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Original poster

Was life really worse as a women when they were expected to stay at home and look after the dc

304 replies

hibiscusjam · 27/11/2022 07:42

And what happened when the dc flew the nest?!.

I wish I could be a sahm but I can't afford to. Curious to hear from people who think it was terrible when society expected women to raise the dc once they had them vs go to work.
I find myself raising my dc and going to work most of the time. It's stressful. My dh travels for work but does help when he's home.

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 27/11/2022 07:44

Of course it's worse when women were expected to be SAHM and limited from other options and choices! How could that possibly be better?
If you want to be a SAHM own your choice but accept it's a choice for you and not one that all women would be better off making!

Eixample · 27/11/2022 07:47

A lack of choice is always worse. Now you can choose to stay at home or not. My grandmother, for example, had a much better job than my grandfather but she wasn’t permitted (by the employer) to work after marriage, or ever again. All her ability and education for nothing. How can it ever be better not to have a choice?

DreamingofItaly2023 · 27/11/2022 07:49

I am a SAHM and love it but I believe it must be a choice. I like knowing that if I stop loving it I can return to work. I do think it is very hard on some women nowadays that they are expected to work and carry the majority of childcare and housework. I worked when DS was little and even with DH being an equal parent life was so exhausting and stressful. I would love to see housing costs be more reasonable again and wages higher so that most families could manage on one wage. Decisions could then be made as to whether one parent works and one doesn’t or both work part time. I think that would be better for the physical and mental health of parents and children.

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yoyy · 27/11/2022 07:50

It would be worse for me, I don't want to stay at home despite being able to afford it. I love my job & colleagues & need time away from the home. Choice is always better imo.

HeadNorth · 27/11/2022 07:50

My mum was desperate to go back to work when we were wee, although my dad wanted her to stay at home. She went back but really the marriage was all wrong and they divorced in the end - but she continued to have a professional career until she retired. Sometimes a job is more important than your marriage.

My MIL never worked. No divorce, but she had a massive break down when the children left home and her mental health has never recovered.

Honestly, is staying at home was so great, men would want to do it. And women wouldn't have campaigned so hard for years for the right to go back to work.

BendingSpoons · 27/11/2022 07:50

There are 2 issues to me. One is the wife's role was generally to do everything at home. Her husband was generally considered more important, would get home at 6pm and put his feet up. Older girls in the house were often expected to help in a way boys weren't. I'm sure some men were more helpful but I wouldn't fancy being expected to wait on my husband, although many took pride in it. Many jobs took much longer e.g. washing, so it was very different to being a SAHM now.

The second issue is choice. Some would have loved it, some hated it, but there was little choice. I appreciate you still feel you have little choice for other (financial) reasons and that's tough too.

Divebar2021 · 27/11/2022 07:50

You’re imagining being released from a situation that you find stressful so you’re romanticising it. Many of those SAHM would have been as trapped as you feel. I’m sure lots of them loved it and didn’t aspire to work but imagine being bored and unfulfilled and being unable to do anything about it. It wasn’t that long ago a woman couldn’t get a mortgage without a man ( eg her father) guaranteeing it. How would that have worked if you were in an abusive marriage.

Crazykefir · 27/11/2022 07:51

Yes was much worse. My grandmother was the brightest kindest person I ever met. Brought up 4 kids with no washing machine and an emotionally cold husband with a gambling addiction.

Dreamwhisper · 27/11/2022 07:51

As PPs said. No one is saying in general terms that life as a SAHM is bad.

But can you take 30 seconds to think about the question yourself. What happens if you are a SAHM because women just aren't expected or allowed to be in the workforce. What if your husband is abusive? You have no money and no options, you're stuck there forever.

Just because something is a personal preference of yours doesn't mean it should be the default or only option. This is the reality of the situation when women are "expected" to stay at home for their DCs entire childhoods, and is not the same at all as providing say, decent maternity leave packages, flexible working as standard, etc.

We live in a completely different world to those days and as hard as it is and as much as things could be improved, it's important to recognise our privilege of financial independence that women before us have worked so hard for.

THisbackwithavengeance · 27/11/2022 07:53

Well it wasn't worse if you were happily married to a DH you loved and who worked hard and earned well, you had a nice house and lots of friends and family around.

But if you were married to an abusive man who hit you or spent his earnings at the pub leaving you short on housekeeping and you couldn't leave him because you had no money and nowhere to go, I'm sure life was much worse.

notdaddycool · 27/11/2022 07:54

I heard an interesting hypothesis that because so many mums went to work they could stretch their budget for houses so house prices went up and now nearly all mums have to work to afford a house.

silverclock222 · 27/11/2022 07:54

Wouldn't have had it any other way tbh. Best for the family as a whole. I'll probably be the only one who says this mind you however perhaps raising a family the old fashioned way is why 4 kids (youngest now 50) have turned out very well. No issues with drink/drugs/shit marriagea etc. Its a shame neither girl had their own family however the two boys have and they repeated the same pattern with the same success.

silverclock222 · 27/11/2022 07:56

Oh and an empty nest meant mums then went back to work. Its really such a good life for a family.

yoyy · 27/11/2022 07:57

No issues with drink/drugs/shit marriagea etc

Why would that be determined by whether your mum was working or not?

sevenbyseven · 27/11/2022 07:58

notdaddycool · 27/11/2022 07:54

I heard an interesting hypothesis that because so many mums went to work they could stretch their budget for houses so house prices went up and now nearly all mums have to work to afford a house.

That's not just a hypothesis, that's fact surely? I think that's the problem - choice has been taken away from families in the opposite direction because most families now can't afford one parent to stay at home with the kids.

PuppyMonkey · 27/11/2022 07:59

What if you were no good at staying at home and looking after the kids?Grin

Original poster
hibiscusjam · 27/11/2022 07:59

Thanks. I don't feel like I have a choice to be a sahp though that's what I mean. The choice isn't always available now. I have to work. But I agree about the choice thing being available.

OP posts:
whiteroseredrose · 27/11/2022 07:59

I'm not sure that women didn't work after having children. I've been doing family history research and it looks like my grandmother's grandmother made sweets in a sweet shop whilst her children were young.

But to the point, it's the lack of choice, then and now that is the issue for me.

I've said it before, but in the 1950s my DGF could support a wife and children on his blue-collar wages. I doubt anyone could do that now. Most women don't have the choice to stay at home, they need to earn.

When the expectation was that women stayed at home, they had fewer options if their DH didn't hand over his wages.

Neither situation is ideal.

Dogtooth · 27/11/2022 07:59

silverclock222 · 27/11/2022 07:54

Wouldn't have had it any other way tbh. Best for the family as a whole. I'll probably be the only one who says this mind you however perhaps raising a family the old fashioned way is why 4 kids (youngest now 50) have turned out very well. No issues with drink/drugs/shit marriagea etc. Its a shame neither girl had their own family however the two boys have and they repeated the same pattern with the same success.

@silverclock222 it's nice your kids have turned out well. Plenty of families with sahms where there are major problems. Plenty of families with working parents where kids thrive. You just lucked out.

Dreamwhisper · 27/11/2022 07:59

notdaddycool · 27/11/2022 07:54

I heard an interesting hypothesis that because so many mums went to work they could stretch their budget for houses so house prices went up and now nearly all mums have to work to afford a house.

How dare those irritating working mums get on the property ladder!

CactusFlowers · 27/11/2022 07:59

Of course it was worse. For many (most?) it wasn’t a choice.

IncompleteSenten · 27/11/2022 08:00

Yes it was.

Not having a choice is always worse than being able to make a choice.

WhiteCatmas · 27/11/2022 08:01

Yes, yes it was.
We have choice now. We are more than breeding machines.
Don’t take it for granted or someone will take that choice away.

Cozytoesandtoast00 · 27/11/2022 08:01

Obviously it is always better if women have a choice.
However, I would have loved it if the expectation was to remain at home.
I really struggled to do both and love all things homemaking.
I'm in a senior position at work but to be honest, if it was socially acceptable, I would jack it all in even though my children are at school!

Holly60 · 27/11/2022 08:02

As many posters have already said, it was the lack of choice that was awful. Many women were happy to stay at home and were very fulfilled by it. Many were miserable, bored and unfulfilled with no chance of changing their circumstances.

Having control over your own life is always better.

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