What should I get for my (tragically) bereaved colleague?

[SylvanianFrenemies]

My colleague's young adult child has died suddenly, I think via suicide but not sure.

I have messaged her and am going to write to her. I'd like to send her something but thought maybe not flowers as I'm guessing they will be swamped. Looking for ideas for what I should do or send.

We get on well, and I value her, but are friendly colleagues rather than actual friends.

I know that she wants to hear from people.

Not flowers, she will be bereft. Literally nothing will console her. I think at this stage a note.

maybe later something else . A friend of mine suddenly lost her DH overnight. But I know she was inundated with food and it was too much. Lots of food arriving and lots of dishes to return. In the end she sent a note via a friend saying please don’t send me more food.

This is truly awful advice. The worst I've seen on here. No. Let her know you care.

That is sad, sorry you've had so many bereavments that you have usual gift. I have been lucky I guess not to have much direct experience so only thinking what might be appreciated

I would take a simple meal - lasagne or stew. (I often buy old ovenware in charity shops in case someone is poorly or needs help). She won’t feel like cooking or eating but something warm and easy to eat might keep her strength up.

I think it's tricky because food has in some ways become the new flowers. I'd take non perishables like nice biscuits or really good instant coffee, which takes no looking after or thinking about.

My young teen brother, who was the apple of my eye, was killed in terrible and mysterious circumstances. I will never forget the first person who called on me - it wasn't a friend, but an acquaintance. She brought me some ground coffee and a cafetiere, two loaves of special home baked bread, some butter and some cheeses. I lived off that for a week. I never forgot that. Only you know if you know her well enough to call uninvited, but if you do, I would take something practical.

I did get a lot of flowers left on the doorstep and I loved them. I put them in the conservatory. A card also means a lot - I kept all mine.

I would send a care package but maybe give it a couple of weeks. www.etsy.com/uk/listing/877806782/im-here-for-you-gift-thinking-of-you?click_key=5c7f10377380f363ac4594c75bef144d3e063d4e%3A877806782&click_sum=6664cb66&ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=grief+care+package&ref=sr_gallery-1-4&frs=1&bes=1

I’m amazed people would throw flowers in the bin. And I’ve been swamped by flowers when we had an awful bereavement. Why?

@Newpuppymummy I hated flowers when dd died. It was a constant, visible reminder that something awful had happened. And it seemed so impersonal. I gave them all to neighbours/ threw them away.

OP I would send a care package. It doesn’t need to be lavish gift, but a personal note and gift that seems more personal than flowers. Something like this: elizaandted.co.uk/collections/shop-curated-gift-boxes/products/the-tea-break-gift-box-pink

Please, please, please no candles. Why muck up the climate still further - most candles are pretty disastrous for the environment and people who use them should be ashamed. And no flowers, either, unless you know that certain species really xtraordinarily mean/meant something to her -or, more important - her family.
What meant most to me when we lost a family member was people offering to give a donation to a good cause - any good cause, of their choosing - in the dead person's name.

Just want to say thank you to everyone for the advice and suggestions, especially those of you who have shared your own experiences of grief.

As advised, I will keep it simple, and remember to check in with her in the weeks and months ahead.

Thanks again.

Agreed. Grim

Some sort of vouchers seems like a good plan- if there isn't a cook nearby then deliveroo vouchers might be another option.

I wouldn’t eat the casseroles and would worry over whose dish was whose.
Flowers just die too.
The candle would go in the bin.
Cakes are a celebratory food to me.

I think just a note or card. Ask if you can do anything. Maybe offer to walk the dog.

Haven’t read all the posts but try the website don’t buy her flowers, it’s great you can make really thoughtful little care packages and they have suggested ones too. Nice things like lavender pillow spray, luxury tea and biscuits, comfy slippers. Just sweet comforting things. If she’s lost a child nothing is going to ‘help’ but I think a thoughtful gift is lovely so she knows she’s in your thoughts

The other thing I bought although was for a close friend was a links of London locket for them to fill how they thought best. But might be a bit much if not super close

@SylvanianFrenemies you sound lovely. Just let her know that you are there for her.
A handwritten note is really lovely. I would also make sure that she knows that she can contact you through different mediums phone/text/messenger etc as she may want to talk but not talk iyswim

I know my opinion is different to most of the posters, but I can’t imagine that people in the acute phase of such a grief would care for presents. It’s either physical presence or the gift of space

These are worse than flowers.

I'd visit her too perhaps with a nice hamper of bits she can snack on or a nice box of biscuits that she can offer out for visitors with a cup of tea.

I just had a look at Cook - minimum spend £40 for delivery and an account needed. Not all areas covered. I'm not sure I'd want to be ordering frozen ready meals when there's a Tesco nearby.

Not being funny but I don't see the need for people to have been rude to @qwerty3 who offered a helpful suggestion from her own experiences.
I've tried to politely counter some suggestions but saying something added to be helpful, which is perfectly innocuous, is 'fucking awful' is unkind. It's so weirdly competitive on here sometimes to be the best at advice or suggestions.

@mam0918 literally nowhere is the advice in situations like this to do nothing.

When my son died, we were swamped with flowers. But that didn't matter at all. It was comforting that so many people took the trouble to give flowers, sometimes just leaving them at our house without us even knowing who they were from.
I don't think, at that time, it is important, or even welcome, to find a meaningful, genuinely enjoyable gift because a truamatically bereaved person isn't really likely to be in a place where they can get pleasure from it or fully register it. Flowers are good precisely because they are conventional, they don't ask too much of the recipient. And because they are short-lived. They stay inside that strange time of shock and unreality, where they have their function.

Honestly, just visit or write a brief note in a card. I didn’t want flowers, food or anything else after DH died. But the friends who travelled to see me were greatly appreciated and valued.