What should I get for my (tragically) bereaved colleague?

[SylvanianFrenemies]

My colleague's young adult child has died suddenly, I think via suicide but not sure.

I have messaged her and am going to write to her. I'd like to send her something but thought maybe not flowers as I'm guessing they will be swamped. Looking for ideas for what I should do or send.

We get on well, and I value her, but are friendly colleagues rather than actual friends.

I know that she wants to hear from people.

I would find it difficult buying a gift in this situation. You're not close friends so I would go for something very safe. Some people will appreciate a particular gift, and others will find that same gift insensitive...it's a risk you take when you don't know her inside and out

Flowers aren't a bad suggestion, you might be the only person giving her flowers if everyone else thinks someone else has got her some?

If you're decently close, maybe it's worth offering to take her out for lunch in the future or giving her a gift card for her favourite place maybe. Some restaurants might even order to her home so she can have a nice meal if she doesn't feel up to going out

For me personally, I'd like a colleague to not be overbearing. Something like "I'm sorry for you loss and I'm here if you need to talk. Don't worry about work as we have you covered. Take as much time as you need." to be more than sufficient and I wouldn't expect a gift

Absolutely. Those candles are awful and would be really upsetting to receive. It would go straight in the bin, even if I thought the person meant well. No flowers. Something else to look after and swamp your house with stuff, and the overpowering scent of lilies or decaying foliage. Tea, biscuits, cake, food would be OK by me, but I know others who wouldn’t like that.

We (me and my siblings), got given a hamper of coffee, tea, sugar, sweeteners, 3x2litres of milk and a variety of biscuits from a neighbour we barely knew when dad died. It was the best thing anyone could have possibly got us.

A little hamper of things like posh tea bags/coffee, biscuits, cake etc

You dont even know what happened or how they died so your clearly not that close... the gift of space is the best thing you can give.

Let them just grieve in peace.

How about something like this, if you like the candle idea
www.amazon.co.uk/Rosemary-Friendship-Personalized-Birthday-Christmas/dp/B0B496CNJM/ref=mp_s_a_1_16_sspa?crid=1GH8ZCTBDRIZ2&keywords=bereavement+candle&qid=1668793118&sprefix=candle+berea%2Caps%2C90&sr=8-16-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9waG9uZV9zZWFyY2hfYXRmX25leHQ&psc=1&smid=A2C93DG52485CP

This biscuit company is lovely and they’ll
hand write a special note for you. I’ve sent them to bereaved family and friends over the years and they’ve always been appreciated.

www.the-kitsch-hen.co.uk

My dh died in October, food was useful and just listening to her and not judging her for not doing grief right. Go to see her if you can with cake because she probably doesn’t have the headspace right now for food shopping.

Thinking about it, I associate gifts with celebration - I wouldn't want a cake or posh biscuits, or anything really.

Well those candles are getting a pretty polarised response so probably don’t send one. (I think they’re awful). Food or a note and a willingness to talk now and in the future.

As someone who has lost 2 children (as babies though, so different circumstances, I would agree that Cook vouchers are very good and can be kept until they are ready to use them. I admit that, both times, I only ate so my DH didn't have to worry about me on top of his grief. But the Cook vouchers gradually got me to eat a little again. I'd say no to flowers. They just die and that depressed me. The only other thing which helped me was donations to charity in my sons' names. But that could be a sensitive subject in her case.

Longer term, just try to check in with her every now and then. Just a brief message here and there, nothing invasive. People tend to disappear and it can be very lonely.

No candles or flowers. It sounds as though you are acquaintances rather than close friends so atm I think a card is enough to let her know that you are thinking of her , let her close family and friends who know both her and the family be the ones who can offer emotional and physical support . In a few weeks time then contact again and ask if she would like a visit, or to meet up for a walk. See how she responds and take it from there.

Maybe this is just me but I wouldn't know what to do with a Cook voucher , is it something you'd have to set up an online account for. I can't imagine I'd be in any state to do that. Actual food would be much more useful imo

Yes to a card or a simple note. Yes to anything you can do to personalise the message. Yes to something consumable but not perishable - biscuits ideal. No to anything with “sympathy” messages unless you know she likes it.

Drop round if you can. But the stuff above is enough. Agree with people saying that kindness after the funeral especially welcome.

I'm not claiming to be close, that's the point. I want to show her I'm thinking if her without being invasive.

She messaged me to say that her child had died totally unexpectedly and they are distraught. You might think I should have asked for "the gossip"? I think most normal people, close or not, wouldn't probe.

Sorry - I would have hated to have received one of these from a colleague when my sister / dad / mum died.

OP, a hand written card will be perfect. I’ve still got all the cards I received from people when my loved ones died.

A donation to a bereaved parents charity, and a card with a heartfelt message perhaps.

The responses on this thread show how much opinion differs! But I think it's possible to overthink things and then be paralysed and not do anything.

I agree that too many flowers can be difficult to cope with but other than that, anything and everything I have received in the past I understood was a token of someone's care and concern - that's the bit that really matters, and it does bring comfort. It didn't really matter if not everything was 'to my taste'.

People were showing they cared and it really did help

She obviously feels close enough to have messaged you OP, so ignore that poster.

I agree cook vouchers are a good idea, or perhaps ubereats/deliveroo.

You sound like a very kind colleague

I’ve often sent bereaved friends a blanket as a gift so I can send them a woolly hug. Dunelm do lovely fluffy ones or The English Blanket Company have beautiful ones in a wide array of colours.

One of m colleagues wrote me the most beautiful note about my dedication to my parent and what a great daughter I had been.

In my first week back, he took me to the coffee shop where he had seen me sit with my mum as we waited for appointments in the hospital. He snuck in a small snifter of my favourite tipple and we drank a toast to her. It was quite simply perfect from the most unexpected person.

Keep it simple

Not flowers and no presents. It’s not a present occasion. Nothing will matter to her other than human connection when she can face it. Being there and not drifting off after a few months will mean the most.

Cake.

I usually send gower cottage brownies.

Homemade cakes and a box of fruit were most appreciated when I lost my DH. Agree that flowers are a pain after a bit - not enough vases and having to sort out all the dead ones.

A note would be lovely. Offers of practical help - lifts if theybdont drive, getting shopping, helping cater if they are doing their own wake etc.

And then maybe some flowers in a few weeks. At a time when a lot of people are expecting her to be getting back to "normal" she will appreciate that someone is still thinking about her.