14 yo planning to have sex

[VashtaNerada]

So we’ve just found out our 14 yo is planning to have sex with her boyfriend. She’s young and stupid and absolutely
not ready for it.
Can someone please talk me down and give me ideas of what to say to her? Right now I want to lock her in a tower for the next three years without any contact with the outside world but understand there might be a better way to handle it!!

Hmm, I'm in the stop checking your childs phone camp, but wake up and smell the roses people!

These conversations should be being had regardless. She's got a boyfriend, she's full to the brim with hormones, he's so full of hormones I bet he can barely think straight. You need to get ahead of this.

Give the girl some privacy, but give the girl some information and a reality check.

FWIW my DD was off to a party last night (inset day) and before she went we spoke about boys, peer pressure, booze and vaping. I gave her a safe word to text if she wanted out. OTT? No, I got a call at 8.30 and she wanted to come home.

It is illegal for children under 16 to have sex and if this is reported to the police, both parties could end up on the sex offenders' register... that is how serious this is. Have you spoken to the Designated Safeguarding Lead at school. Has your daughter been co-erced or pressured? Frankly, you need advice from professionals and not from us.

I've a 14yo daughter with a 15 yo bf of one year. I have tried to head it off at the pass. I'm aware of other girls in that year having sex and being treated poorly. I myself wasn't sexually active until much later and it's not what I want for her. I didn't want her to have a bf so young. But I am not her. I talked to the bf mum early doors and explained my concerns re them going out. She didn't think they had those intentions. We are now friends. I talk to my child about it often, how it's yet another pressure to be good at something on top of academic pressure and there's really no rush. We got to the point in the discussion where she agreed/ said the correct age to have sex is not at this age. And agreed we would have another conversation if that changed and that I would be hurt if we didn't. I wouldn't advocate underage sex for her but if she was determined I would want it to be somewhere safe, like home. I have taken her to get the pill to stop having periods every month (heavy) and we had conversations then about was that the only reason. It helps her bf is a nice guy and not pushy. We will have a check in convo at 15 unless needed before. Hope this helps

The information is very accessible. And I find it disturbing that people want to know about someone elses private sex life when that person will have already found out everything for themselves or investigate more themselves.

You seem very certain that this 14 year old has found out everything themselves - how on earth do you know that?

Do you really think any responsible parent should sit back and let their 14 year old have sex without even a conversation about contraception and consent, because they'd apparently be able to find out for themselves

Can you show your sources for this?

It is intrusive of your husband or anyone for that matter opening private messages between your daughter and her boyfriend and then wanting to speak with her about her sex life and have a nosey in, its none of your business, those are personal boundaries you dont cross, theres something very off about you thinking its ok to do that.

It's basic safeguarding to be checking your teenager's phone. It's recommended in pretty much every recognised child safety and safeguarding course. However, the teenager should know that it will happen.
It also protects the adult. Most teen online contracts are in a parent's name so the parent is responsible for its use and its contents.

Teenagers of that age definitely know about sex and contraception, they know how babies are made, they know about cheating, and diseases. They will have found out everything they didnt know for themselves, its not your place to speak to them about that sort of thing,

Whilst teens will have had some sex education it is vitally important that parents speak to their children about sex, grooming, sexual health, respect, relationship boundaries, etc. It isn't necessarily about the physical act, but everything else that goes with it. A 14 year old is a child. They should not be having sex. However, some do and it is incredibly important that parents speak to their children about sexual matters, especially if their information has been gathered online - all the myths need addressing and correcting to start with.

theyve reached puberty, physically theyd be having families, its a very new thing that they dont now. Im shocked I have to tell you, keep your nose out of it.

It's not that new. It will be a very long time ago when it was seen as the norm for a 14y child to be having babies in the UK. Becoming parents at 14y is not a desired outcome, for any child.

@eelieza you think that 14 year olds can reliably get factual information about sex? Just because they have google? Because everything on the internet is correct?
There was a rumour at my school that went round when I was 15 that someone had sex with a girls EAR! Like penis into an ear. Have you ever been a teenager?

@eelieza

The age of consent in England has been 16y since 1885.
It's been a very long time since it was since as acceptable for 14y to be having a family.

You say it wasn't long ago. In England it has been against the law for under 16s to have sex, let alone start families, for 137 years. That isn't 'not that long ago' by anyone's reckoning!

It was a good talk, I think! Thanks for all the sensible suggestions. Time will tell I suppose… Will try to keep communication lines open.

Are you a time traveler from the Middle Ages or just a weirdo that thinks 14 year olds being sexually active is normal?

Glad it went well, OP.

No one tells us about the perils of navigating the teen years when we first start planning families. Everyone focuses on the baby and toddler years but in some ways these teen years are much trickier to get through.

😂😂

the most shocked I was , was when my daughters boyfriend came and asked me if I would mind if they both went to the doctor to go in the pill . I thanked them for the sensible conversation . And if you think about it if they are old enough to have sex ( legally they are not ) then they should be old enough to sit at the table and discuss the whole situation. Personally I would also emphasise they could both get into trouble because of their age and yes all the other things mentioned . Make it clear you are not happy and if things go wrong and she gets pregnant or emotionally hurt you won’t be around to pick up the pieces . But ultimately they will probably go ahead any way but at least you have given them all the correct information.

@babyyodaxmas

that post was not funny . Every family is different and have different morals and things they want for their children ? Nothing wrong with that information that I can see.

There is a very good correlation between early , open sex education (as in the Netherlands) and low rates of teen pregnancy. Education works abstinence doesn't.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8872707/#:~:text=Our%20analyses%20provide%20population%2Dlevel,level%20of%20more%20than%203%25.

Wow. I have no words. Are you 12 or something? Are you from another planet?

Good luck with that. A 14 year old who is determined to have sex is going to do just that. If she’s going to have sex, she should be educated on the possible consequences (pregnancy, STIs) and the appropriate measures that can be taken to prevent either of those outcomes. Hormonal contraceptives are far less taxing on the developing teenage body than a pregnancy.

I’ve been your daughter, OP, and those lines of communication were absolutely not open with my parents. I made it through unscathed by STIs or pregnancy but only because I knew how to keep myself safe. I’m now a sexual health nurse and I see 14 year olds pretty regularly with varying degrees of maturity. Some I would trust with the pill, others I will do my damnedest to get an implant in them plus an endless supply of condoms so I’m not seeing them again in 3 months’ time with chlamydia and needing a referral for a termination. It’s not great that 14 year olds are having sex but it’s my job to make sure they’re as safe and educated as they can be because they are going to do it anyway.

No-one here cares what you advocate for because we all think you're a creep

No it's not , she is a child !!! A child of the Op. It is a parent's responsibility to check their child's phone !!

Thats pathetic. You do realise his parents could do the same to her daughter. Making him the villain helps nobody.

OP have a look at this link.

Also, please talk to her about consent. That includes her being able to talk to her bf about being able to say No if she changes her mind. At ANY point.

I work in an area where I have seen the damage to young girls who have sex so young. 14 is very, very young in my opinion. Exploitation also happens in many forms, and children can exploit other children.

You are right to want to keep her safe, there is lots of guidance online about how to have open conversations about all of this, so that if she does decide, she understands fully what she is doing.

This is just a helpful read in my opinion.

www.nhsborders.scot.nhs.uk/patients-and-visitors/our-services/general-services/underage-sexual-activity-interagency-guidance/

Soooo depressing. That poor girl.

I hope they got an adequate punishment as that is beyond reprehensible behaviour.

I am probably different to a few PP but I was sexually active at 14 because I was exposed to a lot of inappropriate things (which we thought was funny at the time), way to young. Think MSN chat rooms, naive parents that didn't have adequate child settings on the computer, parents that were naive about these things etc.
I wish I hadn't been sexually active st 14. I had sex with someone as I was desperate for a boyfriend and gave in so quickly, only to be dumped. Not a lovely romantic memory of losing my virginity or a special person. I also remained way to active sexually and I wish I could change what happened.
I think have the chat with her, talk to her like an adult and not a child. She will do it if that's what she wants to do, but you being aware might make her think more about doing it.

Honestly I can't believe how many parents think it's OK to check their teenagers phones, and also how many parents think this would be a remotely good way to deal with it. All it will do is alienate her

Encourage her to use contraction, have a girly chat with her, get to know the boyfriend. 14 isn't that young these days.