Was life really worse as a women when they were expected to stay at home and look after the dc

[hibiscusjam]

And what happened when the dc flew the nest?!.

I wish I could be a sahm but I can't afford to. Curious to hear from people who think it was terrible when society expected women to raise the dc once they had them vs go to work.
I find myself raising my dc and going to work most of the time. It's stressful. My dh travels for work but does help when he's home.

Obviously some people would rather be at home but can't afford it & some would rather work but can't afford so they may feel there is little choice.

It is socially acceptable!! Life is too short to be unhappy.

Came on exactly to say what was worse about it was women not having a choice. They were forcibly dependent on men financially.

@Cozytoesandtoast00 don't like society dictate how you want to live your life, you only get one so do what's best for you.

Do you think there’s any particular reason that the only ones in your family to repeat the pattern were your boys?

Yes, that's the reality for many, and as said that's not good. But the answer is not to go back to a time where women as an entire demographic of people were expected to not have careers. Many women probably picked up more menial jobs but these days women can be their own bread winners. The answer is to make more provisions for mothers to be supported in looking after their own DC.

I'm very interested in maternalism feminism. I don't think that UK society value raising children within families enough. That said, we have a SAHP and it's manageable, but that's not the norm.

But why does it have to be the woman who stays home? Arguably would it be as good for the children if both mum and dad worked 2.5 days each? I think it's fascinating that it's still mostly women who go PT while men work FT, nearly every family I know both the man and woman work either 0.6 or 0.8, including doctors and other typically ambitious people.

This is spot on. If it was the better option men would definitely have made sure it was their role!

And do you think it says anything about your daughter's views on a mother's role once having children that they chose not to have children themselves?

I was a SAHM for a while when the kids were small and it was great. I had a good routine for housework/lawn/food shop, and I was available if there were things at school or one of them was ill.
However, I did everything, DH never got up in the night or rang in sick because the kids were ill, I facilitated his career and very good wage by sacrificing my career. When I did go back to work it was PT as the kids and house are seen as my job now.
I have virtually no pension now, he always said his pension was ‘our’ pension, but I have no say over it as it’s in his name. I’m very grateful that I didn’t have to do the whole work/childcare thing that others struggle with, but I’m feeling the downside of that now.

@whiteroseredrose that's what happened in my mums generation, all the mums were sahm and we all benefited from it. They went into school and volunteered to run clubs for dd falling behind to ensure everyone did well. We all knew each other and no one was lonely.

Later in life some sahm did go on to work but how it worked was there was no pressure to work, they had dc younger because it was affordable to do so and they'd be late 30's to early 40's when the dc left home so could start a job/career then. Do men definitely not want to be a sahp though? My dh jokes he wouldn't mind it. Neither of us can afford to give up work though.

Sigh. Women for most of history have almost always worked after having children — the idea of the SAHM as someone who is economically inactive and spends all her time on unpaid childcare and housework was a fairly recent historical blip.

I was just wondering the same.

Its a shame neither girl had their own family however the two boys have and they repeated the same pattern with the same success.

Hmm. Does this tell you anything?

Of course its worse when women were made to give up financial independence in order to have babies and raise them. My grandmother was repeatedly pregnant and had 11 kids. As much as i love being part of a big family, It was hardly ideal for her

But why does it have to be the woman who stays home? Arguably would it be as good for the children if both mum and dad worked 2.5 days each?

I agree with this, I am pt but DH & I would like to get to the position were we both are p/t. Surely that would be the best balance for everyone?

@KangarooKenny see that's a massive downside. I can see that side like the pension being an issue.

My dad did help my mum so perhaps I haven't seen the downsides and my dh would help me if I was a sahm. As some have said perhaps because I don't have the choice to be a sahp I'm romanticising the idea.

I wouldn't say I'm unhappy. I work part-time and have a good balance.
My children are now older and my youngest is about to start secondary school.
We have enough money for me to quit but it doesn't feel right to do that at this stage. I am however, planning an early retirement! ☺️

I think you have rose tinted lenses tbh op. Have you read 'can any mother help?' it's an amazing book about a kind of pre-internet Mumsnet where the women circulated a magazine they all wrote for, and corresponded for decades. It wasn't all cookie baking and pruning the roses.

If sahm is the default then even women without children have reduced career prospects, women don't make it into the workforce and positions of influence, it's a male dominated world. Its bad for society as a whole.

How old are you? If you still have young children I think you are considerably younger than me. My generation of mothers didn't all get to stay at home.

I'm not against it BTW but I am against being told what you are expected to do because you are a woman.

That's not the point. The capitalist system loved doubling the workforce as it allowed another increase in house prices and so another way of impoverishing the uk population as a whole.

The thing is OP, you can afford it. Move into a smaller house - if you have two children, you can manage in a one bedroom flat and put the kids in the living room. Or move somewhere cheaper. You don’t need a car, or holidays. Shop in Aldi. Plenty of families manage on one salary through necessity.

What you mean is, you like the lifestyle that goes along with you working, and don’t want to give that up to be a SAHP. Which is fine, but don’t you think women who were forced to be SAHPs would also have liked that option?

My mum did this too. However she had a struggle to get back into work. I remember several years of her being upset and frustrated at just missing out on jobs because they thought she was great but someone else had more experience. She had to do several courses and eventually got back in to work but it was relatively low paid. Being a SAHM was right for her at the time, but it created challenges later.

I think most families have choices now around whether one parent gives up work or not, although sometimes they are not easy choices. Choices that need to be made ahead of time, do we want a house with a garden but both parents working, or a small flat but one stays at home? I think we all have more choices that we realise, it's just that we don't all have choices where both options are desirable.

I was a SAHM when my first was born and we lived in a small flat. I decided to go back to work when he was 1 as we wanted to try and move and have another child. I could have easily been a SAHM forever had we stuck with one child and stayed in our flat.

We improved a lot of things about our life when I went back to work, got promoted etc, but the sacrifice was managing life with three kids and two full time working parents. Life is hectic and stressful and I dream about going part time, but then we wouldn't be able to afford our nice house, the take aways we get, our family holiday... I still have that choice to be a SAHM and give up all the extra luxuries (and probably have to downsize the house etc) but I also had the choice to return to work, do something I'm good at, achieve something important to me.

As others have said, the choice is key here. And most people DO have choices, they just don't like all the options!

My parents wanted the 'man goes to work, woman stays home' set up - my mum quit her job when she was 4 months pregnant and didn't go back for 14 years.
When I was little it made me clingy and anxious, I hated school because I knew she was home and I wanted to be with her. When I got older, I was embarrassed she didn't work, staying home was not something I felt had value.