What should I get for my (tragically) bereaved colleague?

[SylvanianFrenemies]

My colleague's young adult child has died suddenly, I think via suicide but not sure.

I have messaged her and am going to write to her. I'd like to send her something but thought maybe not flowers as I'm guessing they will be swamped. Looking for ideas for what I should do or send.

We get on well, and I value her, but are friendly colleagues rather than actual friends.

I know that she wants to hear from people.

Sadly I know several people who’ve been in this situation and the feedback is consistent. The world rallies around in the immediate aftermath and then vanish.

Send a handwritten card. And then in a few weeks when the support is dwindling send a gift. Or better still ask if she would like to go for dinner. Let her know she’s not forgotten and people want to spend time with her.

Agree @OneFrenchEgg . Thank you @qwerty3

Unfortunately have been around a lot of bereavement lately & nice candles have been appreciated & used.

Also biscuits, a nice note book, depending on if she may be a writer. Flowers, hampers. Nothing has been classed as 'f ing awful'

I think you'll get the tone right whatever you choose, you seem very careful about your colleagues situation.

It’s so lovely you are thinking of her and any gesture would be appreciated I’m sure. My colleagues didn’t do anything when my Dad died and it still hurts as I considered them friends.

Agree with the handwritten note - especially if you knew or had met the child & can say something nice about them, or about her dedication to the child/family.

Love pp suggestion about bag of snacks for anyone in the house.

When my mum died, it got a bit stressful finding enough vases for the flowers but anything that was sent was so appreciated to know we were in peoples thoughts. A friend organised a platter of sandwiches from a local deli the day after she died, which saved thinking about feeding a houseful for a day.

Also, down the line a bit, I'd really recommend gifting the book 'a manual for heartache'. It's a gentle book which really helped me when grieving & I've bought for a suddenly bereaved friend recently & was appreciated.

I would say a handwritten note or card is the best thing

Well done everyone who ridiculed the poster who suggested a candle. You've shamed her in to deleting her post.

Honestly, I despair of this site sometimes, why do people have to be so heartless? The OP is perfectly capable of deciding whether her colleague would appreciate receiving a candle or not, it's not necessary to label someone's well-meaning suggestion 'fucking awful.'

I agree. Just a very thoughtfully worded card atm. Then another in 2/4 weeks. Then coffee & a listening ear over time.

These are one of the reasons that people feel awkward and avoid the bereaved not knowing what to do or how to react. When my friends dh died and I was upset as it was sudden, young, suicide, I loved him I was accused on MN of making it about me. No one saw me cry. It made me feel like a weirdo being sad my friend of many years was dead.

caveat (hadn't seen the candle post upset). I think a card will he enough, but anything modest will be fine. Your colleague will know you meant well.

Everyone sends flowers at the start. Then you have the funerals and suddenly everyone stops talking about it. Send her a card and visit now, but send flowers in a month, when the dust (and the sadness) settles.

You mention that she will have support from her wider religious community, which suggests that she is religious herself. Could you look up what is an appropriate gift for her religion? For instance a Mass card if she is catholic. Some religions welcome a gift of flowers but others it’s considered inappropriate. May also show you care enough to take her beliefs into account.

That is such a wonderful, kind thing for your neighbour to do. Sorry for your loss.

When I was bereaved one of my colleagues sent me the loveliest note saying how sad she was to hear my news and how whenever she heard me talk about the person it was clear how special and loved they were. The right words can be an amazing comfort far more so than any gifts. Ten years on, I'm sure there was food and flowers but it's that card I remember.

Some of my close friends gave me the gift of space when I was bereaved and it was the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced. Your gift of space @mam0918 is likely to feel more like a punishment.

The cliche that “you find out who your friends are” is so very true. It was one of my colleagues who I got on with but wasn’t really close to who stepped up and was brilliant. I never did hear from those friends. You sound thoughtful, just like that colleague of mine @SylvanianFrenemies

In defence of the candle, I sent one to a friend who had, not unexpectedly, lost her mum. I know she appreciated it as messaged me several times, including a pic of it lit. I had wanted to give something different to flowers and something which could be posted as it was during covid and I couldn’t visit. I don’t think I would give a candle on the death of a dc though.

I gave flowers to a friend who tragically lost her tiny dd when we were both mid twenties. I’ve always regretted as I visited and the house was overrun with flowers. However, I know she understood that people were just trying to let her know they were thinking of her and her DH, she has said as much since.

I think the idea of a note is great if you can comment genuinely and nicely on the deceased person or the relationship with your friend.

Practical and thoughtful. Food vouchers for ready meals and a hamper of nice things biscuits, teabags, chocolate, bath salts, lip balm,

Part of the problem with candles is that they seem morbid to me. The flickering, insecure flame, the dwindling wax, the snuffing out of life. The symbolism of a candle would be too depressing and upsetting to me. Perhaps other people see a candle as a light in the darkness or some such, but I didn’t.

Yes I would recommend visiting. If it has been suicide people often don't know what to say (well people often don't know what to say anyway) and I'm sure she will appreciate your company.

I lost a friend to suicide and his wife was left almost friendless as people just didn't know what to say. To the extent the at they used to cross the road to avoid her!! I visited every week or so and we went for a walk or whatever which I know meant a lot to her.

That's so kind!!