it's actually pretty shit for the girl - and that's not ok. Just because she consents once doesn't mean that she consents again.

14 feels so young, but abstinence education doesn't work. All you can do is maybe get her to think about the less fun stuff that goes with feeling responsible and grown up enough to do it I guess.

And bloody hell, YES we ALL have to deal with these things when we have sex whatever our age - there's no free pass for a teenager. I'm 50 but still potentially fertile so I have to take steps to not get pregnant. I know about the morning after pill and how to get it if something went wrong, I know that I would have an abortion if I did get pregnant and am on the same page about this as dh. I don't do anything that doesn't feel good for me.

Does she know you have found the messages? Does she know you look at her phone? Because the first hurdle that you have to clear is explaining to her how it is that you know these things.

Who were these message to? Her friends or the boyfriend? Don't forget that there is a fair amount of bravado that goes on in young teens' messages with their friends. They want to appear grown up and cool and what they say might not match what they do.

Do you want to let her know that you have seen the messages? There is nothing to stop you simply having a conversation with her about contraception, emotional vulnerability etc without making refererence to the messages if you think this will have a detrimental effect on your relationship - because maintaining that relationship is going to be key over the next few years.

You say she is "young and stupid" which is pretty damning and this is definitely not the message that you ned to be imparting to her. She is young, but not necessarily stupid - she is navigating new territory and you are concerned that she is not doing that well - but that does not mean she is stupid - it means that she is young and inexperienced.

I used to tell my DDs that I trusted them to make good decisions and gave them the information they needed to do that. That did not necessarily mean that they would succeed in that, but it gave them a solid background of support from us and we showed faith in them.

She needs to feel that you are proud of her; that you recognise that she is coming up to sexual maturity and will have desires, as we all do. Explain to her the difficulties that can arise at this stage in her life with sexual relationships - but do not make her feel stupid or ashamed of those desires. Ask her how you can help her to grow up without problems? Tell her you are always behind her - tell her that you love her.

There was some evidence (I have not looked for updates recently) that girls who had a good relationship with their fathers were more likely to start sex later and be less likely to have a teenage pregnancy - this is thought to be because they have a good role model of relationships between men and women, and they want to make their Dads proud of them.

Please do not read her the riot act! But definitely give her the message that you are there to help her negotiate this awkward stage in life. Stay calm!

It is actually against the law because under 16, so the mild threat of him getting into trouble might bother her?

They are the same age so both would get into trouble. Well, neither of them would in reality because of their ages.

Are you joking? She is their child.