If you’ve been married along time, how did you get through rough patches ?

[Wolfscarf]

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Knowing that I couldn't imagine growing old with anyone else.
If I'm honest, I didn't love him as much when the kids were little - he struggled and wasn't that good a parent then - but absolutely adore him again now and glad we got through it.

Thank you for replying
so basically you stick with it through a rough patch until you got to the smooth again

Being honest about what the problems are, keep talking. But don't let a rough patch drag on if it's more than that - I think you can lose the love for a while but when you lose respect it is too late.

Don't be afraid to have the difficult conversations x

That's what we did. But there was never any abuse or affairs - it'd be different then. I thought he wasn't involved in family life enough, he probably thought I was too much. I did sometimes want to ask him to leave, but so glad I didn't now.

We've never had any seriously rough patches or any huge rows. It's more every day irritation and bickering that gets me down. We seem to go through phases of being lovely to each other for a few weeks then bickering for a few weeks. During these bad times I sometimes feel I just want to split up and how lovely life would be without the bickering!
However, I know deep down that the good times outweigh the bad, that DH is a good man who has my back (despite being somewhat irritating!). Basically I just grit my teeth and bear it during a bad phase. Also keep myself to myself more, keep all exchanges light and pleasant and change the subject/go elsewhere if it looks like we'll start bickering.

This is really nice advice. Thank you for being realistic. I find the howls on here to leave as soon as there's any rough patches completely unrealistic as well as the claims that married couples never have ups and downs. In 27 years we've had a few blips and wonderful times and many times in between. My parents split up and honestly I found it very very difficult. I can see that playing out in dc of friends who are divorced. So I don't think leaving at the first blip is right.

So I'm welcoming the advice on this thread as we're currently in a down due to DHs mental health.

Cussedness

Keep communicating, remembering/reminiscing about the good times, remembering how you got through other rough patches and trying to get some quality time together (without kids).
We’ve had fertility issues including multiple miscarriages, mental health crisis, a baby with cancer who was then diagnosed Autistic and most recently parent Ill health. Our marriage is far from perfect and we argue fairly frequently but we somehow manage to keep going and making time for each other.

Been together 10 years, got married this April. Had ups and downs (nothing serious like cheating, abuse) - I think we're both quite realistic about our marriage, that we are both individuals with flaws who will go through personal good and bad periods - never any expectation of fairytale marriage. It's about talking and supporting each other, for us having our own interests, hobbies and friends as we're both quite independent. Acknowledging when you're wrong! I think committing time as a couple is important, nothing fancy just talking or doing something without your phones...

I think you do have to grit your teeth. My DH is autistic (neither of us understood this when we got married). It has made things very hard at times. There have definitely been times when I have fantasised about living without him and we have had some massive fights. However, I do know he’d do anything for me. I think I see marriage as making that person your family. I mean, sometimes my children really piss me off but I don’t abandon them, I just accept that they’re being really annoying, deal with it and move on. Equally, I see my husband as annoying sometimes but just accept that it’s part and parcel of sharing every aspect of your life with another (and in my case, very different) human being.

Great word 😁

As long as there is no abuse or infidelity then you just have to keep going. That’s what the marriage vows are for. There’s far too much LTB on here for relatively minor issues. We had our moments years ago, but now we’ve settled into that comfortable companionship that you hear so much about and only ever “row” about who’s turn it is to go fetch whatever from the kitchen.

We've been married 11 years, together for 15 and we had a bad couple of years 2019/2020 with some infidelity (me not him) not an affair but texts. We love each other more than ever and with communication and counselling have come out of the other side.

I agree with others, grit your teeth and get through it.
I don't believe you can always be happy in life or marriage, it's a journey with lows and highs, and hopefully more happiness than sadness.
But I'm so glad we weathered some awful times, as now we enjoy our grandchildren, the freedom to go off for day trips, eat out, etc. Whereas I see divorced friends feeling so lonely when they hit their 50s, and family is grown and gone.
But overall DH was a decent person, even during the bad times, so I'm sure it'd be different if he was abusive, and I'm not saying someone should put up with that.

people don’t seem to talk often enough about hard to get through hard times
ideas could be shared more

Definitely. Marriage is shown to be the wedding, the glamorous side. Nothing about when you’re sick of the sight of them. Nowhere in our culture gives you basic marriage support and advice.

By having realistic expectations. If you're married long enough, you're going to have to write off a bad month, bad season, bad year sometimes.

And when it's come down to it and someone's said 'so, do you actually want to get divorced then?' the answer is always no. So we get our heads down and plough on until things get better.

Just getting on with things is a big part of a long marriage, in my opinion.

I never see LTB on here for minor things. It’s generally when an OP has put up with so much shit for so long that they’ve reached out at a point of desperation. So I disagree with PPs about that.

For rough patches: keep communicating as often as you can. Sometimes this means rows. Sometimes after a row there’s an ‘issue amnesty’ and you find stuff out about how each other have been feeling. Mainly just hold on tight and wait it out. Remind yourself of their good points just as you would do a gratitude journal to focus your mind on the positive. Try to hug every day and say something nice if you can, and try to laugh - about anything. Practice self care. Make your OH a cup of tea when you make yourself one. Try to think of things from their point of view. Make sure there are a few shared things if you can, even if it’s a shared tv show which you both find compulsive viewing.

Little things like that. Of course, if your partner is insufferably selfish and/or unkind then you have a different problem.

I like my house and garden. If I divorced DH I’d have to sell up and move into a much smaller and less nice house. So that’s a pretty big incentive to not divorce him! Also it would disadvantage the kids massively if we divorced, so we stay together for their benefit.

Imo half of the problem nowadays is that people think they can just get divorced if they want to. Once you accept that it’s not possible to get divorced you will find solutions to help you get along.

Addressing the issues. Serious talking. Weekends away rembering why we are together , laughing is very important

Considering the vows - in good times and bad, sickness and health. We had a terrible time a few years ago but when it came to it neither of us could imagine a life without the other. We both still loved each other, even if the hard times, even when we seemed to hate each other.

Have a fulfilling life alongside the marriage: career, friends, family, interests. Then, when the marriage is going through a bad patch, there’s enough in your life to keep you happy.

Marriage can be hard work and no one seems to talk about it. For us we try to focus on the fact that we're in it together. So we try to be gentle and forgiving when one of us is struggling. I think we're both quite good at being strong and supportive when the other can't be.

The main thing is to talk. So many couples don't share their feelings, and they just build up until they're too big to deal with.

If something's wrong - talk. Tell your partner how you feel, and both of you be open and honest when you feel things aren't right about what you feel needs to change to make things right again.

No shouting, no arguing, sensible talking.

If someone has cheated or is abusive, I think that's different. I couldn't and wouldn't trust again after an affair.