If you’ve been married along time, how did you get through rough patches ?

[Wolfscarf]

?

We love each other but more importantly we LIKE each other. He's a good bloke, a good dad.

My only real grump is he is very slow to do anything around the house. I lose my shit every now and again and he improves and than slowly backslides until the next time. After 20 years married and nearly 25 together that's not bad

Talking, still saying ‘I love you’ at the end of the day, working at it, and remembering that they’re just issues to be worked out, as at the end of the day, I’d rather be with him than without. And that we used to really like each other, before life stresses got thrown in the way. Book some time so you can actually talk, which is nigh on impossible in normal circumstances with small DC.

Married 22 years.

We’ve had some seriously rough patches.

In particular, I was very unhappy when our kids were small and I struggled with finding marriage and family life oppressive.

We stuck together because there is a genuine love for each other there, even at those times when the romance was temporarily dead or one of us was seriously fucked off with the other.

I don’t think either of us ever seriously entertained the idea of divorce. We love our family so much. People say ‘don’t stay together for the sake of the kids’ and I agree if there is abuse or the relationship is just long term not working. But working it out for the sake of the family unit is underrated. My kids are nearly grown now, me and DH are the happiest we’ve ever been and we have both matured a lot and realise how lucky we are to have each other. I am so glad I didn’t throw in the towel over some nonsense years ago.

!

But I do have two lines.
No infidelity.

No pushing me around/violence. I decided early on that if he did it once I would explain to him that you made a mistake. But do it again, and I wont see you for dust.

If someone has cheated or is abusive, I think that's different. I couldn't and wouldn't trust again after an affair.
Abuse is the only reason I’d divorce. I’d forgive an affair or possibly even ignore it. I live on a middle class private estate, we have two cars, my kids have music and dance lessons and nice clothes, and I have nice expensive hobbies like painting… no way I’d give all of that up just because DH can’t keep his dick in his pants.

I meant to write yes not !

Communicating - it’s bloody difficult to do in practice but you have to keep at it until you both understand each other. You never really know each other fully, and you have to keep puzzling away at it all the time. We connect on a very deep level, but we can see and experience the same event very differently. Most of our issues come from assuming that we know what the other one is thinking.

And sex is important, in all it’s iterations. There’s so much more to sex than the magazine version. Being able to touch each other without sex is vital too.

I think marriage is about continually seeking each other- turning towards each other.

By both of you knowing you need to do better and doing better. It doesn't work if only one person works at a marriage.

We've been married 22 years. It's not easy, and we recognise that we need to spend more time together to stay connected and not just live like housemates with children together. It's hard finding that time though with us both working full time and having 3 school age children. We find even just going out for a drink for an hour makes a difference, as it's time just to sit and chat.

We don't often fall out, but I think that's because plenty of things go unsaid between us. It's often easier to let things go, than end up in an argument.

He's gone away this week, and it's great to have some time to myself(& the bed to myself!) The break has been good. He's an absolutely essential part of our lives and home though and however tricky things can sometimes feel, I wouldn't want to be without him!

Tbh everyone I know in long marriages including myself is struggling with something.
Sex
Money
Children and step children
Inlaws
Housework
I find the whole institution of marriage really difficult honestly. I found it even harder when kids were small. In theory marriage should be 50-50. In practice I havent been able to implement this.

Keeping talking and keep bickering! If something annoys me, I can't hold it in and neither can DH. We both say it as it happens, we sometimes argue about said thing or talk about it, and then we are quite good at just moving on and forgetting about it because we want to enjoy our day together. With bigger arguments, we always make sure both of us say sorry and hug (bit cringe I know).

When you know the other one is struggling, just quietly support them. That's what my DH does for me and I try and do for him. Although it doesn't come as naturally to me admittedly.

I think its different if someone has cheated or been abusive though.

And I've only been together 10 years and married 2! So I've still a lot to learn!!

20 years here. Someone said once that a key to a long marriage is not wanting to get divorced at the same time😂. Something to be said for that.

I think overall, for me, it was a decision to stick with it. So we have approached every challenge with the mindset that we will get through to the other side, together. No adultery, no abuse etc though.

I think also for me, I need to be my own person, I need space. I need independence. My dh is the same. We do alot of things separately outside of the home, which is easier now when the children are getting older.

Sorry to hijack but any tips on recovering intimacy? We had a terrible pandemic and have now forgotten how to connect with each other as we just fall exhausted into bed. Housemates! Who now both WFH ( doesn't help).

As long as there is no abuse or infidelity then you just have to keep going.

This but if there are any major issues (we did very nearly split 10 years ago) DH agreed to go to counselling and that definitely saved our marriage. So don’t just plough on regardless, do seek help of you need it.

DH and I have been together 9 years and married in August. So not very long yet in reality. But I have a strong feeling this one will last the distance. We have 100% already worked our way through stressful times and points where we might have given up had our love for each other not been strong enough.

But the major difference I've found in this relationship (including my previous marriage) is a willingness on both sides to change and grow together in our relationship. Even after all this time we still learn things the other needs and wants (because they change with time), and both care and value each other enough to act on that because we want to make the other happy. We're kind to each other, we do the little things. We know what's important to the other to be happy and we work to give that. Sometimes that means putting yourself out when you don't particularly want to, but when you see the resulting happiness it's all worth it.

36 years here. By accepting that the years during which you raise your kids will be poor and bloody difficult, and that you have no choice but to suck it up or be even worse off. The reward kicks in almost overnight when the kids go.

Talking.
Honesty. Not in a nasty way though.
Not allowing minor issues to fester.

There's more but I think the first two cover most situations.

Infidelity and abuse are my deal breakers. Fortunately not an issue in our marriage.

I haven't read all of the responses but sometimes you just have to ride it out. For us things have improved each time we have hit a rough patch. We are just coming out of one now and it is no fun.

Married 19 years.
we have some words that we don’t use toward each other when arguing,
we have had marriage therapy - it was very helpful. But we had it because a DC was having a stressful time and we were not coping. But a lot of really helpful stuff came out of it.
Also as I get older I am less upset when DH is upset. I think ok I have seen this before. It will pass and it does.

We've been together 25 years, married for 19. The hardest part was when we had three young DC, I was a SAHM and DH was working long hours. Divorce did cross my mind then.

The last 10 years have been great though. IMO it's about being kind to each other and laughing together. We rarely argue or even bicker, but our sex life does go through dry patches.

I think, after a while you start to recognise that the bad patches are just that, a phase. For us it's usually a trigger that we haven't been communicating very well and have been taking each other for granted. Experience makes this much easier to notice, and act on.

33 years of marriage here. Not had a rough patch yet, but I guess we would talk it through over a pot of tea.

We’re at 20 years together now. Not had many rough patches. Only time we came close was after birth of DS when we were both sleep deprived and I suggested we split up. The reason being that I would get a couple of hours kip (I was desperately tired and we both behaved out of character). But mostly we work through everything, and are always kind to each other: no name calling, no being nasty

Honestly, how? I find one person always has to compromise. It's not always me, mind you, but it's one of us.