What should I get for my (tragically) bereaved colleague?

[SylvanianFrenemies]

My colleague's young adult child has died suddenly, I think via suicide but not sure.

I have messaged her and am going to write to her. I'd like to send her something but thought maybe not flowers as I'm guessing they will be swamped. Looking for ideas for what I should do or send.

We get on well, and I value her, but are friendly colleagues rather than actual friends.

I know that she wants to hear from people.

When a friend was widowed unexpectedly, I sent Cook vouchers, so that she could buy some freezer meals for her children to eat when she couldn't face cooking. I don't know if that would be of any use to your friend. Maybe just a card if you aren't sure.

Op I think that a hand written note would be lovely, nothing else is needed.

Could you visit her? If you know her well enough, food - either a meal that could be frozen or reheated, or a cake that would keep for a week or two - would be better than flowers. An offer of help would probably be well received.

Not flowers, I hated flowers when DH died a) I didn't have enough vases and b) the bloody things died and brought it all back again. A couple of people sent things like tea and biscuits, they came in useful for feeding me and the visitors I had. Someone else sent cake which seemed bizarre when I opened it but was really actually much appreciated as it was easy to eat at a time when I had lost my appetite. But I don't think there are any right or wrong answers, all gifts that came from the heart were wonderful as I knew people were thinking of us.

Definitely not flowers, I hated them and put them straight in the bin didn't even bring them into the house. I agree cook vouchers a nice idea if you want to buy something.

I agree that a handwritten note to let her know that you're thinking of her is all that's needed.

I'm a Cook vouchers person too. Friend said later they were a good present because remembering to eat, and just getting the energy for cooking, was one of those things to go.

Each to their own but I can't believe they make candles like that. I wouldn't send that unless you are 100% sure she would appreciate that sort of thing.

Visit her. People are so scared of the bereaved - sacred of it being awkward, scared of them crying, that many end up isolated. Visit, take some easy to heat up meals and just listen and be present.

I think the tea and biscuits idea is a good one. The amount of visitors that you have to provide for at a time like this can be overwhelming and you often run out of stuff. Maybe you could make up a little hamper/parcel of tea, coffee, biscuits and nibbles, soft drinks and if she has other, younger kids (even if not her own, but visiting family members with parents) maybe stuff to keep them occupied like colouring books/crayons etc.

People often avoid bereaved people. Please just pop in for 5 mins and give her a hug and take a food parcel. Coffee milk bread, cheese, soup magazine

I agree with this. And take a cake or tub of brownies. Everyone assumes people will be swamped but depending on friends and families locations that might not be the case. I wouldn't pin someone down to a time slot, just turn up and be prepared to leave your note & what you take if it's not a good time.

A note or letter is much more important than a gift. So many people are squeamish about death and avoid the bereaved, as though bereavement is somehow contagious. A note that says “sorry for your loss” is better than nothing but much better is a personalised letter. Use the adult child’s name not “your son”. Do you have any nice memories of when she has talked about him you could reference? Perhaps recalling her being so proud of him for something where you can say how clear her love for him is.

I would also offer to take her out for coffee or lunch when she wants to start getting back out. Then follow up later.

Visit go say hello and just take a cake and some biscuits. And just say if I can help with anything?

It's the practical stuff, but make sure she has your mobile and can msg when needed.

In a similar situation I took a good parcel and left it with my colleague’s relative. We sent flowers from work too.

I would be upset if I was sent one of those. They would go straight in the bin. So would flowers from anyone other than extremely close friends or relatives.
Just a card and maybe a coffee at a later time.

Some good suggestions here. And if you do go round, offer to do practical stuff like wash the dishes, empty the rubbish and tidy up. It's lovely having visitors but there's always that alone moment afterwards when you're having to clear up after them.

Yes, I’d be careful because those candles are fucking awful

When my Dad died, one of our neighbours left casseroles or a lasagne and a bottle of wine every night for a week. Then she took us out for lunch, and popped in with helpful things for the next couple of weeks - cakes, wine, a book about probate. I think without her we’d have lived on cereal or cheese and biscuits. So I’d say yes to food.

Yes to visit. Yes to take tea/nice soft drinks, biscuits and maybe a straight to oven pasta bake even from a supermarket so you can ‘cook’ for her whilst there or so she can cook later.

if she has pets maybe be her hand hold for a dog walk. Support with the things that must carry on are often what people need help with.

Thinking to my own grief. I really needed a buffer on the school run from the ‘OMG’ crowd, someone to shoo people away if it’s a bit much or just get a bath run so I’d do the self care things and a meal cooked so I’d eat. but this depends on how well you know her.

A card will be fine and as others have suggested more practical help. Some vouchers or take her some essentials round.

I agree with pp a well thought out note will go a long way.
When my DH died a good friend turned up unannounced with good and chocolate, at first I was annoyed as I didn't want to talk to anyone but she put the food out for both of us ( she knew me well enough to figure out what food i would like ) we ate in silence, then she just let me talk snd cry with no judgment or unwanted advice. Just quiet calm and reasuring.

If you can do the same for your friend she will remember in years to come just like I remember my friend v

Biscuits, tea, food.

A card or letter.

I agree that actually dropping round unannounced with no expectation of coming in is better than arranging a time. For me, the anticipation of someone coming would make me anxious.

I was trying to be a bit more tactful but fucking awful nails it.