Desperate for help- awful neighbours

[Constantlyonedge]

Hi, I’m looking for some advice please!

We bought our first house (1930s mid terraced) in the summer.

The neighbours on the side that share our bedroom and lounge wall are horrendous. They shout, scream, swear and fight and throw things at the walls at all times of day and night and it’s got me on edge in my own home and I get palpitations every time it happens - especially when it startles me awake in the early hours. It’s really stressing me out and making me feel like I hate the house when in reality it’s not the house I hate it’s the situation they are putting me in. What would you do if this was you? I just want to be able to relax and enjoy our first home that we’ve bought but it’s so impossible as each time it’s quiet I’m just on edge and tense waiting for another eruption of chaos. They are middle-aged couple if that matters at all and they are nice enough when we see them (say hi how are you etc) but they are clearly having problems and are so toxic for one another and I’m hoping they just separate or divorce so we don’t have to put up with the woman screaming about killing herself. We feel too awkward/worried to knock on and speak to them about this but it’s making my life miserable.

It just doesn’t feel like home to me and I’m just hating it.

We are a young couple- late 20s/ 30s and proud we’d managed to buy somewhere in a London borough given the current situations and we really wanted to love it for what it is - a first home and a step onto the property ladder (it’s only a little 2 up 2 down) and we’d planned to stay around 3/4 years to see it go up in value, maybe add an extension in that time and then move on to bigger things - and we would also

like to start having children at some point in the next few years but I just cannot even entertain that idea at the moment with how stressed it makes me and how ill it’s actually made me and the affect on my health, well being and also work life because I’m just exhausted- and that simply cannot happen if I was to be pregnant, I wouldn’t take that risk on my body and an unborn child.

I guess my question is what would you do in this situation?
I really just want to get the house on the market and just move but DP has said we just cannot afford to do that because that would create another lot of solicitor fees and stamp duty.

Im quite confused about how to figure it all out in terms of finances - so if for example we could sell our house for (just throwing a random figure) £20k more than what we bought it for and then we’d also have our deposit back, right? And then hopefully be able to port mortgage. Could you, if possible, help me figure out if that is correct and it could be made possible to move? So grateful for any advice.

Thank you so much in advance 🙏🏻

Reasonable people do not shout at each other regularly, and so shamelessly, especially late at night. Unreasonable people do not generally respond well to reason, polite requests for behavioural changes, or care much about their neighbours. They may take notice of a visit from the police, however.

Look at it another way @Constantlyonedge

Either you pay stamp duty to get out of this mess or you pay for therapy long term to get over it. Which could be equally expensive.

You need to look at things with perspective. My private therapy is £80 per hour! (NHS waiting list was verrrry long!)

I really feel for you having been there myself x

I've got the same. We actually think he moved out 2 weeks ago but we're not 100% sure.

And don't start me on their bloody bins which they leave outside on the front so it's my view when I sit on my brand new couch in my brand new lounge - they still won't move them to the side of their house. So many but really really fucks me off.

Speak to the council again, it maybe that what you are asking them to do doesn't fall under the things you would have to declare on sale of the house. I made enquiries for a tenant with a neighbour (her is truly a twerp) who's home business involved customers startat 5am, thr officer at the council reassured me that it wouldn't need to be declared.
And please log every incident with the police, you could save a life. Easier said than done I know when even doing it on line could take 10 minutes, let alone 45 minutes waiting to get through on my phone.

I really feel for you as I have been here. It was a rented house next door with 2 consecutive couples over about a year and a half. In my head it was going to be a long term home, we had a new baby and we spent a lot of money on it. I had been round to politely ask them to keep the noise quieter but was met with abuse.
Long story short, we sold at a loss and moved. Best thing we did.
You could try asking them to be quieter. They might not be aware?
I feel so sorry that you’re in this position. It’s very unfair.

Maybe try and see if you can get the woman on her own and try to ask if she’s alright. I know domestic violence can go both ways but if she’s saying things about killing herself she might be depressed and in need. it might be a good idea to check she’s alright if you see her on her own and make it clear you’ve heard them. It might be enough to stop them if it is just arguing. I’m sure you don’t want to get involved but if someone’s in need….. if that doesn’t help maybe report it, just thinking you don’t want to make the situation worse by telling the police and if nobody is in danger I don’t think the police would help for a domestic, unless things have changed.

good luck, I hope things calm down soon.

It would depend. If you have 20k equity in your house (20k profit) then it would have to be after everything. So it would have to pay for fees incurred for paying off the current mortgage sooner than was thought as almost all mortgage companies charge early payback fees. Solicitors fees on the new place and as it will be a chain it will take longer. So if you have 20k equity before all these fees it will definitely eat alot of that I'm afraid.

Do you really have to declare it when selling? The previous owner of our house was constantly phoning the police on various neighbours and we weren't told at all. Thankfully, they were unwarranted calls but there was calls about noise disturbance from next door (their son had really bad night terrors and used to scream in the middle of the night). No one ever declared any of that to us

I personally would not speak to because if you fall out and it becomes and issue you need to mention it on a form. I would call the police for a domestic disturbance.

You could try speaking to them, logging it with the council, try the police. But in my experience nothing works.

I would move. It's not normal. If you are going to move you need to do so very soon.

I now live surrounded by many more people and it is much quieter than when I just had 2 neighbors screaming all night and playing music 10 hours a day.

Can you insulate the walls. Don't know if be cheaper than selling

To the suggestions of moving. I disagree- you could move and have exactly the same issue in new home. Plus you shouldn’t have to move.

Personally here’s what I’d do- in this order:

Push a note through the door:
”Polite notice. not sure if you are aware but your rowing and violence is extremely loud and your neighbours can hear every word and every incident. This is causing a major problem and disruption for the people living around you and I hope you will please take this on board and address it from now. If it continues further action will be taken. Thanks”
(Keep a log to yourself with dates and incidents that you could hand to council and police if needs be)

This just may be enough as other posters wrote from their experience.

If it continues….

Report to police with all details what you hear etc. as domestic violence at each incident. Record the noise on your phone as evidence. I would also try speak to the woman alone and ask if she’s ok, you’re concerned as the rowing sounds terrifying.. offer support/help. She will likely say no but at least she knows you’re there and that can mean a great deal.
(Yeh men are sometimes victims but it’s the vast vast minority of cases. You can’t hear mens voices quite the same through walls as they are lower in pitch and don’t carry the same. also men are more likely to express aggression physically than verbally than woman).
I would also consider speaking to other neighbours and if they also have an issue with it you then can support each other, maybe confront the couple together or all report to police which will strengthen the case. Just a suggestion.

So approach softly/with concern but a warning, then ramp it up as needed, use support from council, police, other neighbours, record as much as you can as evidence if in future it’s needed ie in court.

Best of luck! 🍀

I feel for you so much. We endured two years of having a terrifying violent drunk live next door to us. It was all through lockdown and honestly I don't know how I survived with my sanity more or less in tact. We called the police and it made it much much worse for us. I would absolutely do it again because he was clearly beating up a woman and I couldn't ignore it but it switched from them threatening each other to threatening us.

We were, to an extent, lucky because he was renting and in the end was evicted but if he owned the place and there was little hope of him leaving then I would absolutely have moved. So I think my advice would be to find out if they own the property then if they do, move. But even if they don't, do be aware that the process of complaining to the council, complaining to the police and to the landlord is an arduous horrible one. We did it because we had to but thinking back on it makes me feel sick. That said, now he is gone, I feel like a different person. I absolutely adore where we live and feel joyful. But I think you need to really consider if it is worth fighting, especially if you are thinking of leaving in a few years anyway.

In the meantime, I recommend ear plugs for sleeping (it just stopped me lying there waiting to hear something) and having the radio on all the time. Having a quiet house makes it feel so much worse.

Good luck!

If you do move, my dad always recommends going to just hang about the street a few times beforehand (in a car if necessary, or just be slowly walking by). A selection of times - maybe a few weekday evenings, a Saturday night and Sunday day or similar, to check out the noise and general feeling of the street. Obviously it's not foolproof, but might give you some idea and save hassle in the longrun.

A guy at my work had a noisy neighbour (loud music all the time), so knocked and asked nicely if thd guy could stop it. The music went quiet for a day then started up again. He went back to the neighbours, and as the guy opened the door, my colleague punched him squarely on the nose without saying anything. Lovely and quiet after that! Perhaps unsurprisingly. Obviously not recommending this, but oddly refreshing to think about from time to time.

This made me smile so much! 😁

They may not realise that you can hear them and they may be embarrassed. It might stop or at least improve if you gently tell them you hear every word when they fight .
No Need for police unless you have at least let them know they disturb you .

Maybe you could install soundproofing boards on your joining walls? Unfortunately you can get noisy neighbours anywhere so there's no guarantee moving would help.

Hi all! Thanks for the advice and suggestions.

me and DP went round at 2:30am this morning in the midst of the woman screeching to tell them that whilst it’s none of our business what happens in their home it is absolutely our business to let know it’s wholly unacceptable and it has to stop because it’s causing so many problems with not feeling comfortable in our own house not to mention broken sleep, exhaustion and strain on our mental and physical health. The man answered the door and was very calm but has clearly been drinking and said he was really sorry and was quite polite about it and said “she gets mental when she’s had a drink” then there wasn’t a sound for the rest of the night. I did tell him if it happens again I will be calling the police immediately.

I just want to get the house on the market and get out. As first time buyers we should be really excited to be starting up/doing up our house to the standard we want over the next couple of months/year etc not feeling like this. It’s so deflating.

We’ve been there 5 months ish now and I’m wondering if anyone has been in the same situation and actually gone through with moving and how you did it in terms of what it cost aswell etc? If it helps to know our mortgage is with nationwide and as far as I know it can be ported.

Well done for going round. Maybe it will calm down a bit.

Don't fill in any forms.
Try and bear it and move asap.
Even if you have to wait a little...

I wouldn’t have personally gone there at 2.30am. You’re braver than me!

Hope it works and you get some peace, at least for a while.

I have awful neighbours and know how awful it can be. Mine tried to blackmail me via text message which was lovely. I didn’t cave but I’m always wondering if they’re going to kick off again.

While selling straight away will be too expensive I’d give yourself a deadline of say 2 years. If there are still issues then give yourself permission to sell. Don’t throw too much money at the house or do major renovations until you know what you’re going to do.

Thank you for the kind words/support.

@bluetongue I just couldn’t bear it anymore! We sleep with the Alexa playing sleep sounds every night to just calm my nerves as I can’t sleep with it being peacefully silent anymore because I’m so anxious they will ruin it at any moment so the sleep sounds help a little in terms of me actually drifting off but the woman’s shouting cut through it at 2:30am and I’d had enough - I put my dressing gown on and told DP I was going with or without him because I’m fed up beyond belief and it wakes me with such a start and heart palpitations. He came but he was too slow getting clothes on to go outside that by the time he made it out the house I was already on the drive next door with the man.

We did this in the car at different times of the day and on different days but in hindsight we should have walked past too as we’d have been able to hear things better that way!

You don’t have to convince me! I’d be out 2 months ago back to the lovely new build flat we rented for the last few years- pure private bliss!! I didn’t want to leave but DP wanted us on the property ladder which is understandable but I’d have bought where we were but he wanted a house!