Desperate for help- awful neighbours

[Constantlyonedge]

Hi, I’m looking for some advice please!

We bought our first house (1930s mid terraced) in the summer.

The neighbours on the side that share our bedroom and lounge wall are horrendous. They shout, scream, swear and fight and throw things at the walls at all times of day and night and it’s got me on edge in my own home and I get palpitations every time it happens - especially when it startles me awake in the early hours. It’s really stressing me out and making me feel like I hate the house when in reality it’s not the house I hate it’s the situation they are putting me in. What would you do if this was you? I just want to be able to relax and enjoy our first home that we’ve bought but it’s so impossible as each time it’s quiet I’m just on edge and tense waiting for another eruption of chaos. They are middle-aged couple if that matters at all and they are nice enough when we see them (say hi how are you etc) but they are clearly having problems and are so toxic for one another and I’m hoping they just separate or divorce so we don’t have to put up with the woman screaming about killing herself. We feel too awkward/worried to knock on and speak to them about this but it’s making my life miserable.

It just doesn’t feel like home to me and I’m just hating it.

We are a young couple- late 20s/ 30s and proud we’d managed to buy somewhere in a London borough given the current situations and we really wanted to love it for what it is - a first home and a step onto the property ladder (it’s only a little 2 up 2 down) and we’d planned to stay around 3/4 years to see it go up in value, maybe add an extension in that time and then move on to bigger things - and we would also

like to start having children at some point in the next few years but I just cannot even entertain that idea at the moment with how stressed it makes me and how ill it’s actually made me and the affect on my health, well being and also work life because I’m just exhausted- and that simply cannot happen if I was to be pregnant, I wouldn’t take that risk on my body and an unborn child.

I guess my question is what would you do in this situation?
I really just want to get the house on the market and just move but DP has said we just cannot afford to do that because that would create another lot of solicitor fees and stamp duty.

Im quite confused about how to figure it all out in terms of finances - so if for example we could sell our house for (just throwing a random figure) £20k more than what we bought it for and then we’d also have our deposit back, right? And then hopefully be able to port mortgage. Could you, if possible, help me figure out if that is correct and it could be made possible to move? So grateful for any advice.

Thank you so much in advance 🙏🏻

Yes you’re absolutely right it’s clear it’s very much both of them that are no good for the other but he just doesn’t seem to shout as much/often in the way she does. I wish it was just an easy thing for people to separate or divorce and perhaps they would- they must know within themselves that it’s really not normal behaviour or healthy to carry on this way ☹️

I would phone the police.

My neighbours did decades ago. They heard screaming, shouting, things smashing and stuff thrown against the wall.

They didn’t know they were saving my life making that call but made it anyway out of concern. I will always be grateful to them.

@Constantlyonedge That sounds like a couple of drunks kicking off ??
I knew of a woman in her 70’s who used to fight like cat and dog with her partner.
Both drank.
It ended when the bloke moved out.

A family member moved because of neighbour noise - He put up soundproofing but it didn’t really work.
Neighbour noise is horrendous,
Currently I have lovely quiet neighbs - but have had loud ones in past, it’s grim.

I’m so sorry to hear you suffered so terribly! I hope you’re happy in your new home now and feeling safe ❤️ that’s great you managed to break even.
I guess we are going to see how it goes when we speak with them and make decisions based on that xx

Yeah it’s quite possible!! I had thought it could be drink-related aswell unfortunately!

Oh I’m so glad they did and that you are safe. I hope you’re living life the way you want to now x

This so best to not report and move as soon as you can.

DV victims don’t always realise this isn’t the norm especially if they themselves had dysfunctional childhoods. I thought the abuse I was going through was perfectly normal. Even after that incident it took a lot of years and therapy to understand it wasn’t the norm.

Tjen there are also those that are so “broken” they believe this is all they are worth and continue staying with their abuser.

You also have the cunts that promise to change and do so for a bit.

If people knew and understood they wouldn’t return or stay for years would they?

We didn't have to pay stamp duty during lockdown. Thankfully. That was our saving grace!

I'm MUCH better now thank you :) still on anxiety medication and whenever the dog next door barks - I jump feet. I'm worried she'll move and awful people will move in though.

Two things to remember OP. 1) you have options and 2) nothing changes if nothing changes

X

I'd call the police if it really is thst bad e.g. throwing stuff in the middle of the night.
Most couples argue to an extent, but not that often and to the extent they're throwing things and the neighbours can hear. If you're really anxious about it you should phone police, not sure if you can remain anonymous though?
Or speak to them and say you can hear them, that's fairly embarrassing for most people

Thank you. Yes I am safe. However the mental scars from learned behaviour won’t leave and do hold me back.

You would think I would have learned from them. But alas no and another abuser honed in on me.

Abuse is very complex.

Tje neighbours may downplay it with police but who knows it might give them the “power” to realise it’s not an healthy relationship. The more reports given hopefully the police will refer them onto other agencies like victim support, women’s/men’s aid etc.

Also be aware of older people with dementia when you move.
Or children with noisy Autism / meltdowns or barking dogs.

I have known friends have life upended by “ Issues” -in neighbour’s children- Contant shrieking through the night - And ditto Dementia.
I’ve not ( Yet!) suffered these, but drumming has driven me dotty.
The drummer lived in another street.
Neighbours luckily complained to council.

There is something very distressing about children screeching or constantly having “Meltdowns”or dogs barking- and adults fighting.

A friend moved into a ‘shed ‘in his garden as was driven mad by neighbour noise.
He lives in a detached place now, much better for his emotional well-being.

We’re going to speak with them over the weekend and hopefully we can resolve the problems. If not I do think calling the police will have to be the action we take because the woman does often scream she’s going to kill herself (so it would be from that point of view and hopefully that kind of report won’t affect our future house sale) - she’s done this on several occasions over the last couple of months aswell as constantly telling her husband to f off and screaming that he’s a c - really horrific language and behaviours that we just really aren’t used to at all. She’s an awful woman and I’m sure he is no better but we just don’t hear him to quite the decibels we hear her.

We’ll be going detached next time for sure! I’m glad your friend is doing better with their emotional well-being and likely, overall health!
It will just mean we have to move to a commuter town/ or a bit further rather than be in a London borough but we’ll get more for our money further out anyway so eventually it will all work out, I’m just hoping in the mean time whilst we are here that talking to the neighbours will help ease the problems at least somewhat anyway!

So glad you’re doing well! 💐
See this is the problem!! We paid stamp duty in the summer only for it to disappear recently and now we’d have to pay stamp duty again if we were to move really soon because we aren’t FTB anymore! Plus all the other fees but if we could sell for more than what we paid I’m hoping that we’d sort of break even, if not be left with more to help soften the blow!

It does sound like it…
What a nightmare.
Alcohol makes some people aggressive- The couple of 70 yr olds I knew of - Each tried to blame the other, but they were enmeshed in a deeply unhealthy relationship ( and had been for decades!)
Individually they were fine, one would never have known, but get the demon drink into them, and it was horrible ( Each one said the other hit them)
Could you possibly aim for detached house?
In London, I know that’s not easy.

Noise pollution is a massive problem sound travels through walls and almost magnifies.

He is much, much better, thanks
I have stayed over in his spare room, and it’s silent.

He had to move out of Bristol where he was living. In a terraced house to a rural location.

Ordinary noise is acceptable-
I hear neighbour singing to his baby, and their radio?
Doesn’t bother me at all.

Angry screaming would have my nerves shredded.

Detached in London would be impossible for us at the moment, even semi was out of price range in the summer - at least our current borough where they seem to start around the 750/800k mark for detached. We could certainly look at moving out of a London borough into a commuter town though and we’d be able to WFH and would still travel into central a couple of days a week with no problems and that way we could look at detached houses. We just really love this area and it’s where DP grew up - we’ve full circled back to here after living in various places (for universities/jobs/life experience etc) and we do love where we are we just hate the situation we’ve found ourselves in :(

Oh that’s lovely!!

and yeah I agree, in a terraced house I would fully expect to hear general living noises - for example we hear the little girl on the other side sometimes running up/down the stairs (their stairs share a wall with ours on that side) and sometimes singing from their bathroom if their bathroom window/our bathroom window is open and that is absolutely fine, we don’t have an issue with things like that- sometimes hear the mum raise her voice but really not often at all and again this is all far more acceptable that the other side where they (like you’ve put it!) have my nerves in shreds.

If they are friendly to you then I would speak to them and let them know they are disturbing you. When my neighbours moved in they would be shouting (though not aggressively) in the early hours but they stopped as soon as I mentioned it was disturbing us, they were mortified.
I personally wouldn't sell up as it sounds like they probably won't be together long anyway. I also think phoning police is a good idea, it might be a wake up call for them

"I mentioned I haven’t because I’m worried that will antagonise them and I just wouldn’t know what to say. I hate confrontation"

There is nothing in this world like noisy neighbours to bring the confrontational side of people out. We had these God-awful hippies that moved into a flat below us once, who used to bang the fire doors all night (which woke you up with a real start), and have parties literally three or four times a week, with massive speakers blasting all night long. This in a block of flats where everyone else worked 9-5s. I'm usually quite unconfrontational and passive too, but used to frequently go downstairs and tell them to shut the he'll up, as I just saw red. Also used to leave the house 5 minutes early too, so I could ring their doorbell (from the street) for 5 minutes before I got my bus, and make sure they were well and truly awake whilst the rest of us were at work.

No real advice, just solidarity. It is awful - such an invasion - and I never felt at home in that place either, because of the noise. Really hope you can get something sorted.

@Constantlyonedge
Re the Dad singing to his baby-
It’s a deep baritone
It really is lovely.
She is a sweet little girl.
I hope they don’t move!!

In the middle of the night?

I'd get a pair of ear plugs.

I've rented flats where neighbours have argued but the worst (through no fault of their own) was renting next door to someone who had a mentally disabled child who screamed incessantly for hours on end. The only way I survived living there was by using ear plugs that would blot out the noise once the screaming started.

You can only hope your neighbours divorce and sell their place. Obviously their marriage doesn't sound very healthy.

In the meanwhile, get some earplugs: I used 3M Classic Ear which are around £4 for 5 pairs on Amazon. I still use them when I travel as some hotels/airbnb's can sometimes be noisy. (I once rented a nice apartment in Spain and the bedroom backed onto a restaurant where I could hear plates being washed/handled for most of the night).

Next time it happens, go round with your DH and just say 'we wanted to check you were ok. We heard a lot of shouting'. There's a possibility they'll be utterly mortified. You can do this a couple more times till it sinks in. If they're reasonable people (granted, they might not be!) this might do the job. I always prefer to try the 'softly softly' approach first. Worth a shot!