What should I get for my (tragically) bereaved colleague?

[SylvanianFrenemies]

My colleague's young adult child has died suddenly, I think via suicide but not sure.

I have messaged her and am going to write to her. I'd like to send her something but thought maybe not flowers as I'm guessing they will be swamped. Looking for ideas for what I should do or send.

We get on well, and I value her, but are friendly colleagues rather than actual friends.

I know that she wants to hear from people.

Also when people die everyone is kind that week. And at the funeral. And there’s stuff to do. Admin. Decisions on services and music and burial or cremation, religious or not. So you get pushed along a grief conveyor. Then that’s it. Back to normal. but not.

So please please mark in your diary or phone or whatever to get in touch say a week or two or ten days or a month or whenever after the funeral and check in. Let her talk about her son, and cry, or whatever she needs.

Sorry I see you are colleagues rather than close friends. I'd go for cook vouchers in that situation.

It isn’t just the days and weeks; it is the months and the years. My friend’s Mum loves to talk about him many years later. I have heard all her stories but I listen to them again. In the earlier days, she wanted to hear his name and be reminded of the joy he brought.

Time is better than a gift and not just now. People are often great at first and then it tails off. Practical gifts such as biscuits or cake for guests or easy to eat food that doesn’t need to be heated for her. I am going to follow my own advice and give my friend’s Mum a call just to say hi.

The candles are not awful, they are just not to everyone's taste. A lot of people would appreciate them. What is "fucking awful" is being rude and unkind to someone who is just trying to support a stranger on the Internet.

My friends delivered a care package to me and my family when my dad dropped dead, it was a seriously fucked up situation and they brought a bag of small snacks, soft drinks, things for my son and even treats for my pets, still makes me choke up now when I remember that kindness. As a survivor of bereavement by suicide I can say that food isn't easy to face for a while afterwards so the small snacks and bottled drinks could be a good idea. You sound lovely BTW.

Definitely a card or a note , and visit. The most useful gift we got when suddenly bereaved was a big bag of breakfast things, like crumpets and juice, it honestly helped so much to be able to wake up and eat without thinking about it.

Thank you everyone.
I am not close enough to drop in at this early stage. It would feel invasive. Fortunately in this case there us a large supportive family and wider religious community.
I will suggest a visit in a couple of months.
For now I might send the biscuits. I like the idea of a candle (she is a candle person) but in this case I feel the message might feel like a burden. Any thoughts on plain candles?

Food always food as others have said. When my DPs and Dsis died (separately) people brought lasagne in disposible trays, apple tarts. One friend who was there soon brought basic food shop, milk, bread, ham, tea, cheese, wine but that was that day. Casseroles and either label the pot or don't expect it back.

The neighbours were fantastic, they came in and did all the washing up helped serve tea/ coffee. I know Irish funerals etc are different.

The idea of food vouchers is a good one as the last thing she will be thinking will be on what to cook

@qwerty3 I had a candle sent to me by a childhood friend that had my mother and sisters photographs on after they died, it remains unlit but cherished. Its a lovely idea.

I agree. There are some people who would really appreciate them.

I am very grateful for all the kind suggestions here.

When friends of ours lost their adult child in a possibly similar way they were inundated with flowers.
We visited with a cake, which was appreciated, and later sent a fruit bush (to be planted in the garden) as it had been the late DC's favourite fruit. The parents were keen gardeners and had the space for it. We also sent some potted rosemary, the 'remembrance' herb)

Each to their own but I can't believe they make candles like that. I wouldn't send that unless you are 100% sure she would appreciate that sort of thing.

I read this comment before I clicked the link and am a bit confused at the outrage. It's a basic candle with "in loving memory" on a sticker on the front.

OP I sent a friend a lovely white company candle when her mum died last year. It was very much appreciated, her DH also told me how much she'd liked it which is very out of character for him.

Agree with PPs that a hand written card or note and a visit when appropriate is the best. I only sent the candle because I'm far away and wanted her to know I was thinking of her

Food. Easy things that are good to snack on and don't take much preparation.
Is there anything practical you can do? Posting documents? Giving her a lift somewhere? Giving any of her family a lift to or from anywhere?
If you bring her flowers, bring a vase to put them in.
Write down the date of her child's death in your diary. Remember to acknowledge it next year so you can ask her how she is coping.
AS pp have said, after the funeral is the time that most people get back to normal and the bereaved person feels very alone.
I am six years on from losing my adult child. Few people remember but the I really appreciate the ones that do and take the trouble to ask me how I am.

Appreciate this might not be appropriate depending on the person and your relationship, but when I went through a tragic unexpected bereavement (young family member dying in a freak accident), my friend texted me to say she was picking me up at 10am and we were going for a walk in the forest (didn't give me the option of saying no).

It was wonderful to get out in the fresh air among living things instead of sitting at home continuously thinking about the accident.

From experience (DM's perspective when we lost my DS suddenly and unexpectedly) kind words in a letter or card will be more than enough and very very much appreciated. The period between someone passing and the funeral can be a whirlwind with family and close friends rallying round and with lots to do, but people seem to think that life goes on once the funeral has taken place, and they all carry on with their lives when yours is still very much on hold. It's the worst and emptiest time in my opinion. My DM often said that she wanted to yell at people that life wasn't "back to normal" just because the funeral had taken place. Nothing was (or would ever be) "normal". She wanted to talk about my DS and for people to acknowledge that she existed instead of crossing the road because they didn't know what to say. Maybe offer to take her out for lunch, or drop round with a cake or some biccies for a coffee and a chat once the funeral has taken place. Let her know that you are there for her. This will be the time when she will be feeling lost. People move on so quickly. Your support when she is back at work will be really important too, So sad 😔

Letters and cards, especially when they have more than just a signature in them, are something that can be read again and again if that helps. I know it is a very different situation but what really touched me when my dad died was the people I was NOT close to who took the time to visit and drop a packet of biscuits on the door step or to write a letter. If they had phoned I probably couldn't have coped with speaking to them and if they had planned to call I would have cancelled but faced with someone at the door who has come simply to show they care with no expectation of being catered for or given a drink or even coming in was a comfort.

And food. Cook vouchers look great. The day my dad died my best friend came to the house as soon as the children were in school with a big bag of sausage rolls, milk, and biscuits and she spent the day in the kitchen making drinks, washing up, making sure we were all fed.

When my friend's son died I took a dozen tins of soup and some part baked bread so that there was always something to eat whenever she was at home. I also took her son to school and back for a while until she was ready to do the school run again.

When dh died unexpectedly a friend sent Waitrose vouchers. It was very kind as although I normally shop at tesco we do have a local waitrose and I could choose to buy either food or a treat of some sort.

My brother died when he was 21. I remember my mum saying that the number of visitors and phone calls (pre text) nearly sent her demented. Then after the funeral - nothing. Send a hand written letter now and take her for lunch when the dust settles.

DSis, not DS

This has recently happened in our family. You are right with something as simple as a handwritten note. It would mean so much more than something specific.

A homemade cake, a meal for the freezer, maybe a potted plant - I received these with gratitude.

The loveliest thing I was given was a copy of Charlie Mackesy's book 'The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse' but it was from a close friend who knew I'd like it. It's mainly beautiful illustrations so no concentration required, and a gentle message.

I love the candle, and will be buying one because I light a candle every year on the anniversary of my dad's death for a few minutes to remember him with no distractions. But I wouldn't want one at the rawness of bereavement because it would remind me of the finality of death.

If you are friendly colleagues I don't think you should drop in - if you didn't socialise before, why start now? I think your overtures should be kind and in keeping with your relationship.

If there is a large family and community I imagine most angles are covered and a kind warm message in a card would be welcomed.

@LittlePearl It's a beautiful book and one I have gifted a few times. I think it's appropriate for close or not so close friends.

I was given some pillow sprays to help me sleep, which was very thoughtful.

www.independent.co.uk/extras/indybest/house-garden/best-sleep-spray-sleep-b1805723.html

But Cook meals dropped off, and meals and cake from other friends were a real god send. I sent also Cook vouchers to a work colleague who was suddenly bereaved just after I'd lost my DH.