Was life really worse as a women when they were expected to stay at home and look after the dc

[hibiscusjam]

And what happened when the dc flew the nest?!.

I wish I could be a sahm but I can't afford to. Curious to hear from people who think it was terrible when society expected women to raise the dc once they had them vs go to work.
I find myself raising my dc and going to work most of the time. It's stressful. My dh travels for work but does help when he's home.

That's sad for your friend but that's not my life thankfully.

This. I’m late 40s. When I started my professional career (in my early 20s) there were multiple bright capable women in their 50s and 60s doing admin / secretarial work for peanuts because they had no qualifications. They were the tail end of the ‘girls don’t need qualifications, they will just get married’ era. They were also all personable middle class women - the company had a ‘type’ they liked to hire.

The (older, male) owners of the firm didn’t understand why none of the more junior admins were as capable as them (and I suspect why ‘nice gels’ weren’t applying). They didn’t get that most clever girls with a middle class background stayed on at school at least to A levels and often went to university.

No one on my maternal line has been a stay at home mum. They had lots of children due to lack of contraception. They worked in factories around the children doing things like early morning and evening cleaning doing 7 hours a day, it was perfectly legal to pay women less than men, no pendion scheme, to stop them progressing, no mat leave. Then at home it was all handwashing and mangling clothes and no real childcare.

I prefer my life.

@HotChicolate I agree . It worked for us. I think there are some people who believe that we are always at risk of being left destitute by our DH and cannot believe we are happy with our choices. I have my own finances /pensions and am secure . My DH is dedicated to me and I him . If I didn't trust my husband and he me then we would not have had kids together and if we had been struggling with the cost of living we definatly would not have brought kids into the situation.

I would love to be a SAHP but we don’t have the money. My mother always likes to tell me how horrible it was being a SAHP and how much she hated it (probably why are relationship is strained as it seems to come across she hated us kids) and her favourite phrase with grand kids is “I’ve done my time” aka I’m not helping you out ever.

If I mention how much I hate being a working mum she always had it worse as a SAHP. I agree with PP it’s about feeling like you don’t have a choice, whether that’s a choice to be a SAHP or not to be.

I think she’s jealous I’m a working mum and had what she doesn’t have but I’m jealous she got to be a SAHP.

I would have enjoyed being a SAHM but didn't have the option because I ended up a single parent who had to do all.

I think by campaigning for the choice to work we are now in the situation where women have to work and still do the lion share of home and child rearing. So we didn't really win, we just gave ourselves more to do unless we chose our partner well. The cost of living has also risen so it takes two working adults to keep a comfortable household financially.

As a single parent I couldn't survive without the help tax credits bring because that is like the second wage coming into the house. My single wage would leave us well below the poverty line.

One of my dgm worked after marriage and one gave up work and took occasional sewing/tailoring at home. The one who didn't work seemed to have a better life. Yes she did all of the housework and cooking (and I imagine so did the working one!), but met up frequently with neighbours and had lunches out. Both of them had their elderly mothers living with them, but that was the norm then apparently.

I love that some people think that all mums have a choice whether to work or not! Being a SAHM is a choice, but not one all of us can make.
Some mums have to work, some want to work. The same applied to dads, but people forget that.
More often than not it's mums who quit work, or work less citing childcare expenses as the reason. But there's no reason why mums shouldn't be the main, or at least equal earner in the family pre-kids, I think lower earning potential is sometimes used as an excuse to justify wanting to be at home with the kids rather than at work. That's absolutely fine, but it is a choice and SAHMs should own that.

Anyway to answer your question OP, the way it used to be is not better, equal rights and choice is better. However this doesn't mean it's easier for women, far from it. These days society, and we, expect us to be able to maintain a career while raising a family, running the household, caring for our partners and so on. Sometimes it seems mums have taken on more work and responsibility, while dads have taken on new weekend hobbies. Equal rights doesn't mean equality. That's what we need to work towards changing now.

I have a great career, I love my job and colleagues. I am due to give birth with my first child at any moment (I waited until I was 30). I am unsure of what to do when I return to work - I am in the position to take a step back if I wanted to.

My mum was very career driven and I hardly saw her growing up. Always had baby sitters etc. I would see her on Saturday afternoon & Sundays. Never before or after school really. Never attended any school show's or parents evenings etc.

We are not close, we never really bonded. Years later, now she's at retirement age she is pushing extremely hard for a relationship with me - it feels so forced and it's very sad/upsetting to be honest. Of course I love her but not in the same way my friends love their mum's who were more hands on/at home.

I don't want the same to happen with my child so it's a hard decision to make!

However having the choice is extremely important! I wouldn't want to be forced into tha decision like women used to be!

I think choices for women is better now on the whole, however there was a thread only the other day here ,where a new Mum was dreading her return to work after her Maternity Leave.There has never been a perfect ideal TBH. DM worked in the 70s and was a widow.She would have loved being at home but couldnt afford it.I have worked PT and been a SAHM as well.However I think these quotes of "Bored Housewives " is alien to me and many others! I had friends I could meet for coffee,saw people to chat to on dog walks and so on. At no point did I or my friends"talk to the wall"!

It’s not a one size fits all experience either…not all sahms create the perfect children and not all working mums are detached from their children…there’s a balance and everyone’s balance is different too. My mum always worked, I never felt abandoned and I have always had a great relationship with her! I have a friend who’s mum was a sahm…she couldn’t wait to get away and now lives in aus with v little contact 🤷‍♀️

I think they’ve gone up to the ridiculous prices they’re now at because of Russian and Chinese investors.

Babies and children rot your brain and exhaust your body until there's nothing left of you.

I hope you're joking

My grandmother had no choice but to be a SAHM - that was how it was in her community.

She was a loving mother and grandmother and I benefited from that as she was able to look after me as a baby for most of a year while my mother recovered from serious illness.

But she found it frustrating - she found ways to earn and get some satisfaction from life, she sold her domestic skills, she made clothes, she learned to do accounts for the family business, she made the best of things. But she also had to accept being beaten with a chair when her husband was angry, not having free access to money, always eating last despite cooking it all.

She died last year and never stopped telling me and her other granddaughters to work and be independent.

What was worse was lack of choice. Some women don't want to be married and/or have children. Some want to be working mothers. Some want to be mothers at home. The point is that everyone is different and shouldn't be forced to conform to what "society" thinks is right. Things are so much better now.

I was thinking about this the other day.

My Gran was a SAHM and her job was to cook, clean and look after the DCs.

I used to think what a horrible life she had but I’m now thinking differently.

She would potter about around town going to the butchers, green grocers, diary, bakery etc and then meet up with friends, volunteer in the school and have a clean home and amazing meals on the table for when her husband came home.

Her and my grandad had an amazing relationship and its because life so much less stressful.

We have an ever increasing MH (and obesity) problem and I believe it’s because our work/life balance is much more difficult than it used to be.

Shops we’re open 9-5 and closed on Sundays, whereas now they’re 24 hours.
Women are expected to work and also raise their children, cook, clean etc.

I love working but I feel the burn out of trying to do everything and I feel that women in particular have got the rough end of the stick.

I’m glad women now have the choice to work or to leave their partners but I think certain aspects of life is harder now for the majority of women (not including those in abusive relationships).

I would love to be a SAHP but we don’t have the money.

I think this is a big problem - it's becoming increasingly difficult to live off one parent's income.

So many women unfortunately so not have much choice!

But a lot of us don't have a choice, we have to work. I would have liked a choice but I didn't have one. It's not better it's just the other way around.

There isn't really a choice not to work now, only if you have a partner to facilitate that choice, which makes you dependent on them, so it's still a trap. If I had to chose between HAVING to work and HAVING to be a sahm, I'd say having to work is much less of a trap as it gives you financial independence.

Of course it was worse. No independence, no choice. And think of all those poor women that ended up with total cunts for husbands. No option but to endure.

If I had to chose between HAVING to work and HAVING to be a sahm, I'd say having to work is much less of a trap as it gives you financial independence.

But some women might consider raising a family more rewarding and enjoyable than working for an outside company.

And other women might choose to give up their career in the knowledge that they've created enough wealth during their career.

And others are in a happy partnership that benefits from division of labour.

So there's lots of factors to consider for women.

I think this is a big problem - it's becoming increasingly difficult to live off one parent's income.

So many women unfortunately so not have much choice!

I agree.

It went from having no choice to work.
To having no choice not to work.

Of course it was worse. No independence, no choice. And think of all those poor women that ended up with total cunts for husbands. No option but to endure.

Yes and in amongst them there might have been great thinkers, writers, scientists, engineers, artists. But they couldn't do that they just had to fester at home at the domestic grindstone. So much wasted potential.

But why is it all about what is most enjoyable? Do we think men should get to live their lives based on what they find most enjoyable? Most Men don't have a choice not to work.

They had no choice in the matter. They had no access to any money other than the housekeeping money their husband chose to give them, and those in abusive relationships were trapped for life.

How could you possibly imagine that their lives were better?